Happiness

I am writing this here before I forget

There is something I am looking for...

Maybe it is purpose, or perhaps a will.

I am not entirely sure of what it is that I am looking for.

I guess that is the curse of being free, to have the free will to choose what you will do in life.

I have a job and study but I'm not "set" on doing those things they don't make me happy.

Happiness the one emotion that is positive, right? Because there is the basics; anger, fear, disgust, sadness, and happiness. But what after that? Well you got the other things that you "feel" and I say it like that since there is no definite way to "feel" it is just a reaction based on your surroundings and the way you are programmed. It is not a thought, it is almost instinctual. And those will be jealousy, greed, lust, wrath, sloth, gluttony, and pride.

Jealousy usually is beckoned by you desiring something of something else, and example would be you being jealous of the attention that your coworker is getting, or how more beautiful Snow White is compared to the evil queen and the queen being jealous.

Greed is when a person desires to be a kleptomaniac and not even the Pennie's in others pocket will be left behind. Greed can be about power or just pure monetary value. An example could be me the narrator wanting to be paid 30 more dollars an hour while doing no work (can also correlate to sloth)

Pride would be you taking exaggerated enjoyment out of your own actions or actions that benefit you for example being proud of beating a game or proud of your achievement of getting a home run at kickball. While pride might not seem inherently bad it leads to a person becoming smug, sloppy and tedious to deal with it acts as a buffer for other "emotions".

Lust this one is a kicker. Every one has it to different extents some more than others. It is a primal thing that all animals that reproduce have. To continue the chain, to procreate in in your DNA, and it is weird to talk about without making the convo an erotic novel or a very scientific one. For guys it's whatever makes their pecker hard and girls wet. Idk what ever gets you off. People can go far in search of lust more than many of us would like to not admit in public.

Gluttony, the big bad wolf. Now this guy is the predator of many people and a responsible party for the obesity that plaques the world. Every one likes food, you were made to like it. You need it to survive but we have evolved to the point where we can eat whenever and wherever we please so our stomachs are not responsible to alert us when we are hungry any more. That job has been taken up by our brains, and people eat if they feel pekish instead of hungry, we eat snacks and unhealthy foods all the time and consume sugar until we developed a desease that makes her body fucked up due to having too much sugar in your blood. The funny part is that the brain made the eating part a enjoyable experience so you would continue in search of food, and that mechanism is not hitting us in the ass.

Sloth. Laziness. The leader in human innovation. Perhaps one of the reasons we as humans have become as we are we became lazy and desired not to hunt so we made farms, from there we made everything accessible from food to water to hygiene. To even comfort. Now we don't build our own houses, kill our own food, or go to the river to wash. Laziness has allowed us to enjoy comfort as it is and it will continue to allow it since we enjoy times of peace and relaxation.

Wrath has become a stable and tame compared to why we have it in the first place. I enjoy this emotion the few time I truly tend to become angry. Sure not when I'm actually angry but the after effects are crazy relaxing. As if I am venting, cold anger is a more chilly experience in comparison and can tend to be more lasting I suppose. Back to the topic we used to have anger as a response to something threatening our living space, our "territory" so to say. Whether it be our property or something personal. Now it is just an emotion used when someone is stressed or just angry at something inconvenient. Like a dog turned wolf. Canines filled and domesticated. Not necesario a bad thing just a pity I suppose.

At the end of the day all of these desires come about us wanting to be "Happy".

So I just debunked myself by making all of these negative desires the motivation to attain happiness? Maybe yea sure why not. At the end of it all humans cannot stand to be "happy" otherwise why would we have 4 other emotions that drag happiness down?

Whenever a person starts to become happy they start to look at their surroundings and begin the process

First they analyze their place of living and question if that is where they want to spend the rest of their days.

Then they become critical of the people around them. Whether it is their mannerisms, the way they are or just the feelings they cause the "happy" person.

Then the loss of respect begins and you start strife with your surroundings making your living space negative.

Happiness at the end of the day needs to be administered in small doses otherwise it makes you numb. You have to many negative emotions and only one positive. How do you expect it to prevail over all else.

