Ch. 30 - Sarah's worries.

We were only a few distance away before we head towards our different classrooms when I could no longer ignore the urge of my mind to look at his picture again. I have never expected to suddenly see his face or let alone his body. Althea and Ishraaq already went ahead as their buildings are further away. It was just me, Johara and Fatimah. l try to quietly pull out my phone and check to see of they've notice me looking at it. I dont want them to see me looking at stuff like that otherwise they'll think im a pervert. I open it up and I was shock to see that it wasn't there anymore, I tried scrolling down and the hitting refresh button but it wasn't there anymore.

"What's wrong?"

I was completely oblivious that they're still here but I think its disappearance is in perfect timing, they're looking at me and at my phone. I just smiled at them and say..."I just lost signal, hehehe..."

"Anyways, Sarah we're gonna go now."

"Oh? Okay, good luck."

I told them, we hugged each other goodbye and they went on to they're way. I head on towards my class but im still curious what happened to the photo he sent, I dont remember where he sent it I just click the notification tab and now I dont know where it is.

I enter my classroom and almost all of my classmates are there already, a few just looks at me for a few seconds then they went back on minding their own business. As I pass some of them they just mentioned my name without looking at me as a form of greeting. I just smiled and say their names too, I sat down on my seat near the window, I look outside and try to calm myself down by looking at the beauty of nature. Birds freely souring in the sky, flying all together without a single one getting drifted away by the wind. The boughs swayed in the wind, while the leaves danced, shimmered, and jiggled. Nature is truly beautiful and we should be grateful for it. It helps clear my mind and prepares me mentally for the coming lessons and the stress that comes with it.

During our class, I always feel ashamed to my legal guardians. I barely manages to keep passing grades and keep my scholarship because I struggle concentrating. Even though they keep on supporting me to achieve my dreams, so I can attain higher education for a bright future. To not end up like my mother, yet I don't have anything worthy of showing something to them as proof of my success and appreciation to them. Its hard for me to get motivated as im not so sure what to do about my future, and I haven't set up any actual goals. Studying in college in so depressing and stressful, meeting high expectations to redeem myself to the bloody high cost of college fees just adds up to the intense pressure and stress im currently suffering from. Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever have a happy life, to temporarily escape the harsh horrors of reality. I tend to think and often get carried away in my imagination. I entertain myself with the imagination of becoming a successful person and meeting my soulmate, retiring from working and becoming a fulltime housewife and mother. Will I ever find peace and happiness?

As I think more thoroughly about my future, I began to have doubts as I began to question whether I have what it takes to go through this ordeal. I only think of the result but I haven't thought of the process, it makes me feel gloomy and hopeless. It seems I will never enjoy my life to the fullest or even enjoy it in the way I want to. My friends and family see me as a cheerful and optimistic person, but behind my smile are strong negative emotions, an incompetent and worthless person. A person who can't understand what to do or how to feel comfortable to be herself in fear of being wrongly judge or discriminated. A person who is consistently in fear of making everyone disappointed or letting them down, a complete nuisance and inadequate person.

Later in the evening even though I didn't understand much of todays lesson, I was glad I could go home. I patiently wait for my friends to go home together. I silently watch the cheerful streets surrounding our campus. People walking home stopping by certain establishments to buy their essential needs, a group of friends hanging around, having fun. I can see the joyful expression on their faces, some are smiling walking hand in hand with their beloved. Some are alone but are excitedly walking home to be with their families. Others have worn out faces but try their best to keep up and provide for themselves and their love one's. I always thought graduating would guarantee a happy and comfortable lifestyle, I always school is boring. But it turns out school days is the best, adulthood is the real pain. Engaging in a mental and physical warfare everyday to make a living, I already feel exhausted and stress from studying to get good grades, I cant imagine the agony of working for money to feed myself. Especially that I constantly make mistakes all the time.

"how will I ever keep this up?"

I asked myself already on the verge of tearing up.

I wish I could wake up to the cooking of my mother again when I was still little. I dont wanna experience the pain and suffering of this world anymore.

"Sorry to keep you waiting! Did you wait that long?"

Upon hearing Althea's voice I quickly rub my eyes before facing her. I dont want them to see my misery.

"No, not really. Let's go."

"Okay!"

We made our way home walking, seeing other students depart saying goodbye to each other. The sky has turned orange as the sun sets and street lights and establishments illuminates the streets.

The street was desolate. The storefronts were devoid of displays, which was just as well, because not a single person was there to admire them. Cars sat empty along the curb, collecting dust.

