Chapter 16

Eiharu took around fifteen minutes to control his emotions and calm himself. But for him, it was much longer than that. The other customers taking the next table had changed, and he didn’t notice when it happened. The waiters walk back and forth, bringing the orders, cleaning the tables, just doing their jobs as usual, but something that Eiharu needs to get ahold of the reality. So, his eyes have been glued to these people since the whole ordeal.

Across the table, Kanryou sips his already cold coffee while observing Eiharu. From how Eiharu shifts in his seat, he doesn’t look panicking anymore, though he still needs more time to calm down. Kanryou, patiently waiting and watching him from the sidelines, takes the chance to study Eiharu’s behavior at a close distance. It’s interesting to see how Eiharu’s gestures changed. Normally, when someone is distressed, their body language becomes irregular and erratic. Even though not all people enter a maniac state in panic, the restless shift is the most common sign. However, Eiharu is the opposite. The more he feels cornered and endangered, the less he moves. It’s like how a small prey pretends to be dead in front of a predator.

-It’s even more dangerous because these kinds of people are unable to cry out for help-

Unfortunately, many people behave like Eiharu are mostly out of touch because their distress is unnoticeable. They didn’t ask for help nor accept any help. They can’t. They don’t know how to. And soon enough, things become irreparable.

As a medical personnel, Kanryou is aware of how society perceives mental illness. Even people from his field, especially from older generations, mostly belittle patients with mental illness. It’s such a shame how his fellow health workers behave that way, but he can’t change people, especially if they don’t want to change. That’s why he wants to be the one who understands other’s struggles. If the rest of the doctors can’t, at least he alone will.

This is their first meeting in a decade, and Kanryou can conclude many things. When Kanryou thinks back to how Eiharu has dealt with his distress since he was young, he is both amazed and sorry. He is amazed because Eiharu is strong enough to endure it this long, and sorry because he couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be.

“I…” Eiharu’s voice snaps Kanryou back from his wandering thought, “I’m fine now. Thanks. And sorry.”

“Please don’t be.” Kanryou shakes his head. “Instead, I should be the one apologizing. Sorry, I make you recall unpleasant things.”

Eiharu inhales lightly. He feels awkward and guilty. Whether it was the past or present, he still acts the same in front of Kanryou. Kanryou’s understanding response to his behavior burdens him the same amount, albeit the relief is also there.

Not knowing what he should say, Eiharu hesitantly nods. He lets Kanryou interpret his gesture however he wants.

“That being said, I’m glad we see each other again. It feels like… we’re given a second chance to reconnect.”

Eiharu raises his head. “We didn’t talk much in the past.”

“I know, and I regret it. If I knew things would turn that way, I would approach you much sooner and befriend you longer.”

“I…”

“Ah… but you back then didn’t want to.” Kanryou chuckles. “I was being too forward, wasn’t I?”

“I wasn’t used to people, so… It’s true that I thought of you as annoying.”

“Yes, I can see that. Back then, I was too naive and inconsiderate. I wasn’t aware you dislike being approached. I thought you were just grumpy.”

“Grumpy, huh… Yes, I was super grumpy. And unfriendly.” The corner of Eiharu’s lips curved, but his smile looked ironic. “I was always hated. I think I still am.”

Kanryou looks at him with an unreadable expression. He doesn’t want to make Eiharu recall more things, so he doesn’t want to venture into the past too much. Besides, it’s not important for Kanryou. He cherishes the present and thinks of the past as a personal experience. Learn for it, and prepare yourself for the future. You can do better, but don’t regret your past choice too much. That’s why it’s hard for him to understand someone like Eiharu, who couldn’t let go of his past.

“Be at is may; I never hate you even once.” Kanryou leans on his seat. “You are not the kindest person I ever met, but you’re not a bastard either. You don’t have to be kind to be my friend.”

“What kind of person deserves to be your friend, then?”

