Chapter 11

( Lucas ★ ) - (song for this chapter romantic homicide)

The next morning, I woke up and was completely tired and sleepy. I was pretty scared as well… I was wondering if a mental hospital was as bad as they showed us in the movies. I wear my long-sleeve sweater because I can't let them see my scars and burns… I knew this place was to help me and other people to heal but… In my case, this place is proof to everyone that I'm okay. Even if I wasn't. 

I ate breakfast and started petting Felix for the last time in a whole week. Sally promised to take care of him when I was away. I was nervous but decided to think positive and ignore all the bad thoughts I had, after a while Sally arrived. When she saw me she went for a hug immediately like we always did, but this time it was different… it was like a last hug…she hugged me with a strong grip…her eyes were full of tears. She was trying to not look me in the eyes so she wouldn't cry… I was trying my best to smile so she would feel that it was okay and I would be back soon… Sally said in a quiet voice looking at the floor: " I'll miss you… a-are you ready or do you need to do anything before we go?"… I got my backpack and said: " Yes little bunny, I'm ready". When I said little bunny she blushed and then gave me a little smile.

We walked into her car, I sat in the passenger seat and she sat in the driver's seat. The way to the hospital was long…at the same time, I didn't want it to end. Sally was also quiet. We stopped at a red light, I was looking out the window and laying my head against it. I was scared and nervous because I never got to a regular hospital… I was too poor to afford it… so being in a mental hospital was a scary experience for me…I was sure that Sally felt my nervousness, she held my hand as she had her other hand on the steering wheel and said: "It's going to be okay, you're brave okay?" I smiled at her and felt some peace in my heart. I was thankful because Sally was by my side during this hard time…

We finally arrived at the hospital and it was time to say goodbye to Sally…her eyes were full of tears and she was trying not to cry and to stay strong in front of me. I knew she would cry after I got in and I didn't want her to cry alone so I hugged her, I put her head on my chest and felt her warm tears on my chest as I hugged her closer. I kept telling her it was okay as she hugged me tighter and cried nonstop… Sally had no friends or family in this city…she only had me and I think that is what broke her the most… I felt my heart shattered as her warm tears fell on my sweater …after some minutes she squeezed me and then let go of me. She wiped her tears and said: "take care of yourself, I'll miss you a lot, okay"…. I kissed her on the forehead and then got out of the car … I waved at her and then grabbed my backpack and got into the hospital for a big challenge…to prove everyone wrong.

When I checked in, a kind welcoming nurse asked me about my name and why I was here. I talked with a big smile and gave her the details she asked about. After that, they checked my suitcase for anything that could injure me…the nurse saw a pack of cigarettes and was kind of shocked, she asked in a calm voice: " do you smoke young man?" I was nervous to answer because I knew anything I would say they would take against me…I answered the nurse with a quiet voice: "yes I do but not always"…. I lied, I smoked nearly every day… I was rubbing my hands against each other to comfort myself.

The nurse's name was Iris. She was a lady in her thirties, and her face had a warm smile but…I was still uncomfortable. After she saw the pack of cigarettes in my bag she smiled at me and took it, she then threw it in the garbage and said: " Maybe I'm not allowed to do this but ,you won't need it anymore, I believe in you". I smiled and looked at the floor, I put my hands in my pockets and tried to not look Iris in the eyes…Iris put her hand on my shoulder and said: " Hey it's going to be okay, you don't have to be scared, you are here to feel safe and mostly we are here to protect you from yourself"…I gave her a small smile and said: " I'm sorry, I'm just scared and not used to hospitals"…Iris smiled at me and then said: "It's okay Lucas, we will have to take away your phone though but I'll give you ten minutes to text any friend or family and tell them you won't be able to talk for a few days". I nodded and immediately thought about Sally, I sent her the following message: " Hey sweetie, hope you are okay I just wanted to tell you that I won't be able to talk to you because they have to take away my phone for safety purposes, I want to tell you that I love you to the moon and back and that I'll think about you every second of the day and I want you to hug the sweater every time you miss me and I will also hug your sweater when I need it. And I also want you to not cry when I'm not with you because you are really strong and too pretty to cry, I love you so much baby, and don't forget to feed Felix".

I wrote this message and took a deep breath…I was ready for this hospital. I gave Iris my phone and walked with her to my hospital room. When we got in the room Iris left me to get comfortable in my room…. the room was white, and in the corner of the room there was a bed…the bed was also white. The room had a wardrobe, but it didn't have a clothes hanger. I sat on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath. After some minutes Iris walked in and said: "Lucas, we don't have any medical information about you so do you mind if we check you up?". I was nervous about if they were going to ask me why because I wouldn't answer their questions…no one should know about what happened to me… The only one who knew was Sally and I won't let anyone else know…I looked at Iris and smiled, I said in a calm voice: "Sure, no problem". I then stood up and grabbed Sally's sweater, I was worried about them finding out my past or about my self-harm…

Me and Iris walked into another room for a checkup, she started by checking on my weight. I was sure it was low because of my eating issues… And as I assumed, Iris said: "oh my god, you are really underweight. At your age, you should be much more than this, if I may ask you how much do you eat a day?". I wasn't sure how to answer but I decided to tell her the truth: " ummm…I eat one meal and then just drink water and smoke the rest of the day"….she looked at me with a normal face like she was expecting what I said… she smiled at me and said: " that's okay, I'm here to help you so you shouldn't be ashamed of it and I totally understand you ,okay?"…I nodded and hugged Sally's sweater closer to my chest and took a deep breath, something inside of me was uncomfortable…even though Iris was a kind lady…I looked at the floor trying not to cry when Iris came closer and put her hand on my shoulder and said: "it's okay don't worry everything it's okay now"…I took a deep breath and smiled at Iris, Iris asked me in a calm voice: "can I check your breathing?". I nodded again and tried to be calm. She took the stethoscope and told me to take a deep breath, I did as she said. She smiled at me and said: "well… I think you may have some trouble with your Breathing….but it's probably because you smoke but we will help you to get out of this bad habit". She smiled at me and I smiled back at her.

