III: Secrets Abound

My ungraceful actions do not escape Qing Yuan’s notice.

He slowly hides his own face behind silk as he leans towards me. Ocean eyes offer gentle sympathy. “Do not pay any mind nor worry about your brother. I have the faith that you will soon be sharing such memories and experiences as these with someone who truly loves you for who you are,” Qing Yuan’s voice lowers, “But for now we must play along with the others, so no one will suspect a thing. I, too, envy my brother and yours.”

My friend straightens his posture and folds his fan before forcing a smile.

Deep down, I know his words ring true. I refuse to let them trickle into my heart. I do not wish to face a reality in which I envy nearly everyone because of the love they have, treasure, and share. I dare not speak as subjects change.

Everyone fawns over the Emperor’s unborn child. Then the tables turn to the Fire Immortal’s.

Two who are not yet part of this wretched world have already won acceptance.

How can they do that?

There are immortals who have lived thousands of years without such recognition or praise.

I wasn’t even spoken of like this before I was born.

It may have been because my existence was unknown. But that is only an excuse.

The truth lies in a mirage of that time.

I regret not fully giving myself away then.

My father and mother could feel the very essence of our powers the moment we were conceived.

Hao’s force was much weaker than mine. He was so pathetic that our parents thought we were dying.

Unknowingly, I entered the picture a few months later. My rapid growth led me to feed on what little power my brother held. I soon stole nearly everything.

Uncle Huan had suspicions of this and urged my father to give his child some of his power. He still didn’t urge for Hao to have more power than I. Huan has always seen himself in me and in that moment he wanted to save me unlike his parents who favored my father.

The cycle repeats itself every generation and that means I will have to save my nephew or niece.

Right now I only wish I could cover my ears or, better yet, run out of the room and return to my palace. I just want it all to end. I simply turn away and hide my face behind silk as it is all I can do to preserve my image; shutting myself off from everyone.

It doesn’t require a glance to be aware of my brother’s melancholy gaze upon me.

I refuse to accept his pity or anyone else’s. I have chosen to trap myself here and I do not desire for someone to drag me out for I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

“Brother,” Hao’s voice begins to thaw my mental shield, “I apologize if I have offended you in any way. I shouldn’t have said anything. Please forgive me.” His begging fully melts my emotional and physical control.

I whip my brother with the fiercest gaze I can muster, fold my fan, and loudly sneer. “Oh, don’t mind me. I am merely the brother you have always secretly disliked—your only sibling. I know deep in my soul how you feel about me. I am nothing more than a tool for you; I am the reason you are able to experience such happiness. I only ask that you do not flaunt in the presence of those who fear they will never have it in their lifetimes. Now,” I stand sharply, “if you will excuse me.” It’s considered rude to leave in the middle of a council meeting, but I can’t tolerate this anymore. I leave the room without another word.

Audible gasps fill the void of silence. The council attendees begin complaining about my supposedly uncouth behavior.

I could care less what they think. My beauty surpasses all things, but my personality is another tale. I have never truly cared about how others see me beyond my reputation as a god and I will always be truthful in my feelings, regardless of who is present. I strut outside of the palace before rushing down the marble steps. I ignore the many footsteps following me as I make a beeline for my carriage and Jingyi.

“Xiao Meng! Please! I’m sorry!” comes Hao’s annoying voice as he gets closer to me. His posture is no longer formal, neither is his attitude; which goes to show how desperate he is.

I don’t even bother to turn around when I raise a single hand. “I don’t want to hear it! I have had enough of your false respect for me and my life. I will send the Flower Immortal a message regarding my answer to her marriage proposal. Consider this my last gift to the court. I’m not doing anything else for you. I want you to just leave me alone for once! Stop pulling my tails; you’re not a child anymore!” I’m beyond angry—I don’t mind that my tails and ears are visible. I honestly care nothing for it. I march straight to my carriage, throw open the door, and quickly slide inside.

Jingyi joins me before closing off the space. He sits across from me with a stunned look. My attendant has seen bad behavior from me, but never this bad. Jingyi shakes his head to hastily recover and signals for the foxes to go through the use of simple magic. “My Lord, what matters are so urgent that you must leave now? Or are you just looking for an excuse?”

Sometimes, I wish he did not know me as well as he does. I summon a red and gold pipe in my right hand. I gently place the end to my lips. I leisurely watch as smoke lazily curls from it. “Never mind urgency. The message will be sent as promised. Today, I must handle many simple files and requests. So many have piled up on my desk as of late. I need to see to them as soon as possible,” I blow a small smoke ring, “If my brother tries to interrupt me, stop him at all costs and refuse to let him in upon my orders.” I look to the window, slightly lifting the curtain. I gaze out as the clouds and blue sky blow past us. I shake my head as I lower the curtain once again. I continue creating smoke rings as I use my pipe. I haven’t needed its comfort for a long time. I study the red pipe with its gold mouthpiece. I rarely smoke it and usually keep it as a sort of decoration or accessory, but today I just need to relax myself a bit. I close my eyes, inhale and exhale; repeating the process for a little while. I open my eyes just as my carriage jerks to an abrupt stop. I lock my eyes with Jingyi. “What’s going on? Why have we stopped?” I force myself to contain my displeasure.

