Chapter One

'JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA'

'SANDTON'

(CEMETERY)

Funerals are heart tearing.......often a time they cause an unbearable pain that many are familiar with, yet their pain is indescribable. Today we are "burying my sister"..... I put that statement in air quotes because the burial is being carried out without an actual dead person. Sindiswa has been missing for two years. The day to stop all the useless searches and investigations had finally come. I'll admit that it breaks my heart to see my father in so much pain. Nevertheless, it brings me boundless joy to have everyone finally end all the pointless investigations and it is an even greater joy to have the police off our backs. I have never been a fan of Sindiswa's. For many years we lived under the same roof, we shared everything.. parents, siblings, some friends, a bedroom, clothes, shoes etc. I've always hated my sister. My hate, however, has never been publicized. To the masses we were loving sisters. I was the sister that always had her back and was her number one support system. I had no tears at her funeral and because of the "love" we had for each other, everyone concluded I was breaking down mentally and that I was still in disbelief. I could pretend to feel many things but the happiness that filled my heart at this moment overpowered the fake tears I planned to let out today.

When the priest talked, he had his eyes on me. He knew how "close" my sister and I were. Despite that fact, I felt like he could see right through me. I felt like he could tell that I was pretending to grieve. To avoid shaking to his glare, I picked Nelisiwe, who was standing next to me, up and held her tight in my arms, and she laid her little head on my shoulder and played with the extensions of my braids. I turned all my attention to Siwe escaping the priests glare.

The funeral was the end of a long chapter for my family, but it was the beginning of a new one for all the other attendants.

"She probably sold her soul to the devil." I heard a woman whisper behind me in Zulu.

Zulu women have no brakes. In fact, all older women not just Zulu women. Undefined situations like these caused noise. My ears bled to the backward, ignorant myths and false assumptions that were uttered during the service. The women could care less if I could hear them talk. They didn't care about me nor my parents, siblings and grandmother they just said whatever.

After Siwe fell asleep, I walked off to my car to lay her down in her car seat, but I ended up staying in my car. This funeral service was taking forever my feet couldn't handle my heels and honestly, my mind was going crazy. I sat in the drivers seat with the car door open smoking a blunt, listening to my oldies playlist.

"Hey!" Kalu greeted, popping out of the blue, scaring me a little bit.

Kalu Kekana is my best friend. His two years older than me but my maturity levels equalize, if not surpass his. Most times I'm more of an older sister to him.

"Hi." I greeted him in a low tone and pinched my blunt on the ash try on my side.

"How are you holding up?" Kalu asked me.

"Well... I'm smoking......that's never a good sign." I answered after which I peeped at Siwe who was still sleeping in her seat in the back. "Siwe fell asleep. I brought her to the car and I just wanted to stay. Right here......Listening to music......just staring at the trees..."

"Trying to avoid the situation"... Kalu interrupted with a conclusion.

"Yeah."

I hated that I had to lie to Kalu. Him and I grew up together and with the huge age gaps between my siblings and I, I felt closer to Kalu. Kalu was my only friend through high school and primary school too. He was bullied for being gay and I was bullied for my own weaknesses.. we bonded through the trauma and horrors of life, I guess. Kalu stood by me when no one else did.

"Qhamani, are you okay ........like for real. I see no tears......No sad face....... I've heard no venting.... girl you don't have to hold everything in.....especially not when I'm here." Kalu assured me.

That speech is exactly what I needed to activate my tear glands. I wasn't crying because of Sindiswa of course I was crying because I remembered all the shit that Kalu and I had to go through. My tears flowed for Kalu.......he was his best self for him and me too.....he didn't deserve all the hate that he got. I really appreciate and love him.

Kalu hugged me after I stood off the car seat. After a long hug, Kalu took Siwe out with her car seat and walked me to the burial site. When I got there, my grandmother was standing at the podium , according to the print out program, hers was the last tribute. Her tribute was in Zulu, thats all she speaks.

"It breaks my heart to have to bury a grandchild. I feel even more pain because her body cannot be laid to rest. Her soul and mine too will never be at rest until we have an answer. Every day I pray for my grandchild....... may the people that stole her from us .......from her daughter".. after mentioning Siwe, my grandmother looked in my direction, making other people look too. "My heart bleeds for that child, because no child deserves to be raised without a mother." She went on.

