Unnamed
compliance you build throughout the night the more likely she will agree to even more, such as going home with you at the end of the night.
Generally, start with small moves first, like going to the bar to get a drink, dancing on the dance floor, or taking her to meet your friends. Then work your way up to bigger moves, such as going to another bar. Note that people who enter a venue together tend to leave together. Of course, if you are at the hottest nightclub in the city this will be more difficult. The point is, make sure to move her, or her entire group, as soon as possible, and keep moving throughout the night.
The two most important things to keep in mind when meeting girls at bars and clubs: always have fun and keep escalating things further. Have fun and escalate. Simple.
Showing Interest at Night
Even at a bar, it's important to show interest so she knows that you are interested in her. The problem is that most guys play it too cool and show no interest, or they show way too much interest too soon, which makes them seem desperate. Don't be that guy that's totally into her just because of her looks. She won't feel flattered and desired, but rather annoyed. Like I've said before, women crave a range of emotions, so show interest and then playfully take it away.
For example, if you are an older guy flirting with a younger girl, you could say, "You are cute but I don't know if it would work between us since you are only 21." Make sure to say this with a cheeky grin. Or, if you want to really amp things up you could say something like, "You should run away right now because I would just ruin you for all other guys."
The point is to keep it fun and flirty by keeping her on her toes. She should never be 100% sure that you want her. And truthfully, you should not be 100% sure that you want her yet either, because you don't know much about her yet.
Being the Selector at Night
You should still qualify girls at bars and clubs, just like during the day, because you need to see if they meet your standards. But since nighttime venues are all about having fun, we need to make it a fun challenge.
In my early days, I tried to qualify just like the day and ask, "Tell me what you are passionate about." Instead of building a connection, the women usually frowned and shook their heads, saying, "I don't want to talk about that kind of stuff right now." It was too serious a topic for that environment.
I learned my lesson so now I keep the energy playful and fun. A minute or two into the interaction I might say, "I kind of like bad girls, so tell me something dangerous you've done," or "If you and I went on a date where would you take me?" or "You aren't the typical crazy L.A. party girl that does coke every time she goes to the bathroom are you?" if we are in L.A. of course. Her answers to these types of questions will give me an indicator if I want to take things further and can create some fun flirty back and forth.
If you want to make it even more lively you could say, "Make it or break it question: favorite 80's pop group?" And if she gives an answer you don't care for, you could say, "Aww you are losing me, okay I'll give you one more chance…" then ask her some random off the wall question like, "Skittles or M&M's?" or "Who was your favorite Smurf, and don't say Smurfette just because she's a girl!"
Obviously, with these kinds of questions the answers don't matter as much, but they are playful, they keep you in control and show her that you are not easy like every other guy there.
Plus, it keeps the conversation going and leads to some great banter and flirting.
Building Rapport at Night
You confidently approach her and her friends. You had some great banter back and forth by teasing her and playing games. You escalated by touching her and moving her away from her friends to come dance with you. You even qualified her and got to know her by asking a few fun and interesting questions, but what's next?
The best way to navigate the night scene is to keep having fun, building rapport and escalating until the sexual tension reaches a crescendo and it's quite clear to both of you it's time to leave. This can go on throughout the night in a cycle: Fun -> Escalate -> Rapport -> Repeat.
In general, you want more fun in the beginning and more escalation and deep rapport later on. That doesn't mean you need to get super serious, but just spend more time on fun in the beginning and then on, emotionally charged questions as the night progresses. The idea is that the fun emotional state will hook her in, rapport and connection will make her feel safe and want to know more about you, and the simmering sexual tension will drive her wild.
Eventually you will either escalate by kissing her and going home together, or by getting her contact details so you can meet her again later.
Closing Logistics
If you want to take her home then it's important, at some point early on, to find out her logistical situation. For example, if she's the designated driver for her group, then there's little chance she'll come home with you. It would be better to get her number and set up a date for later.
The following are five important logistical questions to figure out the dynamics of her and her group:
1. "Who are you here with?" The more people she's with the more people to judge her. If she's there with just one friend she's a better candidate for going home later.
2. "How do you all know each other?" If she's there with her best friend then she'll likely feel more comfortable with kissing in front of her, verses family members or work colleagues.
3. "What are your plans for later?" If her group is leaving to another club soon or she is calling it an early night, then she probably won't go home with you.
4. "How did you get here?" If her and her friends all drove together or she is the designated driver, then she may not be willing to leave her friends. But if she drove separately and met her friends at the bar, then she may be more willing to leave with you because she could sneak away without them knowing.
5. "Any plans tomorrow?" If she needs to wake up early then she's not as likely to stay out all night, although, there are exceptions. In fact, there are exceptions for all of these so use your best judgement.
Whether you decide to take her home that night or not, I recommend getting her contact details sooner, rather than later. Bars and clubs can be chaotic and it sucks to spend an hour with someone you really like just to lose all hope of seeing her again when her friends dragged her out of the venue before you got her contact info.
You might even have a girl that has agreed to go home with you, and as you are about to enter a taxi, her friend comes and grabs her away. If you don't have her number or social media handle, then all is lost. Well that's not entirely true, because it's always good practice.
FOLLOW UP - CALLING AND TEXTING
So, you got her number either during the day, at night, or at a social event, now it's time to re-establish communication and go for a date. I'm not going to go into depth on messaging here, because I have an entire eCourse on the subject called, Turn Her On Through Text, which is packed full of hundreds of proven examples for sparking attraction and getting a date fast through text or social media messaging.
