Divine Punishment for This NEET, Too!

1

I was in a dark room.

"I'm not going to play nice forever. I'm going to ask you one more time, Master Satou. Am I to understand that yesterday, you dropkicked an innocent priest for absolutely no reason at all?"

"That is correct."

I gave my answer, promptly and without hesitation, for the umpteenth time.

The brunette knight in front of me nodded, tugging at her bangs. "All right. So you saw a passing priest, couldn't stand her for some reason, and randomly felt an irresistible urge to dropkick her. But she sensed you coming and turned around, so instead you kicked her in the face—that's your story. It was a fit of rage, in other words. Is that what happened?"

"That's what happened."

The pen in the woman's hand snapped in half. "...…It just so happens that I investigated that priest just the other day on Lady Dustiness's orders, and you're saying this is completely unrelated to that fact?"

"N-no relation whatsoever… I think…" The woman tossed the bits of broken pen aside. Then she smacked the table between us, bam! "Do you take me for a fool?! We've done our homework on that priest, and we know things! You think your flimsy excuses will pass muster with us?!" She reached across the table and grabbed me by the lapels.

"Nooo, stop! This is an illegal interrogation using violence! I want my lawyer! I have the money! Call me a lawyer!" I tried to get away from the woman, but my hands were chained together. That slowed me down enough that she just grabbed me by the scruff of the neck instead.

"Master Satou, you may not think much of me, but I am a knight of Axel! I've been entrusted with running this police station! It hasn't escaped me that things have been strange in this town lately! You know something about it, don't you? People might consider you a villain, but even you don't go around kicking women in the face for no reason! In fact, you've made significant contributions to Axel in the past, and that means there must be something going on here! Now, out with it! I know you're hiding something! And I know something is going on in this town!"

"I s-swear I don't know anything! You may be a knight, but you're lower-ranked than Darkness, right? I'll tell on you! I'll tell her that during the interrogation, you sexually harassed me in ways I can't even begin to describe!"

"H-hey, that's fabrication; don't do that! Anyway, Lady Dustiness is a well-known public figure. I know you're in the same party, but I also know that even a word from you wouldn't be enough to get her to abuse her power like that.

Sucks for you! Just you wait—I'm gonna go get a magical item that can detect lies!" she declared, grinning triumphantly down at me.

A-awww, no…!

Suddenly, a voice came from outside. "P-pardon me, ma'am!"

The knight never looked away from me as she said, "What is it? I'm busy right now. Busy with a certain quibbling, equivocating little—" "Erm… Lady Dustiness is here, ma'am…" "?!"

Those hesitant words were all it took: The knight let go of me immediately.

I was in the interrogation room of the town's police station. That was where you tend to end up when you kick someone right out in front of a big crowd.

I guess attacks really did rebound off Serena, because the moment I'd hit her with the dropkick, I felt a tremendous pain and lost consciousness. Aqua must have healed me or something, though, because now I didn't feel any pain and didn't have so much as a bruise.

Which brought us to this moment. The woman knight who was apparently the captain of this police station had been personally interrogating me, but now… "What is Lady Dustiness doing here? I'll see her when I'm done with this guy.

I'm sure he's hiding something. Master Satou has been quite a benefactor to our town in his own way. I think a brief detention should suffice. Tell Lady Dustiness that I'll get in touch with her when I have something to report." The woman didn't even look at the door of the interrogation chamber as she spoke.

This was bad… I couldn't say a word about Serena. I especially couldn't tell Darkness or this hardheaded knight lady. I'd been planning to ask Darkness to spring me from jail, but I knew how much she hated anything that seemed even slightly shady.

Given that I couldn't tell her what was supposedly going on, the chances of her helping me seemed slim to none… Then the guy at the door started to sound very uncomfortable.

"A-about that…" "Yes, what?" The woman finally looked angrily in his direction, only to discover… "Ah, hello, sorry to barge in on you. I made him let me in."

Standing behind the guy at the door was Darkness.

The man bowed and left, while the knight saluted the moment she saw Darkness. I took that as my opportunity to shout, "Lady Lalatina!"

"D-don't call me that!" Darkness shot back. But then she composed herself and said, "Sorry. Ahem, how's it going? Did you get anything out of him?"

The knight straightened up and replied, "Ma'am! I'm certain he knows something, but his excuse and alleged motivation change every time I ask. One moment he did it because he wanted money, while the next it was because he was angry with her, and another time he swears he regretted his actions… Just give me a bit more time, ma'am, and I promise you I'll wring the truth out of him!"

Darkness looked directly at me. "Kazuma," she said. "Does this mean you can't even tell Megumin, Aqua, or me about that woman's secret?"

I nodded silently.

Darkness didn't say anything for a moment. Then she asked, "Will something bad happen if you tell anyone? Should I take this to mean that you're going to resolve this situation on your own? …If you're unable to answer, you're welcome to simply stay silent."

"..." I took her up on that and didn't say anything; Darkness studied me intently.

Finally, she looked away from me, glancing at the knight, before scratching her cheek with distinct embarrassment. Finally, she said apologetically, "Erm… How about it? Do you think you could let him off as a favor to me? I mean, in light of all his fine work, maybe we could consider this a quarrel between adventurers…" "Huh? …Erm… Well. A-are you really serious, Lady Dustiness? No formal complaint has been filed, so I guess it's all right, but… Are you really doing this?

I know how you hate to use your privilege this way." The woman looked from me to Darkness and back, as reluctant as she was surprised. Finally, she handed Darkness the key to my cuffs, still looking a little shocked. For that matter, I was probably looking at Darkness the same way. This was the woman who hadn't even been willing to throw her weight around when she'd practically had to sell herself to the local governor, and here she was getting me out of jail. She really had changed… Darkness didn't seem bothered by the way the knight and I were looking at her. "Kazuma, you don't have to say anything. I'll leave everything else to you.

But at least let me clean up after you. What I mean is…you can rely on me, at least at a moment like this."

"Oh, my dear, sweet Lady Dustiness!"

"H-hey, get off me! Hold still, or I won't be able to undo your handcuffs!"

Darkness—hardheaded Darkness. The same Darkness who was obsessed with rules and her "duty as a human being" and so on. She'd put all that aside to help me because she trusted me. It made me so happy, I practically flung myself at her, clanking chains and all. She didn't resist. She just awkwardly tried to undo the locks.

The lady knight watched us, looking a bit shell-shocked. "Ah— Ahem… Lady Dustiness, could it be that you and Master Satou aren't…just party members…?"

She almost sounded scared to hear the answer.

Darkness blushed a little but managed to put on a straight face as she undid my bindings. "…No, we're just party members. Isn't that right, Kazuma?"

"Yeah…I guess."

Darkness looked relieved to hear that, yet somehow a little bit sad at the same time.

