chapter fourteen

River: Hi? Can we please talk? I feel really awful about last night.

I have been staring at the text since the moment my phone pinged at it's arrival almost three hours ago.

It is now eleven in the morning and I have not gathered enough strength to text back.

Thinking about last night has me torn. On one side I feel very pathetic for letting River convince me to let it go and give him a chance to fix things. I feel like by giving him this chance it makes him think that he can test any of my limits and expect me to give him a chance to fix it later on.

On the other side I feel very guilty for getting mad at him because some evil part of me liked it when he acknowledged that something had happened between us before I left. It is more than he ever did when we slept together and the bubble of joy and hope that grows inside me worries me a little.

But then again, don't these two just make me pathetic?

This is why I'm afraid of letting River back into my life.

My eyes roam around my mom's living room and take in the blunt decorations that are meant to make it homey.

When I lived with her, the place had a lot of color. The cushions on the couches were a mixture of grey and blue, the rug was black and the curtains were blue.

Now, the couches all have the same white cushions, only one blue cushion survived and now resides by the lone seater at the far end of the room, the walls lack pictures and there are only two paintings that I can't bare to look at more than two seconds at a time.

The reason for my being here comes crashing back when I hear the door open with little resistance.

My mom had gone to pick Max from the gate and had asked me to stay at hers while she brought him over.

Like the obedient child I am, I decide to go with that other than the fact that I was afraid River would come looking for me in my office or my apartment, I got here at seven in the morning and joined my very surprised mom for breakfast.

"-very nice around." I hear my mom say and immediately straighten up at the anticipation of who I'm about to meet.

"Lily?" my mom calls and I slowly emerge from the kitchen where I've been since she left. "Hey?" she beams when I finally get to the living room.

"Hey," I greet softly and turn from her nervous form to a shy looking Max who roams his eyes away from me when I catch his gaze. "Hello?" I turn the greeting to him.

I am painfully aware of the tension around the room but I decide to pretend everything's fine.

"Hi!" he greets with a small warm but shy smile and reaches to adjust his perfectly fine glasses. A nervous fit, I decide mentally.

"Well, are you all going to talk over coffee?" my mom suggests but I know it's more of a command than anything.

"I can't stay for long mom. I have to be at the office in a while." I tell her softly. I know I promised to try and I am but my throat is threatening to close up on me and deny me any chance of conversation.

"It's just a cup of coffee, darling," my mom leads the way and a nervous looking Max follows her leaving me with no choice but to follow as well. "Well, you two catch up as I make a few runs for tonight's dinner."

When my mom leaves the kitchen without even pouring the coffee I know what she's trying to do immediately and I let her leave without saying anything.

"Sugar?" I ask, gesturing to the mug I'm about to pour his coffee into.

Max tries his best not to let his gaze on me linger but it seems he forgets himself because everytime I look back I catch him staring with a look of puzzlement in his eyes.

"Yes please," he replies softly and reaches for his small travel bag by his side. "I brought you this," he says, a very nervous undertone coating his voice. "I-I, didn't know what you liked so I brought this." I look over my shoulder and immediately freeze at the sight of his gift.

The small sketching book looks picturesque on top of the flawless marble countertop and I find myself giving him an appreciative smile as I place both the coffee jug and mug down on the tiled platform beside the kitchen sink.

"Thank you," I say reaching for it. This has to be the most thoughtful someone has ever been while getting me a present.

"Your mom mentioned in passing that you were interested in art so when I came across this I thought it would be nice." Max continues to explain and from how nervous he sounds I might as well hug him and assure him this is very thoughtful and nice of him.

Why did I dislike the guy in the first place?

"It's very thoughtful and I like it. Thank you."

"You're welcome." he smiles and averts his eyes.

Now that I pay close attention to him, I see just how much age has done him well. Being only a year younger than me seems to be doing his skin and looks a very huge favor.

It's very clear that being the son of a model and a very attractive douchebag of a dad does him wonders.

He must be a chick magnet with all his charm and looks.

"How was college?" he tries to lift the silence once I place his cup of coffee in front of him.

"How is it for you?" I ask with a knowing smile. Anyone who doesn't find college life difficult has some major issues.

"Horrible," he whines and I laugh, finally feeling myself begin to relax. "I know I signed up for it but they could cut me some slack."

"It only gets worse but you're about to graduate so, no pressure." I laugh out loud when I see how pale he turns at the mention of graduation. I should know how finals hit you in the face.

"What am I even going to do with a degree in ICT? Everyone's into coding and whatnot nowadays. I'll just be joining the club."

"Well are you any good at it?" I ask, mixing some creamer into my coffee. I feel relaxed enough to be a little indulgent today.

"I have a couple of certificates and I've been a top student for a while so I think, yes. " he mumbles around a sip of his coffee. "But there're far better people than I am and I feel like I've wasted years doing nothing but chasing the crowd." I can tell from how fidgety he is that it's not easy for him to talk about stuff like this and that too, with someone like me.

We've never really been close even when our mothers found out about each other and tried to be friends.

The only time I was ever close to him was when I was sixteen and him fifteen. His mother had died in a fire and we found out about it while I was at his baseball game with my mom.

I had never seen a guy cry so much. That was also my first time trying to comfort someone who looked so vulnerable and on the verge of despair.

"You'll be fine," I try to reassure while actively trying to push away the memory of his mother's death from my mind. "My mom can find you a job once you're done."

"Yeah, she offered and I might take it if I run out of options after graduation." Max smiles a little and I can't help but appreciate how small and warm and exceptionally friendly he is.

Something in me nudges me to acknowledge the fact that he is my little brother. If my mom got over the fact that my dad cheated with his mom the least I can do is untangle him from all of this mess. It wasn't his choice be illegitimate.

Plus, he is like the only humble good looking boy I know in my life.

We could get along.

My phone rings before we can continue our conversation and I reach for it.

When I see River's name flash across the screen I take a tiny step from the counter and excuse myself silently.

"Yes?" I call quietly into the phone since I'm not really sure what to expect.

I haven't even answered his text yet.

"Hey?" his voice sounds like a slur and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. He doesn't drink much to get extremely drunk. "What are you doing?"

"Hanging up this phone," I huff angrily, suddenly irritated that he'd think to call me while he's drank. "Are you drank?" I ask to confirm, just incase my assumptions are wrong.

"Could you come to your office?" he asks and I hear how his tone shifts, like he is trying to do everything but beg. "Please." he adds softly and any thought of saying no to him flies right out the window.

I mean who could say no if a guy asks this nicely?

"Sure." I grumble, feeling mad that I can't just say no and continue talking to Max instead.

"Hey, I need to go back to the office," I tell Max once I get back to the kitchen. "Will you be alright? My mom's almost coming back."

"I'll be fine." he assures me with a very warm smile and I find myself smiling back.

Definitely should have stayed with him.