Chapter 115

The ride home is smooth and pleasant, and for a moment I almost believed that there was nothing wrong in this world. For a moment I almost believe there is nothing wrong with my life, and I'm living the perfect happy life I've always wanted to live.

For a moment I forget all the little bits of drama that has been happening throughout this week, drama that is inevitably making me depressed as the day goes on. I'm riding in a bus, that seems to be the best decision I could take without having to contemplate not hurting anyone.

Eras and Clay had bid us farewell and taken their trouble home. I'm guessing it would be unfair to actually call both of them trouble, or to refer to them as trouble in itself, but yes that is exactly what they are.

They seem to make my head spin round and round, and yet I cannot seem to come to a firm decision. I don't even know what to be thinking at this moment, I'm really confused right now.

I'm not just confused about the fact that in a week I seem to have experience what some people would spend their whole life experiencing. I'm not confused about the fact that life doesn't seem to be going the way I wanted it to, but yet the happenings of the past week has proved that it could be much worse than it always was.

I'm confused about the mystery that is myself, nineteen and orphaned, and with no common sense of survival. I almost wonder how I would keep my head straight in this crazy world.

This is just high school I'm battling with, and yet I seem to be falling and tumbling over and over again. I've gotten my heart broken yet again, and while I am still trying to pick the pieces up, two more people come into my life.

Two people that I think I have unwittingly invited. The whole carnality of it almost makes me grin, it makes me grin until I realise that I am not supposed to be happy.

I'm not supposed to be happy about anything that's happening to me. I have the faint feeling that this depressed stage I have gotten into, is practically what almost every other kid in high school should also be going through.

That feeling of not totally being sure of yourself, of always looking for a purpose, and judging everything you want to do in this life twice before you actually did it. I realise that as a teenager I am more or less lost, I just get into this steady beat and pattern that always seems occupy most of my day, and so I do not ponder too much on the fact that I practically have nothing.

I don't think that's right too. I'm pretty sure I'm still confused, I'm confused, that's why my heart suddenly feels empty.

I'm confused as to why I suddenly feel this void in me, exactly after talking to Aron. I don't know what to think about his confession. I don't want to think much about it though, I've said all I would want to say to him.