Chapter Two

2018

'CAPE TOWN'

(QHAMANI'S CONDO)

"Good morning babe." Joshua greeted me and kissed my cheek.

I was in the kitchen cooking up some breakfast for the three of us. Joshua is my man and we've been together for a month now. I know it's insane to say but I'm in love with him and I want to marry him. Joshua moved in two days ago so that we spend more time together. His parents house is so far from mine, yes he still lives with his parents, so we never got to see each other much because of distance. My job also takes too much time from my personal life so him moving in will keep us close.

As you all know I have nocturnal Enuresis and no, I'm no where near telling Joshua the truth because I think it's too early.

"You slept in your office again." Joshua told me sounding disappointed.

"I know ..... I'm sorry..... I told you that work has really been busy this past and present week. I can't seem to finish anything these days."

I lied. I had no work to do this week and the previous one. I spent my nights in my office online shopping for Siwe and I and scrolling through Pinterest, keeping in touch with my aesthetic.

"Will I be expecting you tonight?" Joshua asked after I finished fixing him his plate and I nodded and replied "mhm".

Aside my illness or medical condition per say, Joshua and I haven't slept together yet. I know that's the major reason his pressing for me to share a bed with him. I, on the other hand don't want to take that step before informing Joshua of my condition first. I don't want to add any bodies to my name.... 'add' is a poor choice of words to a degree because I'm a twenty year old virgin. I have never had sexual intercourse with anyone but myself. I don't know if masturbation crosses one off the virginity list. I don't think so anyway.

I'm antisocial....... I prefer isolation and since I don't have Kalu here with me I'd rather be alone....... I have one friend..... a woman. I want to love and be loved but with how I carry myself, I don't think anyone can read that off my face. I barely talk when someone takes an interest in me.... I actually get angry when I'm approached.... I never text back after number exchanges and I never answer calls or call anybody.... I just want to protect my peace honestly. I'm also not a fan of physical touch.... I don't think I can go any further than kissing someone..... I'm twenty but I don't feel the urge to be satisfied sexually by a man.... I know it's weird but other than my big secret, I don't think I'm comfortable enough to be in that position... not even with Joshua.... I'm willing to try though.

I don't think any man would bare to be with a woman that wears diapers every night. The last thing I want to do is give my body up to a man that will leave me after knowing the whole truth about me.

I don't know how I fell in love with Joshua but I did. I wish I didn't because now I'm scared to lose him. His so kind and patient..... I can't lose this. I don't want to lose this.

"Is there something you aren't telling me?" Joshua asked before he started eating his food and now he was eagerly waiting for my answer. His eyes where fixed on mine. I could feel my whole soul in panic.

"Mummy!" I heard a little voice call out. The call was followed by crying.

"Good morning my baby," I greeted Siwe and rushed up to her. " you don't have to cry mama, mummy's here." I told her and picked her off the floor.

"I miss you." Siwe told me and hugged me right around my neck.

Nelisiwe was my little princess. Spoiled just enough but humble, caring and kind..... jovial. She was everything I couldn't be when I was her age. I was spoiled....... Shy..... Siwe is more on the outgoing spectrum..... I don't think I was kind... I was more of mute and vulnerable. She was perfect to say the least.

"I miss you every time you're sleeping too," I told Siwe, "are you hungry baby, you want some pancakes?" I asked rhetorically, fixing her a plate.

"Good morning." Siwe greeted Joshua politely after I put her down on one of the stools in front of the counter.

"Good morning sisi." Joshua replied.

I can't believe this grown man was waiting on my daughter to greet him.

Joshua and Siwe had no bond at all. That was a major turn off but Joshua had many other amazing qualities that I loved.

"You haven't answered my question." Joshua reminded me.

"We are not having this conversation with Siwe here." I answered and served Siwe her breakfast.

"Thank you mummy."

"She's four years old....... She won't even understand anything." Joshua blurted.

"Bold of you.... Actually quite disrespectful of you to make that assumption about my child." I fired back now getting irritated.

Joshua read my face and tone and said nothing more.

"Mummy I said thank you." Siwe complained.

"Oh sorry..... you're welcome my baby." I told Siwe and only then did she start eating her food.

Siwe's nanny Rebecca walked into the room, making the awkward moment in the kitchen less worse. After greetings, Rebecca helped Siwe finish her food and then took her upstairs to get her ready for school. Rebecca has been Siwe's nanny for a whole year now..... she's oddly quiet for a twenty five year old but she seems more chatty with Siwe and since Siwe loves her I don't mind her.

After Siwe and Rebecca left, I cleared the counter and put all the dirty dishes in the sink. Joshua helped me with the dishes.

"I'm sorry." Joshua apologized.

I forgave him. I may have over reacted so I didn't push him away. As Joshua washed the dishes we talked but I was far gone. My mind kept thinking of any good excuse I could give Joshua tonight other than work.

Unlike most Thursday's, I didn't have work today but I had to leave the house, nonetheless.

I missed my sister.

My move to Cape Town included Sindiswa and Luthando. Luthando actually has more family in Cape Town so it was easy to convince him to come along. I pay him good too so.

'WAREHOUSE'

As usual Sindiswa was on a mild sedation. I hated talk back so I always made sure Luthando sedated Sindiswa before my visits.

"You look better than most days sis." I told Sindiswa after I took my sit right in front of her.

"Leave." Sindiswa struggled to tell me.

Her body tilted to the side a little bit the arm rest placed her perfectly not to fall to the ground.