You can get access to it at www.TurnHerOnThroughText.com
I will say this though: make sure to send her a message within twenty-four hours of meeting her. If you wait too long the attraction and memory of you will fade. In fact, the shorter and less memorable the initial interaction was, the sooner you should contact her. If I met her during the day, which is usually a two to three minute interaction, I usually message her two to four hours later. If it's at a bar, then usually the next day between 12pm and 6pm. Any earlier might seem like she was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. Any later and she might be busy eating and getting ready to go out again.
The first message you send should contain callback humor or something that relates to the initial interaction. For example, if I met her at night and we had a fun marriage role-play, then I might message her: "Hey wifey, I hope you are ready for our Fiji honeymoon, but don't pack 37 pairs of shoes this time." If we met during the day and she seemed shy, I might send: "So random meeting you earlier...it was cute how you were nervous when I said hi. -Matt"
The first message is meant to re-establish that emotional communication. You'll have plenty of opportunities later to get a date.
That being said, sometimes messaging back and forth includes sparking more emotion so she's compelled to see you again. If she is having fun messaging you back and forth then she'll assume hanging out with you in person will be fun. But if you already had a great initial interaction then you won't need to do anything more than set up the logistics of when and where to meet.
You can also call her. Yep, even in today's day and age it's okay to call her, as long as you are sure she likes you. If you decide to call her, I recommend planting the seed of the call first with a message like, "Gotta get back to work. I'll call you tonight," so she knows that it's coming. For younger girls, a call out of the blue from a guy she just met can come off as needy, since younger generations rarely use their phones for calling. For older women it can be fine.
By the way, a lot of younger girls prefer social media, instead of SMS texting, because they can see your entire life, which helps them see if you are a safe option or not.
FIRST DATES
Dates are like a slowed down, low energy version of interacting with girls at bars, which means all the same rules apply. That's why meeting girls at bars can be great practice for dates. You still need to have fun, because no one wants to go on a boring date, but you can relax a lot more and focus your attention on getting to know her to see if she has long term potential.
Asking Her Out
When asking a girl out, never ask, "What do you want to do?" or "Where do you want to go?" This puts her in the masculine decision-making role, thus putting you in the feminine role. Women want a man that can take control of the situation, especially when it comes to deciding where to go on a date. So be decisive and direct by telling her where and what time to meet you.
Feel free to give her a few options because she might be busy on the day you suggest. You can say, "Hey, I'm free Tuesday and Thursday night...what works best for you?" Or "What's your schedule like this week?" And then give her a day and time based on her availability.
For example, "Let's meet Friday at 8pm near the fountain in Jones Park. I know a great bar nearby. Will be fun."
Where To Go
The goal of the date should be to have fun and get to know each other. As always, never think that you need to impress her or do things to attract her. Instead, have the attitude that you will get to know her to see if she meets your standards and have a fun time doing so. Therefore, it's best to pick date venues that facilitate your mission of having fun and getting to know each other.
Let's take the two most common date ideas: dinner and movies. Sure, you can get to know her on a fancy dinner date, however, it's just not all that fun. Going to the movies, on the other hand, might seem fun, but it's too difficult to talk and get to know each other. So, save dinner and movies for a later date, not your first date.
I recommend picking venues that have fun things to do, because that takes away some of the pressure of you facilitating the fun and talking the entire time. Like I said before, bar arcades are my favorite because you can play games, have a drink and get to know each other. Or just find a bar that has billiards, darts, giant Jenga or corn-hole. Other fun options are bowling, ice skating, gokarts and laser tag. You are never too old to have fun, and fun activities release feel-good chemicals in the brain, thus creating a deeper bond, while also releasing some of the conversation burden.
Even if you take her to a bar or lounge that doesn't have any games, you can still make things fun by playing bar games like Shag, Marry, Kill or the Questions Game.
Keeping Things Fun And Interesting
As we walk to the first venue or order our first drink, I usually start by asking her how her day or week was. Then I go into an interesting, less boring question like, "What was the highlight of your week?"
This doesn't have to be complicated. We can play some simple games to make things fun while getting to know each other.
The Question Game is a great way to keep the conversation going in a fun way by asking each other questions back and forth in the context of a game. The rules are that the questions have to be good (i.e. no boring questions), you can't ask the same question twice (i.e. no repeat questions) and she has to go first.
I play this game on almost all of my dates because the answers to the questions often lead to interesting stores and conversations. Then, anytime I can't think of something to say next, I can simple say, "Whose turn was it?" And then, boom, we are back in the game. Plus, the game almost always escalates to sexual questions, which of course, gets the two of you talking about intimate topics.
Touching
Just like at bars, break the physical barrier right away because there is nothing more awkward than touching a girl for the first time half way through the date. Always start your date by hugging her and/or kissing her on the cheek. Even if you met on a dating app, never start a date off with a handshake because it sets a formal tone, something you do not want.
Keep finding flirty reasons to touch each other throughout the date. This can include noticing her jewelry, fixing her dress, sitting next to each other so that your legs touch, holding her hand as you lead her across the street, adjusting her shot while playing billiards, tickling her, holding her hand while leading her to a different part of the bar, walking arm in arm down the street, thumb wrestling, body shots, dancing, etc.
Try not to sit across from her on the date because it's a lot easier to touch when you are side by side. If you are at a small table, then try to sit at the corner so that you can easily touch. I like to pick venues that have small couches so we have no choice but to sit very close. Venues with dancing can also be great because dancing can help you escalate physically.