The knight looked even gladder to hear it. "Y-yes, of course… Lady Dustiness, you're an object of adoration for all single female knights who pride themselves on their own clarity and discipline. I should have known there was no way you'd be involved with a man of such low repute…and a commoner, to boot… I see, just party members. Of course…" ... "Yes, absolutely, just party members. And we do all the things party members do: bathe together, huddle up in tight spaces with each other, help each other get our underpants off so we can use the toilet… Let's see, what else… There was that time I snuck into Darkness's house and almost had my way with her, and the time she snuck into my bed and almost had her way with me… Oh yeah, and let's not forget about the sedative-laced wine. Yeah, I think that about sums up our relationship."

"…?!"

"Wh-wh-wha—?! That's not— This i-isn't what it—!"

The knight stood with a dazed expression on her face as Darkness started to panic.

"D-d-d-did you two really…?! No, I understand! You're comrades! You were just playing around, simply teasing each other; isn't that right, Lady Dustiness?"

"Y-y-y-yes, that's it exactly! That's all it was…!"

The knight seemed really fixated on this for some reason, and Darkness was just about losing it. I looked at them, rubbing my wrists where the handcuffs had held me. "She also kissed me."

""?!"" The knight stood there red-faced, her mouth flapping open and closed.

Darkness, blushing up to her ears, buried her face in my back and just about collapsed.

Once I was safely out of the police station, Darkness gave me a piece of her mind. "I can't believe you. I absolutely cannot believe you! Just look at this!

Now the other nobles and knights are going to be gossiping about me! The next time you get arrested, don't expect me to help...… Partly because I can never show my face there again…!"

"Tell me one thing I said that was untrue."

That earned me a hard glare from Darkness, who was still red in the face. But she was looking a little chastened, too; she wasn't really angry anymore.

Realizing she wasn't as upset as I thought she was, I decided to push my luck.

"Hey, Darkness. I have a favor to ask…"

2

"Please, there's no need to feel any embarrassment when you speak to me.

You may share any worry, any concern… Ah, my dear Kazuma, hello."

"Yo, Serena. You can drop the 'dear Kazuma' stuff. Just my name is fine."

In a corner of the Guild, Serena was offering her hand to a fretting adventurer. She greeted me with a smile when I showed up, and I smiled right back at her.

I'd asked Darkness to stay in the house for a while and to keep Megumin and Aqua with her. And to ask Aqua to put up an extra spirit barrier around the mansion. Finally, I'd asked her to tell everyone I wouldn't be back for a while.

Serena talked to me as calmly as if I hadn't attacked her just the day before.

Likewise, I kept up my smile as though everything was copacetic… "I see you're still helping out worried and wayward adventurers. Must be a tough gig. Want me to lend a hand?"

"Oh, my dear Kazuma, you needn't go out of your way on my account; I know how busy you are. You should take that strength of yours and go on a monster hunt or the like instead."

It was ordinary, unremarkable banter, but for some reason, the crowd of adventurers around Serena looked uneasy. A lot of them had been there when I kicked her.

Even though she had flat-out rejected me, I sat down not far away from her and her groupies. Serena started shooting me anxious glances. In the end, though, she got herself back under control. "My apologies," she said to the adventurer who had come to her. "Would you be so kind as to tell me what's on your mind?"

The adventurer who had waited patiently all through our conversation smiled.

Then he hesitated for a second before saying, "Erm… I just can't seem to get a girl to go out with me. I'm pretty good friends with some people of the opposite sex, and sometimes they say, 'You're a really nice person.' That's great and all, but later on, when I ask if they'd go out with me, then they flat-out reject me…" Yeah, I'd heard that one before. I was counting the knots in the wood of the table, pretending not to be interested; Serena managed to smile at the adventurer even though she seemed concerned about what I was doing.

"To be called a nice person is the greatest of compliments. A cool person may find their attractiveness fades with time, but a nice person will remain attractive no matter how old they get. Please continue to be nice. I think the fact that so many people have told you the same thing shows just how attractive you are. It's too soon to worry about it or let it get you down. I'm certain you'll find someone who'll love you…" Her words were so comforting, and her smile was so gentle. It didn't seem like she bothered using the power of her evil god to deal with small concerns like this.

The guy started to look a little more cheerful. "Y-yeah, you're right…! I was getting a little depressed because they always turned me down the exact same way… But thanks to you, I'm starting to feel better! Oh, Serena, thank you so m —" "If you think he's so great, why don't you go out with him, Serena?"

The adventurer hadn't quite finished his expression of gratitude before I unleashed a few reckless words of my own. Serena's groupies froze. The guy who'd been pouring his heart out to her slowly looked at me. His face suggested the thought hadn't even occurred to him, but also that it made him a little uneasy.

I decided to give him another push. Heck, I could help a person out every once in a while, too. Yeah, they called me a devil or heartless or whatever, but when someone was suffering right in front of me… "You heard Serena. She thinks you're really attractive. She put the ball in your court. Now it's time to man up and make the next move! The reason you kept getting shot down was so that you could get together with Serena at this very moment!"

"W-wow, really?! O-okay, here goes… My dear Serena—!"

She cut him off before he even got around to asking her out. "Y-you're a very nice person, but I'm just not sure…" He yelped and was about to run away, but I grabbed his hand. "You can't just give up, man! Women are tough! You can't take what they say at face value.

You have to read between the lines! Haven't you ever heard of a tsundere?"

"Tsun…dere…?"

"U-um, excuse me…," Serena spoke up anxiously, starting to sweat.

"Haven't you heard that girls pretend to hate what they really love?"

"Y-you know, I have heard of that! I see, so that's what's going on here…!"

"Just a second…!"

Taking my encouragement to heart, the adventurer grabbed Serena's hand.

"My dear Serena! I— I—!"

"Stop, calm down a second…! Grrr, you filthy… I mean, m-my dear Kazuma, please…!"

I heard Serena from behind me. I was leaving to go find somewhere that could serve as a base for my harm-prevention activities, starting tomorrow.

3

It had been several days since I was released from police custody. I saw Serena and a few of her followers emerging from a particular dining establishment, looking around vigilantly. They were probably on guard against the harassment that someone or something had been inflicting on them over the past several days.

One of the adventurers—who had all pretty much gone from groupies to full-fledged, damn near religious devotees by now—said something to Serena. I picked it up with my Lip Reading skill: "It's all right, Lady Serena. I don't see anyone around."

I watched her and her friends carefully.

"Wind: perfect. Distance: perfect. Angle: perfect."

Positioned at the top of a distant building, I had them right where I wanted them. What was I doing at that moment? I was standing there with an arrow in my bow, taking aim at them with my Second Sight skill. From this distance, I could see them, but they couldn't see me. Admittedly, Serena would probably have a pretty good guess as to who had attacked her.

If I aimed for the head, I was certain to die along with her. And if all her threats were true, I might also call down a terrible curse on everyone around us. But Serena was holding a cup of something, presumably whatever she'd gotten at the restaurant they'd just left. I didn't know what was in it—probably cold juice or coffee or something.

Perfect.