"I see the medicine doesn't work it's magic anymore ........ anyway, I have no one to talk to so I'm here.... To vent..... to you..... I mean I do have Kalu but his too far and now I have Ayanda from work but I can't tell her about this particular problem....... I have Joshua too, but his the problem and I have Siwe as well .....but she's four years old...... I'm not trying to give her an adult story to shock her teacher and friends at prekindergarten." I told my sister. She glanced at me and then she looked away. It was nice to see that she was listening.

"Okay so...... I haven't told Joshua that I have nocturnal Enuresis and honestly I don't know how to....... He moved in two days ago and since we haven't shared a bed yet, his getting a little suspicious and disappointed...... I have this deep feeling that's so negative everytime I think about Joshua knowing the truth..... I feel like he'll leave .... This is the first time I have ever been in love...... other than that one failed highschool love, this is the only love I have ever had.... In high school I knew Joel was never in love with me but it still hurt me..... Joshua loves me in this love story and I can't imagine the pain I'll feel if he leaves because of something that I am in no control over.... With Joshua it's like everything is just right.... We are a perfect fit..... I know it's only been a couple of weeks but I want him to be the father of my kids...... and I feel like this love is special because we haven't explored each other sexually yet......... okay no ...that might be weird actually now that I've said it out loud........ why hasn't Joshua ever touch me?" I closed with an expression of thought.

"You really fucked up my self esteem do you know that....... I just went from praising Joshua to thinking his shit ...... it's like no matter who I love and how they love me.... A future with them seems impossible........ because everytime I think of nothing but happy thoughts.... Your stupid voice of torment tells me over and over again that I'll never be worth anyone's love..............anyway!.......Joshua is different and I will win this time..... you can't poison him like you did with Joel."

For two hours I rambled to Sindiswa about every detail in my life. I went from positives to negatives...... I went back and forth and I loved the attention she gave me. No talk back just silence giving me her every ear.

(QHAMANI'S CONDO)

Being that I had no lie or excuses to cover myself from Joshua today.....tonight would be the night I'd tell him everything. Joshua was so understanding with so many things and I hoped that he'd have the same understanding today.

"I have something to tell you." I told Joshua.

Joshua and I were sitting at the edge of my bed. He looked scared but calm at the same time when I told him that I had to tell him something.

"I didn't spend two nights here with you in my bed because I was scared." I explained but paused.

"Scared of what?"

I can't believe I was telling him the truth right now. I should have thought everything through.

"I have nocturnal Enuresis .......it's the medical term for Uhm......for ..... er......... nocturnal Enuresis is bed wetting .........I can't quite control my urinary tract when my body is resting......." I explained avoiding eye contact. " I don't wet the bed because I have Uhm...... I have ..... er...... I have diapers for it." I continued and felt the weight of the admission slit my throat.

Joshua said nothing for five minutes. He adjusted his seating many times but no words. He looked everywhere else but at me. This moment went from awkward to painful really quickly. My eyes teared up but I forced myself to stay strong.

"Is there a cure for it?" Joshua finally voiced.

Honestly I had no idea if they were a cure or not..... one thing I know for sure though is that all the medication and surgeries I have ever gotten because of my condition have only made me worse.

"Uhm....... I've tried a couple of doses ........ it was all just painful and clearly pointless because I only got worse." I explained and bit on my bottom lip trying to fight my anxiety.

"Worse." Joshua repeated and said nothing else.

Silence fell on us for at least ten minutes. My anxiety was eating me up and I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. I got up... wore my bed slippers and walked out of my room and closed the door behind me. The second I walked out the door, tears rushed down my face freely. How was my condition this big a barrier in my life. I didn't get it. My illness affected me.... Only me. Why should it bother anyone else.

After I wiped my tears off I walked to Siwe's room. When I walked into the room, Siwe was fast asleep. I joined my baby girl on her bed and pulled her close to me in a cuddle. My baby was so beautiful......I hope and pray she'll never go through what I do. For a minute there I forgot all about Joshua but then it all came back and I was crying yet again.

I cried. Not only because of Joshua but because of every moment in my life that killed a piece of me. From the whispers, to the anonymous texts I received every now and then...... I never understood why kids back then found the need to make me feel like I was nothing...... I didn't understand the need they had to remind me that I was impaired.

I was a shame...... I could here Gogo's voice in my head.

'NINE YEARS AGO'

"A girl!" Gogo yelled.

We were in my room. We stood right next to my bed. I had just woken up with my wet mark exposed, both on my grey leggings and my bed sheet.

"Who will marry you like this!" Gogo went on. "What a shame!....... This is the most shameful and disgusting thing for a girl your age....oh lord!...... and soon you will began your monthly...... now it will be blood and urine that we will find on this bed!" Gogo went on.

As she yelled I stood far enough from her pulling my long shirt down trying to cover myself up. No matter how much and how loud I cried, my grandmother never stopped yelling.

I remember getting a beating that day as well, from both Gogo and my mother. Gogo actually dragged me outside and made me wash the sheets and what I wore over night. Before my father could afford to fence the yard, we had an open space...... so everyone heard me crying..... everyone heard my grandmother yelling at the top of her voice and everyone saw me washing my shame away.

My Gogo was always like that...... nevertheless, one I hate you paragraph dedicated to her in my diary made me feel better. I cried a lot in my pre teen years. Most days were better than others but I hated myself for the most part. When my disorder become a daily occurrence, I spent most of the night awake.... Scared to mess up. Staying up overnight made me develop insomnia which led to fatigue, which opened doors to loss of appetite, ulcers and never ending migraines. I got so sick I could barely breath on my own. I wish I died then. I don't know why I fought to stay alive for five weeks. I fought death for the same old shit.