Scope out and pick your venues in advance because your dates will go smoother if you have a plan and know where to go and what to do in each venue.
Moving To Different Venues
I already said this earlier but it's worth repeating because it is so important. You need to escalate by moving. A lot of guys take girls to just one or two venues on their dates and then wonder why the girl doesn't go home with him or even call him back. It's because she didn't feel any special connection because the entire date took place in only one or two spots.
A woman craves an experience, not just a conversation. Create that experience by doing a lot of different things. Each thing you do or place you visit is a new experience, a new memory, and a new emotion. Instead of doing a typical one venue coffee date; meet at Starbucks for a coffee, then walk through the park, then feed the ducks at the lake, then get ice cream, then go shopping for some ingredients together and go back to your place to cook dinner.
An example of a multi-venue nighttime date is meeting for one drink at a bar, then going to a mini-disco across the street to dance, then playing a game of billiards at a third bar that happens to be closer to your apartment, then grabbing a slice of pizza at the pizza joint next to your place, then inviting her to your condo to see the view of the city and look at your exotic fish tank.
These are just examples. Come up with your own based on the venues near you. And if you want to bring her back to your place then make sure the venues get closer and closer to your home. Being walking distance to good date spots can greatly improves the chances of her coming home with you.
Going For The Kiss
Remember, women love to feel desired and kissing her will really amp up the heat. Guys rarely lose the girl for attempting to make a move on her. On the contrary, they often lose the girl by waiting too long to make a move because she feels like you are too afraid to try.
If she wants to kiss you and you keep chickening out, then she will find someone else who isn't afraid to make a move. That's why, if you don't want to kiss on the first date, make sure she knows that you find her attractive, but you are choosing not to kiss her. Choosing not to do something is a lot sexier than being afraid to do something.
I usually recommend going for the kiss in the middle or towards the end of the date. If you wait until the very end of the date, if she turns away from your kiss then you don't get a second chance to kiss her again because the date is over. So, better to kiss her before the end of the date because if she moves her head or says, "not yet," then just keep your cool and try again later.
You don't need a clever line or kiss tactic to kiss her. Just lean in and kiss her. Make sure to do it at the appropriate time, not when she's talking about her aunt Sally's baby shower or how her ex-boyfriend used to cheat on her all the time. But on the same note, don't wait for the perfect moment because it may never come. You have to create it.
Towards the second half of the date take her to a venue with lower lighting and soft couches. Sit next to her on a couch with your legs touching. Start slowing down your rate of speaking and lower your tone. Begin glancing down at her lips every few seconds. A minute or two of this will almost always create the right mood for a kiss.
If you're still feeling hesitant, then lead into it with a question like, "Do you consider yourself a spontaneous person?" Assuming she says "yes," then say, "I shouldn't do this, but what the hell," lean in about 90% of the way and give a brief pause. As long as she doesn't back away then kiss her. Often the girl will close the 10% gap by kissing you.
If for some reason you can't muster up the courage to do that, then at least ask her this, "Would you like to kiss me?" This can work great during the Questions Game. If she says, "yes" then kiss her. If she says, "not right now," then change the subject and try to kiss her later. If she says, "no," say, "Well, I didn't say you could. It just seemed like you had something on your mind."
TAKING HER HOME
If you want to take her back to your place then I recommend planting the seed early in the date by mentioning going to your place to do something later. For example, I might show her some pictures of me when I was in a band and say, "I'll play you a song later on my guitar." Or, I might tell her about my dog and say, "You'll have to come meet him." She is unlikely to object because I'm not telling her that we are leaving right now. I'm just planting the seed for later.
And remember, having an innocent reason to go back to your place, such as, getting another drink, cooking her something, checking out the view, charging your phone, or playing her a song on your guitar is much better than the classic, "Let's go back to my place," with a lustful look in your eye. When you say it like that, it activates her logical mind and forces her to decide, right then and there, if she wants to have sex or not. And her logical mind may give her multiple excuses why going back with you is a bad idea.
She may want to be intimate with you, but society has conditioned her that a "good girl" doesn't sleep with a man on the first date. And she may be afraid that you will judge her if she sleeps with you quickly. First of all, never judge a woman for having sexual desires. It's normal and natural and if a man can sleep with a woman without judgement, then women should be able to sleep with a man free of judgement as well.
So to help eliminate her "anti-slut defense," give an innocent reason so she doesn't feel pressure to "go all the way." This allows her the freedom to come to your place guilt-free and she can decide later how far she wants to go.
To relieve the pressure even more, add a challenge and time constraint, such as, "Let's go watch a movie but you have to promise to behave yourself." Or, "My house is right here, let's grab a quick drink then we can go to another place I know nearby." Do you see how these take away the pressure of her deciding if she wants to hook up or not? She's much more likely to feel that going to your place is a safe decision if you make it no big deal.
If she still says 'no' then do not beg, just agree and set up a second date. Don't be pushy, or it will seem needy and break rapport. When you are grounded nothing should be a big deal and emotionally affect you. Always respect a woman's wishes and don't make her feel pressured or guilted into doing something she doesn't want to do.
A way to really make a woman want you badly, is to tell her that you want her to come home with you, but then telling her, "not tonight." For example, I might say, "We could go back to my place, but I have a no sex on the first date rule." Or, if we have a lot of sexual chemistry and tension I might even say, "I would love to take you home tonight and have fun with you all night long and do very naughty things to you, but I think I'm going to make you wait until next time." I guarantee she'll be fantasizing about you the moment she gets home. This also keeps you in control and shows her that you are a challenge who doesn't just sleep with any woman he meets.
