Chapter Eight
HOW TO GET PAST YOUR PAST
The only reason you need to go back into your past is to forgive. Learn to overcome your thoughts of failure. We are not perfect people. We did contribute something to the marriage both good and bad. The bad or wrong attitudes and reactions are the issues to think about here. They are in the past and they do not need to be pushed aside or they will flare up later on with other people. You need to admit each bad attitude or wrong action. Doing this will give you strength and healing. Your reputation as a failure is caused from reacting and having a bad attitude with everyone. It takes self examination to change these habits, but this is necessary for your growth and healing. It may be hard to resist old friends but this will also be necessary. Sometimes your old friends will try to keep you in your former lifestyle (still married). They will not understand your need to make a change and start a new life for yourself. Remember they are well meaning, but the old patterns are what you want to break. Restructure your thoughts and make a self examination so you can change your way of thinking. Example: "I will not respond in that manner or lose my temper." Start to think more positive and less negative. Time is working on your side as you become a more mature and fulfilled person.
The three vital factors here are: omit – quit – forgive. Recognize what you did so you can omit the things you did wrong in your past. Quit your old ways because they carry pain. Forget the past and go forward with your life.
Working through forgiveness plays a major part in putting your past behind you. This principle is discussed at length under the heading of Forgiveness. Take a look at this
principle. You are no dealing with yourself. Do not excuse your ex-spouse for their actions and attitudes. You have no need to understand your ex-spouse. The problems that you encountered in the divorce were not all bad. They may seem so, but the results from overcoming these problems will mean more growth and strength for you. Hard work and planning ahead is always reasonable for you to do. This shows that you are making a new start for yourself. Some of your plans may involve a move to a new location. This does not mean you will not encounter problems. Remember problems can work for you.
The truth about most adverse situations involving difficult people is that it builds character in you. It is the way we respond not react. Example: the ex-spouse will pose a problem to you and you react to the person instead of responding to the problem. When you react, this allows them to become the controller and keeps you weak. On the other hand, when you respond to the problem and deal with it, this builds character and you become the stronger person. Sometimes the problems can overpower your thoughts and dim your focus. You need to keep remembering your future is ahead and not behind you or even in the present. You will need to put all blame behind you. This includes yours and that of your ex-spouse. Keep practicing the principle of forgiving in order to complete your healing. Seek new directions by looking for and learning different activities such as sports and hobbies or something you have always wanted to do. Try new social events with new friends. Choose to be around positive people that you have something in common with.
Another key to getting your past behind you is putting your former spouse in focus. Your feelings can go from love to hate and then to revenge very rapidly. This is caused by negative conditions and situations. Divorce is not like death. In death the other person is fully removed from your existence. The ex-
spouse often hovers about the edge of the broken relationship and causes havoc with the other mate's life.
There are six different causes that are directly linked with divorce.
1. The victim. The ex-spouse leaves the home for someone else. One person wants the divorce and the other does not. The one left has to deal with feelings such as rejection, guilt, worthlessness, despair, hostility and revenge.
2. The problem. The ex-spouse had a problem with alcohol gambling, money or sex. The one left has feelings of sympathy and regret. These problems are usually brought into the marriage. The one left has to deal with abandonment.
3. The child-like attitude. The ex-spouse doesn't want the responsibility of being married anymore; they want to be free with their friends.
4. The "I was snowed." The ex-spouse pretended to be someone they were not. They did not have the ability to be honest about themselves. The one left had to deal with feelings of disillusionment and distrust.
5. The mid-life crisis. The ex-spouse felt like they needed time for themselves. This is caused by traumatic changes in their personality and sometimes general confusion. The one left had to deal with feelings of abandonment.
6. The no-fault. The ex-spouse became tired of being married and living with someone an wanted to go the separate way. The one left had felt the same way and had to deal with feelings that were neutral.
Take the detachment one day at a time. Break all ties as soon as possible. Some people make opportunities to see their former mate, such as family gatherings. Some people use this as an opportunity to secretly hold onto the other person. You will find yourself wanting to assume responsibility for them by thinking, "Can they make it?" or "Will they eat right?" or "Are they lonely?" etc. This is why detachment is necessary. You will need to forget the painful past and remember the good. It is not possible to rebuild a new life while clinging to the past.
HOW TO GET PAST THE PAST
Summary
Overcome your thoughts of failure. Overcome resistance from friends. Recognize your need to start over. You need to restructure your thoughts. Omit – quit – forget.
Be forgiving.
Deal with the problems of wrong beliefs. Place your ex-spouse in focus.
There are six basic causes of divorce— discover where you fit.