“Hmm… the kind of people I want to befriend with.”

Eiharu raises an eyebrow. “Elaborate.”

“I mean… kind and evil is subjective. You can be kind to me but evil to others, and I will still think of you as kind. Does that make me an evil person in other’s eyes?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Mm, you wouldn’t know. And it’s not important. I want us to be friends, and that’s it. Your personality doesn’t matter. Ah, I hate bullies, though. That’s the only thing I won’t accept.”

“Is… that so.”

“You look confused.”

Eiharu averts his gaze. “Kind of.”

“In other words, you don’t have to worry about how people perceive you. I believe in my judgment more than others. And so far, I still found nothing hateful about you even when you think you are one.”

“It’s because you don’t know what kind of person I am.”

“In that case, let me get to know you better. Let me see you in many moments. When you’re happy or sad, when you’re sick and healthy, show me. Give me a chance to decide whether you and I are a good match.”

Eiharu bites his lips. Kanryou’s words remind him of what Hakaru had said before. Eiharu didn’t give himself and Kanryou a chance to get close. When they met again, all Eiharu thought about was hiding, hoping Kanryou would never remember him, as he could only think about the awful things.

“I am… giving you the benefit of the doubt.” Eiharu inhales shakily; he starts getting anxious again. “If turns out I’m… not as good as you previously thought.”

“People changed over time, Seishichi-san, even though not all changes are that significant. We had a decade's gap between us, and it wasn’t a short time. I didn’t know you enough or know you more than I remembered. My memory of you is insignificant now. And I’m sure you think the same way.

“That’s why… let’s leave our memories as they were. We were young and naive, but we have matured now. Our sight is different compared to back then. If you still have hard feelings about me, then let me apologize for my past actions. At the same time, I already forgive the mistakes you thought you made. Right now, I simply want to have a new relationship with you without our past restricting us. Can you do it?”

What Kanryou said is plausible; Eiharu thought the same when he pondered about meeting Kanryou again. They both have matured compared to the past. What’s left in Eiharu’s memory is an old memory. He needs to stop getting hung up.

“...sorry.”

“You know, I dislike hearing an apology. I don’t need to hear the word, just show me the result of your self-reflection. So, please don’t apologize too much.”

Eiharu involuntarily wants to say sorry by impulse, but he stops his mouth before the words slip out. It surprised him how he and Kanryou had the same view about apology.

“...okay.”

“Though… I guess the topic is too heavy for a first meeting. I didn’t mean to blabber like this.” Kanryou sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know what comes into my head.”

“But… I agree with you. It’s just… hard for me to respond instantly.”

“Naturally, I understand. But I hope I don’t offend you.”

EIharu shakes his head. “More like, I’m surprised because our line of thinking is quite matched.”

“Really?”

Eiharu nods. “I can’t word it well, but if I can, I would say it exactly as you did.”

“Oh… I’m glad.” Kanryou smiles happily. “Does it mean we have a mutual understanding?”

“Technically speaking… yes.” Eiharu inhales deeply. His gesture is still uncomfortable. “Though… talking about it out loud still…”

“Makes you nervous?”

“Mm.”

“I can understand that. This is also a confrontation for you, eh?”

“At the very least, I don’t feel… cornered.” Eiharu raises his gaze. “It’s not like I never want to talk, just… hard.”

Kanryou nods his head in acknowledgement. “It’s good enough that you are willing to listen. Rather than speaking out your mind, I think listening without the urge to cut through is harder to do.”

“Maybe because I’m used to listening rather than talking. For me, the latter is harder.”

“Ah, is that so? Well, I will listen if you’re willing to talk to me. Whatever it is.”

Eiharu tilts his head a bit. He heard those words a lot, but he never bothers to accept the offer because it’s usually a mere talk. No one wants to hear other people’s problems unless to mock them behind their backs, so Eiharu wouldn’t even give them a chance. He doesn’t need other’s help to badmouth himself.