My most trusted fox pokes his head out of the window with a gasp. “Lord Xiao Meng, it seems that the Heavenly Emperor wishes to speak with you! His carriage is behind us and some of his men have blocked our path. We’re trapped!” Jingyi turns back to me sternly. “What shall we do?”

I blow a smoke ring before turning it into a cherry blossom and sending it out the carriage window. “We shall face him whilst awaiting reinforcements. We aren’t far from Fox Haven and I refuse to tolerate any more of Hao’s lies.” I’m about to climb out when an idea comes to mind. “Come with me so that he will be utterly fooled. Nothing will work if you are not accompanying me.”

Jingyi nods and opens the carriage door casually. He steps down onto the ground with a smile. “Greetings, Your Majesty,” he says as he bows respectfully to my brother. He proceeds to stand by the door, awaiting my presence with a hand held out.

I finally fold my fan, offering that hand to Jingyi as I step out with the pipe in the other. I turn to face the Emperor and bow my head with flair to acknowledge his presence. “Dear brother, there was never a need for you to chase down a frivolous fox. Is there something truly that important I missed at council?”

Hao looks at me with bitter sorrow in his eyes. I have come to apologize to you, Xiao Meng. I am fully aware of my actions. I know I shouldn’t have said anything while you were in your current condition. I’ve still kept my word—the one I swore to you all those years ago. I never told nor will tell a single soul—not even my own wife—about what happened with Lingruo. I know how sensitive you are when it comes to it. I also know of you granting Sisi use of a curse based upon what happened and will take place as a way not to be alone in your condition. Please, put all of these things behind you,” he begs, “Embrace the future. I’m sure Ai will not hold any ill will towards you because of it. You did all you could to save your beloved children—”

“Kits,” I correct Hao arrogantly.

My brother hastily nods. “Yes, yes. Your kits. You did what you had to do in order to save them, and I wish for you to finally find pride in knowing you did the right thing rather than letting them or their mother die.”

I nonchalantly bring the mouthpiece of the pipe to my lips. I inhale and then blow a smoke circle. I don’t understand what all the fuss is about.

Hao’s face flushes with concern. “Are you sure it’s safe to do that? I don’t think you should. I shall send for a physician once we officially enter your territory. We are quite close.”

I want to throw his words back in his face, but only shake my head. “That won’t be necessary as I am perfectly fine. Besides, you know I only smoke when I’m agitated. There is no need to suddenly call for assistance when I have no need for aid; however, I will allow you to inspect me for yourself if you would like to.” I keep the fan folded and lower the pipe as I wait for my brother to do the one thing he has always wanted to do since the incident scarred my fragile heart.

Hao has always been a man stuck to the idea of “seeing is believing.” He approaches me cautiously and carefully. Dark eyes scrutinize every inch of my body. He takes another moment before looking up at me. Far more concern is sketched into his lying eyes than before. “Your skin is pale, dear brother. Are you sure you do not require aid?”

I have a feeling I know what he’s alluding to, but I force a smile and giggle. “Whatever do you mean? I have always had fair skin.”

“Xiao Meng, please tell me the truth! I have memorized your features since we were children. Your skin has paled since the last time I saw you and you seem thinner than usual.”

“Like I believe that,” I state with a smile, “You have no knowledge of anything concerning me.”

Hao’s proud shoulders finally slump. “All I ask is that you tell me the truth of what’s going on,” he begs. My brother steps closer, until we’re merely inches away from each other. Hao attempts to use his eyes to plead with me.

He has always been this way. Hao always desired to know everything about me and my life.

“Please,” he croaks.

I do not wish for him to know anything. I freeze him with stern eyes. “Brother, I owe you nothing of the sort,” my smile morphs to a straight line, “I promise that everything is alright; and if it is not, I swear that I will be taken care of. Trust in me. I know very well what I am doing. I did as good as giving you my word when I agreed to accept the engagement with Ai—but don’t forget that I’m only doing this because you worry about me too much and I want you to leave me alone. You no longer have to worry about nor annoy me.”

Hao returns to being the arrogant dunce he has been for most of his life. “But I—”

“Just take care of your own family and allow me to care for mine. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you.”

“Brother, you misunder—”

“Do not follow me anymore today. And if you visit me this evening, I’ll not speak a single word to you. You have tortured me for the last time,” I snap. I hold my head high as I leave Hao alone. I slip inside my carriage followed by Jingyi.

