Bokuto 9

"Bo-kun do you want to ride the ferris wheel?" I shook my head on Atsumu's invitation and just let them enjoy on their own while I watch a certain couple from afar enjoying their early dinner.

"Bokuto, why asked to come here if you're just going to drown yourself with alcohol? We should have just gone to a pub instead of a theme park." Sakusa said angrily after he snatched the second canned of beer I'm drinking while his lover, Tsukishima just looked at me coldly.

"It's not even night time but you're drinking already. Get a grip Bokuto-san. I know it's hard to fix your broken heart, but what's done is done! If you're going to be like this, then you should have treated him better!" Tsukishima's every word feels like a sharp knife stabbing me in my chest coz everything he said is all true.

I smiled painfully when I see how happy the couple I'm staring at since earlier even with just gazing at each other. Specially him, the man I longed for. The man that I love so damn much but just like what Tsuki said, I didn't treat him better so he left and now he's happy with someone else.

"Just suck it up. You had your chance to not keep him but you wasted it." Tsukishima added before he drags Sakusa to where Atsumu and Hinata is. Leaving me alone with the can of beer I keep on buying since earlier while following silently Akaashi and his new man.

I opened another can of beer and drink it all in one shot. Hoping that the alcohol would make me feel numb while watching them from afar.

While watching Akaashi have those expressions unknown to me.

He looked really happy with that fox. I never see him smile that wide in front of anyone else. And the way his eyes sparkled breaks my heart into thousand pieces. Even if I regret all the wrong things I did, it won't make him come back to me at all. He won't love me again just like before.

I stood up on my seat after consuming all the cans of beer I bought and followed them, leaving my friends since they're not really aware that Akaashi and Osamu are also here now. I didn't tell them about it, coz I know they won't let me come between the two who looked like they really do love each other.

No words can describe how painful it is when I saw Osamu pulled my beloved Akaashi in front of the other people but doesn't even give a damn with the way people looked at them. The proud smile on his lips, the way his eyes sparkled with happiness of holding the person I dearly love, I envy it.

That should be me.

And as if on cue, an English song played somewhere in the theme park as if mocking me for being so stupid...for letting the only man I love go. For letting him go when I already have him.

Everybody's laughing in my mind

Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy

Do you do what you did when you did with me?

Does he love you the way I can?

Did you forget all the plans that you made with me?

Cause baby I didn't...

I laughed dryly as tears starts clouding in my eyes, making them blurry while listening to their sweet nothings.

"Can you feel how fast my heartbeat?" Osamu asked Akaashi with a flushed face while nodding shyly as the chorus of the song played in the background for me to hear.

That should be me, holdin' your hand...

That should be me, makin' you laugh...

That should be me, this is so sad...

That should be me, that should be me...

"You're the only one who makes it beats like that." Osamu said to Akaashi who buried his face to the former's chest to hide his embarrassment. And it's too painful to see them like that. To see him, happy while in someone else's arms.

Me too, Akaashi. It's only you who can make this heart of mine beat. I want you back.

I whispered in my head while watching them with tears in my eyes, I didn't even care if people could see how messed up I am.

That should be me, feelin' your kiss...

That should be me buyin' you gifts...

This is so wrong, I can't go on...

'Til you believe that, that should be me...

"Happy Birthday, Aachi-chan. I love you." I heard Osamu said to Akaashi and planting a soft kiss on my beloved's forehead before pulled away from hugging him.

It's heartbreaking.

To see the person you loved, gets their heart swayed by someone else other than you. But it's more heartbreaking to hear how they felt for the other person.

"Thank you, Myaa-sam. For making this day special. I love you too." Akaashi utter in a low voice before they start to walk again away from that place.

I sensed it. The sincerity on Akaashi's three words. It's real. More real than when he told me those words for the last time. I could feel his feelings. I could see it on his eyes.

I need to know, should I fight for love or disarm?

It's getting harder to shield this pain in my heart...

