Chapter 15

It was a bright day at the start of Summer.

The blooming season has ended, leaving many withered petals on the ground, creating brownish flower beds all over the pathways. Despite the sun dancing above the head, it still hasn’t fully blasted its hot flame across the earth; thus, it’s safe for many people to bask under its intense light. Though, no matter how comfortable and safe the sunlight is, for Eiharu, there is still not enough reason for him to stay outdoors for more than necessary.

In the cafe he recently visited with Hakaru, Eiharu hung his head low, avoiding eye contact with other customers. At this hour, on a weekday, few people are taking the empty tables around him. Soft music playing in the background easily dims the voices of people conversing into inaudible murmurs. He can hear the loud sound from the kitchen, as the room is always busy preparing orders.

“So… how are you?”

Eiharu raises his gaze slightly. Across the table, Kanryou is sitting with a cup of coffee in hand, sipping gracefully and inhaling to sniff the sweet aroma. And Eiharu observes his movement attentively for unknown reasons.

“...good,” Eiharu replies after a while, unsure of what to say. “And you?”

“Busy with work, but I’m good.” Kanryou smiles slightly. “What do you do?”

“As… what? Occupation, or…?”

“Yes, what are you working at? Seishichi-san--your mother, I mean--told me you made lunchboxes for the nurses in your free time.”

Eiharu involuntarily squints his eyes. “She said that?”

“Not quoting the exact words, but yes.”

Eiharu is still squinting. “...well, yeah. I did that often.”

“So you’re a cook?”

“No, I don’t want to become one.”

“I see.” Kanryou pounders slightly. “What else?”

Eiharu doesn’t give an immediate answer. He can guess what Kanryou is trying to ask, but he isn’t sure how far Kanryou’s understanding of what he is doing for a living.

“I’m… a web designer.”

“Oh?” Kanryou’s eyes lighten up. “I see. Are you freelancing or…?”

“In a start-up company.”

“Oh, interesting.” Kanryou chuckles. “Actually, your mother once mentioned it, but I didn’t understand what she meant.”

“What did she say?”

“Something about sitting in front of the computer screen glaring at a bunch of boxes.”

Eiharu sighs. “She acts like an ancient being who never touches the internet.”

“Is she? I don’t think she is that clueless.”

“It means she just doesn’t care to understand.” Eiharu looks away. “I figured that long ago.”

Kanryou takes the chance to observe Eiharu. It’s hard for him to see any resemblance between the Eiharu in front of him and the past image of Eiharu he vaguely remembers. A decade isn’t a short time. He has met so many people that he lost count, especially in his work, where people come and go.

If there is anything Kanryou found that hasn’t changed in Eiharu, maybe the unfriendly aura surrounding him, protecting him. It feels the same as back then, though seemingly less thorny.

“Truthfully, I’m not particularly close with Seishichi-san,” Kanryou breaks the momentary silence. “We worked together taking care of a critical patient when I recently joined, and she helped me understand how the hospital works.”

“Is that so?”

“She is really patient and caring. Towards me, a newcomer, she never shows any sign of… annoyance while showing me the rope.”

“Mm, I can see that. She’s always like that with other people.”

“And I guess she is a good mother to you too?”

Eiharu’s eyes shift. He doesn’t respond. Since Eiharu seems like he won’t say anything, Kanryou continues,

“And only recently I heard about you. She was unwilling to speak at first, so I didn’t ask. But maybe because I kept appearing at unfavorable moments, she had no choice but to tell me a few things.”

“Like what?”

“Like how you helped her a lot by preparing her lunch, how she wants you to go out more, something like that.”

Eiharu raises his gaze again. Kanryou could see the blatant distrust in Eiharu’s eyes and somehow expected the response. It happened in the past, too, though Kanryou had already forgotten what event led to that moment. And he just lets Eiharu observe him more.

“Knowing her, she probably said bad stuff about me more than that.”

“Not really.”

“I’m sure she said I speak rudely and crudely.”

“Well…”

“She’s not wrong, so don’t think she lies to you about it.”

Kanryou smiles a bit. “I won’t deny it, but… honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I previously thought.”

Eiharu squints again. “You think I’m like that?”

“Forgive me in advance, but I thought you were a NEET. And I simply imagine what a stereotype of a NEET would be.”

Eiharu ponders, then nods in agreement. “Yeah, I can see that.”

“You’re not angry?”

Eiharu shakes his head. “Many people have considered me a NEET since I was… younger. I’m used to it.”

“Ah… yeah. You are not one, though. You have a job.”

“Which only happened recently.” Eiharu shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. “Have your view about me changed, then?”

“Considerably, yes.” Seeing Eiharu’s body gestures have relaxed more, Kanryou decides to relax as well. “Nothing works better than getting to know you myself than hearing stories, and I’m glad you agreed to this meeting.”

“You make it sound so… I don’t know, formal.”

“Haha, sorry. It becomes a habit. I rarely hang out with friends thanks to my schedule, so I guess I have become uptight.”

“I thought someone like you would… have so many friends to hang out with.”

