Chapter-9: Unsaid Words

Aadhira

"One, two, three, four. Five, six, seven, and eight. Come on, let's try it one more time." Amara looks at me pleadingly as I scroll through my phone. Miss. Pandey has been seriously trying to sync the group's steps for fifteen minutes, and as a group member, Amara is stuck with the rest of them. Yes, Amara decided that she couldn't be a boring person her entire life and took upon the task of making us proud by choosing to perform a folk dance for the festival.

Me? I am pretty sure I have had enough of the whole volunteering thing. We received an announcement that we'd have finals after the holidays, so I decided to borrow some books for reference during the holidays.

I spent the rest of the morning with Amara, trying to help her with the rehearsal, and then I joined her in the festival as the performances began. All of our eyes were on the stage, and I failed to notice the person who grabbed the chair beside me, but when a finger taps my shoulder and I turn to my right, I turn to face the chocolate brown eyes of my dreams. My lips automatically form a smile, and my heart soars with excitement.

"You're here," I say.

"Yes. It's not boring, after all." He smiles back. Keshav doesn't hide from me anymore, and the proof of that is blossoming on his face right now. I recognize this smile. This is the smile he gives me every time.

"I remember you saying it's too noisy for you." I tease him.

"Nothing compared to you." I can't help the smile breaking out of my lips, but I keep them firm, trying to pretend annoyance.

"I am noisy." He smiles and just looks at me. It's as if he's there but not there, like he's lost in his own head, and it's been like this for a while. I don't say anything because I know he's going through something. Maybe it's about his parents. But he recovers, and for the rest of the evening, we enjoy the event together. Unfortunately, he puts on the fake personality mask again, as he does in front of everyone else. I guess it is justified. There are so many people here that anyone is bound to feel overwhelmed.

It was around 8:30 p.m., and we were surrounded by masses of bodies dancing as none of them were even looking at the performance on the stage when Keshav's hand slipped into mine and I held it firmly. He drags me out of the crowd, and we walk away from the stage and the music. I give him a questioning look as he glances over his shoulder at me. He just gives me a blink of assurance and a nod before turning back, taking me further away from the crowd.

He takes me towards the lake without saying a word. I stay silent because something tells me it's serious. I wait for him to stop, say something, or do something, but he just walks and walks. Suddenly, he stops, or more like stumbles, on his steps and loses his balance. His shoulders started shaking slightly, and that's when I realized something was wrong. Something is terribly wrong. I immediately walked around to his front. His face is constrained and stuck as if he's holding in extreme pain; his breathing turns heavy; and he loses his balance and falls to the ground.

"Keshav?!" I bend by his side and hold his shoulders. My heart feels weird as panic settles in. It's fear. And I don't know what to do in this situation. Should I call someone? No one will be able to hear it in the noise of the event, and I can't leave him here to get help.

My own breaths grow heavy as I try my best to hold him in place.

"Keshav? Look at me. Look at me." I say, and his eyes turn their focus onto me. But it's as if he can't see me. I shake him a little in tension, trying to get his focus completely on me, but doing so was the wrong idea as he rolls his eyes as if feeling dizzy.

"No. No, you can't scare me like this. Look at me, Keshav." Oh my god, why did I shake him? I am no doctor, and this is serious. What do I do? What do I do? I rub his back as I myself feel the panic taking over. I am afraid.

The world felt heavy on me at that moment, and my mind went completely blank, and I felt utterly helpless. I never felt this helpless. Useless. I closed my eyes to get myself some inner strength, but there was none found.

"Uh!" A huff of pain leaves Keshav's lips, and my heart stops. Shit, he'll be hurt. Because of me. Because of my stupidity. Because I didn't know what to do, he will face the consequences.

Completely helpless. Completely, before I could even finish the thought, a warm hand covered mine in reassurance. My whole body comes alive as a strong feeling of thankfulness washes over me. Someone's here. Help.

"Help. Please, he fell down suddenly. I don't know what to do. Please-" The hand rubs Keshav's back, holding mine, making me silent.

"Everything's going to be okay." The man says this in assurance. "First, don't panic. And then, hold his hands together and make him look at something, anything, and encourage him to concentrate on his sight."

My body was on the move before I even contemplated what he said. I sit before Keshav, holding his hands in mine.

"Keshav. Keshav, Look here. Look at me." Again, he looks at me, but as if he can't see me.

"Encourage him to concentrate," the voice of the man says. "What does he like to do? Any hobbies?"

"He likes to study," I say stupidly.

"Not that. We can't possibly make him read anything right now, can we? Anything else?"

I don't know. The moment I realize that I don't even know his hobbies, reality hits me. What did I do in the past few months if I didn't even know this much about him?

"I don't know," the words leave me in a helpless tone. The man looks at me, and, in the light, I recognize his face. Vedhansh. He looks at me strangely, but my mind is everywhere right now. So, I look away. I feel ashamed for some reason that I don't know this about Keshav. He is the guy I like, for god's sake.

"Okay, then sing something. Music is a good distraction from panic attacks." Panic attack. That's what Keshav's experiencing. I closed my eyes and started humming my favorite song, 'Lag ja gale'.

"Now, massage his hands. I'll take care of his shoulders. And please open your eyes; make him look at you. Looking at a familiar face helps."

I slowly open my eyes and look at Keshav as Vansh presses his hands on his shoulders. We continue to do the same until Keshav's breathing slows and evens out. I felt at ease after that. The fear subsides as Keshav calms down. My heartbeat gets normal too, yet I don't let go of Keshav's hands, or maybe he's the one holding them. I don't know when I closed my eyes, but when I opened them, I was still holding Keshav's hands, but his shoulders were empty. My eyes search for Vansh. I need to thank him because I know well enough that I couldn't have handled any of this. But the man of the hour is nowhere to be found. I smile for the first time in the past. God knows how long it has been since Keshav started having the attack, as I realize this is something I imagine Vansh doing. Helping someone and slipping away like a thief.

"Why are you smiling?" Keshav's finally coming to his senses. I move to sit beside him in the grass.

"Nothing. I am just happy you are okay."

"I am sorry. You must have been scared. It was so noisy there, and I don't know why I panicked. I just couldn't hold it in anymore." I watch as Keshav struggles to catch his thoughts. I sit there watching as a strange feeling of something good takes place in my core. I got him to feel better, and even though I have had help in doing so, I did my part, and I am happy about it. It's strange how good you feel after doing something equally good. But I need to be ready for anything. At least when it comes to Keshav, anything is possible. I can't expect him to be normal. In fact, his being abnormal is what makes me interested in him.

Next time, I cannot let my panic control me, and I need to learn to be calm in stressful situations. Keshav always keeps his cool, but when he crumbles, I need to be strong for both of us.

"It's fine. I handled it, okay?" He looks at me with something different in his eyes and smiles very lightly; just the corners of his mouth raise a bit.

"I knew you would." Keshav Harshvardhan trusts me. That was what he said without actually saying it. That is why he took my hand and brought me out, and that is why he's smiling because he was proven right. It's right to trust me. At that, I smile back, and again, we don't say the words. Three beautiful words that we had several chances to say were still unsaid. We gazed at the stars, held hands, and laid side by side without naming this connection or taking the chance at love. But that's the thing about hiding feelings—if you can't say it a million times, you'll never do it.