Chapter 29

He excused himself and walked out of the living room to a corridor. "Yaya Mahmud, good evening, how are you and everything over there?" She asked. "Everything is fine. All good. How's everyone at home? And how was the wedding?"

She sighed and spoke, "everyone is fine Alhamdulillah...." then she kept mute. "Aydah, speak up please. I know there's something you want to tell me and I don’t have much time,” he urged her. "Yes Yaya.... it's just that.... have you checked up on Maryam?"

He furrowed his brows and scoffed. "What do you mean? Do I have any business with her?" He asked irked. "But you guys are like... inseparable and best of friends and now...."

"Aydah do you have anything meaningful to tell me?" He cuts in. She sighed, "no.... I'm just worried about both of you. I mean she's hurting and worried without you and...." she paused. "If she actually cares she would've looked for me," he retorted and cuts the call.

Aydah sighed helplessly and kept the phone. Maryam wasn't picking her calls and now Mahmud wasn't helping. She hissed and shrugged of everything. She knew whatever happens, they'll settle things. 

Maryam on the other hand spent the night at Mahmud's place. She sat upright and held her head. It had been throbbing all night. When a migraine struck, Maryam was it's prisoner, quite helpless in her cage of pain. She was blinded with flashing colorful spots and craved darkness, quite and stillness. Often the nausea would overwhelm her and she would vomit. Pain would throb so violently around her skull that she wondered why it didn't just crack open. Today was one of those days. She fetched some pain reliever in his drawer and took it. She packed her belongings and locked the house for him. 

She was a bit dizzy and weak but she managed to take herself home. She went straight to her bedroom and freshen up before going to her mother's room. Mommy was folding her clothes into the closet. "Let me help you, mommy," she offered and collected it from her. 

"You're back early," mommy spoke sitting down on her bed. "Yes mommy, good morning." She greeted not wanting to meet her mother’s gaze. Her mother observed her swollen eyes, pale lips and face. She knew something was up. "Maryam, leave that laundry and come sit, we need to talk." She did as she was told and settled down beside her mother. 

Mommy placed her hand on Maryam's back. "Tell me, what is wrong?" She spoke softly. Maryam looked at her astonished but she changed it with a smile. "No, no mommy there's nothing wrong with me. I promise....." she lied. 

"Maryam.... stop lying to me and deceiving yourself. I'm your mother and you're my only child. If you don't tell me your worries who will you speak to? Whose shoulder will you cry on?Now tell me, what is bothering you?"

A tightening of her throat and a short intake of breath forecast the explosion of emotion which to date, she had managed to keep buried deep inside. Not any more though, that image of things shared with a love which were not to come, was too powerful and gut wrenching to be kept in check; the tearing at her soul was too compelling and energetic to be contained. The vision she had, began to swim in front of her as tears welled from deep inside and coursed down her cheeks. 

Slow desolate tears ran from her unblinking eyes and dripped steadily into her shirt. "He betrayed me, mommy. He..... he said he was going to marry me but he ended up getting married and leaving me heartbroken. He used me." Her shoulders shaking with grief, tears were streaming down her already wet cheeks. Mommy patted her back waiting to hear who she was talking about. 

"I ruined my perfect relationship with Mahmud. He loved me so dearly but I took advantage of his love and pushed him away. He was the one that loved me wholeheartedly but I was so stupid and blinded by the wrong person.” Mommy sighed looking at her daughters red face. "Who is that you are talking about?" Mommy asked gently. "Yaya Mujahid," she replied with a painful smile. Mommy gave a perplexed face expression. "I thought you broke up with him months ago," she said. 

"Yes we did but we got back together. I wanted to tell you but I thought of waiting till he proposed then I'll inform you but I guess.... it was best I didn't tell anyone that we were back together. But.... I really love him...." salty fluid dripped over her small, cracked lips.

Mommy sighed speechless. "You hold my soul in your heart, and my heart is forever yours. You're  free to live, to learn and love whom you love... for there is no rule that can contain such a sacred thing. my girl," she paused and cupped Maryam's face in her palms. "You have my support for always and my guidance should you ever wish to ask for. I would walk through hot fire to keep you safe and feel honoured to be given the chance, feeling only gratitude. For every child is a special gift from Allah. We show our creator our gratitude by loving them with every power we possess, letting them explore, be adventurous, take risks... yet standing by to catch them if they fall. Let a mother's love, and a father's too, be the platform from which our children fly into clear blue skies, ever thankful to be such."

"Listen to me now," she started again. "Whatever is not yours will never be no matter how much you try to keep it or chase it. Allah will never give you something that's not Khair for you, my love. No problem in your life is here to stay forever. Everything passes with time, just like your happy days were driven into the past, all your sorrows also will soon disappear and make way for new happy moments to seem in. Wipe all your tears and gather yourself to face what is coming next. Happiness is only a few blocks away. In sha Allah."

"But mommy, I loved him with all my heart. I loved him wholeheartedly. I've always been the girl he wanted me to but he just chose to throw me into the garbage....."