When my grandmother voiced those words, my mind drifted away into a sequel of anger. I raised Siwe, I fed her, clothed her, taught her how to walk, I teach her how to talk. I knew everything about this little girl.. from her favorite meals to how she loves her bath water and what kinds of clothes and shows she likes. I won't permit anyone to speak down on all the duties I perform. Now I just wanted to get away from the cemetery and home too .....like, I wanted to leave my house and Johannesburg all together. Thats how angry my grandmother got me in that moment. I was ready to pack and leave for any other city.

'SANDTON'

(NTULI HOUSE)

"God forbid that my great grandchild should live with that cursed child!" I heard my grandmother yell from downstairs. I was in mine and Siwe's room packing our clothes and other personal items into suitcases. Gogo used the term curse to define me because she is angry and because well to her I might be.

I have a medical condition called nocturnal enuresis. It is a failing function in the human body but a shame to society. Nocturnal enuresis is basically bed wetting. Though for me, at this age, its not literal. I don't physically wet my bed because I do the needful but diapers and dehydration don't quite free me from the illness. Nocturnal enuresis is a condition common in children but it can also affect adults. My condition is my biggest secret, my biggest embarrassment and greatest insecurity. For many years in schooling and right in my neighborhood, I was a topic of interest. A basic pick on and laughingstock. Most people judged and mocked me while others settled for my condition as being a rumor. Both were bad, neither one being better than the other.

From primary school up till high school, I was dragged through hell. I went to school with Sindiswa. I was two grades ahead considering my age Sindiswa was a couple of grades behind considering her age, as a result we were only two grades apart. When she was in grade twelve, I was in grade ten. Instead of bettering my life at school, you know the whole fantasy of having an older sibling going to the same school as you do, Sindiswa made it way worse. She didn't do it directly but I always found out. She played sister love just as much as I did. I had no older sister to support me, I had no friends and no boyfriends either, I only had Kalu. I was alone because, before I even stepped foot into the school, I was the girl that still wets the bed. In mockery, people made it seem like I had no control of my bladder throughout the whole day. They made it seem like I'd wet myself anywhere and everywhere. To add on to that, false rumors like I talk shit, that I hate everyone and think I'm better than everyone circulated all over and I never heard the end of it. I hang around the gay boy too.. I didn't mind the judgement that come with being Kalu's friend. Kalu was the best and I mean that with every part of me.

I had it pretty rough at school.. People called me all sorts of names and I cried every time.. that weakness?...... that weakness was what they fed on and I did the feeding. I was weak and I showed it.

Every morning that I looked into the mirror, I saw a beautiful girl.. I knew I was beautiful. I could see it and I over heard many students whisper about it every now and then....The irony....The beauty may have been a win but it also acted as an opponent against me. I was the pretty bitchy girl that wets her bed. The bad always overpowers the good. That's one of the things school taught me. Other than school.. the children in my neighborhood were worse. They were close enough to be anyway .....from the public reprimanding by my grandmother and my sisters letting the whole neighborhood know about my illness, it was all fucked up. With all the misfortunes that surrounded me I tried to kill myself but I failed every time. The act of suicide is a trauma that no child should ever go through.. holding those pills........holding that gun?...... it all fucked me up.

"Gogo is yelling." Siwe narrated to me.

"I can hear her baby but it will be all over soon when we leave okay." I told Siwe with my baby voice.

My grandmothers yelling was loud but it was all in Zulu I couldn't quite tell if Nelisiwe could understand most of it. I loved the cluelessness that she had. Watching her play with her teddy bear gave me so much joy. I love her so much.

"Your grandmother isn't pleased with your decision to take Siwe all the way to cape town." My mother told me.

I was now sitting in the Livingroom with everyone. That is my parents, my brother Belelani, my sister Wezi and Gogo.

"I'm not in full agreement with the move either."Wezi spoke after my mother with her arms folded and her face full of attitude.

