Bokuto 5

I'm here again.

In a pitch darkness.

Walking alone with nowhere to go.

"Bokuto-san!"

A familiar voice called my name and then there's a sudden change of the place where I'm in. It's in my old school back in high school. My favorite place. The volleyball gym.

I saw my old self spiking Akaashi's toss happily. My heartaches when I saw again Akaashi's sweet smile after I get to score.

I just wished to see him smile at me like that again.

And then I was pulled somewhere else. And in that dark place I saw Akaashi walking far away from me. I called his name but my voice won't come out so I tried running after him. But every step I take, he just went further and further as if I won't get to him no matter how fast I run.

"Akaashi!" I called and this time my voice came out.

And then he stopped.

Akaashi looked at me with a blank look on his face.

"Come back. Don't leave." I said but he just looked at me coldly.

And then all of a sudden, a faceless man came from behind him. Akaashi looked at him with loving eyes and sweet smile on his lips.

"Akaashi!"

I called once more but as tears fell in my eyes, Akaashi didn't look back at me at all and leave with that faceless man.

"Akaashi!" I shouted his name when I woke up from that dream and I started to cry out loud when I realized that it wasn't a dream anymore.

Akaashi's gone.

He left me.

Because he couldn't take the pain anymore.

The pain that I inflicted.

Because of my pride...

My ignorance...

My jealousy...

It's my fault that he left.

And there's no way I can justify my actions.

It's been three months since Akaashi left me. None of our friends knew where he is and his phone is out of coverage. Even Konoha who I thought he will run to, didn't know where he is. He was more surprised and worried than me that it's hard for me to confront him for deceiving me about his real relationship with Akaashi.

I tried to send messages to Akaashi even though I'm not sure if he will get to read it. Lots of messages to tell him everything.

My feeling that I haven't told him.

My foolishness for believing Konoha's lies.

My regrets now that he's gone.

But none of them gets to him. As if he cut me off to his life totally. Which I knew I deserve not because I didn't love him enough.

I loved him too much but I didn't trust him just the same.

And no matter how many litre of tears I cry...

He won't come back to me at all.

He left without a trace.

He left leaving everything behind.

He left because of me.

That's why I understand why his friends hates me now. When he left, I called all his friends and asked if Akaashi's with them. They were surprised when they found out that he's gone. Coz Akaashi doesn't tell his friends what's going on between us. He keeps everything to himself, and I know that it's because of me. Akaashi doesn't want me to be hated even when I truly deserve the hate.

I told them the truth when they asked me. Kenma is the first one who cussed me with an F word that he doesn't usually say that even Kuroo can't stop him from dissing me. Tsukishima on the other hand just treat me coldly after telling me that if ever Akaashi came back, he hopes that it wasn't too late for me to get him back. And that's scarier than him leaving me without a trace.

It's scary to think Akaashi with someone else.

Just the thought of it is killing me. That's why I even tried to hire someone to find him. But until now it was hopeless.

Akaashi hides like he doesn't want to get found by me.

I wiped my tears and get up on my bed to prepare for the day. The only thing that makes me sane is volleyball. I still function normally in court but when I'm off the court, I'm like a lifeless doll. And it worries my team mates because I keep on exhausting myself until I passed out or drink until I get to sleep because since he left, I couldn't sleep properly. And if I do, it gives me nightmares like what I had just now.

The nightmares brought by my regrets of treating him that way.

I regret it.

If only I hold him tight.

If only I talked to him.

If only I wasn't scared.

If only I didn't believe Konoha's words.

Maybe we're still happy.

And now it's too late. All was left are regrets.

Regret of not treating Akaashi better.

Regret of not trusting him.

Regret of not showing him how much I love him.

Regret of treating him like trash because of my jealousy.

And regret of letting his hand go that night.

My heart aches. It's hard to breathe as I silently weep again while taking a shower. I lost him. I lost the person I love because of my stupidity, because of my damn pride. I guess this i s my Karma for not treating him better.

I just wished that he'll come back.

I want to see him again.

I want to hold him again.

But this time...

I'll make sure it'll be different.

I will love him properly.