"Maryam...." mommy cuts her off. "Don't you believe in Qadr? There has never been and will never be a time when Allah will desert you. Place all your fears in him. And yes I know it’s so hard to say goodbye to someone you’re not ready to lose. It hurts I know, I’ve been through that when I lost my mother.” Mommy shook her head and wiped Maryam’s tears. “The only relationship worth crying over is the one between you and Allah. He is your protector and He is the best of helpers. We can be broken by many but only be healed by Allah. He sometimes removes people from your life to help you. And this life is temporary, so is this sadness.”

“Mommy, I’ve done bad things.... I’ve done really bad things....” she spoke as tears cascade down her red face. “Shhh.... I don’t want to hear what you did. I know whatever it is you would never never allow any man deceive you and take your pride away.”

“And Allah will never stop forgiving you as long as you don’t stop seeking for forgiveness.” Mommy continued comforting her. She closed her face with her palms while shaking her head, “I gave myself to the wrong person. Wallahi I loved him so so much, I believed every word he told me,” she sobbed hard.

“When you get what you want, that’s Allah’s direction. When you don’t get what you want, that’s Allah’s protection. And don’t you see what Mujahid did to you, Maryam? Don’t forget what I always tell you; you don’t need a perfect relationship. All you need is someone who loves you wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Someone who wants to spend time with you and respects you. Wait for the Man that would do anything to be your everything. And my girl, you deserve someone that is terrified to lose you.” All what her mother said reminded her of Mahmud. He was exactly as her mother said. How was she that blind not to see that? Why was she that stupid to think Mujahid was the one?

“How would I even know if a guy really likes me?” She asked and faked a smiled. Her mother smiled and caressed her cheek. “You’d know when he likes. He will always makes you smile. He will check up on you often to make sure you’re okay. He will watch out for you and want what’s best for you. He will love you unconditionally and respect you.....”

Maryam took deep breaths as her mother continued to comfort her. She laid her head down on her mother’s lap, listening to her soothing words. “And break ups are okay. Starting over is okay. Moving on is okay. Saying no is okay. Being alone is also okay. What is not okay is staying somewhere you’re not happy, valued or appreciated. That is never okay. What is destined to be yours will reach you, even if it’s under two huge mountains. And what is not destined to be yours will never be, even if it will be right on your palm.” 

Mommy still continued while soothing her hair, “learn to forgive and forget. Learn to have patience my dear. Whoever is patient and forgives, verily, that is among the matters of steadfast determination. Show forgiveness, enjoin  what is good, and turn away from the ignorant. And if Allah is making you wait, then be prepared to receive more than what you ask for.”

“And my dear, I know you’re going through a lot now. Don’t forget; No soul is burdened with more than it can bear. Don’t ever forget that Allah will never burden you with something that is beyond your capacity to deal with. Even on days when you feel as if you cannot take it anymore, know that you can survive it- for Allah knows us better than we know ourselves and whatever trial you’re facing in your life, know that He also gives you the strength to handle that trial. And also do the best you can and leave the rest to Allah. Remind yourself that human responsibility is restricted within certain boundaries. All Allah asks of us is that we fulfill our duties and do the best we can in our circumstances and leave the outcomes to Allah. We can only control our actions and duties, not the outcomes. Even Allah’s prophets did not have control over their outcomes. A believer is rewarded based on the effort, not the result. Do not dwell on what is beyond your control and embrace Allah’s magnificence. Do not make yourself anxious over the unknown outcomes. Play your role the best you can and leave the rest to Him.”

As her consciousness ebbed, her mind went into free fall, swirling with the beautiful chaos of a new dream. Mommy smiled to see her daughter was finally asleep. She gently placed her head on the soft pillow and covered her body with the soft quilt. 

There's something magical about Maryam’s mother. She just loves everything her daughter does. She praises her daughter and makes jovial conversation. They have the kind of bond a civilization could be forged on, just by following their example. Anyone would swap every possession they own to have a mother like that. 

She looked at her daughter’s tear stained face and sighed. She could feel her daughter’s pain. She could feel what she was going through. She was once in her daughter’s shoes when she was her age. She had went through a lot too in her time. But, With hardship comes ease. Allah promises His believer that “For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” Trust His word. Even if the suffering feels endless and you feel yourself getting exhausted from the weight of it all, do not lose hope- for there is ease and something even better waiting for you right around the corner. Nothing remains forever, not even hardships. And those believers who hold on to hope and faith in Allah and adopt patience amidst their difficult times are then rewarded in ways human beings cannot even imagine. So remember, this too, shall pass.

She hoped her daughter would find someone that hates hurting her heart. 

••

Maryam slowly opened her heavy eyes to see her still in her mother’s room. She sat upright with a sigh. She had felt much better after speaking up and telling someone her worries, not just someone, her beloved mother. 

She dropped down from the queen sized bed and walked sluggishly to her room to pray Zuhr because it was passed the time. After praying, she sat on the mat thinking about what her mother told her. She is right; staying somewhere you’re not happy, valued or appreciated is never okay. Wait for the Man that would do anything to be your everything. For a moment, Maryam thought her life was ending till she had that conversation with her mother. She would pass that test and move on. It will not be easy but surely, she will move on. 

Her phone vibrated nonstop, interrupting her ocean of thoughts. She stood up slowly and took the phone from her side drawer. Her heart did a double flip when she saw the person calling her. 

Why is Mujahid calling her?