Hands up - This is a robbery

Konoha was enjoying a rare moment of peace. Civilians were bustling through the streets, merchants were yelling about discounts on overpriced shuriken, and Hiruzen Sarutobi was enjoying the one quiet moment of his day with a fresh cup of tea.

And then—

RUMMMMMMBLLLLE!

A shadow loomed over the entire village as the Flying Shin-tanic slowly descended, creaking and leaking chakra like an unstable ticking bomb.

A small child pointed to the sky. "Mommy! Is that a new moon?"

His mother screamed in horror. "NO, SWEETIE! THAT'S A TERRORIST!"

The sky darkened. Alarms blared. ANBU squads scrambled. Konoha's entire shinobi force was suddenly on high alert, staring up at the massive floating, barely functional fortress of doom that had just parked itself directly above the Hokage Monument.

Hiruzen spat out his tea in the most dramatic spit-take in Hokage history.

"Not again..." he muttered, already feeling the onset of another headache.

Danzo, standing nearby, was vibrating with excitement. "Finally! He's back! That means we can take his eyes!"

Hiruzen slowly turned to glare at him. "Danzo, I swear to god—"

Meanwhile, on the Flying Shin-tanic...

I stood at the edge of the deck, cape billowing dramatically in the wind (which was weird because there was no wind). Behind me, Tsunade crossed her arms, visibly exhausted from my nonsense, while Kyoki stood with an expression of pure resignation.

Kyoki sighed. "Shin, please tell me we're not about to commit war crimes."

I gasped, offended. "Kyoki, how dare you?! We're committing tax evasion! There's a difference!"

Shizune, from behind a crate: "THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!"

Ignoring them, I activated my Mangekyo Sharingan and amplified my voice with chakra, booming across the village like the coming of Judgment Day.

"LISTEN UP, KONOHA!"

The entire village went silent.

The civilians started screaming.

ANBU squads leaped into battle positions.

Hiruzen aged another ten years on the spot.

Danzo, whispering: "Yes... finally..."

I pointed dramatically at the Hokage Tower. "BEHOLD, YOUR NEW SKY OVERLORD! I, UCHIHA SHIN, HAVE RETURNED! AND I HAVE A SIMPLE DEMAND!"

Tsunade muttered behind me, "Please don't say something insane."

I smirked. "GIVE ME A BILLION RYO, OR I START BLOWING STUFF UP AGAIN!"

Kyoki facepalmed so hard he saw his ancestors.

Negotiating with an Insane Person! Hiruzen stood on the Hokage Tower, staring at me with the dead eyes of a man who had officially given up on life.

"Shin," he said slowly, rubbing his temples, "that is extortion."

I shrugged. "It's called fundraising."

Danzo chuckled darkly. "Let's kill him and take his eyes."

I raised a finger. "Ah, ah, ah! If you attack, this highly unstable, chakra-leaking, barely functional flying fortress will CRASH INTO KONOHA, CAUSING MORE DAMAGE THAN THE NINE-TAILS!"

The entire village collectively gasped.

A random shinobi: "OH GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Shizune screamed in terror. "SHIN, WE'RE LITERALLY FLYING A BOMB?!"

I coughed awkwardly. "Technically, yes. But let's focus on the ransom—"

"TAKE THAT IDIOT DOWN!" Hiruzen finally snapped.

All hell broke loose.

Konoha vs. The Sky MenaceA squad of ANBU Black Ops launched into the sky, flinging kunai, fireballs, and lightning jutsu at us.

I clapped my hands together. "Alright! Time for some experimental jutsus!"

Kyoki, horrified: "Oh god, not more of your homemade nonsense!"

Jutsu #1 – "Gravity Ain't Real" I activated Reality Rejection and shouted, "BEHOLD! GRAVITY AIN'T REAL NO JUTSU!"

A shockwave of chakra rippled outward, and suddenly—

All the incoming attacks and shinobi… just floated away.

A kunai slowly drifted into space.

One ANBU flailed uselessly mid-air. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

I smirked. "That's right! NO FALL DAMAGE FOR ME, SUCKERS!"

Kyoki muttered, "This isn't a video game, Shin."

Jutsu #2 – "Chidori, but Make it Worse" Kakashi charged at me with a Chidori.

I held up my hand and activated Reality Rejection.

His Chidori disappeared.

Kakashi stumbled forward in confusion. "What the—?"

I smirked. "I REJECT THE REALITY WHERE YOU HAVE JUTSUS!"

The poor man fainted on the spot.

Jutsu #3 – Kidnapping Baby Sasuke While chaos ensued, I suddenly remembered something very important.

"Oh shit, I forgot my little nephew!"

Tsunade, mid-punching an ANBU, froze. "What?"

I vanished in a flicker of movement, straight into the Uchiha District ruins.

There, a tiny, brooding Sasuke sat alone in his house, sad and traumatized.

I kicked the door open.

"Yo, mini-me! Time for a vacation!"

Sasuke screamed. "STRANGER DANGER—"

I shoved a pacifier into his mouth.

"Shhh. Uncle Shin's got you."

Sasuke wriggled violently.

I threw him over my shoulder and teleported back to the ship.

Tsunade stared at me in horror. "YOU KIDNAPPED A CHILD?!"

I grinned, bouncing Sasuke in my arms. "Nah, I rescued him from a life of bad decisions!"

Kyoki screamed, "YOU JUST COMMITTED A FELONY!"

