Bokuto 4

"Bokuto-san, wake up! You have training, right? I cooked breakfast. I need to go early today." Akaashi woke me up in a lively voice and on his lips plastered a sweet smile as if I didn't mess up last night.

As if nothing happened at all.

He took me by surprise. I just wished for that sweet smile of his last night and now he's doing it. I was caught off guard that I only end up staring at his beautiful smile. Akaashi giggled that made my heart beats rapidly. He gently pinched my nose maybe because I just keep staring at him.

"Wake up sleepyhead! I need to go now. Make sure you eat your breakfast." Akaashi said before leaning closer to give me a peck on the lips.

I almost grab his nape and kiss him properly but I couldn't because of the next set of words he said.

"I love you, Koutarou." He whispered before going, leaving me shocked because it's rare for him to tell me those words. He only says it whenever I threatened him that I'll leave.

I sighed when he left and a sweet smile was plastered on my lips.

What a blissful morning.

I can't believe it that I'll see Akaashi's sweet smile first thing in the morning and I'll hear him say those words naturally. I rolled in bed because of excitement and message Yukie about it. She was happy and annoyed at the same time because I interrupted her babe time with her girlfriend.

My mood is so lively even until I went to our practice match. I'm planning to talk to him about Konoha tonight. I don't want to wait until our anniversary. I want to settle everything tonight. If only Konoha didn't ruin it with a simple text telling me to just break up with Akaashi. Making me remember what I did last night.

It makes me wonder that Akaashi really do tell Konoha everything about him. And I feel this destructive rage again.

"Bokuto-san, let's eat out together!" Hinata said that made me hide my frown from the text I got from my former team mate.

"Sure. I'll pick up Akaashi. We'll meet you at the usual pub." I said and left to pick up my Akaashi before that bastard Konoha could get to him.

I called Akaashi when I got to the front of his office building and waited for him. He immediately went to see me right after our call with a bright smile on his face and greeted me in a jolly tone.

"You're being weird, Akaashi. I'm warning you. The moment you do something against Yukie again, I'll leave you." I hissed before I could even stop my mouth from blabbering words I didn't mean to say.

A weak smile formed his lips that made me guilty. "Don't worry Bokuto-san... I won't."

I didn't say a word and just walked to the pub we usually go. It's just a walking distance to his office. We walked in silence but my conscience is eating me for snapping at him like that even though I told myself that I'll talk to him first.

"You're so slow." I said when I realized that he's not walking side by side with me anymore. I grab his hand and drag him gently.

It calms me a little when I feel his warmth. All the exhaustion of battling with my jealousy, insecurity, hatred and all this negativity when he's not around, disappears when we're like this.

I do love him but the reason why I can't trust him is because he still communicates with Konoha even after I learned what they did.

Akaashi still run to him.

I already knew what they did before to Yukie. I forgive him about it because at that time, my relationship couldn't be saved anyway. But what I don't understand is why they still keep seeing each other?

Plus, I can't control my anger.

I can't control my jealousy.

Just thinking that someone other than me sees that lewd side of him is making me tremble in anger.

And this hate I have, Akaashi is the one who keeps on receiving it.

I don't know how much I drink. I'm thinking of talking to him but I ended up getting drunk because I'm lost in my thoughts. And the next thing I know, I'm resting on his lap while we're on a cab. And Akaashi's cupping my face with his eyes filled with sadness.

And it's hard to breathe.

Why do you keep looking at me like that, Akaashi?

I should be the one who's in pain.

I should be the one who's sad.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in tears that breaks my heart. I wiped the tears on his face.

"Akaashi... It's painful." I said finally.

It's really painful to see him cry like this because of how fucked up I am. I can't justify my wrong doings. I know that I'm in the wrong too. It's me and my pride who's making my beautiful Akaashi cry like this.

"What is?" He asked.

"Being with you... I feel like I'm being stabbed here." I pointed on my heart, "Every time I see you. It's... Suffocating." I said.

It's really suffocating...

We're a mess.

But even so.

I still want him.

I fall asleep after telling him those words and the he woke me up when we finally arrived in our home. When he was about to leave our room after he tucked me in bed, I grab his arm to stop him. And I hugged him tight.

