Chapter-8: My Endless Thoughts of You

Keshav

I lean against my desk, wondering what she was doing. I want to mentally slap myself for not being able to stay away from her. How could I, knowing that she likes me and I like her? No. I love her. No matter how she feels for me, I know I love her more than she loves me. And that's when the fear sneaks in like a snake on the hunt for its snack. The fear that she doesn't like me enough holds me in a tight grip, and I know that I can't let the fear take control over my actions, but I couldn't help myself. I could never help myself when it came to her. I also know that I can't get away from her and the calamity she brings along.

I mindlessly scroll through my phone as I recall our conversation. I took a hot knife in hand and started cutting the polysteel rope. We are using this to keep the tents grounded, but try cutting hundreds of times, and you'll know how it feels to have a potato sack for fingers.

"Why are you so concentrated on cutting a rope?" Aadhira says from somewhere beside me. I don't lift my head so as not to lose a finger in the process, but mostly because if I look at her, I am afraid I have too much to say, and I am not a person who usually talks so much. I have never been this person. This is not me, but this is who I am with Aadhira. I talk too much, get too close, and get too comfortable together. I don't even remember feeling as unguarded as I am now, which only affirms the fact that I am different from her.

It shouldn't be so surprising that I am acting strange when I am around her, considering I am in love with her. It's not even a wonder I fell in love with her. We spent so much time together, and Aadhira, being Aadhira, got my shield down. But all of it still feels like a wonder and a surprise made just for me.

"Because every job deserves attention." I say, still avoiding her gaze.

"And relationships? Do they need attention too?"

I looked up at her at that. In fact, I didn't just look; I jerked back like she slapped me, and it felt like it too. Suddenly, my mind started to go on an overdrive, and I couldn't help thinking if I hurt her by avoiding her. But then again, why do I care? Ha, I love her, and if admitting that in my own mind is this difficult, will I ever be able to tell her? Something tells me it's possible I won't, but I push the thought away.

"Why do you ask?" I ask stupidly, already knowing the answer.

"You see, there is this friend of mine who's in love with a guy. Recently, she's always been gloomy, saying he's avoiding her and that he doesn't want to talk with her anymore. So, I am just thinking, Where could the problem be lying?" she asks.

Doesn't want to talk to her. That's not true. I want to talk to her more than I should and more than I ever did.

"That's not true. Just because you think I am avoiding you doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you."

"What? No. I am not talking about it; I just said it's about a friend. I am talking about Amara." Aadhira says it with a frown.

Dumb. That's who I am. Why do I have to open my mouth when it is comfortably closed? I look around in embarrassment and thank God; Aadhira doesn't say anything else about my idiotic blurt out. She just gives me a smile and continues.

"She is not talking much and is always attached to her phone, like it holds all the answers." I look at her questioningly as to why I am hearing this, and Aadhira shrugs. Naturally, Aadhira loves to talk, and it's a good thing she does because I love hearing her talk and am basically glad that I don't have to say anything. I really don't have to say anything when I am with her. At this point in time, she's the most entertaining thing in my life, except for my parents' divorce, which is also entertaining but not in a good way.

"Ha! By the way, are you coming to the festival?" she asks.

"Nope."

"Why? It is the first event we're going to attend in our four-year college life."

"Not interested. Too noisy."

"Ah, come on. Please, can you make one exception? I really want to enjoy this event with my crush." She smiles in a cheeky way, and I just can't. With that last sentence, how can I say no? But I don't know what it would mean to her for me to go. It means I am acknowledging her feelings for me, but will she think I like her too? Yet I can't convince myself to say no when she just said I am her crush. That's the thing about Aadhira; she's so open about her feelings that I can't help falling in love with her. Every time she tries to flirt, which she does a lot and is also good at, my heart skips and keeps skipping beats. Even now, I can feel my cheeks heating, which is the last thing I want Aadhira to see. So, to avoid any such awkward interaction,

"Fine. I'll see." She gasps with both excitement and surprise, and I was standing there looking at her for probably the millionth time and still feeling like I was seeing her for the first time. She walks into my arms, and before I can even stop, my hands move on their own accord and wrap her in my embrace. This is what I want; this is all I want. The feeling of warmth surrounds my senses as my neckline meets her heavy breaths.

"Thank you. You won't regret it." I can feel her smile gracing my chest. I love you. I say this in the silence of my thoughts.

I blame myself for not taking the chance that day. I wish I knew that day that I would even lose the right to have her in my thoughts.