I don't know wtf I'm writing

So, there we were. Just married.

Our honeymoon? A full-scale war against every major village, the Akatsuki, and half the known world.

Kyoki? Sobbing into his hands.Sasuke? Still sucking on the pacifier like his life depended on it.Konan? Flustered, but now fully invested in my nonsense.

And me?

I was about to commit even more international crimes.

Hiruzen stood in front of an army of Konoha shinobi, his face wrinkled with stress and regret.The Raikage was glowing with so much lightning that he looked like an overcharged battery.Nagato hovered above the battlefield, preparing to unleash godly destruction.

Tsunade, standing next to me, cracked her knuckles.

"Alright, husband," she smirked. "How do you wanna do this?"

I grinned. "I think I'll start by bullying the elderly."

Hiruzen paled. "Wait, wha—"

The battlefield was a kaleidoscope of absurdity. Konoha's forests trembled under the weight of clashing chakra, laughter, and the distant wail of a Raikage hurtling through the stratosphere. Tsunade and I stood back-to-back, her fist crackling with earth-shattering power while my Mangekyo spun lazily, ready to rewrite reality on a whim. The air smelled of burning ego, crushed dreams, and… was that popcorn? Anko was definitely snacking in the sidelines.

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the God of Shinobi™, looked every bit his age—like a raisin left in the sun. His hands shook as he formed the ram sign, summoning Enma, the Adamantine Staff. The monkey king materialized, took one look at the carnage, and sighed.

Enma: "Hiruzen, retire already."

Hiruzen: "NOT TODAY!"

He hurled the staff like a javelin, aiming for my skull. Tsunade snorted.

Me: [casually catching the staff] "Thanks, gramps! Always wanted a backscratcher!"

Hiruzen: [sweating] "…Give that back."

I twirled the staff like a baton, humming We Will Rock You. Hiruzen lunged, but I sidestepped, hooking the staff between his legs.

Me: "Batter up!"

CRUNCH.

The sound echoed across the continent. Birds fled. Hiruzen folded like a lawn chair, his scream hitting a pitch only bats and Kyoki could appreciate.

Kyoki: [hyperventilating] "HE'S A MENACE TO GRANDPAS EVERYWHERE!"

Tsunade: [sipping sake] "I'm framing this memory."

Hiruzen whimpered, clutching what remained of his dignity.

Me: [snapping the staff over my knee] "Nutzcracker 2.0: Retirement Edition!"

Hiruzen: [weakly] "…Orochimaru was kinder…"

I tossed the pieces into a nearby volcano. Hiruzen's tears evaporated before they hit the ground.

The Raikage, now a human lightning bolt, crashed back to Earth, cratering the ground. His mustache bristled with enough rage to power Kumogakure for a decade.

Raikage: "I'LL SKULL-F*** YOUR CORPSE, UCHIHA!"

Me: "Kinky. But you're not my type."

He charged, faster than a Bijuu on espresso. Tsunade yawned.

Tsunade: "He's all yours, hubby."

Me: [grinning] "Let's dance, Pikachu."

I activated Reality Rejection, warping his punch's trajectory. His fist veered left—straight into his own jaw.

WHAM!

Raikage: "WHAT THE—?"

Me: "Oops. Try again?"

He lunged, fist crackling. I redirected it… downward.

CRUNCH.

Raikage: [cross-eyed] "…MY KNEECAP."

Me: "Self-love is important, big guy."

Ten self-punches later, the Raikage resembled a toddler mid-tantrum. I ended his suffering by spinning him like a top and launching him skyward.

Raikage: [fading scream] "CURSE YOOOOOU—"

Tsunade: "He'll land in Iwa. Onohoki's gonna love that."

Amid the chaos, Itachi Uchiha slithered from the shadows, eyes bleeding Tsukuyomi intent.

Itachi: [monotone] "Sasuke. Come."

Sasuke: [spitting out pacifier] "Nuh-uh! Shin's funner!"

Itachi reached for him—and froze. My Mangekyo flared.

Me: "Ever danced with Orochimaru in a tutu, Itachi?"