I don't want him to leave my side. I regret drinking a lot tonight.

"Akaashi..."

Y-yes Bokuto-san?"

"It's your fault." I murmured that made him smile weakly.

It's your fault coz you won't even assure me that I'm the only one.

The only one you love.

The only one you want to be with.

I wanted to say but I couldn't because my world keeps on spinning.

"I know. I'm sorry." He answered that saddened me.

He pulled away from my embrace and looked at me with tears on his eyes while I just stare at him. I don't know what to do. I'm getting weak because of the alcohol I drank.

"Don't worry Bokuto-san... I'll be taking this pain in your heart with me now." He said in tears while still trying to keep the smile on his lips.

"Hmm?" I wiped his tears with pain written in my eyes.

Don't leave me, Akaashi. I love you.

I wanted to say but drowsiness is slowly taking me away.

He didn't answer me, instead he kissed me gently so I kissed him back. But Akaashi pulled away before the kiss deepens and smiled at me once more.

I don't want to sleep. I love to just stare to that beautiful smile he gave me like the first time, - a serene and sincere smile.

"Sleep tight, Bokuto-san." Akaashi whispered before I finally close my eyes coz I really couldn't stay up.

I'm too tired.

To feel unsecured.

I'm too exhausted.

To feel this hatred.

And the only thing I'm not tired of?

Is loving Akaashi.

That night I dreamed about us. We're happy in that dream. And we actually have a family. We got three children that looks like me that even it's ridiculous, I couldn't help but wished that dream would come to reality.

And then I woke up. I got scared on the silence that welcomed me after I woke up. There's no trace of Akaashi somewhere in our room so I went to the living room. I feel cold sweats on my temple when I opened the door of the other room next to ours and saw nothing but a letter addressed to me, and our house key. My world crashed and my heartbeat stopped when I got to read his letter.

If you're reading this letter then probably, I'm gone in your life now.

I'm sorry Bokuto-san.

For imprisoning you in this relationship.

But before I finally say goodbye, I want you to know everything about me.

I never thought that I'll fall in love with you, Bokuto-san. When I confessed about my sexuality, I prepared myself to be hated by you, but you didn't. And that's when I started admiring you. If it's you, I can be myself. I won't be hated. I thought that's enough for me coz you have Yukie. You already have your significant person beside you.

I keep this love I have for you one-sidedly and to be honest, I can't contain this jealousy I have in me whenever you're with her. So, I thought about giving you up...

Not until Konoha offered me his help. I didn't know why but he helped me make you mine without asking for anything back. He said that he just wanted me to be happy and I guess the reason why he told you the truth about what he did, what we both did, is because he's damn tired to see me loving you one-sidedly even after all these years.

I feel betrayed by him. Because he was the one who set up everything for me and he was the one who destroyed everything. He keeps on seeing me before coz Konoha wants me to tell you everything. I'm sorry I lied before when I meet up with him outside our home, you were not aware of our sin that time. And I was afraid that Konoha might tell you what we did so I keep meeting him when he's drunk to stop him from barging in our home.

It's exhausting.

To hear from him that what I feel for you was a mistake.

That I should end my misery.

Because you won't love me the same way I do.

But Bokuto-san, loving you isn't a mistake. My only mistake is that I showed my love the wrong way. If only I was honest. If only I wasn't greedy.

If I weren't me.

Maybe...

We could be.

We could be happy.

Even being just friends.

That's why I'm sorry.

When I'm with you, it's both unbearable and tolerable...

But now. I'm tired of it.

Loving you greedily.

Loving you selfishly.

Loving you one-sidedly.

I want to rest.

I love you.

But I'm ending this.

I guess it's enough.

I'm sorry and thank you so much for the past years of staying with me.

For staying with the person, you hated the most.

I'm setting us free.

I'm wishing you well Koutarou.

Please be happy and just forget about me. Don't worry, I won't kill myself. I won't put you in misery. I love you so much and I don't want you to be unhappy because of my selfishness again.

Thank you Koutarou.

I'm sorry, I loved you.

Goodbye.