chapter eleven

I don't know how to undo things with River!

He helped me when I was sick two days ago and now I can't stand being near him.

Why did I have to go and let him help me when I know he shouldn't?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I stare at the spot where Helen injects another needle into my arm and wait for the liquid to flow into my veins before looking away.

I'm so afraid about where we stand right now that I feel like puking. I don't want him thinking that that was an open invitation to be close to me again.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate how he stayed and helped me until my mom dropped by to check up on me.

What I don't appreciate is how conflicted and scared I am about letting myself hope too much.

River wants a friend and I'm not too sure I'm able to give him that.

Besides, this time it doesn't seem like a me problem alone.

He has been avoiding me as well. Not in the elaborate 'I don't want to see you near me' kind of thing but the subtle 'please leave it at that' pleading of the eyes kind of thing.

I've learned my lesson when it comes to those type of looks from him. I'm too afraid to admit that that's part of the reason for the sinking feeling in my chest.

It feels all too familiar.

Helen takes away the small piece of cotton she had me press against my arm after taking the syringe out. She examines if the spot is still bleeding before giving it a small swipe with the same cotton and throwing it away.

"All good." she beams up at me and I give her a small smile.

It's only eight in the morning and between my worry over things with River and the fact that the medicine seems to have started its work already, I feel a little light headed.

"Do you perhaps want to lay down for a while?" she offers after a moment.

"No, I'm going back to my room anyway," I decide out loud and stand on my feet. "Thank you."

I was planning to go to the office today for half a day but with how I feel, I'd rather ask Clara to bring any work I have from my office to me.

"Okay," the middle aged woman says after a moment, her eyes scanning me as if to reassure herself the decision is good for everyone. "Call me if you need anything." Her soft voice gives a little comfort and I nod before walking out.

****

"Thank you, C," I voice out as she places my laptop and a few files on my coffee table. "Are you holding up well?"

I am well aware of the fact that I've ditched work for almost two days in a row now. The realization does not help with how crappy I'm feeling today.

What does help however is the small smile that graces the lips of the slightly younger than me secretary that my office and position called for.

"I understand how you're feeling," she says in a smooth voice. I've always loved how warm and engulfing her voice is, "Get well soon."

I stop myself from thanking her again and instead give her the best dazzling smile I can muster at the moment.

"Please feel free to let me know if anything needs my attention right away." I try to soften the clipped tone of my professional voice and she nods before walking to the door.

I watch as it closes with a silent click and sink down into the couch with a small sigh, closing my eyes and resting my head against the back of the couch to try and will my head from spinning.

I'm only now getting myself oriented with being snapped awake by the click of my door everytime I visit Helen for a shot.

I somehow fell asleep with my neck angled awkwardly on the back of the couch.

My eyes, which are no doubt blazing red at the moment, snap to the door and I physically will myself to push down the shocked gasp that wants to escape.

"Hey?" Just like last time, my voice comes out like a little croak that's barely audible.

River walks further into the room and I finally take in his disheveled appearance which makes my brows furrow involuntarily.

"How are you feeling today?" he asks distantly and immediately sets out to look for something in the kitchen.

Pushing myself off the back of the couch, I slowly lift the throw blanket off me and lean over to see what he's doing in the kitchen while I'm still sat on the couch.

"What are you looking for?" I call out in a groggy voice and sit back upright when I hear his footsteps passing back to the living room.

"I brought you some yoghurt," River says without looking at me and I narrow my eyes at his behavior.

When he places the yoghurt container in front of me on the coffee table, he takes a seat next to me on the couch and hands me a clean spoon.

This must have been what he was looking for in the kitchen.

Without touching the yoghurt, I turn to him and wait patiently for him to spill.

"What?" he asks once he becomes aware of my blatant staring.

"Don't get me wrong, I like it when you completely ignore me and act all weird but I just have to ask, what's up with you?"

"Nothing! Just take your yoghurt and go back to sleep." His voice is clipped and harsh and I feel a hurtful sting zap through me at how weird he's acting.