I'd shaved down the end of the arrow to round it off, so that even if it hit Serena, the wound wouldn't be fatal. I wasn't here for an assassination. No, my aim was… "Deadeye!" Pyoo! The arrow went streaking through the air. Straight for— "Hrrgh! Eeeyow! She shouldn't drink her coffee so hot!" I exclaimed, falling to the ground, unable to bear the burning pain that assaulted my hand. I took another look at Serena with Second Sight, and I could see her waving her hand vigorously, trying to shake off the hot drink; my arrow had gone clean through the cup.

…Dammit. So this was no good, either. I got myself together and stood up, resuming my observation of Serena.

I'd learned a few things over the several days I spent harassing this woman.

For one, doing damage to her indirectly, by setting a trap of some kind, still hurt me. I didn't have to attack her personally; even something like the burns inflicted from the coffee I'd spilled on her came back at me. If only indirect stuff had been safe… I'd been planning on buying a certain potion at Wiz's shop— one that exploded on impact… Serena was healing her own hand and looking around. I didn't think she would see me, but just in case, I thought maybe I should activate Ambush and make myself scarce… Something else I had learned about Serena's powers.

"U-um, Kazuma…? Erm, I know you said you wanted my help with something, but…it wouldn't happen to be illegal, would it…?"

Namely, that the change in the adventurers' attitudes clearly had something to do with those powers. There were all kinds who followed her around calling her "Lady Serena." But the one thing they had in common was that the most fervent of them had been deeply involved with her.

"Well, I guess the act itself isn't exactly praiseworthy. But, Yunyun, I'm begging you, don't tell Megumin or anyone else. You're the only one I can count on."

"I'll do it. I'll so do it. I'll help you. We're friends, after all; you can leave it to me. Rely on me all you want!"

Yunyun must have been really happy to have someone counting on her, because she was suddenly all for it.

The time? Midnight. Despite the outrageousness of my request, Yunyun— who had been asking Serena for advice not that long ago—was here, helping me without a second thought.

Yunyun had gone to Serena just like so many other adventurers, but she had escaped unscathed. Why was it that she had been able to come into contact with Serena safely, if it wasn't simply that the Dark God of puppetry didn't want anything to do with her?

Yunyun and I were just outside the small room where Serena slept, a sturdy redoubt without so much as a window. Her followers had set up the place for her after some ne'er-do-well had started subjecting her to random attacks.

With Yunyun in tow, I began setting up shop outside the room. At my signal, Yunyun nodded, then began quietly intoning a magic spell. It was a favorite of the Crimson Magic Clan, a spell that bent light. That's right: It could make you invisible.

When Yunyun had put the spell around us, she said quietly, "Is that good, Kazuma? Now I just have to put silencing magic near the door to suppress sound, right? You know, things have been awfully strange around town lately. It wouldn't have anything to do with what you're doing, would it?"

"It sure does. I know our activities seem a little, um…criminal…but believe me, it's secretly to save the town, so don't worry. By the way, you can't tell anyone about tonight."

"...…Sure."

"Oops…!"

Yunyun's eyes started to brim because she knew she didn't have anyone to tell. I tried to comfort the forlorn girl as I prepared my own magic. Tonight's job was going to take a lot of MP. That's why I had bought a stone called manatite at Wiz's shop before I came here. The price of a chunk of manatite could go through the roof depending on the size and purity of the rock, so I'd just bought a few mid-range examples. It was cold enough at night that I didn't think it melting would be a problem before morning.

Then I reached out toward the little shed…!

After I'd caught a few winks, I took a leisurely stroll past the shed again. I could hear muffled shouting from inside like somebody trying to endure something, along with some pounding on the door.

"Don't worry, Lady Serena. I'll do something about this thick, thick ice! Just hold on a few minutes!"

"I told you we should have gotten a proper room at the inn with a guard and everything! It would have had a toilet!"

"And how were we supposed to afford that?! Lady Serena, try to hold it in just a little longer! Hey, haven't you boiled any water yet?! Or found a wizard who can use fire magic or at least gotten my hammer or something?!"

"No hammer's gonna crack this! I don't know what twisted bastard did this, but he froze the locks solid! Arrrgh, what do we do…?!"

After I'd had Yunyun make me invisible, I'd spent most of the night using Create Water and Freeze to encase the door of the small building in ice.

Despite all this, though, one thing I still didn't understand was what Serena was after. What was the point of producing a bunch of hypnotized puppets in a town full of novice adventurers? I contemplated her possible motives as I watched the stuff on the door melt, munching on an ice treat I'd gotten from a street stall.

A few more days passed.

I touched base with Darkness, but nothing much was going on, other than that Megumin had started launching her daily explosions up into the air, since she couldn't leave the house, and Aqua was becoming increasingly annoying about her desire to go outside.

I'd worried that Serena might give up trying to target me and go for the other members of my household instead, but so far, she seemed to be sticking to our deal. I thought it all over as I silently set up my next trap.

I could see Serena growing weaker day by day. And the nasty rumor I'd started about her a couple of days ago obviously had an effect.

"S-so here you are, my dear Kazuma…! I-I-I've b-been looking all over for you… I r-really have, you know that?"

As I was working away, a voice filled with barely restrained rage came from behind me. Given how she sounded, it was hard to believe she was still being as polite as she was, but anyway, I turned around and gave her a friendly wave.

"'Sup, Serena? Haven't seen you for a while. What's with the look? You'll scare off all your friends making a face like that."

I was out behind the inn I'd rented as my base of operations. Normally, it would be full of adventurers practicing their sword strokes after sleeping in the stables, washing their armor, or keeping up their equipment, and so on and so forth. But today there didn't seem to be many guests, and I had the place to myself.

Serena managed to give me a smile, although her lips kept twitching. "Yes, quite a while indeed… Say, what are you doing there?" she asked when she saw what I was fiddling around with in the garden.

"Don't you know about the balloons Wiz stocks in her shop? This thing here, it's called a water balloon—it's essentially a rubber pouch that expands when you fill it up with water. But me, I'm filling this one with glue and paint…" "Stop that! Don't— I mean, I'm sure I have no idea what you intend to do with that, but if you plan to do some kind of mischief with it, well, two can play at that game." She took a step back. Her followers, a few of whom had come with her, stepped forward instead.

"Hey, what are you playing at?" I said.

"I can't imagine what you mean… But you listen: I've had it up to here with you. These people are almost completely my puppets. I've got them eating out of the palm of my hand. If I told them to kill you, they'd do so without a second thought… I can see I've underestimated you. I've been taking you too lightly. I have to say, I'm quite impressed that you managed to push me this far…! Oh, you've pushed me, all right!!"

This was bad. There was no one around but us. Serena had a smile on her face, but her eyes were cold. Crap… Did I overdo it?

But I said, "Hey, you're the one who told me to try to stop you if I thought I could do it on my own. You said you would face me fair and square. And there's nothing fair about a bunch of you taking on one poor, weak adventurer…" "Oh, just shut the hell up!" Serena exploded. This was definitely bad. "I c-c-c-c-can't believe you would—! How dare you spread those ugly, nasty, unpleasant rumors about me!" She looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

"H-hold on, now! I kept my end of the bargain! I didn't tell anyone your secret! So who cares what rumors I paid some punk adventurers to spread around?"