Remember, your dates should be fun and you should be finding out if she's the type of girl you want to continue dating or not. There is no shame in ending a date early because the two of you are not compatible. Dating is all about finding a good match. If she's not a match, then be upfront and do her a favor by not dragging it out. Some women get attached easily so better to end the date early then to satisfy your ego with one more notch on your bedpost. Remember, you are the type of guy that women want to be with so exercise your privilege of being picky. A king is very selective about who he picks to be his queen.
Prepping Your Place
For the first intimate encounter, some women prefer to take a guy back to their place, since she's most comfortable there. But since you never know how the night is going to turn out, you should always have your home ready. Just a few minutes of advanced preparation before you head out will make sure she feels safe and comfortable when she steps inside.
So make sure the entire place is clean, especially the bathroom where she'll spend time alone. This also means have plenty of condoms, lube or other… lovemaking supplies near your bed. You should even plant some under your couch so you don't have to rush off to the bedroom just in case things get hot and heavy in the living room.
Don't forget new sheets on the bed, an unopened bottle of sparkling water on the nightstand, a couple of candles or colored lighting to set the mood and something fresh for breakfast. If you have a roommate, make sure you coordinate beforehand so you're not bringing your girl home to the middle of a party or a family gathering.
I even go so far as to set the mood before I leave my house for the date. I get the lighting and music ready so that I don't have to fumble in the dark or scroll through iTunes when we get back. Everything is set up and ready to go so I can focus on my date, rather than last second chores.
Playing Hard To Get
What if she comes all the way back to your place and then objects to having sex?
This should go without saying, if she doesn't want to do something, don't be forceful! If she pushes you away, don't push back. Say, "We don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with," and actually mean it. But also, don't just give up completely if she turns away playfully, because that's just her anti-slut defense kicking in to make you think she's not "too" easy.
Her saying, "we shouldn't do this," with a seductive grin is very different than, "No, we are NOT doing this!" The first one is a flirtatious suggestion, where the second is an affirmative decision. The irony is that pushing too hard will break rapport, but not going for it at all, when she really wants you to continue, can greatly disappoint her. Make sure to always respect her wishes and stop when she means it.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Women speak covertly and it's hard to know what she really means. While that is true, it doesn't mean women never speak overtly, directly saying what they mean. In fact, if she can see that you are just not getting the picture, then she will tell you exactly what she wants or doesn't want in that situation. A woman resorting to this direct form of communicating usually only happens when the indirect communication didn't work and the guy didn't get the hint.
When in doubt, always stick to playing it safe and not pushing things too far. Again, always respect her boundaries and never manipulate, beg or force someone to do anything they don't want to do.
HANDLING OBJECTIONS
What if she objects to other suggestions you make throughout the interaction or on the date?
Handling objections is pretty standard in the dating process. It's just in a man's nature to put on the gas and it's the woman's nature to step on the brakes. That's part of the dance of dating. Just remember that the harder you push on the gas the harder she will slam on the breaks. So maintain a balance of also putting on the breaks to stay in control. Remember, it's not a race to the finish line.
That being said, she still might give you a few "tension tests" to see how you will react. She's testing to see if you are really as confident and grounded as you seem. If you seem emotionally affected by the tension then it makes her feel unsafe. A man that lets his emotions control him is a dangerous man.
For example, if the guy seems butt-hurt that she won't give out her number, or complains, "What's wrong? I thought you liked me!?" after she pulls away from a kiss attempt, she will lose attraction for him. Remember, you are the prize.
Often times a woman will even object to something that she actually wants to do just because she doesn't want to seem too easy (anti-slut defense). The point is that there are several reasons that a woman will object to something or give a tension test.
Once I was teaching at an event with other dating coaches in Los Angeles and I remember one of the coaches selling, "How to Handle Her Tests," flashcards with responses to common female tests. On one side it would say things like, "I have a boyfriend," or "Is that your pickup line?" and on the other side would be a rebuttal like, "So do I," or "Yes that's my pickup line, did you like it?"
I found the cards absolutely ridiculous. Imagine sitting in your bedroom memorizing line after line for numerous scenarios. That's not being the prize. That "coach" didn't realize was that the words you say don't matter nearly as much as having a grounded response. Even if you say the line on the card word for word but sound emotionally affected, then even though you said the line right it wouldn't have the desired effect.
Emotional resilience is the only way to overcome an objection and pass a tension test. By remaining calm and unaffected, also known as being grounded, you can actually boost the attraction when a woman doesn't respond the way you expect.
One of the easiest ways to do this is by simply ignoring it. Here are a couple of common examples where ignoring the immediate objection can keep the conversation going.
Girl: "I'm not going to give you my number."
You: "By the way, you said you went to NC State, right?" (Change the subject then try again)
Girl turns away from kiss attempt
You: "Let's go over there and play billiards."
Obviously, if she's repeating her objection, then it's time to address the issue. There are a lot of ways to do this in an attractive manner, such as teasing her, misinterpreting her objection or cracking a joke, but one of the easiest ways is to just agree and overcome.
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
You: "I had a feeling you did. There would be something wrong with the world if you didn't. So I'll put you in my friend-zone and you can introduce me to your cute friends. How do we keep in touch?"
Girl: "I don't give out my number."
You: "Good idea. Let's do FaceBook."
Girl turns away from kiss attempt
You: "Playing hard to get, I like that. I'll get you later."
