How to flirt 101 or give stockholm syndrome

Konoha was still trying to recover from the absolute war crime that was me landing my unstable, chakra-leaking Flying Shin-tanic right above the Hokage Monument. People were still screaming in terror, shinobi were cleaning up after my 'fundraising event,' and Hiruzen was probably on his third stroke of the day.

Meanwhile, back on the fortress, I sat proudly on my throne of money, bouncing baby Sasuke on my lap like some kind of deranged overlord.

Tsunade, standing beside me, arms crossed and brow twitching, was deeply regretting every life choice that led her to this moment.

"Shin," she said, slowly and dangerously, "you kidnapped a **baby Uchiha, a traumatized Hyuga, stole half a billion ryo, and declared yourself an airborne dictator."

I grinned. "And yet, I'm still the most handsome man on this ship!"

Kyoki, sitting nearby, stared at me with the expression of a man who was one bad day away from joining the enemy.

Shizune, curled up in a corner, mumbled something about "sins against humanity."

Hinata, still wrapped in a blanket and too scared to speak, kept staring at Sasuke like he was her only lifeline.

Sasuke, his pacifier forcibly shoved back in his mouth, had clearly accepted his fate.

Anko, lounging nearby with a dango stick in her mouth, shrugged. "Honestly? I think it's hilarious."

Kurenai, sipping a cup of stolen Konoha tea, just sighed. "At this point, I don't even care anymore."

I stood up dramatically, placing my hands on my hips. "Alright, troops! Our mission isn't over yet!"

Tsunade groaned. "Oh, for god's sake, what now?"

I grinned. "We need MORE WAIFUS!"

Kyoki choked. "Shin, stop committing felonies!"

I teleported away before anyone could object.

I appeared inside the Raikage's office, landing directly on his desk like a guy who didn't care about personal boundaries or national security.

Mabui, the stunningly beautiful, white-haired secretary, looked up from her paperwork. "Excuse me, but who the hell are you?"

I grinned. "I'm your new boss, babe."

She raised an eyebrow. "Do I look like I have time for this?"

The Raikage, A, the walking mountain of muscle, was just outside his office, yelling at someone.

I knew I had only seconds before he came in and turned me into a stain on the wall.

So, naturally, I did the dumbest thing possible.

I picked up Mabui, threw her over my shoulder, and TELEPORTED AWAY.

Mabui: "WHAT THE—?!"

Raikage (from outside): "DID THAT UCHIHA JUST STEAL MY SECRETARY?!"

I dropped Mabui next to Kurenai and Anko.

She blinked. "Where... am I?"

Anko grinned. "Welcome to Waifu Island, honey."

Kurenai sighed. "I have completely given up on resisting."

Tsunade punched me but missed. "STOP STEALING PEOPLE!"

I grinned . "NOPE Tsuna babe."

Next, I teleported straight into Kirigakure.

Young Terumi Mei, a smoking hot redhead with a dangerous temper, was training with a group of Mist ninja.

I grinned, walked right into the training ground, and clapped my hands together.

"Alright, boys! I'm taking this fine lady with me!"

The Mist shinobi immediately attacked.

I sighed, activated Reality Rejection, and erased their ability to move.

They all collapsed onto the ground, confused and paralyzed.

Mei, staring at me in horror, went to use her Lava Release, but I teleported behind her and knocked her out cold.

Then, with zero hesitation, I threw her over my shoulder and teleported away.

Mei woke up, groggy and pissed. "Where am I?"

Anko, laughing. "Join the club, sweetheart."

Mabui: "I demand an explanation."

Kurenai: "Trust me, you won't get one."

Tsunade: "SHIN, YOU CAN'T JUST STEAL A FUTURE KAGE!"

I grinned. "Watch me!"

Kyoki: "I AM LOSING MY SANITY!"

I teleported to Amegakure, appearing right in front of Konan, the gorgeous blue-haired paper angel of the Akatsuki.