"How could I not care?! How could you tell everyone I'm actually a man?! Do you really believe that? And the way you made it sound more true by mixing in little bits of fact, like that I sometimes talk brusquely! Dammit, I can't tell you how many people came trying to find out if it was true! And some of them even… They dared say that…that they wished the rumor was true…! I don't know what's wrong with this town! But you…you I'm going to kill!!"

Staring at me wild-eyed, Serena raised her hands and started to intone a magic spell…! I noticed some old guy walking by, so I shouted: "Hey, that passerby is watching you!"

"Grrr…! O-oh, good morning, sir. Fine weather we're having, isn't it?"

Ah, Lady Serena, the holy cleric. I guess she knew the guy. She started up some innocuous chatter with him; meanwhile, her entourage stared vacantly into the middle distance. I guess their puppet-ification was really serious.

I was in a bad spot. I'd managed to seriously piss off a general of the Demon King. She'd said she was with his intelligence forces, so I had assumed she would be a more cerebral fighter. I'd underestimated her willingness to get physical right in the middle of town.

Now what? I was facing both Serena and her entourage. I was way out of my league. They'd probably kill me instantly.

Serena was wrapping up her conversation, and the old man was getting ready to walk away.

"All right, please let me grant you a magical blessing to protect you today…" "Ahhh, I'd sure appreciate that."

Could I make a run for the police station? No, even with my Flee skill, there was a good chance Serena and her goons would catch me if she boosted them with support buffs.

Serena took a classic prayer pose, bringing her hands together at chest level.

And I saw my chance!

"A blessing, then, for your good health and safety this day…" "Wind Breath!!"

Just as Serena was about to cast her spell, I whipped my hand upward as if I was trying to flip up her skirt, activating my wind magic at an upward angle.

Serena found her robe flipped right over her head. The long skirt that normally seemed so modest was a complete liability now. When I was sure the skirt was good and tangled around her head, I grabbed the wire at my hip and took aim…!

"Bind!!"

"Hey!" cried a muffled voice from under the skirt.

My skill tied Serena up, tangled robe and all. Normally, this would have been just a gimmick to buy time, but today…!

"Lady Serena?!"

"L-Lady Serena!"

"Lady Serena's been tied up like a ham!"

One look at the hog-tied Serena was enough to bring her near-totally-puppeted adventurers back to their senses.

"O-oh, thank you…! I give thanks to thee, O pure and holy hindquarters…!"

The passerby who'd been chatting with Serena dropped to his knees and started worshipping her underwear-clad behind.

"Hey…! Hold on…! Stop it!" Serena struggled under her dress, but I'd used special wire intended for big game. She might be a general, but she was also a human, and she wasn't going to break out of that thing.

"Oh no! Her b-b-butt! Lady Serena's sacred butt is exposed…!"

"Quick, hide it, hide it! Form up and keep her out of sight! Everyone, make a human wall!"

"Lady Serena, she…she actually wears black underwear…! I can't believe my eyes…!"

For some reason, the adventurers, who had half come back to reality, still tried desperately to hide Serena's exposed lower body. Serena, it appeared, lacked Aqua's power and couldn't undo my Bind magic. She also appeared to be out of patience for pretending to be nice, because she started shouting from the other side of her dress: "Damn you, Kazuma Satou! You'll pay for this! Don't think you won't! When this Bind ends, I'll—" I didn't know what she would do, but I was pretty terrified by the idea, so I decided to take countermeasures. I drew in a deep, deep breath. And then, in a voice you could hear from anywhere in town, I shouted:

"Oh nooooooooooo! The holy and famous cleric Lady Serena is here with her butt exposed for all to see!!"

"S-s-stop that!!"

4

"Master Satou, you're back."

"Yes, Miss Chief of Police, I am."

I looked at the female knight across a small desk.

Yep: I was being interrogated once again.

As the perpetrator of the Great Serena Panties Unveiling, I'd been hauled back to the police station. Maybe it hadn't been the right choice, causing a spectacle like that. Serena's followers hadn't been able to cover her, and my extremely vigorous Bind had kept her tied up for quite a while. My shouting had drawn a crowd, and some people had even started drinking right there in the street with Serena's butt for company.

The commotion also attracted the police, leading to my being arrested…again.

In the cramped room at the police station, the knight gave a sigh. "Master Satou, let me be frank. You're an immense headache."

"Hey, you think you're the only one who's got it rough here?"

After my arrest, the police had visited Darkness, but she'd refused to vouch for me again. I guess making fun of her in front of this knight the last time around was turning out to have been a catastrophic choice.

"This time that priest did file a formal complaint. We can't just turn you loose again, even as close to Lady Dustiness as you are. You'd need someone pretty influential to serve as your guarantor…" "Yeah, I can see that."

I felt bad leaning on Darkness all the time. And besides, even if she vouched for me, I was likely to just get myself arrested again pretty soon.

The lady knight sighed again, a deep, long sigh. She leaned on the table, then suddenly did a one-eighty from her stolid, serious demeanor. She started tearing at her hair. "Arrrgh, I can't believe you! I just can't! Why did you just let them take you? You wouldn't have had to fight that hard to get away from our officers!"

"Uhhh, Chief, are you sure you should be saying that?"

Suddenly, she looked at me. "What is it about that woman anyway? Everyone who saw her underwear turned into a raving fanatic for her. I know she comports herself well. In this town full of absolute weirdos, she's the rare decent person with common sense… But she gains followers too quickly. Is that what's going on? Is it the underwear? Do people become believers because she promises to show them her underpants? Can a glimpse of some panties convince even the most hard-hearted to follow her? In this line of work, I've learned from experience how twisted the residents of this town can be, but still…even I can't believe…!"

...?!

"Did you just say everyone became her followers? Just by seeing her panties?

I mean, heck, I'd love to be part of a religion where the priestesses show you their underwear, but…" Something felt really strange about this. The men of this town had been well trained by the succubi's services, and now a quick glimpse of Serena's underpants was causing them to lose their minds? Sure, they might say thank you for showing them such a beautiful thing, but it shouldn't be enough to make religious followers of them.

Thank you.

Why did those words nag at me? There was something about serving the god of revenge. Those people who followed Serena around—that guy she'd healed up was one of them. I could see how you might become a believer if someone had brought you back from the brink of death like that. But Aqua had healed people in even worse shape. She resurrected people practically on a daily basis.

So why wasn't anyone worshipping her?

Man… I felt like I was this close to the truth. Yunyun, who'd asked Serena for advice but had left disappointed, was still sane. But the people who had seen her underwear when I left her exposed were all fervent believers now.

That had to mean…!

"Master Satou! Don't just stare into space—give me an answer! Tell me the woman's secret! Out with it!"

…Oops. There it went.

"Aaarrrrrrghhhh! Why did you do that?! I was so close to figuring it all out, and you had to come butting in, you spinster knight!"