Tsukuyomi: Snake orgy edition.

In Itachi's mind, Orochimaru multiplied. Dozens of him, clad in fishnets and wielding… cucumbers.

Orochimaru Army: [hissing] "Sssshow us your assshooleeee, Itachi-kun~"

Itachi: [visibly short-circuiting] "…No… NO! Yamete Kudasai !!!!!"

72 hours of nonstop "training" later, Itachi collapsed, twitching.

Itachi: [drooling] "…snakes… everywhere…"

Sasuke: [giggling] "Shin's the best!"

Kyoki: [rocking in fetal position] "WHY DID HE VOMIT A RUBBER SNAKE?!"

Nagato, still hovering ominously, raised his hand.

"UCHIHA SHIN, I WILL END YOUR EXISTENCE WITH THE POWER OF THE SIX PATHS!"

I yawned. "Yeah, yeah, everyone says that."

Then—he tried to use Almighty Pull to drag me toward him.

I smirked. "Nice try. But I came prepared."

I pulled out a bottle of pepper spray.

Nagato, confused: "What is that supposed to—"

PSHHHHHHT!

Nagato SCREAMED.

"AAAAAAGH! MY RINNEGAN! IT BURNS! IT BUUUURNS!"

I kept spraying.

Kyoki: "OH MY GOD, HE MACED THE RINNEGAN."

Konan, watching from the side, visibly flustered: "…I shouldn't be laughing."

Nagato, tears streaming down his face: "THIS ISN'T HOW BATTLES ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK!"

Me: "Too bad! Welcome to the Shin Experience™!"

Tsunade, smirking: "Husband, remind me to never fight you."

Me: "Noted, babe."

Nagato: "SUFFER UNDER PAIN'S—"

Me: [spraying pepper mist] "Shh. Adults are talking."

The Rinnegan sizzled. Nagato screeched, clawing at his eyes.

Nagato: "IT BURNS! WHY DOES IT BURN?!"

Konan: [trying not to laugh] "I… shouldn't enjoy this."

I tossed Konan the spray.

Me: "Tag in!"

Konan: [blushing] "Nagato, hold still—"

PSHHHHHT!

Nagato: [flailing] "KONAN, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!"

The Allied Shinobi Forces regrouped—Sand, Mist, ANBU, even Akatsuki stragglers.

Kakashi: [reading porn] "This'll end poorly."

Me: "Tsunade, ready for the grand finale?"

Tsunade: [cracking knuckles] "Make it sparkle."

She punched the earth, launching enemies skyward. I rewrote reality:

Reality Rejection – Stage 1: All weapons turn into glitter.

Stage 2: Combat skills replaced with jazz hands.

The battlefield erupted into West Side Story.

Enemy Ninja A: [tap-dancing] "Why am I singing Defying Gravity?!"

Enemy Ninja B: [twirling] "I hate how catchy this is!"

Deidara, mid-explosion, found his clay morphing into disco balls.

Deidara: "ART IS AN ETERNAL FLASH MOB!"

Kisame fused with Samehada, becoming a sentient shark maraca.

Kisame: [grumpily shaking] "This is not majestic."

Gaara's sand morphed into a conga line.

Gaara: "…I feel nothing."

Kyoki fainted. Anko tossed him popcorn.

Me: [bowing] "And the Tony Award goes to… ME!"

Casualties:

Hiruzen: Retired to a monastery. Swears off pants.

Raikage: Still orbiting. Occasionally seen as a shooting star.

Nagato: Wears sunglasses. Claims the Rinnegan was "overrated."

Itachi: Institutionalized. Mumbles about snake-themed therapy.

Tsunade: [kissing my cheek] "Same time next year?"

Me: "Thinking bigger. Let's invade the Otsutsuki dimension."

Konan quietly pocketed the pepper spray. Sasuke demanded a replay of Itachi's genjutsu.

And somewhere, Orochimaru felt a strange sense of pride. He watched gleefully as Itachi was carried away while lying on his stomach.

Orochimaru: "My… precious…"

Nagato, having finally dug himself out of the mountain, stood in his ruined throne room.