Since Eiharu says nothing, Kanryou decides not to pursue the matter.

“Come to think of it, I rarely visit this area. How about you, Seishichi-san?”

“I live around here, but… I don’t think I know much.”

“Shall we take a short walk around? If you’re not tired.”

Their cups are emptied, and Eiharu feels guilty if they stay too long without reordering. With that offer, Kanryou hints that he wants to move location, so EIharu has no choice but to follow along. It’s not like he doesn’t want to move somewhere else, but he thinks it will be awkward. He hopes it won’t.

“Do you usually stroll around, Seinshichi-san?”

“Well… not too often.”

“I see. As for me, I love doing this when I have nothing to do. Most of the time, the air refreshes my mind even though I don’t particularly seek refreshment.”

“Mm.”

“When you feel suffocated after staying indoor for too long, it’s good to go out even if you just sit on your front porch.”

“Mm.”

“Even better if you exercise lightly.” Kanryou smiles. “I know you don’t exercise well, but it’s good if you do.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You’re fine under the sun, right?”

Eiharu stares at the sky. “Well… it’s not officially summer yet.”

“But the air feels dry enough. Make sure you stay hydrate.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

Kanryou chuckles. “It’s like we’re on a date, aren’t we?”

Eiharu involuntarily glances at him. “Do you like guys?”

“Girls, guys, if I love them, then their gender doesn’t matter.”

Kanryou rejected him in the past. It’s natural if Kanryou’s sexual preference is like any other good guy out there. After all, Eiharu is the one being abnormal. Kanryou’s orientation didn’t cause his distress, but the humiliation of being found out.

-Then again… it wasn’t like he rejected the non-existent love’s confession. He just said I wasn’t the kind of guy that bastard perceived me-

For real, Kanryou didn’t look surprised back then. He was just simply annoyed. He always made that face in front of Toshiya.

“Say, you… uh… do you remember back then when… um…”

“Yes?”

“The last time we spoke…”

Kanryou gives Eiharu an unreadable look. “About what that guy said?”

“Yeah…”

“I don’t particularly remember his exact words, but I remember he was badmouthing you, and I got so annoyed.”

“Do you remember what you said in retort?”

“No.”

“Not at all?”

“I remember I told him off.”

Eiharu fell silent. Back then, when the three of them existed in the same room, Kanryou would openly show his distaste towards whatever Toshiya said. While doing so, he also protected Eiharu from further slander. Not once or twice Kanryou cut Toshiya’s words. He sometimes didn’t even fully hear it and just shut Toshiya off. No wonder Kanryou doesn’t remember all the talk and emotion they had in that situation.

Eiharu wonders why he was so easily irritated and influenced. He believed he wasn’t naive enough to swallow all the bad stuff directly and indirectly said about him. But he wasn’t strong enough to keep his ears closed.

-I was young, after all. And school wasn’t my only problem back then-

Eiharu kept things in his heart no matter how big. His young soul wasn’t broad enough to hide everything. He didn’t have anyone to share his story with. He didn’t have someone to vent. He wasn’t allowed to look troubled; he needed to be considered and big-hearted. He didn’t have the luxury to breathe and rethink for five seconds.

-If only I took five seconds to stop and think, I wouldn’t have my mind stuffed with shit-

Or so he believed. But he knows better now; even if he had that time, he was too young to accept that he wasn’t normal. He was sick in his mind, and other people couldn’t--wouldn’t, understand his struggle dealing with the nasty voices in his head.

-I was emotional, but all teenagers have that phase-

Yet, teenage Eiharu thought the world was being unfair for mistreating him. He thought he deserved better. He believed he deserved good things like his classmates had; a loving family, a warm house, and good friends. He didn’t have any.

-The world is never fair-

Eiharu glances at Kanryou. Kanryou is also someone he envies the most. And he dares to bet Haruna wishes to have someone like Kanryou as a son instead of him.