4. Talk

Disclaimer: I am not Shonda Rhimes, nor do I own Grey's Anatomy. I'm just a girl who loves Meredith and Derek, and wants to fix things for the sake of her own sanity.

Meredith slowly opened her puffy, red eyes the next morning, awoken by the raindrops that were pounding against the windows. On a day like today, she was thankful to have off from work. Meredith felt an arm draped over her waist as she lay on her side. She was completely still for a few moments, trying to fathom all that had occurred last night. It still didn't feel real. She yelled, and cried, and got it all out. All of the anger, the pain, the frustration that had been pent up for so long.

And Derek apologized, and cried, and held her. Feeling the soft flannel covering her legs, she remembered that he had changed her clothes after carrying her up the stairs to her bedroom. Their talked had completely drained her, both emotionally and physically.

Finally, Meredith turned around to face him, his arm still protectively wrapped around her. Much to her surprise, he was still sleeping. She studied his face. The faint crow's feet on the corners of his eyes, the stubble on his cheeks, the dark curls hanging over his forehead. This face was the first thing she saw when she used to wake up in the morning. In the early days of their relationship when they were so blissed out and exhausted from all the sex. The face she longed to see when she woke up after her one night stands. Then when they got back together after his divorce, when they were too tired to have sex, so they just slept, it was the same face.

No matter what the circumstances were, it was always the face she wanted to see when she woke up. It was the face of the man she loved. The face that made her world stop and her life better.

"Mmm", he grumbled as his eyes fluttered open. When he saw her green eyes staring back at him, he couldn't help but smile at her. "Good morning", he said softly.

She smiled back as him. "Morning."

"Were you watching me sleep?", he asked, a slightly playful tone in his voice.

"Yeah. I guess I was", she confessed. "I was just thinking."

"About what?", he asked as he gently rubbed her back, causing her to relax completely into his arms.

"Life. Us…", she told him as she pressed her body closer to his and breathed in his scent. The smell that was uniquely his. She knew he didn't wear cologne, so she assumed it was his deodorant, or his soap, or perhaps his detergent. Maybe a mix of all three. Whatever it was, that scent always comforted her.

His face. His smell. Both were things she never wanted to live without. And until recently, Meredith had to consider the possibility that maybe she would have to. Several minutes of comfortable silence passed as they listened to the heavy rainfall coming from outside.

"Did you want to talk?", Derek asked her softly, a hopeful expression evident in his eyes.

In her ongoing effort to evolve, not only for the sake of their future, but for herself too, Meredith nodded slightly. "Yeah." The more she thought about it, the more she realized that talking was actually helpful. Sure, it was easier to avoid, but that didn't make the problem go away. It just delayed the inevitable. A lot was said last night, but there was so much more she wanted to say. She knew the conversation was far from over.

"Okay", he said, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead before breathing in the scent of her hair. The scent that identified her. It was a part of Meredith. "I missed this", he confessed, his voice somewhat muffled as he spoke into her soft hair.

"Hmm?", she asked, unsure of what he was referring to. There were so many possibilities.

"The smell. Your hair", he said as he studied her eyes. "When I went back to…I needed something to hold onto. So I took your pillow, and gave Addison mine. I just…I needed…that pillow helped me", he said in a whisper, tears welling in his eyes. "But eventually, the flowery smell faded."

Meredith took his hand and gently squeezed it. For all those months, she suffered. She knew he was in pain too. But she hadn't realized the intensity. Just because someone slept in your bed at night doesn't mean you don't feel lonely. "Lavender", she said softly.

Derek couldn't help but smile. "I know."

As they looked into each other's eyes, they both knew what the other was thinking about. For them, that conversation gave them renewed hope. Faint hope, but hope nonetheless.

It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. Was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed.

Lavender. My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner.

"I'm so sorry", Derek said as he started to cry, his voice barely audible.

"I know", she said as she wrapped her arm around him for once. "I know. I'm sorry too."

"For what?", he asked her. "You didn't hurt me like I hurt you."

"It takes two, Derek. Both of us are responsible for letting things get so bad. We…I just wish we would have done things differently. Like…talk. Like we are now. Maybe none of this would have happened if we would have just talked."

Derek pulled her closer, so they were both hugging each other under the covers. "We have to talk more."

"I know. I will", she promised him.

"Me too", he said with a nod.

"Do you think we'll be okay?", she asked him honestly. "Do you really think it'll all be okay?"

"I do", he said as he wiped the tears from under her eyes with his thumb. "Do you?"

"I want to. I'm starting to", she confessed.

"I'm sorry you ever stopping believing in the first place", he said softly.

"A lot happened, Derek. A lot happened in a short amount of time. My mom dying, and then Susan, and then all the crap with my dad… drowning…things just started spiraling out control and…I just…I know that when I drowned, it was scary…horrible for you", Meredith said as tears built up in her eyes again.

"I should have said something. I shouldn't have waited all that time…and I shouldn't have said what I said…about not wanting to breathe for you. I know that hurt you. I wanted to say something for so long, and it just came out", he said before pausing and shaking his head. "I feel like even more of an ass because I let us have sex first. I felt so guilty about that afterward. I know you were just trying to help me. And I hurt you…again", he said sadly.

Meredith just sighed as she rubbed his back. She couldn't tell him it didn't hurt her, because it did. "I shouldn't have left that night. Even yelling at each other would have been better than leaving", she said.

