VI: The Sweetest Lotus Part 3

“Xiao Meng,” someone nudges me, “Xiao Meng!”

“Go away,” I refuse to pull my face out of the sorrow-stained pillow. “Leave me alone,” I mumble the addition before pulling the quilt over my head like a child.

“Please, come out,” comes my uncle’s voice as he puts a hand on my back.

I throw the quilt off with a groan. “What do you want?” My voice comes out notably hoarse. I sit up slowly, using pillows to support my poor back.

Huan’s eyes instantly become overcast with a mother’s worry. “What were you doing last night? Ai informed me of your absence and seeing as you are still here, I’m assuming you missed breakfast."

No words slip from my tongue for a few breaths. “I am not obligated to discuss the infantile actions which took place in this very room when the moon lorded over the land. Nor will I say what was experienced. All you must know is that I was tired.” The shoulders of my robe slip down loosely and I don’t bother fixing it. “You weren’t supposed to arrive until tomorrow,” I stammer out in an attempt to sound authoritative. I have never wanted to be treated like this. I desire to be left alone just as things used to be. A tiny sneeze escapes me causing a jump transformation. My nine tails and fox ears expose themselves unceremoniously, at which I roll my eyes to show annoyance. Of all the times this could happen it just had to happen in front of Huan. I glare at my uncle with crossed arms and pinned back ears.

“Stop acting like a child,” he checks my pulse and does whatever else physicians do, “You have only caught a cold. I suggest you stay within the confines of your palace. I’ll remind Ai to bring a meal for you and your brother has shown signs of a possible visit after he finishes council business,” Huan frowns, “Is there something else you’re concerned about?”

I do not wish to admit anything is wrong; however, the feeling is far too worrying to ignore. Tears threaten to obscure my vision as I face my uncle. “My kits have not moved since I ceased suppressing them. I do not feel any movement from them and I’m…I’m worried that…that…” My sniffling and choked sobs drown out words. I cannot understand why I am suddenly acting this way. I’ve never truly been hormonal before.

But since I represent motherly love as well, that might be the cause of all the emotional changes I’ve been experiencing.

My body trembles as weak legs drag me out of bed ignoring the stress of my own genuine fears.

Huan grasps my dainty hand as if one wrong move could break it. The healer has me sit before he proceeds to finish exposing my skin and place a hand upon my stomach.

I feel the power of his chi as it searches for that of my precious offspring. I force myself to endure the ever sorrowful silence that ensues while holding back an ungraceful sob.

Huan frowns after a while. “My apologies. It seems as if they ar–”

A slight push from inside my abdomen causes me to flinch as I exclaim, “Was that them? That was my kits!”

“I believe so and I’m thankful all is well. Would you like to–”

“Lord Huan, pardon my interruption,” Ai hurries in to set a bowl of what looks like soup on the table, “But I wish to use this time as a way to learn my duties as a wife. I wish to be prepared.” The flower fairy sits beside me as a servant provides a tray with a spoon and some tea.

Huan betrays my true wishes and takes his leave, placing me at the mercy of my future bride.

The bowl’s contents look plain and flavorless in comparison to the things I normally eat. It all seems bitter even with what appears to possibly be lotus root in it.

The tea gives off the aroma of a usual green tea without additional flavors.

Ai clearly has no knowledge of my preferred tastes.

My heart demands panic at her closeness, but I force myself to reject the thought on behalf of my kits. Where I have not had such intimacy with a woman in centuries it takes my usually observant mind longer to process what the lotus fairy is doing when she brings a spoonful of the bland soup up to my pale pink mouth. I find myself lost in her kind and gentle eyes thanks to the brief disorientation. My untamed heart believes her gesture is from a deep and genuine feeling while my trained intellect has suspicions she is only doing it out of obligation or perhaps she has a different motivation that is neither. I could allow her to feed me. But I dare not hold a desire to indulge in her fantasies of perfect love. I fight with my sensibility which loses as per its routine.

Ai frowns looking between my face and the spoon she holds. “You need to eat.”

I use my eyes to communicate my wish to feed myself, switching my gaze from her to the tray.

The naïve fairy finally sets the spoon back into the soup bowl. She forces a smile before drawing attention to her lap.

I represent the idea of love. My appearance and attitudes reflect all aspects of love. But I am not meant to be loved. I provide it for others.

All those mortals in love with Love have been taught concepts far from the proper understanding.

Love is not entirely happy for it is, in a decent depiction, a dazzling double-edged knife that I have the unfortunate task of holding. The blade is thus pointed at my heart.

I shed my own blood for the others in this world. I lose the most precious gift amongst the realms so that others may have it. If I switch the blade, others shall shed it for me.

Such a thing is disastrous