85. Chapter 85

After Anatomy of a Murder

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: How do I not own Castle? Let me count the ways. Rating: K+ Time: See above

I love you. I read those words to Beckett from Greg's letters to Amy. I didn't mean it to apply to her. At least not until I'd said them. Once they were out of my mouth, I recognized that I meant it. She knew I meant something, too. She was surprised. No, more than surprised. There was something else there. Anger? No, she wasn't mad at me for saying that. Shock! Sure, she'd be shocked to know that I do love Beckett. If she had called me on it…? She wouldn't have called me on it. She doesn't want to know how I feel about her. She has Doctor Motorcycle Boy now. And I have Gina. Mostly it was surprise, I guess. Whatever else there was, Beckett isn't worried about it.

Am I worried about it? I've never been in this position before. Oh, I've been dating two women at the same time. Hold that thought. I'm not dating Beckett. I've never dated Beckett. And, if I use my brain instead of my world famous imagination, I know I never will date her. No sooner did she dump Demming than she grabbed onto DMB. She is not interested in Richard Castle. Well, not in the way I'd like her to be interested in me. I'm her partner on cases. That's all I'll ever be to her. I should face that. I really should. Yeah, that's the rational, grown-up, adult thing to do. And I am nothing if not the rational, grown-up, adult. I am really screwed here.

Do I really love Gina? No, of course not. I like her, sort of. She tries, I'll give her that. But would I want to spend the rest of my life with Gina? I've already been married to her once. Am I kidding myself? Hell, yes, I'm kidding myself. I think. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! People do get married for companionship in their old age. Old Age! Richard Castle, what are you thinking of? Okay, there's no reason to stay with Gina, but there's no reason to break up with her. So, for the time being I stay with Gina. Maybe I'll find someone else. No, I've already found someone else. What're the chances that there are two Becketts out there? What did you just say about kidding yourself?

Okay, I do have a world class imagination. Maybe I will fall in love with Gina. I can see it now. I'll be sitting in my office here in the loft, and there'll be a knock at the door. I'll open the door and be blinded by all the colors of the rainbow, because I'll be at the end of the rainbow. While Judy Garland sings "Over the Rainbow", a unicorn will walk out of the rainbow and a leprechaun will hop off and say to me, "Boyo, ye're in luv wi' the bonnie lass, Gina." I really should have a lot more Scotch in me if I'm going to do this shit.

All I did was read a damned letter from Greg to Amy. It doesn't mean a thing. Or does it? Amy got sent to prison for thirty years. What did Greg do? Did he sit on his ass and say, "I can't do anything about it, I'll just find some chick who'll be second best?" No, he didn't! He said, "I'm going to get my girl out of prison no matter what!" And he did. Not in the way that he originally thought, but with the help of Castle and Beckett, purveyors of justice to the masses, Amy will get a new trial and Greg will get probation. All's well that ends well.

Can I do any less with Beckett than Greg did for Amy? Well, yes I can do less. I doubt if Amy made an issue of how much she hated Greg, so I'm starting out in a worse position with Beckett. Shit! What do I do?

I keep my options open.

And Beckett said she'd get me out of prison. That must mean something. Hell! She was just teasing me. Maybe.

I love you. What in the hell am I so worked up about? Castle does not love me! I thought for a brief period after I broke up with Demming that there might be something there, but there isn't. He's a writer after all. He knows how to put emotion into a sentence. He knows how to get under my skin, that's for sure. He probably just did that to get to me. Probably wanted to get back at me for that crack I made in the hospital. Okay, so Josh saved a life that day and Castle didn't. I didn't have to be that nasty. Castle has saved lives, mine in fact.

It's just that Castle is so…so…What is he? He's so…jealous? No, he's not jealous. He might have been jealous of Demming because he thought I was replacing him with Demming on my team, but how could he be jealous of Josh? He has a girlfriend! Could Castle be so egotistical that he wants both of us? Sure, a blonde, a brunette and if he can get redheaded Meredith back, he'd have a full set. No, Castle may not be perfect, but I've seen enough of him to know he wants more than just sex. And that would be? Hell, I have no idea. Why am I laying here in bed wondering about Castle and his bizarre behaviors?

And why did I say I'd break get him out of jail? I'd never orchestrate a jailbreak for Castle, even if I loved him madly and I was convinced he was innocent. Which is more unlikely? That I'd love Castle, or that he'd be innocent, in any sense of the word? No, if I thought Castle had been wrongly convicted of something, of course I'd try to get him out legally. Just like I offered to help Greg and Amy. Except I didn't offer to help Greg and Amy. Castle insisted we look at the case. He hated the story we had of Amy and Greg both going to prison. He wanted a happy ending. And would the egotistical, skirt chasing, playboy I'm so afraid of having feelings for have wanted them to have happy ending? Would he have cared about them?

This is absurd! I do not have feelings for Castle. It's Josh I want now, not Castle. He was just teasing me. I think.

Author's note: Yes, I did another After an Anatomy of a Murder. It's Chapter 21.