The walls were covered in scattered pieces of paper with Shin's name angrily scribbled on them.

Yahiko's ghost: "Bro, you're taking this way too seriously."

Nagato: "He stole Konan. He humiliated me. And now… HE'S TRYING TO START A COUNTRY."

Yahiko's ghost: "I mean, he's doing pretty well…"

Nagato screamed in frustration.

"THIS ISN'T HOW THE WORLD WORKS!"

Then, he slammed his fists on the table. "I NEED A PLAN!"

He furiously scribbled on a scroll:

"REVENGE PLAN #57: DESTROY THE SKY VILLAGE"

Yahiko's ghost: "Dude, you're obsessed."

Nagato: "SHUT UP, YAHIKO."

With my broadcast reaching every corner of the world, I finally stepped back and admired my work.

Kyoki, having lost all faith in humanity, collapsed onto the floor.

"Shin," he muttered. "You've officially broken the world."

I grinned. "Damn right, I have."

Tsunade wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "So, what's next, husband?"

I smirked. "Simple. We make this official."

I activated Reality Rejection and hacked into the communication networks of every ninja village.

My face appeared on every crystal ball, radio, and transmission scroll in the world.

"HELLO, FUTURE SKY VILLAGERS! Are you sick of corrupt governments? Annoying old Kages? Stupid ninja laws?"

Shinobi everywhere paused mid-mission to listen.

"Well, JOIN ME! In the SKY VILLAGE, we offer: Unlimited ramen! No taxes! Explosions every Tuesday! And best of all? I am your Kage, which means ultimate bullshit powers!"

A random ninja in Kiri: "Wait… no taxes?"

A rogue ninja in Kumo: "Unlimited ramen…?"

A missing-nin in Iwa: "This… actually sounds good."

Suddenly, ninja everywhere started defecting.

Kyoki, watching from the sidelines, screamed. "HE'S ACTUALLY RECRUITING PEOPLE."

Tsunade, watching it unfold, took a sip of sake. "Not bad, husband."

Konan kept stealing glances at me.

Hiruzen, barely able to stand after 'The Nutzcracker Incident,' stared at the reports piling up in front of him.

"Sir," an ANBU reported, visibly sweating, "We… we have a problem."

Hiruzen rubbed his temples. "Let me guess. More defections?"

"Y-yes," the ANBU stuttered. "Sir, half of our missing-nin are now pledging allegiance to Shin."

Hiruzen looked like he wanted to jump off the Hokage Tower.

"…And?" he asked, dreading the answer.

The ANBU gulped. "Sir… even some of our ANBU members are considering joining."

Hiruzen screamed into his hands.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM SKY KAGE SHIN:"Greetings, losers! I, Uchiha Shin, Ruler of the Sky, Master of Bullshit, and Husband to the Strongest Woman in the World, am now formally establishing the SKY VILLAGE. It's a tax-free paradise with unlimited ramen, explosions, and actual fun. If you don't like it? Too bad! Come and try to stop me. But be warned—you will be humiliated.

P.S. Nagato, if you try to attack me again, I'm going to rizz up your Akatsuki members until they all defect.

Signed,Uchiha Shin, First Sky Kage, and Absolute Menace.

The reaction was expected.

Konoha: "HE'S MOCKING US!"Kumo: "HE'S STEALING OUR PEOPLE!"Iwa: "THIS IS A THREAT TO OUR WAY OF LIFE!"Suna: "…I kinda wanna join."Amegakure: "HE THREATENED TO RIZZ UP THE AKATSUKI?! THAT'S IT! WAR!"

And just like that…

The entire world declared war on me.

Me?

I turned to Tsunade, grinning. "Wanna go on a honeymoon, babe?"

Tsunade smirked. "Only if we destroy an army or two along the way."

Kyoki screamed into his hands.

Sasuke, watching everything unfold, muttered, "This man is worse than Madara."

I patted his head. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

And so, with an entire global army hunting us down, I smirked and welcomed the challenge.

LET THE WAR OF THE SKY BEGIN.