Girl: "No sex tonight." (said in a playful tone)
You: "Of course not, that would be just awful to make hot passionate love all night long. We can just cuddle. Are you any good at cuddling?"
Girl: "Buy me a drink"
You: "Sure but you have to do something for me first. How good are you at back rubs?"
Girl: "Is that your pick-up line?"
You: "Yeah, are you starting to fall for me?"
Another fun way to handle an objection or verbal jab is to agree and then blow it out of proportion. Most guys try to prove themselves to try to win her over, which comes off as approval seeking and unattractive. I recommend doing the exact opposite. I call this, Agree and Absurdify. Not sure if that's actually a word, but what the hell, I just made it one.
Young Girl: "How old are you?"
40yr Old Guy: "I'm 75 but I use a lot of moisturizer."
Young Girl: "What! No way!"
40yr Old Guy: "Yeah you are too young for me I would just corrupt you and ruin you for all other men. You should run away now."
Girl: "I'm not sleeping with you."
You: "Of course not, you can't take my virginity young lady. I'm saving it."
Girl: "I bet you say that to every girl"
You: "Of course! You are number 231 tonight."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
You: "Of course you do, I mean it's not like we're going to make out right here in public."
Make sure to say all of these in a playful tone as to not sound effected.
CHAPTER RECAP
• Use the "Compliment, Qualify, Close Method" (C.Q.C. Method) when meeting girls during the daytime.
• Be more casual and less direct at social events. Show your interest through your nonverbal communication.
• Focus on fun, escalation and building rapport when meeting girls at bars and clubs, as well as, when you are on dates.
EXERCISES
• Do three daytime approaches with girls you are attracted to. Try to get to the end of the interaction and go for a phone number or instant date. If she says 'no,' it still counts as a successful interaction.
• Do three nighttime approaches with girls you are attracted to. In each approach, do at least one fun thing, such as a game, tease or role-play, and move her, or her entire group, at least once. Remember to ask her for her contact information.
• Attend one meetup group or social event, such as Toastmasters, salsa class, improv comedy or a singles group in your city. Introduce yourself to at least three new people at the event.
CHAPTER 11:
Building On What You've Learned
"I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat."
- Sylvester Stallone
YOUR PATH TO SUCCESS
You are a badass for making it this far. Most guys are looking for a quick fix to their dating game and don't have the patience to read this whole book. I know this was a lot of information, and maybe you're doubting if you can remember it all when the time comes to put words into action and meet real women.
Don't stress it. You'll do better than you ever have, but it does take practice. The only way to become good with women is by overcoming your fears and insecurities and developing your intuition, and that intuition must be acquired through practice. With the principles you've learned here though, you've cut down the learning curve drastically and won't waste time practicing with canned lines or cheap tricks. A few lines or routines do not create your personality. The best lines in the world won't matter if they don't match who you are.
Remember though, practice is not just about getting real world feedback on your social skills. It's about becoming comfortable in your own skin. It's about gaining real, lasting confidence, not temporary confidence because a line or routine "worked." It's about being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. It's about developing your wit and your personality. These are skillsets that go beyond dating and will improve every aspect of your professional and personal life.
I'm sure you know that already, but so many men I work with are trapped in the information overload loop. A lot of guys feel like they are progressing just from gaining knowledge, so they keep reading book after book and watch video after video about how to talk to girls, but then rarely go out to practice.
That'd like watching tons of fitness videos, but never going to the gym. What's the point?
Even when these guys eventually motivate themselves to go workout, they're often confused because of all the different "gurus," each with their own styles. One fitness guru tells you to do slow reps, another says supersets are the best, while a third is all about combining cardio and lifting. Who do you listen to?
So, instead of absorbing all you can from every source possible, I recommend that you learn a little and then immediately put that into practice. Make a commitment to spend one hour practicing for every hour you spend reading, listening to podcasts or watching videos. Which means if you read this entire book straight through, I'm super proud of you… but you've got some serious practicing to do!
Your New Gym Is The Mall
You need to treat meeting women just like a gym membership. The more you put in, the more you will get out. And unlike working out, which can cause injury when overdone, there's really no downside to putting in more time and effort. So don't pace yourself. Go out and practice meeting women on the street, the mall, social events and bars whenever you have time.
Wherever you go to "put in your reps," make a rule for yourself to approach any pretty girl that you see. I'm not saying you have to actively attempt to get everyone's phone number. Just say "hi" and give a compliment, even if you're in a rush. Tackle that tension head on so you're cool and calm when it really counts. Besides, life's too short not to stop and savor the beauty all around you. Make this a new habit today and you'll see your life changing right before your eyes.
Unlike exercise where you have to keep doing it to maintain your physique, meeting women should eventually become a part of your life. You'll get to the point where you don't need to go to the mall, or whatever venue you prefer, to meet women anymore because you'll be getting more dates than you can handle. I want you to become a man who just meets women throughout his daily life whenever and wherever they show up.
Reject The Fear Of Rejection
The number one thing that stops guys from practicing is the fear of rejection. Fear of rejections stems from seeking approval from others and the worry that you won't receive it.
Instead of seeking approval from women, think of approaching and talking to women as a skill just like any other. So don't worry about failing in the beginning because failure is inevitable. Just like if you were to learn how to play guitar or speak Tagalog, it would sound pretty bad in the beginning because you would make mistakes. As they say, the road to success is paved with failures. So give yourself permission to fail and get rejected. It will happen. So what?