"How dare you say that! You said what should never be said! We female knights don't stay single because we like being alone! We know that having kids would impinge on our ability to do our duty, so we have to wait, hoping that some wonderful man will come along who will understand that and support us by— Don't you cover your ears, Master Satou! Listen to me! And if you're so upset about me being a spinster, maybe you could introduce me to some nice friend of yours…!"

The lady howled and shook the desk, but I tried to block her out and focus on my thoughts. Serena's powers of puppetry seemed to hinge on the creation of a debt or someone having feelings of gratitude toward her.

So how would you go about breaking that spell? Getting Aqua involved might be the quickest way, but if Serena found out who Aqua really was, we could find ourselves cornered, and I didn't want that.

But anyway, before I could take the time to worry about all that… "Master Satou! I don't care if he has a trash personality; I just want him to have a decent income and…housework. I want a husband who can do some chores around the house! And he has to say I love you to me at least once a day…!"

"Hey, Chief, slow down a minute."

"What?" The lady knight, busy running her mouth about one weird thing or other, looked at me, annoyed for some reason.

"I've got a favor to ask. I want to send a letter as quickly as possible. Money's no object. I just need to get in touch with a friend of mine at the capital."

"Okay, Master Satou, please take care! If you ever have any trouble, just let me know!"

"Y-yeah, sure… Th-thanks…" It was the day after I sent the letter. The chief of police, who'd had a complete attitude adjustment, snapped off a salute to me as refined as the one she'd given Darkness not long before. I guess she'd started to think of me as being as important as any noble.

In any event, I got her to send the letter I'd jotted down to a couple of ladies I knew in the capital… "I never imagined that you were so close not just to Lady Dustiness but even to the Sinfonia family. And to receive explicit orders in a handwritten note from Lady Claire herself. Not to be rude to you… I've never heard of her doing such a thing before."

I had written to Claire and Lain, two women who served as Iris's bodyguards.

The moment their responses arrived, all the sass vanished from the lady knight's attitude.

Now she was rubbing her hands and smiling at me. "When Mistress Lain came rushing in here clutching Lady Claire's letter and crying, I had no idea what could be going on. Ooh, Master Satou, you big womanizer! As if Lady Dustiness wasn't enough for you, you've even got Lady Claire and Mistress Lain wrapped around your little finger…!"

"Uh, I mean, well… You've got it all wrong, but okay…" What was she trying to say about me? This lady seemed to think I was intimate with Claire and Lain, too. In my letter, I simply said that I'd gotten my memory back and that I wanted to come thank them in person the second I had the chance. I added a postscript stating that at the moment I was in just a little bit of a pickle, and if they could give me their personal endorsement, that would be great.

When the officer who was sent with the message had explained to them what was happening to me, apparently Claire and Lain both immediately agreed to be my guarantors.

"…Hey, where are my two saviors anyway? I'd like to say hi to them."

"Lady Claire reports that starting today, she's going to be taking a vacation far away in a very well-hidden summer home, so even if you go to the capital, you absolutely won't see her. As for Mistress Lain, after instructing us to free you and signing her and Lady Claire's names as your guarantors, she immediately teleported away."

Gosh, how frightened were they of me?

Anyway, the knight showed me out of the police station. Every cop we passed stood perfectly straight and still, saluting us.

The knight clasped her hands behind herself and smiled, tilting her head slightly. "Master Satou," she said. "I think we could manage to look the other way if a little trouble was to occur in this town. So please, investigate or harass that priest just as much as you wish!"

"Erm, y-yeah, thanks…" Was this town really safe? This knight or noble or whoever she was was very easy to read… "After everything you said about idolizing Darkness, I guess I thought maybe you'd be a little more of a straight arrow…" "What the rest of us idolize and find extremely cool is that such a prominent noble, who must have her pick of the litter when it comes to handsome men, nonetheless persists in remaining single. It's extremely heartening to those of us who are still alone… That reminds me. Master Satou, I see now what an excellent person you are, with a strong reputation and, as I recall, even your own mansion. And you've accumulated enough wealth that it might well be called a fortune, yes?"

"I…I guess?"

...… "I'm twenty-three, single, remarkably loyal, told that I look amazing naked, and Aloerina is my n—" "Okay, see ya! I really owe you; I promise I'll pay you back one day!"

I had a really bad feeling about this, so I hurried to get myself out of the police station.

Outside, fresh from my extremely cordial send-off from the station, I found the light blinding. My eyes must have been used to the gloom of the detention area. There was someone standing there, but with my fuzzy vision, I couldn't tell who. Then I made out the bright blue hair shimmering in the morning light and a light-blue feather cloak that gave off a pleasant vibe.

It was Aqua, whom I hadn't seen in so long, standing there with her arms open wide and a sweet, welcoming smile on her face. She looked like she was greeting a long-lost friend who'd finally come back home.

"Kazuma, welcome home! You've done amazing work!"

I thought I'd told her to stay in the house… Why couldn't she listen to what a guy said even once?

All right, to be fair, I wasn't completely unhappy. She might not have known exactly what was going on, but even though she'd been warned it was dangerous for her to be outside, she'd still come to meet me upon my release.

Feeling a bit better, I started to make my way toward Aqua… "Now you've enjoyed the police station's hospitality even more times than I have, Kazuma. You can't call me an ex-con anymore! So how does it feel? You called the police on me the last time I tried to barricade myself inside the house. And then you called me an ex-con and gave me a real hard time. So how does it feel? How do you feel right now?"

... What a bitch!

"Don't tell me you came all this way just to give me an earful! Anyway, screw you! Why do you think I've had so many run-ins with the law? I've only been arrested because I've been trying to do the right thing and keep my town safe!

Getting hauled in for stupid little offenses like the ones you commit isn't even the same thing, you goddess of crime!"

"Waaaaahhh! How dare you make fun of me! You're going to get so much divine punishment, you dumbass NEET! Why have you been to the police station so many times, then? Go on, tell me! If you're really so innocent, then tell me what's going on!"

Grrr, I haven't seen her in forever, and I already want to slap her!

If I could tell her what was going on, we wouldn't be having this problem!

Then there was Serena. She'd been so infuriated that I wouldn't have put it past her to lie in wait to attack me the moment I got out of jail. But no matter what happened, even if I met the very worst fate imaginable, as long as Aqua was safe, she could get me out of it somehow with her resurrection magic.

Anyway, that was a last resort. Serena seemed hostile to Aqua for some reason—maybe because they were both priests—and I wanted to get her back home as quickly as I could.

I made a shooing motion and said, "Arrrgh, fine, I'm sorry. I just don't like that priest, so I was giving her a hard time. There's no other special reason to speak of, so get back to the house and stay there. What'd you do to Darkness and Megumin anyway? They were supposed to be keeping an eye on you."

"They're both prisoners of my ultimate technique, the Hundred Hazes. It's this incredible performance, and once it starts, it goes on for a good half a day.

Anyway, I'm sick of being shut up in the house. Unlike a certain professional NEET, I want to go outside every once in a while. It's no fair, Kazuma—you've been out all the time recently. Invite me to your sleepovers sometime!"

