Bokuto 3

"I'm gay Bokuto-san." Akaashi said that surprised me while we're walking home.

He had his head down as if he's afraid that I might look differently to him after coming out on me. I am surprised, but not to his confession but to why I feel ecstatic to his confession about his sexual preference.

I put my arms on his shoulder as if I heard nothing serious. "Does it make me your best friend now?"

I asked that made him looked at me finally. And God may forgive me but I feel like my heart skipped a beat when I saw how tears welled up on his eyes with a relieved smile on his flushed face.

"Thank you for acting normal Bokuto-san. To be honest, I'm really afraid that I needed to quit the club after this. I don't want to get hated just because I like men. It's just that I want to let this out coz it's suffocating me." Akaashi said while wiping the tears that fall on his eyes, making me want to hug him tight.

"And why do you have to quit? Does being gay makes you a sinner? Gay or not, You're a great person and the best setter Akaashi." I said that calms him.

"Thank you, Bokuto-san."

Akaashi said at me with a sincere smile on his face before he heaved a relived sigh as we walked towards our station.

Akaashi looks more beautiful than Yukie with that smile of his.

I slowly released my hands that is on his shoulders when I thought about that. I'm not gay that's for sure. And I'm in love with Yukie for so long.

But why...

I glanced at Akaashi's beautiful face while he's not looking at me. And again, my heart skipped a beat when he glanced back at me and smiled sweetly.

Why my heart keeps on skipping a beat like this?

Am I sick?

That was my first thought when Akaashi confessed about his sexual preference. But since that day, I couldn't get him out of my head and I've been having weird dreams about him lately. And what's more terrifying to my feeling is that I hate it when he's hanging out with Konoha and see them close. I know Akaashi's only a friend and my setter, but even so, I can't erase this hateful feeling of mine whenever they are together.

Whenever Konoha makes him laugh that I couldn't do.

Whenever they hangout alone without me.

"Why do you ask my relationship with him? Are you jealous?" Konoha asked when I told him not to keep asking Akaashi to hang out every day.

Jealous?

I've never been jealous my whole life. Even if Yukie gets letters and chocolates from other guys, I've never felt insecure or jealous about it.

But why?

Why do I feel like shit when I see Akaashi laugh to Konoha's corny jokes?

Why am I irritated with their closeness?

As if I want Akaashi to only feel like that towards me.

"Let's break up, Kou. I'm sorry." Yukie said one day.

She said that she ends up sleeping with Konoha when they had a drink with the others. We've been dating for so long and I know she's not the type to cheat. I begged her not to break up with me. But I admit, it's not because I love her so much that I can't live without her but because, she's the only one who's holding my sanity.

She's like my conscience...

A stopper...

To not jump on Akaashi whenever I sleep over to his house.

To not punch Konoha when he casually touches Akaashi.

To not fall in love deeper with Akaashi when I knew that I'm not the person he likes.

I feel that he likes Konoha. He acts cold and distant when he's with me and total opposite when he's with Konoha. The only time he smiled at me warm and sincere was when he admits that he's gay.

But Yukie still left me and transferred. I drown myself in sorrow not because she's gone but because when I went to Akaashi's home to talk about what happened to my relationship with Yukie, I saw him being hugged by Konoha in front of his house.

I am hurt.

I feel defeated.

Twice because of the same person.

The person who ruined my relationship.

And now taking the person I want to be with.

So, I drowned myself in alcohol.

I don't know how much I drank that time. What I remembered is that Akaashi went to pick me up. And that he brought me to a hotel. I can't remember how we end up having sex but what I recalled is that I keep on calling Yukie's name that night and begging her not to leave coz it'll make me a sinner.

A sinner who's only salvation is Adam.

And that Adam is Akaashi.

And when I woke up remembering all the things I did, I told him that I will take responsibility of it even we're both men. But why did I ask him out without telling him my feelings?

Because I'm scared that he will hate me if he found out that I've dreamed about making love with him almost every night.

That I love him.

Why I didn't stop on making love with him back then?

I did it because I want to take him away from Konoha who took my sanity away from me.

If he didn't sleep with Yukie, I'm still sober.

I might forget this feeling I have for Akaashi sooner or later.

But he made Yukie leave me.

And that's how I make Akaashi mine.

But even so, their closeness was still the same. They still text and call each other. They hangout like always. While me and Akaashi couldn't even act as normal couple when it's just the two of us. We looked sweet in front of our friends but when it's just the two of us, there's this awkwardness.

We rarely kiss or have sex. And we always do it when I had a drink and acts drunk. But when we do it while I'm sober, Akaashi always blindfolding me. And I fuckin feel insecure about it.

Why does he keep on blindfolding me when I love seeing his lewd expression? When I love to hear his moans. I love him but I feel like, I'm being used by him.

It feels like I'm not really the one he wanted to be with.

Like I'm just someone else's substitute...

Because he can't leave me.

Because he pities on me.

Because he doesn't have a choice but to be mine.

And this insecurity of mine got worsen when we started living together.

Why?