Remember, she isn't rejecting you as a person, because she doesn't know you. She only knows a very brief snapshot of what you presented her. All she knows is what you look like, what you said and how you said it. So maybe she's rejecting the words you said, your appearance or your body language, but that's just feedback. You need feedback to keep progressing and improving your skill.
Besides gaining feedback and building confidence, the whole point of approaching women is to see if they meet your standards. With this qualification mindset there really is no such thing as rejection. She either meets your standards or she doesn't. If she isn't interested in you then she doesn't meet your standards because your standards ought to be someone who is interested in you. Get it? Be grateful knowing that she didn't waste your time and that you gained experience and confidence for the next woman you speak to.
By standards, I don't just mean her personality, but also temporary factors. Life's too short and full of too many incredible women to not have high standards. If she's in a relationship, then she doesn't meet your standards because you want a girl that is single. If she's busy, then she doesn't meet your standards in that moment because you are looking for someone who has time to chat right now. If she had a bad day, then she also doesn't meet your standards at that time because you're out to find someone in a positive mood.
So instead of making rejection all about you not being good enough, learn from the interaction and move on. Remember: whatever her reason for shooting you down, that only means she either does not meet your standards or there was some other event going on beyond your control. So learn what you can from the interaction and never take anything personally.
I was once teaching a boot camp on Hollywood Boulevard when I spotted the perfect candidate for one of my students. She was an attractive young redhead with a nice body and freckles. She even had this Star Wars phone cover, so my sci-fi loving student already had some common ground. Her body language seemed a bit timid, so it seemed like a compliment was just what she needed to hear. Plus the timing looked great since she was standing alone and had just hung up her phone.
So I nudged my client to approach and off he went.
That's when she turned around with a face full of pure dread and I wished the mic was a walkie talkie. Like a grounded pro though, my student kept going and said "hi." I didn't even need the microphone to hear her shrieking from down the block. As soon as he opened his mouth, she stuck up her hand. "I'm so not into this right now. I just got off the phone with the cops. Some guy just grabbed me and groped me all over!"
My client politely excused himself and came back to where I was standing. He seemed frazzled and wanted to call it a day. I just shook my head. "Why, when we're on a roll?"
He blinked at me like I was crazy until I explained he just learned the most valuable lesson about rejection: that her reaction had nothing to do with him. After the terrible experience she'd just been through, there was nothing he could have said or done to change her reaction, which is the case the vast majority of the time when a woman reacts negatively to your approach. So is that really rejection?
So remember, there's a high probability that a woman giving you an unwelcome reaction has nothing to do with you. She may not be available to be approached at that very moment. Maybe she's in a relationship, maybe she's busy, or maybe she just had a bad day. That's life; it has nothing to do with you so don't dwell on it or take it personally.
Stop Making Excuses And Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
After the fear of rejection, the next most common obstacle to changing our lives are the excuses we tell ourselves. Maybe you're not afraid or nervous any longer, but the mind is obsessed with security and piles on all sorts of excuses to keep you in your comfort zone.
Yes, there will be times when you want to meet someone, but you feel tired, don't know what to say or think the situation is too awkward. Maybe the music is too loud. Or you can't tell if that guy hovering around her is a boyfriend or just a creepy stranger. Perhaps you're unsure if that scowl on her face is her natural resting pose or if she's genuinely pissed off about something. Wait, did you zip up your pants after using the restroom? Feels a little drafty. She's looking right at you, so it's too late to reach down without drawing attention...
But these are all petty excuses that a grounded man can brush aside. This is about more than just meeting women; you're conquering fear and taking control over your life. Every time you approach a woman in such an awkward situation, you are building courage and saying "fuck you" to fear. Every time you approach you are conditioning yourself to take action. Every time you approach you are building momentum that will propel you forward to a life of success.
You must have the mindset that every approach is a victory, because you made a choice to do it. Even a rejection is a success. No matter how bad you think an interaction with a stranger went, there is always something positive gained.
It's kind of like going to a casino and playing a slot machine that doesn't cost any money. You'll never lose anything but you always have something to gain.
One of my favorite quotes from Michael Jordan is, "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
You cannot succeed without some unwanted interactions. It's all part of the process. The guys who have the most success with women are the ones that have gotten "rejected" the most. And trust me, I've been rejected a lot.
If you're still hesitating, then start with small steps to peek your head out of your comfort zone. If you keep making baby steps, before you know it you'll be so excited exploring this new world of unbounded confidence that you'll never limit yourself again.
For example, if you are comfortable asking a woman for directions but have extreme anxiety about flirting, then keep asking where the post office or nearest adult toy store is a few times to warm up. Then on your third or fourth approach, after you ask for directions take it a bit further and add, "Actually, I'm not even looking for that...I just saw you and wanted to come tell you that you are really cute. Have an awesome day." Even if your nerves give out and you immediately walk away, the next time will be so much easier.
Do this as often as necessary until you feel comfortable delivering a compliment and not running. Then take it further and introduce yourself. Keep trying with different women until you can say it with calm confidence. Then, 10 or 20 approaches later, take it further and ask a qualifying question. Keep repeating this incremental process until you get through the entire interaction without even thinking about it. Soon you will start getting phone numbers and dates.
This is exactly what we teach in our live workshops and The Attractive Man mentoring programs. We don't dump the whole process on you and wish you luck. You learn a little then put it into practice. Then after feedback, you study and role play a little more before putting the new lessons into practice. It's a simplified process of breaking things down step by step and mastering one component before moving on to the next.
