Princy_Prince2

I have to keep my difficulties within because that is the only way I can physically prevent myself from trying to commit suicide.
Is it not preferable to be physically dead but mentally dead? I am currently accustomed to being mentally dead, and no one would know unless I made an effort to tell them otherwise. If being deported means leaving this world, I should keep my true emotions and personality hidden from this world and act as if everything is well when it is not.
Verbally, emotionally, physically, and mentally. My entire identity was ruined. My understanding of reality was destroyed.

BOTTLED UP INSIDE

I am too tired of letting people (Family, Friends, and Medical Practitioners) know what's going on with me. Telling anyone about my struggles and my pain (Mentally and Physically) is just a tool of destruction that people (Family and Friends) take advantage of when I am in a vulnerable position.


 I know I am late with a new year's resolution but here it is in the form of a book, my book.  It's better to be quiet than to let the world know who I am.


For 2% of people, my problems and my struggles might seem serious but for the 98% of them, it's just some kind of drama so they can keep bitching about it in their versions to their friends. 


My life is not a movie although I wish it was. 


I don't have a white knight on a horse for me nor do I have a circle to talk and laugh with.


Many people say I am cursed. It does make me laugh but at the end of the day, they are not wrong.  cause when I am in their lives, I make it a living hell for them cause I become too dependent on them during a health struggle of mine. And honestly, I don't blame them for calling me a cursed human. 


It is hilarious how people named me when I was their loyal friend, who I put as a priority in any situation but never got treated the same. But just got treated as a black sheep in everything.


If I remember their names correctly, I should be able to put down their names here in this note but then I also have a side that pities them for their behaviors. 


But all the things they called me, I do wish that no girl at any stage of their life should go through this type of bullying. Because it messed me up for years and I was in denial that it was my fault and the other party didn't have any mistake. The more I blamed myself, the more I went into depression. And it killed me mentally. 


I was broken. And I never want to go through it again in my life. So since I have struggled like a human for so many years since I was 14 years old and now I am 24 years old. It's time to make a late new years resolution. I know I am late and I am always late, there is nothing new about that. 


I don't want anyone to know what I am going through. Let it stay with me. It is really hard to bottle things up but it's the only way to survive physically in this world. I am too tired of showing my life to others and they only consider it as entertainment. 


So my new year resolution is to keep everything bottled up on the inside because that is the only way I don't start a war of being pushed away or being left behind or even being humiliated for being myself and It is the only way of stopping any of my suicide attempts which would result in deportation which is also not a good way to leave the country for good. 


I will take a late oath for this year of 2023, January 18th: To keep it all inside, to pretend to be okay and well, to somehow earn my respect back and make new friends with a solid limitation, to be mature as an adult would, to work on myself for the better livelihood of myself, and to prove to those people who looked down on me that respect goes both ways and not one.


THE LATE NEW YEARS RESOLUTION 2023