Because there are times that I hear him talking to someone in the middle of the night. And when I once acted sleeping, I saw him leave my side and met a drunk Konoha outside our home. And when I tried to ask him where he went when he came back, he lied. I feel betrayed by him so I had my revenge. I hired a random girl to our home and told her to act like we're having sex but I only touched her when I heard him came home.

Akaashi saw us acting intimate when I'm not really doing anything under the sheets. He didn't get mad or anything. He just looked at me painfully that made me feel guilty so I asked to break up with him when the girl I hired left.

"Don't leave me. I'll die if you do." Akaashi said in panic but I continued packing my clothes. I heard him went outside our room so I followed him just to run towards him in panic when he slashed his wrist with a knife.

"I love you Bokuto-san... Please don't leave me." He begged with tears on his eyes. And that's where my confusion and hatred started.

How can he say that he loves me but still keeps on meeting Konoha in the middle of the night when he thought I'm sleeping?

I never saw them being intimate. They're just talking as if they're fighting. And I found out the answer. Coz he went home drunk one night with Konoha and he's in a disheveled appearance. I even saw a hickey on his neck that made me go berserk and punch Konoha when I talked to him outside.

"Do you really think your relationship will last? Do you think he's really happy with you? You can't even make love to him when you're sober. You can't make Akaashi happy. At the end of the day he will still come back to me. I have my eyes on him first. He's telling me everything. I'm the right person for him!" Konoha said that night that made me punch him.

"Akaashi's mine now. Back off and don't let me see you hanging out with him again!" I said in anger that only made Konoha laughed mockingly.

"I don't know if you can still say that if you knew what Akaashi asked me to do." He said with a grin on his face that I wanted to erase.

"What do you mean?"

Konoha smirked. "Can you still stay with the person who ruined your relationship?"

"What?"

"Akaashi asked me to ruin your relationship with Yukie. So that he can have you for himself. Because he thinks that you're the one for him when you're not. He is just being delusional because you're the first one who accepted him. And so, I did help him to wake him up on his delusions..."

I feel ecstatic upon knowing it. I don't care if he did all that to make me his. Just knowing that he loves me is enough.

"I don't care."

Konoha smirked.

"But in exchange, I can have sex with him whenever I want to and even until now, we still do."

All the blood rushed to my head so I punched Konoha until he knocked out on the ground. I don't mind Akaashi ruining my relationship. But what I couldn't take is that I'm sharing him with that bastard Konoha.

And that's how he ended up kneeling in front of me that time when we had a match with Argentina, while begging me not to leave him after I found out what he and Konoha did to Yukie.

I am mad.

But it still breaks my heart when I saw him in tears.

I couldn't move but I want to pull him up and hug him tight.

But I still have this hatred inside me.

Especially when Konoha drags him from kneeling in front of me and take him somewhere I don't know.

Outmost happiness. That's what I feel when I finally claimed him as mine.

Extreme sadness. That's what he gave me in return for trusting him. For loving him.

Melancholy and Euphoria.

That's what I feel when I'm with him.

I went to the room he's staying when Yukie left. My heart feels heavy when I saw him curled up in bed like a cat with traces of tears on his face. It seems that he didn't take shelter from the rain coz he's wet when he came. I just end up acting cold because of what I saw earlier but the truth is, I really want to hug him tight when he came home.

"Akaashi why did we end up like this?" I asked in a sad tone while brushing the tears that fell on his eyes while sleeping.

I sighed and was about to lift him up so he can sleep on our bed when his phone vibrates beside him. I don't really plan to check his messages coz I respect his privacy if only it's not Konoha who send him a message. I almost throw his phone when I saw Konoha's message.

From: Konoha

Did you get home safe?

Isn't it too much now? Stop your martyrdom Akaashi.

You can always come to me.

I can take care of you.

Let's meet tomorrow. I'll pick you up.

I miss your smile.

I miss you Akaashi.

I got blinded with jealousy. My mind went black and the last thing I know, I'm fucking him roughly while calling someone else's name. And when I finished, I left him and went to our room.

I ended up slapping myself hard in the face when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror after doing that thing to him. Seeing my monstrous self, I broke the mirror cursing our fucked-up relationship. I tried to calm myself while I stare to that unknown monster reflecting on the broken mirror.

I need to end this.

I don't want to hate Akaashi anymore.

I don't want to hate myself anymore.

But I don't want to break it off with him too.

I need to talk to him.

I want to start over with him.

I only want Akaashi.

Tears fell on its own when I said that to myself. There's no doubt. It's still him that I want. I cried silently until I calm down. I went out of the bathroom and lay down on our bed. And as I stared at the ceiling. I tried to recall how beautiful his smile was when my heart skipped a beat for the first time.

"I only want you to smile like that again but why I can't make you?"

I sighed and closed my eyes just to feel ashamed of myself for what I did earlier. I get up and went back to check on him from the other room but before I could open the door, my heart aches painfully when I heard his faint sobs.

I want to enter the room and talk to him but my pride is stopping me from doing so. I'm still mad. But a part of me wants to end this madness. In the end, I went back to our room and sleep it off.