If he doesn't want to talk or see me, he doesn't have to be here. Nobody is forcing or begging him to stay.

I try to fight the anger that bubbles within me and instead settle for ignoring him.

In a petty move, one that is intended to show him that I'm not taking his crap, I push away the yoghurt container to the other side of the table and then reach for my laptop in order to start working on the files that Clara dropped by.

River shifts from beside me and clears his throat as if he wants to say something but thinks better of it when I shift and lean back to get comfortable on the couch with the laptop on my lap.

I feel really awful that I have to resort to being petty just to show him how hurtful his behavior towards me is but at the same time my pride is too high for me to just talk it out.

So, even when I am acutely aware of the intense gaze River directs my way from beside me, I begin to click on my laptop and open my last research, readying myself to get back into the document I was editing.

"I'm sorry, just take the yoghurt," he says a moment later.

Shaking my head, I continue to tap away on my laptop. I'm not even being petty anymore, I'm just glad to be working again.

"Lily," he calls on a sigh and my body freezes involuntarily.

I let out a huff of my own before reaching for the yoghurt.

"What's up with you?" I ask again as I work the lid off the container, "It's almost like you are mad at me or something."

I scoop a spoonful into my mouth and the vanilla flavor hits me in a delicious wave.

River clears his throat viciously and I immediately turn to him while willing my heart to slow down from the scare he gave me.

I narrow my eyes at him but immediately feel faint when his stare flickers from my eyes to my lips for a second too long before he looks back up at me.

"Sorry," he says quietly and shifts uncomfortably on the couch. "I wanted to discuss something with you," he emotionally pulls himself away from the conversation and goes back to his gruff moody self again.

My heart is still beating wild in my chest for me to be able to say or react in any rational way so I just shift away from him.

"What?" My tone comes out clipped.

If he notices the change in my posture or the cold tone of my voice, he says nothing.

"It can wait till you feel better," he mutters and I force myself not to say something provocative, "Are you going to attend the meeting on Saturday?"

What River terms as 'meeting' is actually a party for investors who want to be a part of the royal corporations.

In his right, I understand why he would term it as a meeting since everyone would want to pitch in an idea or two to him at the said party.

"Probably," I lick the yoghurt from my spoon and notice how he discreetly tries to shift away from me. My brows furrow at his behavior and I'm about to say something about it when he coughs and stands from the couch.

"You're acting weird, you know that?" I can't help but let out when he starts pacing around the space behind the couch.

"I'm a little wound up," he replies quietly, his voice so tight that I crane my neck backwards to see what has got him in a twist. I guess he sees the question in my eyes because he shakes his head and gives me a very faint smile that comes out a little guilty, "It's not your fault." He assures softly.

At the heartwarming reassurance, I go back to my yoghurt without saying anything. I'm almost halfway through when he decides to speak up again.

"Listen, I have to go but I'll drop by later."

With a nod, I murmur a belated goodbye around a mouthful of yoghurt before I hear the door slam rather loudly before a curse and a rushed apology come from the other side.

I'm just about to finish my last spoonful of yoghurt when I catch a reflection of myself licking the spoon on the glossy glare of the TV mounted on the wall in front of me.

With flushed and hot cheeks, I immediately drop the spoon on the table and place the yoghurt down, my appetite following right after the dismissal.

Please tell me River's reaction didn't have anything to do with how I was licking my spoon.

Because from the image that is still painted in my mind, I looked like I was giving that spoon a blowjob.

What the actual hell? How did I forget myself that easily in front of him.

With an embarrassed groan, I sink my head in my hands and roughly scrub through my face as if to wash away the embarrassment.

This is so awfully bad.

And then as if to make matters worse, a taunting memory of River promising to lick yoghurt off me comes back to mind and I seriously feel like I could die from how faint I feel.

What did I just do?

Also, did he really say he was gonna be back later?

How was I supposed to face him now after all this?