15th Chapter

Jessica

Now the autumn vacations were already over. And finally school was back... Why finally? Because after two weeks I could finally see Jannik again. I had missed him so much, had finally realized how empty it was without him.

When I came to school, everything was like before. Jannik looked at me again very often, which made me fly every time. With Ariana and Eren everything was pretty much the same, although they were flirting more obviously now. With Finnja it was pretty hard. I couldn't really watch Lukas though, only sometimes. But I also almost never saw him watching her. Or Sandy. Sometimes I wondered if he even wanted girls. But I didn't give up that Finnja had chances. Definitely more than Sandy, after all, Lukas had even said once that he didn't want to be in a group effort with Sandy.

But what I noticed and could not believe myself at first: Once Jannik and Laura were both around again, Jannik didn't look over at her once, barely paid attention to her and completely ignored her. Although I was happy, I was unsure if this was just because of his friends standing next to him or if he really didn't want anything from her anymore...

But in the next days it showed during the break: Finnja namely told me that she had seen Laura with her friend. When they didn't want to make their rounds in the usual direction, her friend asked Laura: "Why are we going like this now?" Exactly this direction would be the direction to meet Jannik. "Because I can!", she said so confidently to her and ran along the path. Watching like any crazy how Jannik reacted to Laura, we noticed how she looked at him so penetratingly and he just ignored her completely. And he did that for the next few days as well. I was so infinitely happy, especially when he continued to look at me so strikingly and sweetly.

Slowly it became more and more noticeable that he wanted something from me, which Finnja also claimed. Every time she said something like that, I hoped she was really telling the truth. What she actually did.

Finally it came to that, that he looked at me so obviously, bent over in music with intention to watch me, so that I was almost sure that he had a crush on me. Slowly he was also not so exaggerated with the ,,making jealous".

Now several things were happening again. When we had to play class memory with a teacher, I naturally sat down in Jannik's place. I didn't care so much if someone might notice, after all, the seats at the very back in the corner were still the best. When Jannik saw that I had sat down on his seat and he exceptionally sat down at the teacher's desk, he watched me the whole time. Really me, thereby I had to grin always easily. Now, however, Jannik had to change places with someone, so that he sat on Paul's place, thus exactly in front of me. I noticed how his eyes looked as inconspicuously as possible to the back, until he turned around completely and pretended that he hadn't seen who was sitting in his seat: "Who is sitting behind me?" To which I simply said: He looked at me for a moment, then turned around again. Somehow I was so nervous, but I also saw the excitement in his eyes. No matter how confident this Jannik was, with me he was just an insecure rabbit by now.

After I already sat near him again a few times and he watched me again, I felt so good. This one week had been so great: He had left Laura and was watching me.

Next week went almost the same way. Except this week I messaged Jannik on Instagram again. Always I had this desire to just write to him. But how often had I wished that also times from his side something came ...

In any case, I decided to ask him if he thought that we would write an ex the next day. He wrote back:

"I don't think so, but I'll learn anyway".

,,You?" he asked further.

When I read this, I started to scream. My hands were shaking without exaggeration, they were shaking, I was freezing cold because I was so excited. This "You?" even seemed a little suspicious to me, after all, he wanted to know my opinion about it.... But it could also be a normal question... Better not to get my hopes up, I thought to myself. Thereupon I wrote:

"I don't know, just learn also times for each case".

Since I wanted to continue writing somehow, I asked if he really believed that our Latin teacher had Corona. To which he replied:

"Yes, I think so"

,,You?"

Now it was really striking, he wanted to know my opinion. I was so happy, I just wrote randomly, "Yeah, well, everybody says that" and actually expected that the conversation was over. Then he just wrote another "Jo". I was happy about that alone, but after a few seconds I was disappointed again. The conversation had ended so stupidly. After I had asked Finnja whether I should still write something, she said, it would not be so stupid and I should leave it. Of course, since I told my cousin everything, she had an idea. She wanted me to write to her with a fake account on Snapchat and ask him if he had a crush or a girlfriend. At first I thought it was a good idea, but then I remembered what kind of guy Jannik was. He would one hundred percent start flirting with her right away. And he would never in his life admit to any girl in particular that he had a crush.

Because that's exactly what happened. After my cousin sent a picture of her, he said that she was pretty and also said no to her crush question. It had actually been clear. Who would admit it? But all inwardly I was disappointed. Always in such moments I forgot who he actually was. He would always do something like that and that was exactly what I hated about him. However, I tried to suppress this little disappointment, but I couldn't do it for long. When I told Finnja about the whole thing, she was very disappointed. When I asked for her honest opinion, which took some time, she told me the following: "Jessica, honestly. You really have to think about what you are doing. Because, yes, you that he stands on you, to hundred percent. But you're not that important to him. He's just an asshole! I mean, he puts himself before you. You know, you really have to think about whether you want that. Or how much you really care about him. Because he's not good for you. No, Jessi, but he's not good for you, he's into you, but no, really think it over, because it really can't go on like this!"

I heard her disappointment in her voice. Actually, I couldn't say anything against it, she was completely right. But to think about him like that? Hadn't I done that enough already? How many times had I thought about how I felt about him? Whether he was so important to me that I gave so much for him. That I didn't allow myself a normal life, but only an up and down one. Was he even worth it? I didn't know. Actually, no. But giving him up was the worst thing for me. No matter how arrogant and selfish he was, I had fallen in love with him. The most sensible thing would be to stop. Why was I doing this to myself? Honestly, it wasn't normal anymore. All the love books and movies were no longer kitsch, no, they were reality for me. The feelings I had were actually no longer healthy for me either. The jealousy, the giving in, the desire, the disappointment, the attention, the feeling of being made fun of. Very often it all gathered in me at once. What was he actually doing to me. Better said: What did I actually let him do to me.

But I knew what I wanted. Or did I know it? The considerations of Finnja let me think everything over again. It was just hard. Sometimes I really wondered if I wanted this. To see him flirting with someone every day. Even if it was slowly not so blatant. And also not so often. Of course it was slowly going in the better direction. But why did he always do something like that when things were just going so well?

After I explained all my feelings to Finnja and also told her that maybe he had a chance to change, she gave in a little. I didn't know if she said that just to make me calm down or not to hurt me. Because I really had that feeling a lot with her. But I trusted her, so I assumed that she was telling me the truth.

I also almost had the feeling that Finnja was somehow distracting from the real thing, that I was writing with him. Not on purpose, but we hadn't brought it up at all. In any case, she also thought that he asked these "You? - Questions only to get further into the conversation. This made me feel more positive after all this drama.

This is how it continued. He looked at me, just let Laura. It was perfect. But actually, I didn't want it to be so perfect. Sometimes I wondered if I really wanted it to go on like this. After all, if things went well, it would eventually lead to a relationship. Did I want one? I was afraid of messing it up. And also afraid of the moment that he would ask me if I wanted to be with him, but I just wouldn't be ready. Because at the end of the day, he's still that bastard like before.