"Yo, angel babe!" I grinned. "I'm here to kidnap you!"

Konan stared at me in silence.

Then—

BAM!

I got bitch-slapped so hard I actually felt my soul leave my body.

Nagato, standing behind her, was glaring at me like an angry god.

"You... dare... try to kidnap Konan?"

I sat up, rubbing my cheek. "Bro, you didn't have to hit me so hard! That was unnecessary violence!"

Nagato activated the Rinnegan.

"Oh shit—"

I barely dodged a Shinra Tensei, rolling away like an idiot.

Konan, sighing, raised a hand. "Nagato, wait."

Nagato paused.

Konan, eyeing me carefully, asked, "Why are you trying to kidnap me?"

I dusted myself off. "Babe, listen. You're too good for this rainy warzone. You deserve a better life! With me! In the sky! As my beautiful, dangerous, paper-folding wife!"

Konan blinked. "What?"

Nagato froze. "Wait, did you just—?"

I stepped forward, activated my most powerful weapon.

I unleashed the MODERN PICKUP LINES.

"Are you made of paper? Because I want to fold you into my life."

Konan's cheeks turned pink.

Nagato: "Oh my god—"

I smirked. "Baby, are you a storm? Because every time I see you, you make my heart pour."

Konan turned redder.

Nagato: "KONAN, DON'T FALL FOR IT!"

I leaned in. "Are you the Rinnegan? Because I feel like I just got pulled into your gravitational field."

Konan, blushing, turned away. "I... I suppose I could hear him out..."

Nagato screamed. "NOOOOOO!"

Konan stood next to Kurenai, Anko, Mabui, and Mei, looking mildly flustered.

Tsunade was breathing heavily through her nose.

"Shin," she whispered. "I am going to kill you."

I grinned. "You can't kill me, babe. You love me!"

Sasuke stared at the scene. "Maybe Itachi wasn't so bad, compared to this lunatic. Is this why big brother killed all the uchihas? Were they all lunatic like him?"

Then he muttered, "I am so glad Itachi isn't here to see this."

I shoved a pacifier back in his mouth.

"Shut up and go rizz up your future waifu, kid."

I sat on my glorious floating throne aboard the Flying Shin-tanic, looking over my ever-growing collection of waifus, stolen ninja children, and piles of money. Life was good.

Sasuke, still in full pacifier mode, sat beside Hinata, who was too nervous to speak, while Anko and Kurenai were casually playing a high-stakes drinking game with Mabui and Mei.

Meanwhile, Konan stood near the edge of the deck, looking deep in thought.

Now, normally, I'd leave her alone… but something was off.

She kept glancing at me, biting her lower lip slightly, before quickly looking away.

Kyoki, watching this unfold, sighed and muttered, "Oh no… not again…"

Tsunade, sitting beside me, leaned over and whispered, "Shin, what did you do to her?"

I smirked. "Nothing! Just some good ol' modern flirting."

Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "Goddamn it, Shin…"

Nagato sat on his big, brooding villain throne, staring at absolutely nothing.

His eyes were bloodshot. His fingers trembled. He had not stopped hyperventilating since Shin seduced Konan and stole her away right in front of him.

"He… he stole her…"

Yahiko's ghost: "Bro, chill."

"HE STOLE HER!"

Yahiko's ghost: "No, like seriously, calm down—"

"I'M GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD."

Yahiko's ghost: "Oh for f— just go get her back, man!"

Nagato shot to his feet, hands trembling.

"Summon the Akatsuki. We're going to hunt this bastard down."

Turns out, kidnapping multiple powerful women, stealing money, and holding a floating fortress hostage over Konoha doesn't go unnoticed.

Across every major village, a singular, world-changing announcement was made.

"ALL SHINOBI, REPORT FOR DUTY. WE ARE DECLARING A GLOBAL MANHUNT FOR UCHIHA SHIN."

Iwa: "This man must be stopped before he destroys the natural order."

Kumo: "HE STOLE MABUI?! GET EVERYONE! EVEN KILLER BEE!"