I hope I don't become happy. Or at least not completely so. Because I know that will be the day I die because I will have found "my" purpose. The "me" of right now would be killed and replaced by someone who is not fundamentally human and will do anything to reach and accomplish its purpose because that is the way I am. I cannot and will not survive because that is what I want. So all I hope is that day comes just a day later than it should that way I don't have commit to the bit.

And so my monotony has lead me to a place I cannot recover from. Hating every inch, ounce, molécula, atom of my very self to the point that... I love every thought that comes from my "being", my consciousness, my self. It's funny really, how insane it really becomes when you realize that a man has no self preservation, which I still do that is the reason I don't just start killing people left and right. Nonetheless that is not the point, the point is that I like myself that is progress. Still I believe that is not enough. Nowhere near enough. I need to find it that inkling that will make everything make sense, make the puzzle pieces fit but I do not know how I will do it. Certainly not by doing the same things over and over again but for that I need financial freedom which I do not have. Hmmm what a blunder. This is totally not fair. Well who said to be born poor. I just needed to be just smart enough to be able to choose my path but not smart enough to make that path easier.

See I believe that there are 2 types of intelligence known to my self. "cognitive" and "comprehension". Personally I'm "smarter" at the comprehensive type. For you to understand what that means you need to know what I mean by those. The cognitive type is the type of person that "sees", "learns", or "watched" something and every thing makes sense, that person is able to use that knowledge right then and there. Their understanding, the way their brain connects with the world is reliable enough for them not have to "understand" it since they already made sense of it. This is complicated to explain but that is my best explanation, sorry about that. On the other hand comprehension is the ability to "understand" to question something until it "clicks" needing that little push for everything to make sense, see where I'm taking this? When one comprehends one is seeing how something works but is not able to use it maybe repeat it but not use it, until it clicks. Not sure if this is a disability or an issue I should be aware of but that is a difference I've noticed between people who learn. You do not have to be one or the other it can depend on the situation but those are two different ways of intelligence.

Now I cannot make sense of my purpose no matter how long I've tried of making sense of it maybe I've not used enough time but I'm not patient enough. So if I may be so bold Il just throw the cringy line out there. LIFE HAS NO PURPOSE. There I'm done. So we need to give it meaning. I think I've made very clear I do not know how to do that. The only ways I know are by following my desires, so yeah awkward for me huh since I cannot do that without being thrown in a pretty room all colored white(which I'm starting to consider an option). With that out of the way I've considered finding a person to give my life meaning for me. Now my options, at least the common ones. Become someone's pet, slave or otherwise their simp. I think I have enough pride to not do that willingly(for now). Another is to become a soldier I suppose. That is not so much a bad choice just not preferred due to my laziness. The last one is to be a degenerate follow my desires to the letter but I'd just be a animal at that point so it defeats the purpose of being a human.

I've gone in circles like this for a while and started writing the same name over and over and over in a page to try to make sense of something. Five pages down and my hand is just tired of trying to write a name in a black page.

Then I seek help in the wonderful hell pit the internet is to try to look at things from a different point of view. That went well. From the new breed that is the gender movement, to sigma male grind set mentality, I think I will stick to my views for a little longer no matter how deranged they may be now. It truly marvels my brain how people find looped arguments and find them to be agreeable or when then get challenged and realize their argument is flawed, they refuse to change. I look at it with pity since I also do it and find myself to be disgusted with myself and then realize that is somewhat healthy?

Setting that controversial topic aside I wish I could just be a being that does not require human interaction being a mix of an extrovert and introvert helps but it still bothers me how hard it is to find a "decent" person which I can be somewhat real to.

The mask is cracking and sadistic tendencies tend to overflow. Then again I tend to state that I'm a switch so what does that say? Am I just tired of being on the receiving end of the abuse or was I lying to myself?

Are we ever real to ourselfs or do we just have a self defense mechanism to prevent that?

To end this rant. When are we "done" thinking and removing said thoughts?

Is happiness a thing that is real?

Do we need to give a purpose to life?

Is humanity as we know it ending?

Can we ever go back to the way things were?

Do I even know what I am saying?

Bye bye see you next time if you watched and left to never come back leave a sign, a stupid comment like "E" would do, anything really.

Sohave a nice day and break an arm.