I smiled bitterly to the song while following them silently. I guess I'm really stupid for still wanting to fight for this love of mine. I still want to take this one last chance to tell him the words I couldn't tell him.

That should be me, holdin' your hand

That should be me, makin' you laugh

That should be me, this is so sad

That should be me

That should be me

That should be me, feelin' your kiss

That should be me, buyin' you gifts

This is so wrong...

I can't go on

'Til you believe that

That should be me...

And as the song ended...

I walked to him when Osamu left him for a moment, with only one thing in mind...

To tell him what I feel.

"Akaashi..." I called out his name, and he has a surprised look on his face when he saw me standing in front of him with tears in my eyes. I know I looked like a mess but who cares about my appearance?

I just want him to know what I feel.

"B-bokuto-san?" Akaashi stood up when he saw me.

"Akaashi let's talk..." I begged but Akaashi just looked around first with a worried look on his face, as if he doesn't want Osamu to see him with me. And I envy Osamu for that.

Because he's being too loved by him to the point that Akaashi doesn't want him to get hurt by seeing with me.

"I-I'm with Myaa-sa-...Osamu right now, Bokuto-san. I'm sorry. I don't want him to overthink things if he saw us talking here. I-I'm sorry." Akaashi said in panic and it's envious because he never did that for me when we're still together.

Do you love him more than you did to me?

"Akaashi I regret it. I regret letting you go. I regret treating you like that, for treating you like trash even though I-"

Never should've let you go

I never should've let you go

That should be me

"Stop it Bokuto-san." Akaashi cut off my words in a sad tone looking at me sadly. Tears welled from deep inside my eyes and coursed down my cheeks like a river escaping a damn.

I just want you to know what I feel, Akaashi...

The light on the carousel shines so brightly and reflected on his face as he looked at me, pity written on his eyes. It's all pity and there's no any hint of affection on it. That's when I knew that he's gone.

The Akaashi who loves me is gone forever.

But still, I can't give up just like that.

"Akaashi I'm sorry... Please-"

"I'm sorry Bokuto-san. I don't want Samu to feel insecure again. Our story already ended, Bokuto-san. I...I moved on." He said when he cuts me off once again and tried to leave so I stopped him.

I stopped him by grabbing his hand and hugged him as tears flows freely in my eyes, as my heart beats normally again after feeling his warmth.

"Bokuto-san I already have-"

This time I cut him off. I don't want to hear from him the thing that I already know. Not from those lips of him.

"I feel like I'm dying without you Akaashi... I regret all the things I did to you. I regret believing Konoha more than you. I should've trusted you more. I never should have let you go. I never should have treated you that way. I'm sorry, Akaashi. I'm so sorry." I cried in pain when I finally told him most of the things, I wanted to tell that made him stopped pushing me away.

I kneeled in front of him while holding his hand tightly, afraid that if I let him go, he will run to where Osamu is. I don't mind what the other people thinks while watching us. All I care is Akaashi's response.

"Take me back, Akaashi...please. I'm begging you. I'll die without you. You're my world...and my life. I don't care if you stay because of pity. I just want you back. I love you, Akaashi." Finally, I told him those three words that I've been keeping to myself for so long.

Never should've let you go

I never should've let you go

That should be me...

And as the song finally ends, Akaashi's expression softened. But it wasn't for me. Because when I looked up to him, he's looking at someone else, - a sad and helpless gaze. As if he wanted to be taken away by that person.

And that person is, Miya Osamu. That is now, watching us from a distance with our friends behind him with a displeased expression on their face. Osamu just looked at us sadly as if he already accepted his defeat after I finally said those words to Akaashi.

And I feel defeated when tears fell on Akaashi's eyes before he looked back at me. The me who is pitifully crying on my knees while begging for the person I wasted. But I know that those tears are not for me. It's for the man who finally captured my beloved's heart that looked so hurt seeing us together.

And that's when it finally and totally sinks in to me...

The thing that I've been trying to deny...

Akaashi doesn't love me anymore.