Bokuto 7

"But I'm ending it now."

My mood plummeted when I heard this next set of words after telling me he loves me. I crumbled inside. My heart literally stopped beating to those words that escaped Akaashi's lips looking at me with his dead eyes. It plunged me into despair. It feels cold. It wasn't even December and we're inside the house. Our bodies are just a few inches away from each other but I'm cold. Numbness infused my body and I could hardly move.

"I'm sorry for everything Bokuto-san. I'm sorry for what Konoha and I did to your relationship with Yukie. It's my fault that you were in pain for several years because I'm so damn selfish. I'm sorry if you have to stay with me out of pity. I'm sorry and Thank you for letting me love you for all these years. You don't have to worry any more, I won't do anything to your beloved Yukie. Coz I'm ending this love now." Akaashi looked serious and on his lips, still plastered a tired smile.

I lowered my head coz I'm out of words to say. I don't get it why he keeps on mentioning about Yukie when we're already done years ago. Yukie and I are just friends now, I'm just mad at him because of Konoha's deception but it doesn't mean that I'm still in love with her.

I admit I've been a scumbag. I hurt him deliberately. And no words can justify my action. And as much as I want to tell him my side, I couldn't. His cold, dead eyes stopped me from doing it so.

Coz I am already aware that he has decided.

To end his love for me.

To unlove me.

I just remained looking at the ground until he left our home. Tears fell on its own when the door closed behind me.

It's over.

I can't take him back now.

But I still want him.

I went out to follow Akaashi but pain gripped my chest when I saw him being hugged by Osamu outside while crying. An empty laugh escaped my lips with tears in my eyes as I watched him being comforted by another guy. I guess I don't really have the ability to make him happy.

I'm always the cause of his unhappiness.

I'm always the reason why he's in pain.

I'm the one in fault.

I feel empty when I went inside our house. I walked towards our room and take out the ring box on my pocket that I always bring with me because I always think that we might crossed path again somewhere.

Tears keep on falling as I take a look inside the box and saw the ring that I never had a chance to give him.

His cold and tired expression earlier when he was with me flashed on my mind. How can I tell him my feelings when I see on his face that whatever I say, it won't change his decision?

Then his laughter when his with Osamu echoed in my head making it hard for me to breathe. All my hopes disintegrated when I saw how that cunning fox lifted his mood.

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes to stop my tears but even if I do, they still keep on coming out. Nonstop. And my heart feels like they stopped functioning normally. Like it now felt the exhaustion for the past six months. I took my phone and checked all the messages I send to Akaashi since he left.

To: My world

Where are you? If you read this message please call me right away. I'll pick you up wherever you are. Please Akaashi... Let's talk this out.

Akaashi I'm sorry. Please come back. It's hard to leave without you.

You're my world, Akaashi. You're the only one I want to be with. I'm sorry for treating you like that. It's my fault. It's because I didn't talk things with you. I jump into conclusion because of my damn pride and jealousy. I didn't trust you and believed Konoha's lies. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I regret it. I'm sorry.

Akaashi... It's been three months since you left. I can't sleep normally. I even had a nightmare that you're now happy with someone else. Akaashi...when are you coming back? I miss you. I love you.

I'm slowly losing hope that I can still see you. You left without wanting to be found. And it's hard to live Akaashi. I lose the will to look forward to my life now that you're gone. Volleyball is the only thing that's making me sane. When are you coming back? I will wait for you Akaashi.

I saw someone who looks like you. I thought you were him. I wished you were him. So that I could tell you how much I love you. That I regret my stupidness. I should have treated you better. I shouldn't have believed Konoha's words. I should have trusted you. I'm sorry Akaashi. But you know what? Despite of all that I've done, one thing I didn't regret at all is loving you.

My vision blurred with tears while reading all my unread messages I sent to him. And as my throat tightened for trying not to cry out loud, I composed another message for him.

Akaashi...

It's painful. When I finally see you after six months, you were with someone else. I got mad when he claimed you his. And I feel like I died when you said that you're ending your love for me. Is it really over? We can't start over?

Akaashi you're my life. You're my world. But since you left, I stopped looking forward to waking up again. Because I won't see again your angelic face while you're sleeping. I won't get to eat breakfast and dinner with you again. I won't hear your soft hums when you showered. And I won't hear you call my name. It's painful.

It's excruciating.

It's tormenting.

It's like I've been poisoned and it's streaming to my system...

Slowly.

Yet deadly.

But it's okay. I deserve it anyway.

When I finally see you smile again. I realize one thing...

Seeing you smile like that again...

Even if I'm not the reason...

Even if I'm not the one who made your lips curved sweetly...

I'll stay in love with you...

And I'll still wait for you to love me back again...

I'll take you back...

But this time...

I will treat you better.

So please Akaashi...

Wait for me.

This time...

I'll run after you.

I'll be the one chasing you.