Suna: "Who the hell is this guy?"

Konoha: "We just want Sasuke back… and our money."

Amegakure: "THE SKY MENACE MUST DIE."

The world was officially at war with me.

Tsunade, holding a fresh cup of tea, sat beside me as I lazily flipped through bounty posters of myself.

"Shin," she said calmly, "your bounty is now 1.5 billion ryo."

I grinned. "I'M WORTH MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN HISTORY! MOM, I MADE IT! I've made you proud." I wipe tear from my eyes.

Kyoki: "This isn't a flex, you moron!"

Shizune, shaking in the corner: "We're all gonna die…"

Konan, leaning on the railing, was still sneaking glances at me.

Kyoki facepalmed. "I swear, if she falls for him, I'm actually defecting to the enemy."

Later that night, I was standing on the deck, staring dramatically into the clouds, cape billowing.

Konan quietly walked up beside me.

I smirked. "Can't sleep, Angel?"

She looked away. "I… just wanted to ask you something."

I turned to her, grinning. "Let me guess. You wanna know why I kidnapped you?"

She sighed. "No… I… just…" She hesitated before asking, "Why are you like this?"

I chuckled. "Because, babe, I was born to cause problems."

She narrowed her eyes. "You talk like a fool, but you're not stupid. There's a reason behind everything you do."

I shrugged. "Maybe. Or maybe I just like pissing people off."

Konan looked at me, biting her lip again. "I… I should hate you. But for some reason, I… don't."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that… blush I see?"

She immediately turned away, hiding her face. "Shut up."

"Oh my god," Kyoki whispered from the shadows. "She's falling for him."

Tsunade, holding a bottle of sake, slowly looked up. "No. NO. SHE CAN'T."

Anko: "Oh, this is hilarious."

Kurenai: "I've accepted my fate. Might as well enjoy the show."

Nagato, miles away, suddenly felt a deep disturbance in the Force.

"NOOO!!!!"

With every major village hunting me down, I realized something very important.

I had conquered the skies, stolen all the money, kidnapped half the waifus… but I still needed something to solidify my dominance.

So naturally, I turned to Tsunade.

"Babe," I said, grinning. "Let's get married."

Tsunade almost choked on her drink. "Excuse me, what?"

I clapped my hands together. "Think about it! If we get officially married, not only do I secure my legacy, but it also pisses off every single Kage and political leader in the world!"

Anko laughed. "That's honestly genius."

Kyoki: "THAT'S NOT A REASON TO GET MARRIED!"

Konan, blushing: "I… think that's kind of romantic…"

Tsunade sighed, rubbing her forehead. "You're impossible."

I smirked. "Is that a yes?"

She sighed again. "Fine. But if we do this, we're doing it in the Land of Hot Springs."

We arrived at the Land of Hot Springs, which was ironically neutral territory, meaning no village could attack us without causing an international incident.

The wedding was rushed, ridiculous, and absurdly extravagant.

Anko was the drunk bridesmaid.

Kurenai was the reluctant maid of honor.

Mabui and Mei were there just for the chaos.

Kyoki was forced to be the ring bearer.

And Sasuke?

I made him the flower boy.

Sasuke: "I hate my life."

As Tsunade and I stood at the altar, preparing to officially become the most dangerous power couple in history, the Akatsuki, Konoha, Kumo, and half the damn world showed up on the horizon.

Nagato: "STOP THIS WEDDING!"

Raikage: "GIVE ME BACK MY SECRETARY!"

Hiruzen: "RETURN SASUKE AND MY MONEY!"

Me?

I kissed Tsunade right in front of them all.

The ground shook. Nagato collapsed. The Raikage screamed in rage.

Kyoki: "He actually did it. He's actually insane."

I raised my arms in victory.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU—THE STRONGEST UCHIHA-SENJU POWER COUPLE IN HISTORY!"

Tsunade, smirking, cracked her knuckles. "Now, who wants to die first?"