"I understand why you left. Hell, if I was you, I would have slapped me across the face", Derek said with a sigh.

"Derek", Meredith said softly as she placed her other hand on his face. His sudden vulnerability was so new to her. Derek was always the protector, the one who pulled her out of the bathtub, out of the water. Her knight in shining whatever. He never broke down in front of her. "It's okay…you never have to put on a façade in front of me. You always…just, it's okay to be vulnerable with me. I want us to be able to get angry, and yell, and cry, and stick around long enough to get past it…we have to do that, otherwise…"

He just nodded at her and pulled her closer to his body.

"And Derek…", she whispered.

"Yeah?", he said, peering into her eyes once again.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this, okay? I've been in this since day one, without even knowing it. The second you walked over to me at the bar, I was in it. And I know it's crazy and this sort of thing never happens. Maybe that's why I trust it. Because I know that if something like this happens, it was meant to be. So… even when I want to kill you, I'm not going anywhere", she said with a small smile, several tears escaping her eyes.

"Me either. I swear", he promised has he pressed his cheek against her forehead. After a few blissful moments of quiet, Derek spoke. "We met in a bar", he said, a hint of astonishment is his own voice, as if he just discovered something.

"Yeah…?", Meredith said, wondering where exactly he was going with this.

"I just…we met in a bar, you threw me out after a one night stand, and an hour later we find each other again. That's got to mean something, right?", he said with a slight laugh.

"Yeah. I think so", she said with a nod. "I think it means we have to stop fighting fate…if it's supposed to happen, it will."

"Meredith", he said softly, causing goose bumps to erupt all over her body. Nobody else in the world could say her name like Derek could. Every time he said it, she got butterflies in her stomach. And she never wanted that feeling to go away.

"Hmm?", she asked, tilting her chin up to look at him.

"It's supposed to happen", he said in a whisper, as if revealing a secret to her.

Her eyes blurred with tears, turning them a brighter shade of green. "I know", she said with a small nod.

Derek just smiled before capturing her lips with his own, pulling her on top of him. She moaned in pleasure as he brushed his tongue across her lips. She opened her mouth to him and their tongues clashed. They kissed passionately for what seemed like an eternity before Meredith finally pulled back for air.

"We're not done talking, but thank you. I needed that", she said breathily.

"Me too", he said with a smile.

Meredith rolled off of him and they propped themselves against the headboard.

"So…I think we should make some rules", Meredith told him with a nod.

"Okay", Derek agreed. "Like what?"

"I don't know. I just think there should be rules", she admitted with a small smile.

"I have one", he said. "Sleepovers are a requirement."

"That was a rule before" she reminded him. "You said you'd always show up and you didn't", she said sadly. She wasn't using it against him or trying to make him feel bad, she was just stating the fact.

"I know", he nodded understandingly. "I need you to trust me on this one. And I know that I've told you that before, and I let you down. But…you just…please trust me on this."

"Okay", she said with a small nod. "I will. And I have another rule. About sex."

"What's that?", he asked in a cautious tone.

"We won't be having any", she stated.

"You mean with other people?", he asked curiously.

"Obviously not with other people, Derek. But I mean with each other. You and I will not be having sex. Well, not for a while anyway. Clearly I can't hold out forever. And neither can you. But…I just…I think if we can go a while without it, it'll help…prove that we can have an actual relationship. A healthy relationship", she said with a shrug.

"In other words, when we sleep together, we'll actually be sleeping. Together", he said, trying to clarify what she meant.

"Exactly", she told him with a nod.

"Okay", he said with a smile. "I can do that."

Meredith looked at him incredulously. "Seriously?", she asked in disbelief, thinking for sure he'd some sort of rebuttal.

"Yeah. As long as you're with me in the bed, I don't care what we're doing in it", he said honestly.

She just looked at him, a little surprised by his statement. "Thank you", she said with a warm smile, resting her face on his shoulder.

He answered by kissing her forehead. "You're welcome….I'm willing to do whatever it takes, Meredith. And I know I have a lot of ground to make up for…but I promise to do everything to make this right again", he said softly. Meredith could tell by his tone of voice that he was being sincere.

"I know. Me too", she said as she took his hand and laced their fingers together.

"Thank you. Thank you for letting me in…for loving me enough not give up on us", he said, peering into her eyes, noticing that even without makeup on, her long eyelashes were always curled.

"If I would have given up on you, I would have been giving up on me too. I wasn't going to let that happen", she said with a small smile.

"I love you, Meredith", he said as he wrapped his arm her tiny frame and pulled her up against his body.

There they were again. The goose bumps. The butterflies. All because of his voice. And his arm that captured her into his tight embrace. The arms of the man who loved her more than she would ever know. "I love you too", she said softly.

"How about we make that rule number three", he said, gently squeezing her hand.

"What?", she asked,

"Saying "I love you"". Every morning, every night. Whenever. Just saying it. I think that might help too", he said kindly.

Meredith nodded. "Okay", she said before kissing him softly.

As they sat in silence, Meredith stared at their hands, their intertwined fingers. The only two pieces of the puzzle in the world that fit together perfectly. The hand of her soul mate. The hand of the man who had changed her life without ever trying to. He just did. Meredith couldn't explain it.

And that's why she trusted it.

I hope you liked this chapter and you don't think it's too fluffy. I tried to make it true to character. Reviews make me happy. Comments, suggestions, anything. Thanks. :)

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