Unforgivable

Rhea waits for me in the car. She tells me to take my time. And hugs me before she walks off.

I notice Ross has followed too. I wonder how far I have walked. I've no idea.

Matty approaches me alone. It's the strangest feeling. I both want to hit him, so fucking hard because I hurt so much. But also to hug him to feel reassured by my him, the only person that can make me feel better.

"Im so sorry, Tay" he starts.

"You're fucking sorry? So it's all true? You just wanted to play me like some sort of game. I gave you so many opportunities to tell me this. But you had to make it so the person that told me was Jen your ex. In front of everybody. Do you know how humiliated I am, I won't even tell you how much this hurts, Matty. And your sorry? Fucking great thanks for that. I mean what do you actually want from me? To dig the knife in further?" I say.

Okay he deserved that, but now I need to listen I am literally shaking and crying.

"You're cold" he says and he offers me his jacket.

"I'm not cold, I'm... don't touch me" I say. He must not touch me.

"I'm devastated. Matty. I told you I loved you over and over again. We went so far together, we, I mean I could be fucking... What did I possibly do to you to make you hate me so much you wanted to destroy me so completely" I tell him and then I shut up.

He faces me and tries to place his hands on my arms, I flinch out of the way. If he touches me I will let him hug me. He starts again and all I can think is that I might actually be pregnant this time.

"I didn't want to play games with you. I didn't. I saw Ross liked you and I knew I wanted to be with you, granted not to the extent I want to be with you now. But I wanted you to myself. I saw everybody the day that I dropped you off back home. Everybody was drunk, I was drinking and that's not an excuse. Ryan was asking about you, I wanted to shut them up. I've never felt like this about anyone, and fuck I didn't know what to do. Ross started saying shit about you texting him and I thought fuck, why has she texted him. It's stupid and it doesn't excuse anything but I felt like I was falling for you and you were texting him. And not me. And that doesn't mean I'm saying I was right to do what I did but I'm just trying to explain" He eyes me warily.

I just wait, now more than ever I need to hear it all.

"Ryan was talking shit because he was drunk saying let's decide who gets to try it on with you. I didn't want any of that I just wanted to shut him up. Ross said he would not compete or act like you were a prize or some shit and honestly he was very honourable. I was angry, at the time I thought he just thought he had already won. He was texting you, he seemed to know so much about you and he was being gallant and acting so damn worthy. And it just really pissed me off. I kind of said I would get with you, over him I just wanted to push him out. I wanted to make him squirm." he explains.

"I honestly didn't mean it like that. I was just being hot headed and jealous. But the girls overheard and Jen got involved saying that she would put her money on me. And I should have objected to the whole thing and told them to fuck off. I went along with it because I thought it would make Ross and Ryan back off and then I was going to not see them again" he finishes.

"It's totally shit and I'm sorry" he adds.

"Thank you for being honest. But Matty I literally told you that day about Tom and the lies, and you held me and comforted me and then you decided to go and do worse? Why would you do that?" I ask him crying again, he's crying too. I will not comfort him.

"I showed you? Didn't I? I showed you my feelings for you. I invited you in. I did text Ross, yes because he's a friend. He messaged me an essay telling me he was sorry that he didn't see me back to my place and that he was sorry about that. He just wanted to check that I got back okay and I was not going to ignore him" I tell him.

"I know fuck, I just acted out and I'm sorry okay fuck I didn't mean to hurt you. It's unforgivable. I know that" he says.

"So you rung me that night just to start off your little game and get a head start. Just so you could push Ross out of the equation." I tell him, I feel sick.

"No not all, I wanted to talk to you. I just wanted to be close to you." He pleads with me.

"When were you going to tell me Matty?" I ask. His sad expression tells me that he wasn't, he had no intention of coming clean. And then it hits me that's why he wanted to cut everything off. He didn't just want to get away from this scene, he wanted to run away from his lies and betrayal. He never would have told me. He could never just be honest.

I decide that's enough crying for one night and that I'm going right now. I will not stand here just crying in front of him.

"I'm leaving right now is there anything else ?" I say through my tears.

"Where are you going? I can sleep on the sofa you can have the bed." He says softly.

"Not tonight" I tell him.

"Please don't, Taylor I love you" he's crying.

"Not enough to tell me though right?" I say before I can stop myself.

"I actually asked you directly just days ago and you refused to just tell me. Because Matty you don't love me. Because I'm just number 19 on your list of conquests and now you can just go and find number 20" I shout at him. My sadness has morphed into anger. I'm so angry with him, and with everything. I'm so hurt, why do I never learn? I just rush into things not taking a moment to question anything.

"I love you Taylor, I don't deserve you and I told you that. But please don't leave me" he says.

"Just give me a bit of time to prove it to you, I know you know I love you. I've never ever had anybody constant in my life like this and I can't lose you" he says.

"I don't want to lose us, please I'm begging you." He wipes his eyes and looks at me, completely defiant.

"I'm staying at Rhea's, tonight. It would hurt too much to see the house and realise it was all a lie to keep me from finding out the truth" I back away from him. And head for the car.

He looks stricken, but at the moment I need space. I need him away from me.

Ross intercepts me.

He doesn't say a thing. Not an I told you so, not an advance. He doesn't talk, he doesn't tell me he didn't do it. He knows I know, and he just hugs me. He just wants to show me that he's there like he always has been the whole time. He lets me go. His actions remind me of what he was saying to me earlier in the kitchen, about caring for me in any capacity that I need him. He doesn't ever demand from me. He doesn't make this about him and consequently what he can get from me.

I walk to the car and close the door. Matty is still there, where I left him. I watch as Ross goes over to him to mediate. He always does, no matter the problem he's there to help. I don't know where we all got so lucky to have such a mature, compassionate person as a friend. We don't talk in the car, Rhea has sat in the back with me and she just hugs me the whole way back.