“I wouldn’t say that. Maybe if I try to reach out to them more, but I don’t. When I have some days off, I usually chill in my own apartment.”

“Sounds fun.”

“You think so?” Kanryou chuckles. “Then you’re welcome to visit anytime you want.”

“Even when you aren’t home?”

Kanryou ponders for a moment. “As long as you promise not to make a mess, I guess?”

“I hope you don’t let any strangers into your house that easily.”

“Oh, I don’t. But… we’re no strangers anymore, weren’t we?”

“...we’re not?”

“Are we?”

Eiharu can’t answer that. This is their first meeting after a decade, and even back then, he wouldn’t consider him close to Kanryou. While Eiharu won’t deny his attraction, it’s still not enough reason to invite him that easily.

“...I don’t know. We’re not close yet.”

“Ah, you’re right.” Kanryou chuckles. “We gotta start from that again, huh?”

“What do you mean, again?”

“Well… I have confirmed my speculation with your mother once, so…”

Kanryou lets his words trailed off. While Eiharu’s eyes are still on him, looking undisturbed and calm, Eiharu’s heartbeat is the opposite. It thumps loud and fast, panicking, pondering. Wondering.

-What? What did you confirm?-

The memory of the past surges inside Eiharu’s head, playing the record at an incredible speed like a broken tape. As if the time around him had stopped completely, Eiharu could no longer hear Kanryou’s voice nor the buzzing sound from his surroundings, preoccupied with his own thoughts enveloped in unreasonable fears. Those days Eiharu never wanted to recall have resurfaced so fast, so close, so real, it sends a shiver into his spine and freezes him on the spot. He almost can feel nor hear anything else.

Kanryou is still speaking when he notices Eiharu’s eyes turning bloodshot. The rigid sitting posture and freezing up like a statue; are signs of panic attack that most people overlook.

“Seishichi-san?” But Eiharu remains still, not looking at Kanryou, though his gaze is still on him. “SSeishichi-san.”

Kanryou leans forward and reaches out, carefully touching Eiharu’s arm. A second passed, two seconds, three seconds, before Eiharu’s irises slightly shifted.

“What?” Eiharu’s tone sounds cold and annoyed, though he didn’t mean to sound rude. He is scared, not annoyed.

“Ah, sorry.” Kanryou completely misunderstood and immediately retreated his hand. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, just… you looked rather unwell. I’m worried.”

Eiharu lowers his gaze. He doesn’t know how long his mind wanders, but it feels longer than it should. The minutes his mind spent recalling the bad memories almost stopped his heart from working properly--or did it?

“...no, sorry. Don’t apologize.” Eiharu shakes his head. “Not your fault. I was… I just… I remembered things I don’t want to, that’s all.”

Kanryou stares at him. Good memories, bad memories, and how they resurface into one’s mind at random moments mean an unconscious trigger has caused it.

“I don’t mean to speak… like that.” Eiharu still has his head low. “Sorry.”

“Seishichi-san, have we met before?”

“No.”

Silence. Eiharu replies to the question too quick; the lies become too apparent. And Eiharu knows his lie busted right after he spewed it. Yet, Kanryou says nothing to retort, making the silence too uncomfortable for Eiharu.

“...maybe,” Eiharu adds more to avoid further uncomfortable silence. “Who knows?”

Eiharu’s solemn expression doesn’t pass Kanryou’s observation. He involuntarily recalls how, in the past, Eiharu made the same expression often when he felt cornered. Kanryou tended to ask people many questions to keep the conversation going, and Eiharu wasn’t an exception. However, in their limited conversation, Eiharu showed that expression a lot, as if he didn’t want to be asked, yet didn’t know how to say no. The frown, pursed lips, and body shifts were all the same.

“I am an alumnus from R High School.” Kanryou suddenly says. “I was a part of the health committee and spent my time in the infirmary helping the school doctor. There, I met an upperclassman who always occupied the foremost bed.”

Eiharu fidgets uncomfortably, but he doesn’t stop Kanryou from talking. Kanryou makes a short stop as he speaks to see how Eiharu would react, but seeing Eiharu make no gesture of cutting him, he decides to keep on with his story.

“One day, I had the chance to speak to that upperclassman. Though timid and looked defensive towards people, he was a nice guy. He was startled when I first reached out to him, but I guess I was being too direct, so it’s understandable. However, I enjoyed our short talks whenever the chance arose.

Unfortunately, when I thought I had made a new friend, he suddenly stopped attending school. I asked around, I asked the teachers, but no one told me what happened. I only heard there were troubles at home, and it was decided he better change school. Since I didn’t have his contact information, I couldn’t confirm what happened to him. He just disappeared like that; he didn't even tell me beforehand about him leaving.

“Honestly, I was upset because he left without words, but… maybe it was better for him. I could only pray for him if he were happier that way.” Kanryou inhales deeply, eyes still locked on Eiharu. “Was that upperclassman… you?”

Eiharu’s hands formed fists under the table. His fingers and toes turned cold since Kanryou started his story. The sweat rolled down on his back despite the air conditioner working perfectly.

“Seishichi-san, you remember me, don’t you?”

