Gut vs Brain

After what they did to my Mom when she was just getting close to finding the truth.

"You broke free from Mechanon. You won, they lost. End of story!"

I made sure they knew I found out the truth before I left.

Broke free? From the whole planet?

"So we have not yet planned a test ride, but I can assure you that will most likely not be happening anytime soon."

"......Uh yeah! Yeah of course."

I suddenly realize Supreme Argon is still talking to me.

I might as well be in a blastback.

Ever since Cindy let me know about what's going on with me I just can't shake this feeling.

I mean there's obviously something from that time that I'm supposed to know. I mean Cindy did say this stuff happens when our processor's are fighting to bring something to back to memory.

The thing that I can't stop wondering, though is why did I suppress it in the first place?

The whole day has been a blur, but hell, that's my life.

My shift is over but I stay back in my ship and open the messages on my cellular device.

Cindy had sent me the links to some of these blastback testimonies after I left her office the other day. I've been watching a few on my breaks, but nothing answers my question. I thought people only suppress bad memories. My life with Aroha seemed pretty good.

I clink on another link. The thumbnail shows a pale man. His veil looks rough and his lenses seem a little unfocused.

I skim through the time stamps to see if this video talks about anything the other videos didn't.

6:09 How can it be controlled?

Controlled? I never controlled any of mine.

I skip to 6:09.

"It was always after a high. It never happened when I felt normal. There always had to be spike in my system then BOOM!

New place, new time..." the man's voice trails off into silence. His face drops and he stares off into space. He slowly opens his mouth again, ".....and a new me".

A spike in his system?

That must be why it happened to me after the injections and working out! All I have to do is mess around with my chemicals a little bit.

Say no more.

I rush to my car to get syringe happy.

I'm so excited I wouldn't be surprised if this anticipation alone caused a blastback.

I need to see her again. I mean, who else is gonna know what all that stuff meant...or means.

I jump into my car and pop open the drawers. I grab the serotonin syringe and inject slowly, but then the thought of what I would experience makes me go faster.

Hmm that's about the amount I used last time.

Which only means that I need a bit more. You know, for quicker results.

I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

I proceed with my additional dosage.

I follow up with the dopamine dosage, again, using more than I did last time.

I exhale sharply and push my seat back.

I take a few deep breaths and try to relax myself before my little trip.

I put some binaural music on just like what I had playing in my ship the last time I faded out.

It just feels significant. Anything that has to do with Mama, or really, the whole world- and another world- sounds pretty damn important to me.

Life changing even.

Even if Cindy was right and the blastback didn't happen on planet Earth, I just have to be sure. The very idea of it is ridiculous and straight up crazy, but it doesn't feel like it. I can't help but feel like I'm on to something. Whether it's big or small, it's something.

My sustainer begins to race and I feel an instant surge of heat running through me.

I pull over.

I try to take slow deep breaths.

Okay, okay I'm alright. I'm just fading into the blastback. It's just more intense 'cause I increased the dosage. Yeah, that's it I think. It's all good. Just relax.

*Vision Fades to Grey*

*****

I'm gonna tell her. Tonight. Okay, I'll surprise her, she'll think it's sweet and thoughtful, then she won't bother me about being "distant." All she needs is a little attention, that's all. Ugh, I can't wait to leave. I mean, its kinda hard figuring out your place on Earth when your girl seems to be upset about how you do it. Yeah, I get it, as her partner I should be present and I am when I can be. Besides that, there are things that only I can do for me. Things that have nothing to do with her or our relationship. Things I need to figure out about myself. Things I want to experience. I mean she says she understands that but there's always this weird tension when something like this comes up. I mean at the end of the day-or at least most days-I go to bed next to her. So she knows my heart....right? She has to. It's weird, I left Mechanon to be free but sometimes I feel like being in this relationship kind of takes away from that.

Fire alarm goes off.

"AH SHIT!"

"Uhh babe, what's going on down there?" Aroha shouts from her workspace upstairs. I hear her footsteps as she makes her way downstairs.

"No! Don't come down! Just ignore the alarm and the smoke and the burning sme-" I yell before realizing she's right behind me, smirking as I try to fan away the smoke with a cloth.

"Hehe.... surprise?" I smile awkwardly while gesturing to the oven.

Aroha gasps, "A smoke show in our very own kitchen?! Awe babe, what's the occasion?" She starts laughing.

"Haha you're fucking hilarious", I say sarcastically as I shove some oven mitts on and take the muffins out of the oven.