The idea is to break things down into small steps that generate some victory over fear. Even if the smallest step you make is just walking towards her and that's it, at least you are starting somewhere. The point is, you have to get off your ass and start.
SHORTCUTS TO BUILDING CONFIDENCE AND CONQUERING SOCIAL FEAR
Just like pumping iron to build your muscles, there's no substitute for building confidence around women like going out and talking to them. I recommend "working out" at malls, busy shopping centers, the beach, college campuses, bars and clubs and anywhere where you can find beautiful women in your town. in the daytime in regular places, with a set schedule. Just like a gym membership. Just like a gym membership, you need to know when and where you will practice. I want you to create a specific schedule and stick to it.
Your goal, in the beginning, is just to say hello and meet new people. If she responds positively, great. If not, smile and move on.
I also want you to join one meet-up group, class or organization that you can attend each week. Try out a new hobby or at least a group activity for something you're already into. Hop on meetup.com and see what kind of groups and events are in your area. This has the added bonus of meeting women with similar interests.
Of all the activities you could try, there are four in particular that will have a huge impact on not just your confidence, but your general skill and attractiveness with women:
Dance Class
Yes, the ability to swing your partner around the dance floor with style and confidence is a huge turn on for women, but that's just the beginning. Since you'll get the chance to lead women in an intimate but non-romantic situation, you'll grow much more comfortable getting close to a stranger and feel more at ease when touching them. Plus, dance classes usually have far more women than men in them, so you can usually meet several women each session.
Public Speaking Class
Since talking to women is a form of public speaking, with an audience of one, you will learn many communication skills that will help you when talking to women at a Toastmasters or public speaking meetup. This might seem like overkill, but this is a great way to practice both your verbal and non-verbal skills, while getting detailed feedback.
Acting Class
If being expressive and conveying emotion is a struggle, then try an acting class. This is a great way to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. I spent three months taking acting courses in Los Angeles. And while Hollywood has yet to appreciate my talents, the course was invaluable in expanding my emotional boundaries and tapping into feels quickly.
I also got to role-play and perform with some talented actresses whom I became friends with. Life's full of fun and unexpected opportunities, once you put yourself out there.
Improv Class
Finally, an improvisational comedy class is incredibly useful for honing your creativity, wit and thinking fast on your feet. Not only is it a lot of fun and you'll meet other fun people, but you'll also learn how to become more grounded in the present moment.
If you've ever drawn a blank on what to say when you're on the spot, then improv is the solution. If you only have time to attend one of my four recommended courses, then improv would yield the best bang for your buck. This is one place where you can study public speaking, plump your emotional depths, build confidence and practice staying grounded no matter what's thrown your way.
PAYING THE PRICE FOR SUCCESS
Take a second right now and ask yourself, "What price am I willing to pay to get the results I want?" I don't mean just money, but how much time, sacrifice, sweat, and pain are you willing to invest in seeing your dreams come true?
There's a price you pay for being rich. There's a price to pay to have your own business that runs on autopilot. And there's a price you pay for being amazing with women. People often want the result but aren't willing to give it 100%. They want the confidence but aren't willing to do the work. They want the amazing girlfriend but aren't willing to face the rejections.
When I played in a band I made a lot of sacrifices that most folks would consider unnecessary. I had to constantly practice, both on my own and with my bandmates. Naturally, I missed out on a lot of fun and fulfilling experiences. Instead of starting a solid career out of college, I took a flexible job that allowed me to take off all the time I needed to practice. I even once missed out on a family trip to Germany because of band practice. But I kept my eye on the prize and the rewards I gained outweighed the pain.
But that was only the beginning. When I dreamed bigger and decided to become a world-renowned dating coach, the same principle of sacrifice served me well. Despite what you might think, mastering this new world wasn't all fun and games. Like any other job, I had to put in a ton of hard hours, go out when I didn't feel like it, and intentionally kept putting myself in ever more awkward situations way outside of my comfort zone. And guess what? I still do, but now I love the struggle because it made me who I am today.
Trust me when I say this, the pain and struggle you will face while perfecting the skill of meeting women is nothing compared to the rewards you'll reap when you have this skill. And it's a skillset that will bleed over into every other aspect of your life as you grow more confident, charismatic, likeable and more comfortable in your own skin.
FINAL WORDS
If you'd like to speed up the process and minimize the pain and effort, then make sure to visit www.TheAttractiveMan.com. We offer a variety of coaching options, including live 1-on-1 training and group training courses all over the world. Go there to schedule a call and we'll help you put together an action plan to achieve your dating goals in record time.
No matter what you do, just get the help and training you need because confidence and groundedness are crucial skills that will ensure your life is firing on all cylinders. I can't even count how many former students called me up to brag about how their careers have taken off after attending one of our live trainings.
Our culture makes it really hard to understand masculine and feminine dynamics, so I hope this book has helped shed some light on the subject. I know with some practice and dedication you will find the woman of your dreams. When you adopt the principles in this book, your skill with women will increase in leaps and bounds beyond what you even thought was possible. It's only a matter of practice until you see the results you want.
As you continue your journey of dating success and personal development, remember to strive for mutually beneficial relationships and interactions that benefit the women you are with, just as much as you. Always leave her better than you found her.
Never try to take or get anything from women. Never objectify women. Respect her wishes and remember to stop when she wants you to stop. Never try to manipulate, trick or guilt a woman into doing something. If you try to give women wonderful experiences and memories, then you will receive the same in return.
Moving forward, always remember these key points:
● Men communicate overtly. Women communicate covertly.