Iris and I Stayed silent for some moments, we did some more check-ups and then went back to my room. Iris was looking at me in a different way than before, the look was like a mom looking sad at her sick son…I looked at Iris and asked: " hey are you okay?"… She responded with tears in her eyes: "It's my job to take care of you, not the opposite…I'm okay". I said in a calm voice: "if you are open with me I will open to you as well"… She looked at me and started crying: "y-o- one of the reasons I work here is because of my teenage son…h-he got depressed because of bullying in school and then…. He took his own life, you just reminded me of him". I got up and hugged her immediately…she cried for a while and then smiled at me and said: "and now what is your story"…I put my hand behind my head and said: "um…well, I had a lovely mom"…Iris looked at me and said: "I'm not sure of this information about your mom"…I took a deep breath and said: "You are right, when I was younger the relationship between the two of us was… weird..my mom was really busy with work. And my dad only sent us money… when we could afford things my mom was kind and loving…one time-...one day I got home from school and I was hungry, mom wasn't home …so I ordered pizza from my mother card… then when she got home she got angry at me and slapped me and called me a pig…who stole her money, that's why I have the bad relationship with food". After what I told Iris I started crying, I got up and got Sally's sweater and hugged it tight…I cried for a couple of minutes and then continued saying: "my mom got sick one day….she got cancer and needed treatment…my d-dad sent us money every month… I never saw him though…but one day he stopped sending us money…. and we got kicked out of the house…my mom made me work…I worked with a really aggressive man… I was 12 years old then… he had 10 dogs and a horse…my job was to take care of them but… the man started using me to do other things I didn't want…like cleaning his house…and if I didn't he would punch me on my stomach or back….I got extra money for my mom's treatment if I did these extra things… The man was my mom's high school friend …but one day he didn't pay me extra money and I told him to give me…instead he started punching me and hitting me until blood came out of my nose… I got scared and rushed home to my mother…t-then she slapped me because I didn't get her money that day"…. 

I started crying again. I didn't want to cry again but I couldn't hold it anymore...the memories were too strong… I continue to talk with a cracking voice: "After some months, my mother passed away… I was too tired to work with this man again…. I went to him and I was crying …I was just 12 years old and….he said that…I am a big baby and I should stop crying… He beat me up again…and then his dog started chewing on his leg. The dog helped me to run away… I had really scary nights…I slept under the rain hungry… I was lonely too…but then I met a nice old lady… she was kind to me and she had a farm, she took care of me as a son…the lady said that I'd take over the farm if something happened to her…I was her only child…she was pretty sick…when she died I was 16, and I sold the farm and bought the house I live in right now…. I have earned a lot of money from selling the farm so I got involved in high school. It was hard because I didn't go to elementary school…but I did my best…I was smart in history and that sort of subject…I met Maria who was really pretty and nice at first but. she started using me for money and for other things like doing her homework… I was chill about it because she was my girlfriend … but….. She cheated on me and I'll never forgive her for it"… I stayed quiet and then continued to speak, I said: "After she cheated on me I got into a severe depression and…started to-"…I stopped speaking when I realized I had spoken too much, It was too late so I had to continue to speak so I said: "I have starved myself and… burned myself with cigarettes"…. 

Iris looked at me and nodded, she said in a calm voice: "hey It's okay… I'm here to listen to you and your problems, and I forgot to tell you that I am a therapist as well… and you are here to get help with this things… and after what you told me I can tell that you are only heartbroken and not really mentally ill"…

I gave her a weak smile, I said in a quiet voice: "after Maria cheated on me and I got into depression….. I felt really isolated…but, like a sun in the winter, my dear friend Sally appeared in my life….she was my classmate and she thought that I was too away from school so she decided to visit me …she brought me my kitten Felix…gosh, I just love this girl…she is my whole heart and I could kill for her". Iris smiled at me.

After talking with Iris, I started working with her on getting better at eating. We had a plan where I needed to eat 3 meals a day, or even more if I could do it. For every meal I ate, I got to use my phone to talk with Sally. Even though I wasn't allowed to use my phone, Iris treated me as her son.This helped me be in a heather relationship with food. But it was still hard… for the first few days I couldn't help but to throw up at dinner time. It was annoying and got me really exhausted but with Iris' help I got better each day.

Each night were hard on me, I felt lonely and exhausted. At night many patients were aggressive and yelled because they refused to take their medication. It scared me to hear all this yelling all night … every time they said we needed to sleep I felt like a rock on my chest. I remember my first night…. I laid in the white bed as I took a sniff of Sallys sweater and cried…. I couldn't sleep from the noise, everyone is angry and… scary… but after the third day I started to get used to this… my body still trembled at night when I heard them scream but at least I could sleep easier…

The food plan started paying off after few days. suddenly on a Monday afternoon I tried to call Sally but she didn't answer … I was really worried that something bad happened to her…I stayed patient, I would visit her when this week was over… I was worried all the time…but I had to stay patient for Sally… even though I needed her… even though I was worried… but I had to stay strong for her…

Naya♤