PRECURSOR: I am not trying to be insulting with this review; this is just me being honest in an attempt to push you in the right direction.
Starting off, the grammar makes this close to unreadable; it's not the worst I've seen on here, but far below par. I'd suggest using Grammarly until you can improve on your own.
Secondly, there is far, far too much exposition -- that's a quick way to lose any interested readers right off the bat. Make things interesting; make it spark but also, don't force it.
You're also not doing yourself any favors with a synopsis like that; it's barebones and barely a sentence -- it tells potential readers nothing and will not grip their interest.
PRECURSOR: I am not trying to be insulting with this review; this is just me being honest in an attempt to push you in the right direction. Starting off, the grammar makes this close to unreadable; it's not the worst I've seen on here, but far below par. I'd suggest using Grammarly until you can improve on your own. Secondly, there is far, far too much exposition -- that's a quick way to lose any interested readers right off the bat. Make things interesting; make it spark but also, don't force it. You're also not doing yourself any favors with a synopsis like that; it's barebones and barely a sentence -- it tells potential readers nothing and will not grip their interest.