Eiharu shakes his head instinctively, though he regrets it immediately. There is no point in denying it anymore; Kanryou said he confirmed the fact with Haruna first. While Eiharu believes Haruna will stay quiet about the truth, Eiharu indeed attended the same high school--this part isn’t a secret. Haruna had no reason to hide it.

“Sorry,” Eiharu’s voice barely a whisper, “I… remember you.”

“I see.” Kanryou smiles in relief, though Eiharu can’t see it. “You’re cruel, Senpai. How could you just leave?”

Eiharu lowers his head even more. “Sorry…”

“Don’t be. I’m not even mad.” Kanryou’s gaze softens, though, again, Eiharu can’t see it with his head hung low. “How are you now?”

“...better.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“I had… no reason to say anything.”

“If things were as bad as the teachers told me, I guess it couldn’t be helped. I was just worried.”

“Thank you.” EIharu raises his gaze a bit. “And… what did the teachers say about me?”

“Nothing.” Kanryou shakes his head regrettably. “Aside from you having troubles at home, nothing at all. Not even about the kind of problem you were facing. I mean, I understand it was your family’s privacy, but I couldn’t help but hope for real news. Yet, I didn’t even have your number.”

Eiharu keeps silent. The days when his document was forfeited were a blur in his memory. He only remembered the smell of bitter medicine in the hospital room he stayed in, the sound of Haruna’s cries at night, and the dull pain that numbed his senses. His consciousness was afloat for a while as he refused to accept the reality that… he was still alive.

Eiharu involuntarily touches the scar around his wrist. His fingers turned cold once again as the memory resurfaced.

-“Don’t you know, Yukisada-kun? He likes you.”-

That was the start.

Eiharu kept his feelings close to his heart, but he is so, so gullible towards kindness. Kanryou probably offered his hand without much thought, but for Eiharu, it was the only thing he could hold onto. He cherished Kanryou’s kindness too much, which showed right on his face. Even though he promised to keep his feelings secret until he dies, someone still notices the flower blooming in his heart.

-“Isn’t it amazing to have someone willing to protect you and receive nothing in return?”-

In short, Toshiya accused him of being a leecher. A burden. A damsel in distress who could only wait for someone to save him.

Eiharu wouldn’t deny it; he is fully aware of his weakness. He never tried to stand up for himself because he knew he would lose. However, he never wanted to be a burden for someone else. Rather than having others protect him from Toshiya, he would rather bear it alone. Even if the whole world is against him, he could endure it. But if others ended up receiving the same treatment because of him….

-“Senpai isn’t as shallow as you perceived him.”-

Eiharu still remembers the exact words Kanryou said that day. He remembers feeling heartbroken. He remembers how his chest stung, how his breath momentarily halted.

What Kanryou said was probably to protect him from further humiliation. However, regarding Toshiya’s insult, whatever was said to retort would become another bullet. Eiharu wasn’t ready to hear the rejection, let alone whatever Toshiya said in response. He couldn’t hear anything; his dark thoughts blocked his ears. When he came to, he was already on the verge of lashing out, having Kanryou stopped him from nearly attacking Toshiya.

Eiharu’s world tilted south from that moment on--no, his world was completely turned upside down. His young soul wasn’t strong enough to deal with them. What he could think of was ending it. End everything.

End.

Everything.

“Seishichi-san.”

Eiharu’s body jolts and turns rigid. The cold sweat rolled down his temple, back, and throat, drenching him in a familiar, uncomfortable heat he had countlessly experienced. Kanryou’s hand firmly held his arm, looking at him with blatant worry despite the composure.

“Breathe, Seishichi-san.”

Eiharu didn’t notice how long he had been holding his breath. His lungs burn inside his ribcage, protesting for air. The fast and heavy inhales he does, the shaky exhale, the freezing fingers entwined with each other, and the shiver spreading out all over his being…

Kanryou’s big hand envelopes Eiharu’s cold ones, sharing the heat to ease the freeze. Eiharu’s gaze locked on how their hands were now entwined, in a daze, head too muzzled to function properly.

“Excuse me, Sir… do you need help?”

Seeing how Kanryou was on his knees holding Eiharu’s hand, the waitress couldn’t help but approach them. Kanryou gestures for the waitress to let them be without words, assuring her he could handle it. Albeit hesitant momentarily, the young lady retreats, looking equally worried.

Kanryou waits a few more seconds before his other hand rubs Eiharu’s arm to soothe the other man. With his head hung, Eiharu’s solemn expression becomes more dreadful. His bloodshot eyes are a bit teary, a natural bodily reaction. Kanryou hopes Eiharu understands that and doesn’t think badly of himself for almost crying in public.

For the following minutes, Kanryou does nothing besides holding Eiharu’s cold fingers and rubbing his arm. He says not a single thing at all, just physically exists. And honestly, he didn’t think a little talk about the past would shake Eiharu that badly. The unsolved issues are more profound than he previously thought. And if his guess is correct, it is connected to Toshiya.

-I can’t let them meet-

For both Eiharu and Toshiya showing up probably means fate. And Kanryou is willing to challenge fate to stop the two from seeing each other again.