VI: The Sweetest Lotus Part 2

Ai takes small peeks of me as we continue dining and I do much the same. We seem compatible enough to survive a marriage together. We remain silent on our walk to your quarters under mutual agreement.

Wind whistles past our heads as it ruffles the many windchimes and unlit lanterns. The palace’s inner courtyard remains open to the largest garden in Fox Haven. The garden itself consists of many varieties surrounding those most dear to me. The lotus pond in the center circles a gazebo cloaked in bellflowers.

Ai’s silence lingers as we pass, only ending once we stand outside the doors to her provided chambers. Lilac eyes wander from me, to the garden, and back to me before lowering to where my kits reside. “Will I have the right to touch you without permission when we marry?”

I blink a few times before her words register. She desires to touch me that much? My eyes find themselves staring at the garden before us as I grasp for any excuse or reason I can for telling my betrothed ‘no.’ “Do you see these flowers?”

“Yes, My Lord,” she tilts her head, “But I misunderstand your meaning.”

"The lotus pond guards the bellflowers, yet they do not touch. However, perhaps one day a lotus will rise from its bed of mud and offer its petals to a bellflower. But the bellflower rarely opens its petals. The lotus may not be able to reach its heart.”

The flower imagery seems to help Ai understand my answer as she speaks the language of nature.

Ai tries to hide her feelings about the distance between us with a trembling smile. The fairy has most certainly grown up imagining the perfect wedding and marriage, filling her head with fantasies people of our status cannot afford.

I may be the god who selects the romantic fates of others, but it seems I’ve no power over Ai’s. Nerves start a faster heartbeat at the very thought. I cannot control my own fate in love, and instead everyone else’s. But Ai remains out of reach… No. Don’t think of that. I doubt this is what she expected of her future husband. “Please forgive me for my behavior if it displeases you.” I bow my head in formal apology.

Her hands quickly grasp my shoulders to effortlessly fix my stance. “There is no need or cause for such formalities between us if we are to be wed. We shouldn’t treat each other in that manner.” Ai jerks her hands away upon the realizations she touched me and looks away. She takes a moment to muster a smile before facing me and saying, “Thank you, Xiao Meng. I shall see you in the morning. I also pray that your dreams are pleasant and you sleep well.” Ai bids me good evening before sliding the door open and entering.

My feet immediately move upon their own accord to force me to my chambers. I find myself lost in the forest of thoughts created by my own treacherous mind, but I find solace in finally being alone even if I am suffocated by the wills of others.

Everyone claims to wish me happiness whether through marriage or actually finding love. The concerns are touching on their end; however, they are heart wrenching on mine. For one being to find a happy ending another must forfeit theirs.

Mortals through the ages have developed what they call “fairy tales” as a way to represent the world around them. In these stories the “hero” triumphs over the “villain” and it is a false depiction of life because the villains in the real world are not entirely evil yet the hand they have been dealt places them in that position. Mortals are at the mercy of my brother who decides the one gaining the blessing of a happy life. Villains are merely those forced onto the dark path to justify their losses.

Love is not the same yet similar; for it is not just a sweet feeling and runs deeper than any human, god, or demon can imagine because it courses through the veins of every living being. For someone to have the love they deserve, another must forfeit theirs. Mortals in love are at my mercy…but so are demons and immortals alike.

I hold the most power because more are in the hands of my judgment. But I also must sacrifice my own happiness in love. I, myself, have experienced too many hardships to believe that I deserve love when I must give it to others. My life has always been this way and I do not expect it to suddenly change on a whim. I huff as I slip behind the changing screen in my chambers and strip down before pulling on a thin white evening robe. Obsidian flows freely down my back for the first time in a while. Thoughts of Lingruo draw me to sit on the window seat, staring at the twinkling stars with a longing in my heart. “Oh Lingruo, I wish you were still here to give me the courage I need. I am uncertain of how much longer I can manage to keep up this façade. I dare say I have already lost face,” my mind travels to the words Uncle Huan imparted to me when I had first confessed my secret, “What a wretched father I am. Why did I succumb to the throes of perfect beauty and suppress my kits? Perhaps it is a side effect of my own birth’s curse. I have even used my pipe in those many, many years since our separation.” Panic like that of a mortal woman when she is unable to conceive sons floods my veins and puts pressure on my lungs.

If there is one disadvantage of being the god of love, it’s having to represent or embody every kind of love—including motherly love…as well as the harsh variations of the emotion.

I mutter under my breath as I hold my stomach, “I fear our kits may never make it. Please, wherever you are, give me the strength to go on and to do what is right—for my children and me.”

Weakness has never struck so deep or so hard.

Strength has never abandoned me once and yet it does so when I truly need it most.

Why?

Why did this have to happen now?

There are no true or sound answers to any of these questions I now begin asking myself.

I cannot ponder them no matter how much I’d like to. I’m led by Li Jie’s stardust back to my bed. I cover myself with a quilt and sob into my pillow at the heaviness I feel in my stomach.

My little ones have not shown any signs of good health for they have remained still.

What have I done? Have I truly cost myself what little happiness I held?