Sasuke glared at me, spitting out the pacifier. "LET ME GO, YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"

I shoved it back in his mouth. "Hush now, emo baby. Uncle Shin's got you."

Back on the Hokage Tower, Hiruzen was actively dying inside.

Danzo looked like he was enjoying himself too much.

"You know what?" Hiruzen said, exasperated. "Fine. Take 500 million ryo and LEAVE!"

I blinked. "Wait. You actually agreed?"

Hiruzen rubbed his temples. "At this point, I'd rather deal with Orochimaru."

Danzo: "Wait, I can still take his—"

Hiruzen: "Shut up, Danzo."

An hour later, 500 million ryo richer, I sat on the deck, counting my money.

Sasuke, now officially kidnapped, glared at me.

Kyoki: "I can't believe that worked."

Shizune: "I can't believe we're still alive."

Tsunade: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STOLE A CHILD."

I smirked. "And that, my friends, is how you do business!"

Sasuke: "I hate you."

I shoved another pacifier in his mouth. "Welcome to the family, kid."

The Aftermath of Grand Theft Baby

Back on the Flying Shin-tanic, I reclined on a throne made of money, grinning as I tossed a handful of freshly stolen Konoha ryo into the air like a jackpot winner in a casino. The wind blew dramatically around me (even though we were indoors, which was weird, but I didn't question it).

Kyoki sat on the floor nearby, head in his hands. "We just committed multiple international crimes."

Shizune was still hyperventilating. "We are officially the most wanted criminals in history! This is not okay!"

Tsunade, arms crossed, stared at me with the fury of a woman who deeply regretted her life choices. "You. Stole. A. Baby."

I grinned, bouncing a very angry baby Sasuke on my lap. "Correction: I rescued a baby. There's a difference."

Sasuke spat out the pacifier for the fifteenth time. "PUT ME DOWN, YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"

I shoved it back in his mouth. "Hush now, emo baby. Let Uncle Shin teach you the ways of chaos."

Kyoki threw his hands up. "You literally kidnapped the future of the Uchiha clan! What are you gonna do next? Steal an entire waifu harem?!"

I gasped, putting a hand to my chest. "Kyoki, you are a genius! That is an excellent idea."

Tsunade immediately punched me in the face.

I rubbed my newly bruised jaw and stood up, dramatically flipping my cloak. "Alright, squad! We have our money, we have our baby Uchiha, Itachi looking for me and Sasugay with with hate boner on, but something's still missing."

Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose. "Please don't say what I think you're about to say."

I smirked. "It's time... to recruit some waifus."

Kyoki looked like he was about to jump off the fortress. "Shin, I swear to all the gods, if you—"

Too late. I vanished in a flicker of speed, teleporting straight back into Konoha.

I landed inside the Hyuga compound like an absolute menace, completely ignoring the fact that the entire village was still on high alert.

My Mangekyo Sharingan flared as I sneaked through the halls, dodging patrolling Hyuga guards with a combination of sheer skill, protagonist plot armor, and absolute audacity.

Finally, I found my target—a young, shy Hinata Hyuga, sitting in a quiet garden, looking adorable as ever.

I emerged from the shadows. "Greetings, small-waifu-to-be of Sasugay chan. Narutocan marry Sakira if he like flat terrain so much."

Hinata screamed.

Before she could react, I gently scooped her up like a grocery bag and teleported away.

Kyoki stared in absolute horror as I placed a kidnapped, blushing, and very confused Hinata next to baby Sasuke.

Tsunade looked like she was one second away from committing a homicide. "SHIN. WHAT. THE. HELL."

I beamed. "Our boy Sasuke needed a childhood friend! This is a long-term investment!"

Sasuke, looking at Hinata: "...I hate you so much."

Hinata: softly crying "W-where am I...?"

Shizune broke down in the background. "THIS IS NOT NORMAL!"

Next, I teleported straight to Konoha's training grounds, where Anko Mitarashi was in the middle of torturing a poor Chunin with her giant-ass snakes.

"YO, ANKO!" I called, landing next to her.

Anko turned, licking her lips. "Shin? You crazy bastard, what the hell do you want?"

I grinned. "How would you like to join my airborne, criminal empire of chaos? We have gambling, explosions, and unlimited snacks."

Anko squinted at me. "Will there be dango?"

I nodded solemnly. "Endless dango."

She stared for exactly three seconds.

Then she grabbed my collar. "I'M IN!"

I teleported away with her immediately.

Kyoki was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Shin. Shin. You cannot just go around stealing women."

Anko bit into a dango stick and shrugged. "Nah, I think it's hilarious. Also, where's the booze?"

Tsunade was seething. "Shin. Stop. Right. Now."

I waved her off. "Relax, babe. I'm just doing what Madara should have done—rebuilding the Uchiha clan the fun way!"

Tsunade punched me through a wall.

Somehow, after regaining consciousness, I teleported straight into Kurenai Yuhi's apartment, where she was casually drinking tea like a normal person.

She looked up, blinked twice, and calmly put her teacup down.

"Shin," she said, "get out of my house."

I grinned. "Join me in the sky, Kurenai! We've got endless entertainment, riches, and questionable life choices!"

She sighed. "Is Tsunade already tired of you?"

"Probably!" I admitted.

She rubbed her temples. "Why are you like this?"

"Because fate made me too powerful and too handsome."

She stared at me.

Then she sighed again. "Fine. But only because I'm sick of Konoha's drama and that stalker Asuma."

"HELL YEAH!" I cheered, grabbing her and teleporting away before she changed her mind.