● A woman's number one concern in life is the safety of her and her children.
● It's okay to feel emotions, but don't respond from a place of emotion.
● What you say isn't as important as how you say it.
● A woman can feel your intention.
● Live life in the present moment. Be grounded and fully in control of your actions.
● The most powerful aphrodisiac for a woman is to feel desired by a confident man.
● You are the prize and a woman would be lucky to have a man like you in her life.
● Ask emotionally charged questions by asking about her motivation and how it makes her feel.
● Don't ask too many questions in a row. Add in a small comment to give an insight into your experiences.
● Talk about what you want, without being mean or offensive.
● Be 70% interested, and 30% interesting.
● Fun is a powerful social lubricant allowing you to escalate quickly.
● A woman needs more than just a conversation. She needs an experience.
You've come a long way in your journey of understanding the Secret Language of Attraction. Your journey, however, is just beginning. Always keep working to improve yourself because you deserve all that life has to offer you. Your dream girl is out there, you just need to go find her.
I hope you enjoyed reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. It is extremely gratifying when someone spends their time reading one of my books or watching one of my online programs.
I recommend reading this book several times to completely internalize the concepts. That being said, knowledge without application is useless. The next step is to practice. You must put the concepts into practice and when you do, I know you will get great results.
I recommend having a wingman with you who can give you feedback on your approaches. Just like learning any new skill on your own, it's easy to form bad habits and be unaware of your own mistakes. Having an outside perspective will help you progress better and faster.
If you'd like us to help you and be your wingman, we are glad to do so. We offer several options to speed up the process, give you an extra push, and get you the best results in the quickest time possible:
Private and Group Coaching: Live 3-day, 7-day and full immersion training worldwide, as well as private coaching in your city. Apply for training at www.TheAttractiveMan.com
YouTube: Subscribe and watch my dating tips and infield approach videos uploaded weekly at www.YouTube.com/TheAttractiveMan
Instagram: Follow me on Instagram @MattArtisan
Writing this book was a consuming passion of mine and the result of ten years of "research." Your feedback would mean a lot to me and I would be grateful if you would review it on Amazon or anywhere else online.
Please share this book with your best guy friends, your wingmen, your brother, your friend's recently divorced dad or on men's forums. If you enjoyed the book and got something out of it, then I'm sure others will too. I'm on a mission to help one million men become more confident, improve their dating lives, overcome their fears and insecurities, and understand the secret language of attraction. If you want to share this book and help me on my mission, that would be amazing!
In closing, always remember to face your fears, love and respect women, live with passion and be grateful for all that you have.
To your success with dating and all areas of life.
Matt Artisan, Owner & CEO of The Attractive Man LLC
Follow me on Instagram @MattArtisan and feel free to write me and ask me any questions you have about women and dating.
P.S. If you ever see me at the club or on the street please say "hi" and wing with me :)
BONUS:
Language of Attraction Cheat Sheet
This section is a conversation cheat sheet meant to be your go to guide to:
● Know what to say and do it certain situations…
● Keep the conversation going…
● Increase her attraction for you …
● Escalate things to the next level… ● Turn the conversation intimate.
To get maximum results make sure to remember the following rules when you are using the cheat sheet:
Change It Up
If you keep doing the same thing over and over again it will lose effect. For example, if you tease her three times in a row she might think you are being mean. If you are constantly playing games and doing role plays, then she may view you as a clown and won't not feel attraction towards you. So make sure to mix things up.
Confident Body Language
Body language is either going to make or break your conversations. Make sure to stand tall with open, relaxed, confident body language. If you are slouching or have closed-off body language, then what you say is unlikely to work.
Calm Voice
Make sure to speak slowly, articulating what you are saying with long pauses and a deep tonality. Speaking fast will make you appear nervous, while pausing makes you appear more confident, draws her in and makes her more interested.
Deep Eye Contact
If you constantly look down, you will appear scared and a woman cannot be attracted to a man who is afraid of her. Keep at least 80 - 90% eye contact throughout the interaction. It's okay to look away sometimes as to not appear overly interested or invested. However, I recommend 100% eye contact during a direct opener.
Stay Grounded
These techniques will not have a powerful effect if you are nervous and overanalyzing what to say. Instead, you must be calm and grounded. Some refer to this as being in a mindful or present state where you are not thinking about the past or future, but fully in tune with the present moment. Mindful practitioners suggest taking deep breaths, focusing your awareness on your body and paying full attention to your environment to get into the present state. Meditation can also help you become more grounded in your everyday life; as well as exercise, sports and anything that involves physical activity.
Escalate Physically, Logistically and Sexually
The words you say have a lot less influence on her attraction towards you verses what you do. A woman needs an experience to feel attracted, not just a conversation. To create a romantic and sensually charged experience make sure to escalate physically (touching), logistically (moving from place to place), and sexually (putting her into a sexual mood). More information on this later.
It's usually best to go direct, stating your interest right away, during the day because women are in a hurry and don't have time for long-winded conversation starters. Women generally don't get as many compliments during the daytime compared to night, so they will greatly appreciate a sincere compliment from a confident and grounded man because it shows that you believe she should like you (confidence) and that you don't need to beat around the bush or hide your intentions (masculine).
Top 5 Daytime Openers
1. "Hey really quick, this is totally random, but I just saw you over here and I thought you were absolutely stunning. I had to come over and risk embarrassment and at least say hi."
Say this slowly with a deep low tonality. Replace the world "stunning" with a compliment of your choice.