We enter our room at the dormitory, I stepped into the room and collided onto an object that seemed vaguely like a box or that's what I assumed. Our room was bleak, cold and completely dark. It was quiet and somber in there and I felt a chill as the darkness engulfed me. I am scared of the dark and fear is all I feel, until Althea turns on the light the feeling of fear vanish.

"Bestie, we really need to clean our room..."

I look at the floor and saw books and boxes laying on the side of the room. The flooring is getting darker and dry stains are very visible. Dust and pieces of fallen hair are scattered across the floor and under the table and chairs. It feels unwelcoming and irritating to look at.

"Okay, I will clean for a bit while you cook for dinner."

I told her.

"Do you not need my self cleaning this up?"

She scratches her eyes as leans on the wall. Feeling stress and tired as well, she knows im tired as well and wants to end all the chores quickly so we can rest.

"Don't worry about it, I can handle the cleaning just fine."

She stretches and went to the kitchen mumbling the words. "Suit yourself."

*2 hours later.*

After I finish cleaning up the floor I ended up wiping the walls and windows too, I also tidy up the room a bit, I wipe the desk and shelves before stacking up our books on it in random order. I like cleaning and I often carried away with it. When she calls my name to the table, I place back all the cleaning materials and thats when the smell of tomato paste and bell pepper enters my nostrils. I walks towards the dining table to see the sight of what looks likes a curry style dish. It smells good.

"What did you cook, bestie?"

She tooks of her apron and grins ear to ear, she took on a intimidating pose and proudly says...

"Bestie, its called beef caldereta! Its a good Filipino dish!"

She looks so tired before now she looks energetic, she grabs some plates and told me to sit down. She enthusiastically serve me a plate of her cooking with some rice. I took a spoonful and put it in my mouth.

"Wow~ Bestie its good!"

I have never had any proper meal let alone something this good for a while now. And the fact she shares with me everything she has, just shows how caring she is.

"I know right! Lets eat, im hungry and I wanna sleep soon~."

We quietly ate our dinner, I look at her and despite being exhausted for the day, despite having more worries than me, despite also being a part timer. She still manage to keep up with everything and remain steadfast. After the tiring and stressful day we went through, she still manages and remain happy and optimistic. It only takes a dish from her home and she seems to have forgotten all her worries. I admire her passion and determination to continue grinding and keep moving forward to have a bright future. But at the same time I envy her ability to get motivated and enjoy the little things. She's completely out of my league. Laying at my bed, feeling relief to lay down and finally rest. I try to make myself comfortable and fall asleep, I turn around and felt something on my knee. Its rough and has some pointy edges, I look down and try to grab what it is. I picked up a piece of paper, I dont know what it is until I look at it closely.

It was an activity sheet I was supposed to pass today! I completely forgot.

I was so startled and upset I facepalm myself so hard I knock myself to my own pillow and started to cry. I thought I already had anything right, why could things just be the way I wanted it to be? Why do I always fail even to the slightest details?

Suddenly all of my thoughts from earlier came back, the immense feeling of self doubt and anxiety, the strong feeling of sorrow and fear, the agonizing pain of frustration and failure. It was so much for me to handle, all I could do is overthink and cry. I try to fall asleep again so I can feel like escaping the world. I wanted to scream but I didn't want to cause a disturbance to the people already sleeping. I cover my mouth with my blanket and slowly let out my voice to ease the sorrow and despair from my heart. As tears drip from my eyes to my cheeks until it soaks my pillow.

Then I remembered one of the advises Rem (Akagi) told me. Not let any emotions bottle up inside me.

I opened my phone and I try to message him and see if he is available to talk to. Even though its already dark and I assume he's asleep already. I still hope he'd reply and answer my call.

*Beep*

[ Doing fine, just got home from work.]

He replied! I felt happy to see he actually replied. I finally have someone to talk to.

I ended up telling him what I felt the whole day, all my worries and problems. Im always afraid to show what I truly feel to the people around me in fear of being judge and becoming much more of a nuisance to them. But since he cannot see my current stature or physical self, I feel much safer to let it all out. He also seems trustworthy even though I cannot see him. I just feel like im more safe from judgements when im talking to him. And also, I check my gallery and remembered I actually save his photo. I stared at it as we exchanged messages to each other. It feels different now that I know how he looks, I just imagine him laying down like that as he chats with me. Just having those thoughts made me blush. I feel more relax and comfortable now after opening up to him.

I wish we could get even closer.