Aqua positioned herself beside me as she spoke. Apparently, this moron was eager to tag along with me even though she had no idea what I was doing. I privately resolved myself to have her show me this secret technique of hers some other time; meanwhile, I was deciding what to do with her.

…Well, for starters, it might be nice to get some mental fresh air. The food at the police station wasn't exactly fine dining. Maybe Aqua and I could grab something to eat while I tried to talk her around… So we headed down the street, meaning to stop at a random restaurant. I was trying to think about what I would say to her when just ahead, I saw the absolute last crowd I wanted to run into right now. Of course, I was talking about… "Yo, if it isn't Kazuma Satou. You got out faster than I expected. Didja know I've been waiting for you…? And you've got a little friend with you, huh? All right, let's settle this. I'm itching for a fight!"

…Serena, her eyes bloodshot and her usual composure nowhere to be seen.

And she had her followers with her…

5

"Kazuma! Kazumaaaaa!! What's going on here?! Why are they all chasing us?!

I haven't done anything to deserve any chasing! I mean…nothing serious anyway!"

"That means you did do something! When they get their sanity back, I want you to apologize to them! Dammit! She must have made all kinds of new followers while I was in jail! We're barreling through town, and nobody's even looking at us!"

Aqua and I were dashing down the streets, trying to get away. Heck, there must've been at least ten other adventurers chasing us, but nobody on the streets even seemed to flinch at the commotion. Thankfully, Aqua's magic buffs were keeping us out of harm's way for now, but it seemed like only a matter of time before they cornered us.

Come to think of it… "I was so sure she was more the cerebral type! Instead, I pull a few little pranks on her, and she completely loses it! She's not even trying to be subtle anymore!"

At least the last time she'd attacked me, Serena had acted concerned that people might see her. Now that possibility didn't seem to worry her at all.

Either the gloves were really off, or she had brainwashed just that many people in town.

Aqua, running beside me with tears in her eyes, shouted, "Hey! I heard the complaint against you was sexual harassment! What the heck did you do to make such a sweet and loving priest so mad at you?!"

"I didn't do anything…too bad! I just pulled some pranks on her, and then I used ice magic to shut her up in a house with no toilet, and then I spread some unflattering rumors about her, and then I called a whole crowd together and showed them her underwear for about an hour!"

"Geez, I don't think you're allowed to complain if she wants to kill you!"

Dammit!

As we ran, I overturned the street-side displays of stores we passed in hopes of tripping up our pursuers. Shop owners shouted angrily behind me, but I didn't have time to apologize or pay everyone back.

If Serena could rampage through town like this, it meant we probably had a lot of enemies already. There was no telling who had been "puppeted." So Aqua and I did the most obvious thing. We headed for a less populated part of town.

Aqua might not have known what was going on, but she obediently followed me. This was bad. If anything happened to her, I might not be able to get resurrected anymore. Should I have Aqua head for the police station alone? Or maybe we should go straight back to the mansion…!

"Aqua, don't you sense anything at all when you look at those people?! I'm sure you can see straight through what's going on, like you did when Darkness's dad was cursed! Don't you feel any evil power from them?!"

"My unclouded eye sees that at this moment, the evilest man in town is running right next to me!"

What a bitch!

I stopped worrying about how to help her escape and started thinking that if I tripped her right now and sent her tumbling into the oncoming mob, maybe I could use the opportunity to escape. Just at that moment, though, a triumphant shout came from behind us.

"That corner leads to a dead end, Kazuma Satou! Too bad for you! Didn't you notice how the people on the street were acting? They were drawing you toward a less populated area! For your fate awaits you there…!"

She was right: Around that corner was a dead end, just a big wall.

Of course, I'd lived in this town long enough to know all about it.

"All right, Aqua, they're going to catch us at this rate. I want you to lean up against the wall and huddle down! I'll use you as a footstool to get on top of the wall! Then I can pull you up from above, simple as that!"

"I see! That's a great idea! In that case, why don't you lean against the wall?!

I'll climb up and then pull you after me!"

"Wh-why, you…!"

I'd been running as fast as I could, but Aqua wasn't even breathing hard. We'd been together so long that we each knew what the other was thinking. So at almost the same moment, we turned the corner and…!

"Hff! Hff! S-so you finally see, do you, Kazuma Satou…?! That's a g-good priest you've got there; those magical—hff, hff!—buffs are something… Hff, hff…" Serena rounded the corner and, between gasps for air, started to close in on us.

It took her a moment to realize. To notice that Aqua and I hadn't stopped because we'd resigned ourselves to our fate.

She followed our eyes to see what we were looking at. And she found… "Hello and welcome! We've been waiting for you, O honored customers! It's such fine weather today, we decided to get some fresh air and do a little selling to boot!"

"Oh, welcome, welcome! Vanir, you were right—the customers really did come to us!"

Wiz and Vanir had put out a blanket on the ground and set up shop right there in the alley.

I'm so sick of this all-seeing devil.

6

"Hey," Aqua said, "what are you selling here? Wait… Are you okay? Your head is smoking…" "Oh, yes. Vanir was quite upset with me earlier. 'We finally moved that bug choleran, and what do you do? You go and stock more worthless items!' But I'm quite all right, Lady Aqua; I was given some sugar water, so my body should regenerate shortly, and if there's any real danger, then we could get some water from somewhere… Oh, why, Lady Aqua, that's the item Vanir especially recommends today!"

Aqua was squatting beside Wiz and examining the merchandise as they had a friendly conversation that sounded completely out of place given the current situation.

"Yo, Vanir, what's going on here? Didn't you get enough cash after fleecing me out of everything I had on me?"

"You aren't secretly behind everything that happens in this world, are you?" I said. "What are you doing here with a street shop right where I got chased while running for my life? Just how far can you see?"

Serena and I both advanced on Vanir. Serena's followers kept a polite distance; maybe she'd ordered them to.

Vanir only laughed at us. "Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Neither of you need be so upset!

As it is my current calling in life to accumulate money, I shall appear anywhere if the scent of cold hard cash is in the air. Oh, don't worry—I've got items here that I believe both of you will want. How about it? Won't you have a look?"

Vanir was one thing, but we couldn't start fighting right in front of Wiz.

Serena and I glanced at each other, then decided to call a temporary truce.

…Actually, was now the time to break our deal and tell Wiz everything? With her, Vanir, and even a full-fledged goddess on my side, I felt like I might be able to pull it off somehow. The trick was, as friendly as I was with Vanir and Wiz, I wasn't sure whose side they would join. I didn't know anything about their relationship with Serena, just that they used to be colleagues.

I did remember that when another general of the Demon King, a slime named Hans, had dared to harm a human, Wiz had flown off the handle. Apparently, Hans had broken some agreement she had with the Demon King's army. I didn't know how that would play out right now, though. After all, Wiz was still a general of the Demon King, at least in name. If nothing else, I thought I could assume she wouldn't join Serena in attacking the town, but still… "Listen up, and don't get any weird ideas, okay? Let's just play it nice and calm for now," Serena leaned over and whispered into my ear, as if she could read my mind… That was the scary thing about her: Unlike so many of the other generals I'd run into in the past, she could use her head.