"I wanted to surprise you with the muffins we had the other night at Mav's place. I got the recipe after I noticed you went back for seconds....then thirds...then fourths...."

"Alright I get it, stop judging!" she protests, still laughing.

"Anyways, they're made from vegan ingredients and you know how we been trying to clean up our lifestyle and stuff,"

I glance at the blueberry muffins and realize they look more like big lumps of coal instead fluffy treats.

"They're not looking like something we should eat though. We probably can't even bite through them".

"Aww baby, its ok," she pulls me in for a kiss and rests her reach rods on my shoulders.

"Its really sweet of you to surprise me out of nowhere. To be honest I don't even mind that the muffins are burnt. Its kinda cute when you make little mistakes like that"

I grin as she pulls me closer to her.

"We can whip up something else later. You know, its been a while since we've done anything together."

"You sure? I mean its getting dark already and there's still stuff I want to do before bed."

"Oh, right like" she pauses to think, "hmmm finish packing maybe?"

I can feel myself freeze. How did she find out?

Well I guess I should start talking so I don't seem completely guilty. Or at least stop staring at her as if she just told me she was pregnant or something.

I force my mouth into a fake smile. Its probably an awkward looking one too.

"Uh.....what?"

"Moon, please don't play dumb. I went into the shed last night and saw your bags stashed away in there." She said rolling her lenses, removing her grabbers from me and making her way to the living room.

"Wow, I uh.....its just you almost never go in there..... I didn't expect you to -"

"Moon, look, all I can think is that you're either getting ready for some kind of trip that you haven't told me about or you're slowly trying to walk out on me. So please just tell me which one it is."

"Whoa, oh my God, babe no I'm not walking out on you!"

Damn. If she knew what I was thinking before she came down here she would not be happy. I mean, it has crossed my mind. Packing my bags, going off on the trip and just not coming back. But realistically, I could never do that.

"I'm going on this spiritual retreat for about two weeks, that's all."

Aroha throws her grabbers in the air, frustrated with this conversation.

"Are you kidding me?! Why couldn't you just tell me that? Why did you think you had to hide your bags?" She says, almost chuckling in disbelief.

"Because, lately you've been getting really annoyed by these random trips and I just didn't wanna deal with that. Plus, I know you would want to know who else is gonna be there and I already know that's gonna start a fight."

Aroha looks at me suspiciously as her jaw begins to clench. She takes a deep breath in and out and places her grabbers on the sides of her midsection.

"Allure. She's gonna be there isn't she?" she finally asks, her lenses closed waiting for me to admit it.

"Yeah, and so are Fuse, Maverick and Rashaad." I say, trying to ease the tension.

"Yeah, but Allure's gonna be there, too. With you. In this beautiful, quiet, nature setting. Great opportunity to get closer to you, don't you think?" she says slowly stepping towards me with each statement. Glaring directly into my lenses as if daring me to deny what she's saying.

"Oh come on, we're going as a group of friends"

"Ha, that's never stopped her before!"

"That doesn't matter! I'm not going for her. I'm going for me. To help myself. So I'm sorry, but I really don't wanna argue about this. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I'm leaving tomorrow and that's that."

"Wow" Aroha says, not to me but to herself it seems.

She continues to stare into space, looking more disturbed than anything else. Its like there is a thought in her processor that she can't control or get rid of. A thought that she's fighting to keep inside instead of letting it transfer to outward expression.

She slowly looks up at me without moving any other part of her but her lenses.

"I think I should sleep in my work room tonight." She says to me coldly.

"Aroha-"

I take one step towards her. She takes one step back.

"Good night".

*******

I guess I deserve to be laying in bed alone right now. I just wish I could at least fall asleep instead of thinking about how Aroha is in another room, pissed at me a night before I go away.

I can't stop thinking about that look on her face.

What was going through her mind that seemed to be bothering her that much?

Was she really that tormented by me going on this trip with Allure?

I mean its not like its only me and her going.

I should check on her. Maybe I could make things better before I leave.

I roll out of bed and quietly walk down the short hall to her work space. The second I step in front of the door I can hear her quietly talking on the phone.

"I just feel like I'm losing her, you know?",

she sniffles, "Its like there's always something else or someone else on her mind.

It never used to be this way".

I don't even bother knocking. I step away and walk back to our room. I've hurt her enough for one night.

*Vision fades to grey*

*Sound of cars racing by, binaural audio playing*

And I'm back. Shit.