My attendant bows his head saying, “My Lord, the reinforcements have arrived and will accompany us the rest of the way. I also made sure to inform them not to give the Heavenly Emperor any chance to follow your carriage regardless of any threats. Do you require anything else?”

I think for a long moment. I have hidden and buried everything from everyone for hundreds of years. Perhaps I ought to consider telling someone, but who? Who can I trust with such a secret?

Jingyi knows what he needs to do, but isn’t aware of why he must. He has never questioned me and I won’t ever give him reason to.

Hao refuses to leave me alone and I won’t submit to his inquiries. He already knows too much.

I need to find someone who I can trust and confide in without feeling pressured. I just want comfort in telling them all I need to get off my chest. I shall not bare my soul carelessly. My mind travels back to who was present at the council this morning.

Qing Yuan is my closest friend—a true brother—who I confide everything in. He knows and understands all of my secrets that I’ve hidden from even Jingyi. The Water Immortal is an extremely safe person to confide in, but I do not wish to burden him further with details of something he’s already aware of. Qing Yuan’s knowledge of me is plentiful enough.

Chao Xing has always had feelings for me, despite my beyond dislike of her. She thinks her act fools everyone. The Morning Immortal would end up making false excuses about taking care of me to shirk her duties.

I shudder at the mere thought of being trapped in a room with her. I’d rather avoid telling her anything private. I think some more, arriving at the best solution.

A gentle soul who would never desire to pressure me into anything. He is perfect for someone to confide in.

I nod with my final decision. “Jingyi, as soon as we arrive, send word to Lord Li Jie and invite him to speak with me. I have something important to discuss privately between us. I also ask that you send a summons for the flower fairy, Ai—and her alone. I will meet her tomorrow in regards to the marriage proposal from her mother. My meeting with Li Jie must come first. Do you understand?” I suddenly feel a sharp pain.

It begins in my stomach then branches out across my entire body.

Jingyi catches me before I fall on the carriage floor. He carefully sits me upright.”I understand completely. But please be mindful of your habits.”

I barely manage a nod.

Jingyi quickly pulls out a pouch of medicine from his robes and unties a bamboo canteen from his waist.

The little sneak. He hid it from even me.

My attendant hastily pours some of the pouch’s powder into the water. “You might not be in a condition to save them; in such a case, I beg for you to please consider allowing Ai to assist you and maybe even carry the burden herself.”

I gulp down the entire canteen and shake my head. I know the truth hidden in his words; I just can’t accept them. Does he know the truth already? I cannot let many people know the truth about me, the powers, or the strange abilities I have. I refuse to expose myself in that way.

Every immortal has something to hide. We all fear the consequences of the whole world knowing something that could possibly ruin our reputations.

Mortals are the same way with their secrets.

No one is ever telling the full truth.

“My Lord, we have arrived at the palace,” Jingyi’s voice disrupts my train of thought.

“Keep hold of these for me,” I say as I hand him my fan and pipe. I open the carriage door, keeping an eye out for any signs of imperial guards. I hold up the hems of my robes to keep them from getting dirty during my walk to the palace steps. I stride over to the door after gliding up the marble stairs.

Jingyi follows behind me silently, only speaking to a messenger.

Rows of female servants flank the foyer. Each girl has her head bowed respectfully. “Greetings, Marriage Immortal,” they say in unison.

I walk by them without acknowledging anyone. I go straight to my chambers and begin changing into a thin evening robe. Is it really this hot? It has to be me. I lazily remove the hair ornaments as I slip my feet out of my shoes. I go over to my bed and sit quietly.

The worst of the pain has left, but a faint bit still lingers.

I start wondering if I’ll be able to properly carry out my plan for saving my kits. I’ve spent years just getting to this point. I sniffle and wipe at the few stray tears on my cheeks. I wave Jingyi over.

The loyal fox kneels by my side. “How may I assist you, My Lord?”

“Have you sent word to Li Jie? I might require his company this evening,” I reply while placing a hand upon my temples.

“I have notified him of the urgency and Lord Li Jie has confirmed that he shall arrive this evening regardless of any response you send,” a frown etches Jingyi’s handsome face, “He seemed very worried and concerned. Is there something I am not aware of? Did something happen the other day?”

As much as I hate myself for it, I shake my head with a smile. “Worry not. It’s a matter that only Li Jie can assist me with. Just keep everyone else away from my private chambers upon his arrival and during his visit. We’ll be discussing personal matters that need not be heard. Understand?” I wait to dismiss Jingyi until after he nods sternly.

My heart weeps.

I wish I had the strength to tell him everything because of his undying loyalty, but I’m afraid of betrayal. I know I can trust him if only I didn’t still get eaten up by my fears. I can’t let them rule me anymore.

And Li Jie is the first person I shall ask to help me through all of my troubles.