Wezi is thirty-four years old. She is my oldest sister but I don't respect her at all because I think she's childish. She has a whole husband and kids but she finds the need to be home every time to share her unwanted and irrelevant opinion with everyone. I could care less what Wezi thought about my move. I don't even care that Gogo doesn't agree.

"Uhm........I know that Gogo thinks I'm too young and incapable of taking care of a child but my you know me.........mum, I'm literally going to cape town to work at one of my dream organizations like I always talked about. I know this achievement can't be understood by Gogo or you. Or Wezi. You are not into business and marketing, but trust me no eighteen-year-old is getting such a job opportunity." I explained.

"You're only in that position because Dad is well connected." Wezi blurted.

This bitch had no job.. she knew nothing about business. My father was well connected but I worked hard enough to qualify.....the company that hired me isn't owned by my father so my accepted application was earned on fair terms.......... anyway.

"Maybe but I studied enough to be of merit to such a position." I replied.

"I'm a proud father Qhamani even if no one in this room is in support of your work and capabilities....... I will always be." My father told me, making me smile and making my grandmother break into a fit of unnecessary whisper.

I loved my father.

"Qhamani, you're smart and responsible but cape town is so far." Belelani told me. "We don't live in the same house but visits are easier here." He added.

Belelani is thirty years old. Second child to the Ntuli's. Belelani is my favorite sibling for obvious reasons. He always supported me. He protected me a lot as a child too.

"I know it's far but an opportunity is an opportunity." I told Belelani, quoting his own words.

Gogo was angry. I couldn't make sense out of the situation. Gogo was so lazy when it came to Siwe , she wouldn't even lift her as a baby....my mother is ever on her useless luxury trips, my dad had work, so did Belelani and Wezi had her own kids to worry about, her husband isn't even the type to accept kids from outside their nuclear family. I was the only one willing and ready to take care of Siwe so I don't know why Siwe's adoption was up for discussion.

"Siwe is a child!......... if you haven't stopped wetting the bed, how will she!" my grandmother yelled.

I should have kidnapped and locked this woman up instead. I respected Gogo so much, too much for someone who didn't respect me actually. I was raised to respect all my elders but she was testing me for sure. I was calm nevertheless.

"Uhm......Okay.......er......I finalized the adoption for Siwe today so regardless of this situation of disapproval. She's legally my daughter and I'll do what I think is best for us." I announced with tears in my eyes. My grandmother always triggered my emotions.

"She's even crying!...... God have mercy.. this is supposed to be an adult? a mother......Total rubbish."Gogo went on.

Gogo continued with her insults, not only directed to me but to my parents and my brother too. Kalu was picking me up from my house to the airport. I had a flight at 10:30pm. I couldn't wait to get out of this house. I couldn't wait to go to cape town and start my new life in my condo. The condo was an early birthday present from my dad. My dad really wants cape town for me.. he thinks it's the best distraction from my apparent grief. My father wants me to thrive more than anything.. my mother too but it's different with my dad.

I waited for Kalu in mine and Siwe's room. I played with her like everything was okay. I could still hear Gogo yelling but I tried my best to ignore it. When Kalu finally texted me that he was parked outside, I was more than ready to leave.

"I'm wishing you all the best." My mother told me and hugged me.

I had taken all the suitcases to the car at this point. Kalu was setting up Siwe's car seat in his car. My whole family was gathered not so far from the car to watch me leave. My grandmother was outside too, only God knows why.

"You should call me when you land and every time you need me." My father told me and hugged me.

After hugs from my parents and brother and kisses for Siwe I had to leave. Wezi just watched, I don't know why she was outside.... Her and her grandmother.

"Say bye to Gogo baby." I instructed Siwe and she waved at my mother. "Both Gogos my baby." I told Siwe but she just looked. She knew her other Gogo wasn't a vibe.

Gogo walked up Siwe and tried to pick her up but she started screaming and crying for my attention. I hope this wicked woman took that in.

'AIRPORT'

"I can't waaait to see you." Kalu confessed making me smile.

Siwe was already sleeping so I had to carry her the whole wait at the airport.

"Me too I already miss you actually."

"I wish you didn't have to go you know......... but you need this and I'll support you."

"Thank you."

"I loved you.......I love you and I always will."

"I loved you.........I love you and I always will."