"All right, you two, rather than having your little secret conversation, why not come over and take a look at my merchandise? I don't have to use my all-seeing power to know you're going to love what I've got for you."

Serena and I looked at each other again. Vanir sounded like a real sleaze.

After a moment, he produced a piece of paper. "We can start with this! Let's see… Shall not interfere… Cause no obstruction to… Ah, yes! It's a written oath from yours truly, stating that I shall by no means get in the way of anyone plotting anything in this town, no matter what …" Almost before he had finished speaking, Serena snatched the paper out of his hand. Come to think of it, he'd said he would hold Serena's personal information confidential, since she was a customer, but he hadn't said he wouldn't interfere with her. Devils like Vanir were always going on about contracts and stuff. Damn, I should've grabbed it first… "Tell you what, Vanir. I guarantee I can pay more for it than she can. Wanna sell it to me?"

Serena, though, triumphantly said, "Now, now, early bird gets the worm, am I right? How much is it, Vanir? Give me a number."

"730,000 eris. 330 eris cheaper than normal."

"That's everything I have! Again! I've been saving up all I can recently! The least you could do is go easy on me!" Serena shouted, but it didn't stop her from flinging her purse at him.

"Always a pleasure!"

Wait… "Hey, Serena, come to think of it, I loaned you some money, didn't I?! Give it back! You said that if I tried to stop you all on my own, you would face me fair and square like a general should! If you'd face me one-on-one, that would be one thing, but if you're going to get a bunch of your lackeys to chase me around town, then I want my money back! …Heh-heh, though I guess then you won't have enough to buy that paper from Vanir!"

"Y-you filthy…! Dammit, fine. Hey, you!" Serena called to one of her followers.

The guy had been standing and staring vacantly; now he shuffled over to her, still expressionless.

"Give me some money," she said, grabbing cash from him and then thrusting it at me. "There, is this enough?"

Shoot! I should have known it wouldn't be so easy.

No…wait.

"...…? …H-huh…? What am I doing here…?"

"Feh!"

Serena gave a click of her tongue: The moment she took his money, the adventurer regained his senses.

...Well, now.

"Ahem, might I have a moment?" Serena said sweetly to the revived adventurer.

"That's so weird. I could swear I was… Oh yes, Miss Serena, what is it? Say, why are you holding up your skirt? …Hrk?!"

Acting all embarrassed, Serena lifted her skirt to show him what was underneath. "Sir… What do you think about this?"

The man virtually began to worship her when he saw what was under Serena's skirt. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank…you…" Slowly, his eyes unfocused again.

...Well, now.

Aqua and Wiz began holding a whispered conference.

"Hey, did you see that? She pretends to be a sweet, innocent priest, but she just did something really lewd! Yuck, what a pervert!"

"My goodness! I always knew Miss Seresdina was a bit rough around the edges, but in the short time since I saw her last, she's gotten bold, too…!"

"Who's Seresdina? Do you know that priest?"

Serena ignored them completely, studying the now-docile adventurer. When she saw me looking at her, she clicked her tongue again and glanced away. "All right, Vanir, now you won't get in my way, right?! This paper constitutes a contract with me, right?"

"Yes, you may consider it a contract. And we devils never break a contract. So you may relax… Now, my punkish pal."

I was starting to get it: If you felt you owed Serena something, then she controlled you. And the way to break out of the puppet state was to repay that debt in whatever form. Just like when the guy had "given" Serena some money.

Then she'd shown him her panties because she'd seen how effective it was at gaining followers when I had her tied up. She wasn't wrong—it was a pretty efficient way to create puppets.

"All right, punko. Next, I have something I think you'll find quite attractive."

…Huh? But then, when I'd tied Serena up, the guys who had already been puppeted who saw her panties actually came back to their senses for a moment. How did that work…?

"…Hey, O one who's taken advantage of his nights out recently to avail himself of a certain service, enjoying not only the two ladies at his mansion but practically every female here—" "Right, let's see what you've got for me! How about it, Vanir? What do you want me to buy? Just name it—the money's burning a hole in my pocket!"

Serena was looking at me like I was human garbage as I inspected what Vanir had brought for me.

"…The heck is this?"

"Collected in this case is our useless potion series, which our silly shopkeeper stocked some time ago."

He was literally calling them useless.

"Take this, for example! The new formula stat-up potion. A magically reformulated, highly valuable stat-raising brew, more powerful than the original!"

"And what are the side effects?"

"The counterpart stat to whatever was raised decreases by the same amount."

The counterpart stat?

"Give me an example. What happens if I drink that?"

"Say your Strength stat goes through the roof. But in exchange, your Intelligence plummets."

Ahhh.

"But maybe if you were a class that didn't need much Intelligence, like a warrior, it might actually be helpful?"

The moment I showed any interest in the potion, Serena plucked it out of Vanir's hand. "Just how much would your Intelligence drop?"

"It would be lower than the blue-haired priest friend of the boy there."

I grabbed the potion and shoved it back at Vanir.

"How about this, then?" he said. "Forbidden potion series one! A potion that will make you attractive to magical monsters for the rest of your life, perfect for leveling up! A potion that will boost your magic sky-high but kill off all the hair on your body! Another that will send your level off the charts…at the cost of losing all your magic! A potion that makes you attractive to the opposite sex but causes your body odor to smell like that of a goblin! And a special recommendation for the hard-core masochists among us who'd like to go through all that difficult training again, the level reset potion!"

"These might as well be industrial waste! I don't need any of these!" I interjected.

That was when Vanir said, "And finally, a potion that undoes puppet-ification!"

""Wait, what?"" That was one hell of an item to just throw in at the last moment there!

"Ah, I see I've caught your interest! This potion cures the unique status ailment called Puppet. There are no longer any monsters known to exist today that inflict this ailment, and presently only the occasional minor Dark God makes any use of it…" "How dare you! Lady Regina is not a 'minor' deity!"

I took the potion from Vanir, ignoring the enraged Serena.

"This is the only one you have?"

Vanir pointed at Wiz. Right there where Aqua was crouched down with her, there was a practical pile of potions. Damn…help was help, but I hated to play right into Vanir's hands like that. I suspected Serena felt the same way, even though we were enemies.

She looked at the potions and growled, "I thought we had a contract. You said you wouldn't interfere with me."

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hear the declaration of the all-seeing devil! If the boy takes this potion, it will certainly not interfere with you! Indeed, a moment shall come when you will be profoundly grateful that he has it. Now, boy, the forbidden potion series and the anti-Puppet potion I just gave you are on the house! Because this is where the real fun begins! I have over there a complete case of anti-Puppet potions, yours for the special price of—" But just as Vanir was cackling wildly and pointing to the box of potions, we heard: "Oh no, Lady Aqua! What are you doing? It's true we have no use for those potions, but Vanir spent all morning getting them together. You can't dip your finger in them!"

