After Party

Siguro nga mali na pumunta pa siya sa party na iyon. Siguro nga mali na nakita pa niya ito. Sana hindi na lang siya naengganyong malaman ang totoo mula sa kanya. Eh di sana hindi na niya kailangang tumakas pa palayo sa kanya.

Jenneth regrets everything she has done tonight. All the fuss of dressing up and going to that party. What was she thinking nung naisipan niyang pumunta sa party na iyon? Siguro nga... siguro nga tanga lang talaga siya.

She wanted to know the truth. Well, she already knows the truth. Maybe, she wants to confirm it? Or maybe, she wants to hear his side of the truth. She wants to hear his reasons of doing that. She wants to hear the reason why he did such a stupid thing.

Tumigil ang kotse niya sa harapan ng bahay nila. Alam niyang nagpapahinga na noon si Janet kaya siya na lang ang magbubukas ng gate para makapasok ang kotse niya. Tahimik din sa daan pagbaba niya. Ganoon naman sa subdivision na iyon. Tahimik at hindi masyadong lumalabas ang mga tao. Kaya nga dito sila lumipat noon.

Papasok na sana siya sa loob ng kotse upang i-drive ito papasok ng gate nila nang dumating ang isang sasakyan. Bigla siyang kinabahan. It seems she already knows that silver Audi Q5 all too well. Maybe not the car, but the person who's driving it who happens to be its owner as well.

Bumaba mula sa sasakyan si Ryan. He looks at her, obviously worried and anxious. Jenneth gave him a stern look.

"Jhing... let's... let's talk..."

Dahan-dahan itong lumapit sa kanya, halatang tinatantiya kung ano ang magiging reaksiyon niya.

"Do we still have something to talk about?"

Pakiramdam ni Jenneth ay maiiyak na siya. Hindi lang dahil sa galit kundi dahil na rin sa kamiserablehan ng kinahantungan ng istorya nilang dalawa.

Hindi nakasagot si Ryan. Oh well, maybe she should do the talking all the way.

"Do you know how stupid I feel right now? Na all this time, akala ko, ako ang biktima. Ako ang ginawan ng mali. Ako yung nasaktan. Tapos malalaman ko, dahil pala sa akin kaya nangyari ang lahat? Dahil sa akin, dahil sobrang minahal kita, Ryan, kaya mo ako niloko ng ganoon!"

"I'm sorry..." Ryan also looks like he's about to cry.

Jenneth laughed miserably. "Ryan... Ikaw ba yung dapat na mag-sorry o ako?"

Ryan walks to her, trying to hold her. She moved backwards to avoid him, her tears falling down on her face.

"Is it true? Ryan... did you really do that because you want me to get rid of you in my life?"

Ryan guiltily looked at her. Hindi na niya kailangan pang sagutin ang tanong na iyon. Alam na ni Jenneth kung ano ang sagot. At lalo siyang nasaktan dahil doon.

"Ang sama-sama ng pakiramdam ko kasi... kasi ngayon ko lang na-realize na ang tanga ko."

"Jhing, you're not–"

"Hindi, Ryan. I was a fool. Tama ka. Tama si Mama. I lost myself when I loved you. And I tried to justify that making myself believe that it's not wrong. It's not wrong to love someone too much to the point you'll lose yourself in the process. And I feel so bad kasi ngayon ko lang na-realize na... na naging tanga pala ako noon."

Ryan went closer to her and this time, hinayaan na siya ni Jenneth. He held her, trying to console her.

"To think na sobrang nagalit ako sa'yo noon. Dapat pala sa sarili ko ako nagalit."

"It's all my fault," ang sabi naman ni Ryan. "I should have thought of a better solution. O kaya naman, siguro dapat mas minahal kita noon para at least, kahit ibigay mo ang buong sarili mo sa akin, may kapalit naman – iyong pagmamahal na binigay ko."

Umiling si Jenneth. "No... There was no other way... Hindi ako makikipaghiwalay sa iyo kung hindi kita kinamuhian noon."

Still, Ryan doesn't feel absolved. Nagi-guilty pa rin siya sa ginawa niya noon kay Jenneth, kahit pa nga ito na mismo ang nag-acknowledge na tama lang ang ginawa nito.

Doing something wrong still does not make you right.

"Maybe... maybe we shouldn't have happened."

Natitigilang napatingin si Ryan kay Jenneth.

"Maybe I shouldn't have loved you in the first place."

At doon sobrang nasaktan si Ryan.

"Bakit naman, Jhing? Ganoon ba talaga kasama ang naging relasyon nating dalawa noon? Hindi ka man lang ba nakadama kahit na konting ligaya noong tayo pang dalawa?"

Tinignan lamang siya ng umiiyak na si Jenneth, pero hindi ito sumagot.

"I knew you were happy," ani Ryan. "I felt that you were happy. I know, because that's what made me happy back then. You're the happiest thing that ever happened to my life, Jhing. You made me feel whole again, like I belong to someone. Na hindi ako extra lang sa kwento ng may kwento. Na ako ang main character. Ako ang bida. You made me feel I could be vulnerable, weak, but at the same time, strong and needed. You completed me, and until now I can say that you are the best I ever had and will ever have in my life."

Ryan was crying while saying those things. He was not only telling her how he felt back then. He was actually confessing how he feels right now.

"I messed up... Maybe we both messed up. But Jhing, don't ignore the fact that we were happy back then. Alam mo iyon, Jhing. It doesn't mean that it turned out wrong because it was all wrong, because when I fell in love with you, I felt like everything was right."

Jenneth knows that all too well. Ryan is the most right thing that had happened in her messed up life. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi naman siya magpupursige na mag-aral ng mabuti. That's where it all started, kung ano man siya ngayon at kung ano ang narating niya sa buhay.

Pero dahil din kay Ryan, umalis siya ng Tarlac at nagtrabaho siya sa Manila. Dahil doon, nakilala niya si Henry.

"Siguro nga, pero kung hindi ganoon ang nangyari sa atin, hindi sana ako aalis ng Tarlac. Hindi ko sana makikilala si Henry."

Ryan gazed at her with that pained look in his eyes.

"Kasalanan ko ba talaga, Jhing?"

Natigilan si Jenneth.

"Siguro nga kasalanan ko. Kasalan ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa buhay mo."

Napaurong siya bigla. Si Jenneth naman ang parang gustong lumapit sa kanya.

"Maybe I was born to be wrong... Iyong pagkasilang pa nga lang sa akin ng nanay ko, mali na. Siguro ito na talaga ang kapalaran ko. Sorry kung dahil sa akin, nagkaroon ng mali sa buhay mo."

He went back to his car and drove away. He didn't even look back at her. He didn't even look at her through the windshield. He just drove away.

Para namang itinulos sa kinatatayuan niya si Jenneth. Nanatili lang itong nakatayo doon at ni hindi man lang niya sinundan ng tingin ang kotse ni Ryan. For a moment ay parang nablangko ang utak niya. Sa ilang saglit ay parang tumigil ang mundo niya.