Chapter Nine

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is the one principle that cannot be dealt with by feelings. You must make a willful choice to forgive. Forgiveness is also the principle tat is most often overlooked or misunderstood. Forgiveness doesn't come easy. It is foreign to us and unnatural to our normal feelings. It is such an expensive thing to do. The cost is always borne by the one who does the forgiving. When you have made the choice to forgive you must be willing to release the other person from the payment of the debt of emotional damage. It is necessary to free your ex-spouse from any obligation to you and from any wrong they have done to you. Example: if you lose something of mine that is valuable and I forgive you, I must suffer the loss and let it go. If you sread slanderous remarks about me and ruin my reputation and I choose to forgive you, I must bear the hurt and grant you full pardon. Forgiveness is cancelling out the debt of the emotional pain that the ex-spouse has caused. The damage of divorce is so widespread that walls have been built in our lives instead of bridges. You feel at this point that to forgive your ex-spouse would be wrong because they have taken something from you and they should suffer too. You will begin to drown yourself unless you make a deliberate choice by the act of your will to forgive your ex-spouse. They will continue to keep you in bondage unless you do that. The amount of forgiveness that you extend is in direct proportion to your personal loss. Forgiveness eliminates the strong feelings of hate from your life. You may need to practice the principle of "by the act of your will" many times but eventually it will work. Forgiveness is the willingness

to forfeit your right to use the tool of anger, bitterness and resentment to punish your ex-spouse.

Forgiveness doesn't replace the feelings that you were cheated and betrayed, nor does it repair the damage done through a divorce. The principle of forgiveness once applied will begin to restore and strengthen you. You will soon realize you are beginning to experience a new freedom in your life.

This remark was made by a woman attending one of the group sessions: "I don't feel like forgiving my ex-spouse. They did me wrong." We will never forgive the offender if we wait for the feeling of forgiveness to come to us. This woman had a choice. She could choose to forgive or hold onto her feelings.

Another person who came into the group session was very closed—unreachable—and would not talk. His first words were, "I hate my ex-spouse." We listened to the story of his relationship from start to finish, and felt he was justified by not wanting to forgive his ex-spouse. Finally he came to the place where he could ask the question, "What can I do to rid myself of the strong feelings of hate, should I call or send a card or apologize?" There were several things that took place here. First, he admitted his true feelings. This is very important. Second, he became honest about taking action. The action he mentioned would not solve the problem, they would act only as a band-aid covering up a serious problem. The attitude of unforgiveness keeps your emotions unstable. When you talk with your ex- spouse or run into them, you will continue to feel anger, bitterness or other negative emotions. Failure to forgive causes you to retain these emotions as baggage and you will continue to be the loser. Unforgiveness prevents you from trusting another person. Your negative emotions will spill over into other relationships. Unforgiveness also creates an attitude of "take me or leave me." This is best described as "this is the way I am and I will not change." Feelings of rejection are responsible for this attitude. Forgiveness will free you from the past. We should

never bring the past into the present except to forgive. Many divorced people have a tendency for scheming to get even with their ex-spouse for past wrongs. This is done by using family members and friends in their schemes. They will keep a court battle going or they will host family affairs with the knowledge that you will attend out of a sense of guilt. Forgiveness enables you to gain personal dignity by being able to say, "You can't hurt me anymore because I have moved beyond that." There is strength and growth in being able to move away from your ex- spouse's control. Moving away sometimes can be difficult at first because once you were close to that person. This is a healthy step and must be done by choice. The principle of forgiveness is by choice. You can say, "I can't forgive." Or "I should forgive them." But those are the wrong words. The choice you make forgiving your ex-spouse isn't a matter of can or cannot. Forgiveness is a choice of will. We will or we will not choose to forgive. The decision to forgive or not to forgive is one that you and only you along can make. To forgive is to release all of your feelings of misery and despair toward your ex-spouse. Whether to extend forgiveness poses the question: Do you want to forgive, or continue to practice vengeance? Would vengeance be worth continuing the pain or would you prefer to forgive and experience a true freedom and peace of mind. You need to get to the place where you can forgive your ex-spouse without the expectation of receiving anything in return. You must take responsibility of forgiving your ex-spouse. You are obligated to go to your ex-spouse and confront them with the wrong action done to you and things that were said to you. You will need to do this with caution. Have your facts straight and be civil in how you present them. Wait for a reasonable explanation, keeping in mind you will probably have to forgive. Forgiveness is based on choice, the act of your will and not with your feelings, which isn't an instant occurrence, but a process. There are times we don't want to forgive because it will mean we need to change

and we don't like change. We need to understand that by forgiving our ex-spouse, the offender, we are letting them off the hook. We are releasing them from the obligation to repay what they owe us and from the need to return what they have stolen from us. We are releasing them also from the need to apologize to us for hurts they caused and from the need to make good the breech of promises. Forgiveness is a clear and deliberate choice which doesn't mean we feel any better, nor does it mean the damage wasn't real. Never deny that. Healing begins once we take the first step of making a choice to forgive. The moment you make the choice not to forgive, you become the slave of your ex-spouse. But the moment you choose to forgive, you become free.

FORGIVENESS

Summary

What is forgiveness? The act of pardoning another.

How do we deal with forgiveness? With feelings or with choice? What forgiveness is not:

• Overlooking the wrong done to you.

• Excusing and whitewashing

• Psychoanalyzing the wrongdoers

• Putting the blame on yourself

• Understanding yourself, the other person and the situation.