*****

"I had another one!" I announce barging through Cindy's open office door.

"Oh, and I know how to control when it happens. I was watching those case studies and the guy said it happens whenever he has some type of high or something, so I just injected a shit ton of serontonin and dopamine into myself and it worked!", I catch my breath from the rambling.

"What?!" Cindy barks at me with an alarmed look on her face.

"Yeah, that's what I did the first time Aroha came back to me so I just did it again but with higher dosage so it would happen quicker", I explain, suprised at her reaction.

I mean, girl you gave me the damn syringes yourself.

"You can't just do that! The fact that the dosage made you black out at all is not okay ...or normal! A healthy amount of serotonin and dopamine is supposed to improve your functionality and well-being. You can't just play around with the dosages all willy-nilly! If I knew that's what you wanted them for I would have just gave you some actual drugs!"

"Well...I mean if they're over the counter..." I shrug and grin at her suggestively.

It's not like she hasn't bent the rules before.

"No, Moon! What I'm saying is, it's just not healthy to be manipulating your chemicals in an unnatural way. If you want to voluntarily blastback you can trigger chemical release through exercise, music, meditation-" she gasps, ".... or hypnosis!"

She beams at me and an ecstastic smile spreads across her face. She keeps looking at me without saying another word, which leads me to believe she has an idea that's supposed to give me some kind of breakthrough or something.

"...Huh?", I break the silence, still not completely sure what that idea is...or if I want any part of it.

*****

I sit in in a long reclining chair in Cindy's secret room awaiting the hypnosis process. For a while Cindy was giving me prompts as I stared at a big spinning spiral she had on this huge screen against a wall.

She's been silent for a while and all I see is that big spiral while everything around me is dark. I can tell that my lenses are closed, yet I still see it.

"Okay, I want you to describe some details of your last blastback. What were you surrounded by? What sounds did you hear? What emotions did you experience?", Cindy asks gently.

"Well we were in the house. I mean, our house. I was trying to bake muffins and I set the fire alarm off. The only sound I can recall besides our voices was the the fire alarm ringing."

"Fair enough. Could you tell me more about this Aroha girl that appears to be your partner. Romanticly".

She says the last word in a teasing, suggestive tone that makes me slightly uncomfortable. Yet, it makes me grin a little bit.

"She's very....expressive," I share.

"Well, what do you mean by that?"

"I mean she has alot of, ya know.....feelings."

"Hmm...could you elaborate?" Cindy prompts.

"Like, it seems like she doesn't stop to think. She just talks and whatever comes out, comes out."

"Ah, so she's outspoken."

"Yeah! Outspoken. And its like any feeling she has is super strong. Like when she's happy, she's ecstastic. When she's angry, it's enough to scare you. And when she's sad....."

"Its like there's always something or someone else on her mind.......It never used to be this way".

"Moon?", Cindy awkwardly interrupts my daze.

"Huh?"

"Was there a point in the blastback where Aroha may have seemed hurt? Is that something that had come to mind just now?"

"Um, yeah uh," I clear my throat and re-adjust myself in my seat, "I overheard Aroha crying in another room. It was after the argument. I was leaving for a trip and she wasn't happy about it. Well, actually she was pretty pissed."

"A trip? Tuh, this is some good stuff. I mean-" Cindy quickly snaps herself back into the task at hand, "did she mention why she was upset about you going away?"

"Yes. There was another girl that was gonna be there and I didn't want her to know" I say partially sighing.

"Mhmm and why would you want to keep that from her?"

"Because......because I kind of liked the other girl. I mean not exactly like how I like Aroha. At least I don't think so. I just remember when Aroha brought her up, I felt a bit shy about the way I thought about her. Which is kind of like how I feel when I talk or think about Aroha, except it's kind of a....good feeling. When I thought about the other girl, it didn't feel good."

Flashes of long, blonde and green veil.

Green lenses the same shade as emerald gems.

Sheath the same brown shade as sand.

"Moon, what do you see?"

Cindy's voice is becomes muffled.

Long, slender walk rods step towards me.

"Moon? Are you hearing my voice?"

Yeah, I do, but I feel too hazy to bring myself to answer.

I see the back of two heads.

The head of the person driving is covered with wavy, lush veil down to their shoulders. The other person's veil defies gravity, floating outwards from their head and is coloured an unnatural colour.

Purple?

How did she get away with that? She must not belong to a facility, like Aroha.

"Moon, could you tell me where you are right now?"

*Vision Fades to Grey*