"I know, but you're looking so pale. You need a little water. If the potions are useless anyway, then it won't matter. Here, I'll change them all into nice, clean water for you, and you can pour them over your head."

"Thank you, Lady Aqua, I really appreciate it… But this water has some of your holy power in it, and it sort of makes me tingle…" """...""" Vanir, Serena, and I all went quiet. Vanir, who'd had us in the palm of his hand, was looking absolutely stupefied.

""…Pfffft!"" "!"

We knew it was no laughing matter, but Serena and I couldn't resist.

7

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I, even I myself, have been foolish! I should have finished you off sooner, O toilet goddess!"

"I'd like to see you try, you masked moron! I don't know what you were trying to foist on Kazuma, but aren't you embarrassed that you couldn't even pull it off? And you call yourself the Great Devil? Did you make up that name? How's it feel to have all your goods go bad? Come on, tell me! Because I love it! Pfffft, heh-heh-heh!"

""..."" "Vanir Death Ray!"

"Reflect!"

I pointed to the commotion and muttered to Serena, "Hey, what do we do about those two?"

"Don't ask me—I have no idea. Who is that priest anyway? She's going toe to toe with Vanir."

Well, she's, um, a goddess.

Serena sighed deeply, glancing at a slightly singed Wiz—who probably got in the way of an especially powerful attack or something—and then closing her eyes. "Wiz is the only one who seems like she would have any chance of stopping them, and they practically fried her. I don't think either of us will be able to do anything. Sigh… This is getting ridiculous. I don't think any good can come of being involved with you. You keep too many freaks and weirdos around you. Not counting your friend who's holding her own against Vanir right now, it's all troublemakers in your circle, right?"

I couldn't really deny that. From my famously stuck-in-the-head friend, to all the people of Crimson Magic Village, including a certain artificially augmented little sister, she was right.

The expression on my face must have said it all, because Serena looked a little taken aback, then grimaced. "Hmm… Anyway, forget it. I'm giving up on this town. I'll be honest: I underestimated you. I should have gone all out from the start." Then she sighed deeply. She looked glumly at Vanir and Aqua, who were still fighting.

Well, I couldn't blame her. Who could seriously take on this gaggle of lunatics?

"You misguided goddess, you're going to pay me back for all the potions you just ruined!"

"Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! O devil who always thinks everything is going just the way he wants until the very, very last moment! I refuse to pay you back. If anything, you should pay me for turning your useless potions into delicious Aqua water!"

"Don't imitate the way I address people! That's my very identity!! I can't stand it anymore! I'm going to take every last coin you have on you!"

...Yeah. I couldn't blame her one bit.

If it was going to work out for the best, though, that was fine by me. And it meant the "revenge for Aqua" thing was on hold for the time being.

...… No, no! I didn't kick Serena because Aqua was feeling a little down. I didn't pick a fight with a general of the Demon King because Aqua suddenly seemed sad and lonely. That moron had nothing to do with it! I'd chosen to do it to clear the creeping guilt in my conscience.

I had to repeat that to myself a few times, but I managed to tell Serena, "So we're parting amicably, are we? Look, I'm telling the truth when I say I have zero interest in the Demon King, and he doesn't have to consider me a threat at all, okay? Gotta be honest—things in this town are so quiet that it's kind of hard to believe the Demon King and humanity really are at war for the fate of the world. Personally, I would be just as happy to stay out of it and not make any waves."

"Yeah, okay, great. I'll be sure to let the king know that you and this town aren't anything he has to worry about. I'll show myself out of here, too. Good enough for you?"

I let out a breath of relief. "So that's the deal… Hoo, you said you weren't that strong in terms of the Demon King's generals, but I have to say, I was pretty freaked out when I was facing you. Why would a general even worry about a small-fry, weakest-class guy like me? Make plans your own size…" I was starting to let my mouth get ahead of my brain again as I reflected on how anxious I'd felt recently.

Serena shrugged, still watching Vanir and Aqua. "Hey, we've got problems of our own. Not that it matters now. Urgh, I don't like this… Everything might be tied up neatly for you, but I've got to go report to the king now." Serena didn't sound very happy as she observed the goddess/devil throw down with mounting exasperation. "I had orders: get you to join us or kill you… Well, I'll talk my way out of it somehow. I've had my fill of you. I'll even forget that you exposed me in public. So I want you to forget everything, too."

"Uh-huh, sure. So we're even now, right?"

Serena pulled something like a pipe and tobacco from the folds of her priestly vestments. She packed some of the tobacco-like stuff into the pipe, then lit it with something that looked very familiar to me.

Then she slowly breathed out some smoke… "I guess this is the end of the Demon King's pursuit of you. Oh, um, also. That friend of yours, Megumin—was that her name? There's a bounty on her, too.

Want me to get rid of it?"

What, seriously? When had she managed that? Although she would probably be happy to know the Demon King had put a price on her head… "Yeah, please, for sure. Wait, you mean there's no bounty on my head? If there is, get rid of that, too, if the number's very big."

"Sure, I can take care of that. I'll make certain it's all neat and tidy." Looking a little annoyed, she blew out more smoke, then took another drag on her pipe.

"…Geez. The least you could do is be grateful," she said. She never looked at me, though. She just gazed at Aqua and Vanir, still fighting, and took another puff.

"Yeah, I'm grateful all right. Seriously, though, what were you planning in this town? It's just a bunch of amateurs who—" ...Huh?

Why did I suddenly feel so…weird?

"Finally, you said it."

Serena still wouldn't look at me. Just, fwoo, another exhalation of smoke.

I…I said it? What…what did I say?

Why did I feel so out of it? Why was my head…getting…hazy…?

…Oh.

Oh…shit…!

"Ha, you're something else," Serena said. "I think you've figured out how my power works by now, right? No one else ever got so close to putting all the pieces together."

Shit! Shit… What a dirty trick…!

With Vanir and Aqua fighting, I'd gotten too caught up in the moment and let my guard down… "You want to know what I was planning in a town full of novice adventurers?

I'll answer all your questions; just be sure to thank me, okay? You asked, so I'll answer. But you owe me for it, all right?"

No… No…! Stoppit! Don't say anything else; I don't need to hear any more!

The thought boomed in my head, but I just couldn't get my voice to come out.

In fact, my body didn't seem to be reacting to my instructions; my movements were slow and weak.

"No fair, using Wiz as a shield! …Hey, she's turning kind of transparent…" "Then you need only cease unleashing your waves of magical destruction! … Hmm? Oops, it seems I've overdone it. That's my danger signal. If we keep going like this, our shopkeeper will disappear."

"Wh-wh-what do we do?! Tell me—what should we do? If I use healing magic, she's a goner!"

"There's sugar water in that bag over there; just douse her with it. Works every time. She'll snap back to life like a rhinoceros beetle…probably…" Aqua and Vanir were fussing over Wiz, who was looking a little see-through.

Serena finally looked at me.

On her lips was a triumphant smile.

"Know what? It won't be too long before the army is sent to this town. This place is a backwater, though, a long way from the front lines. You can't get an army here by marching it along the byways. So instead, a handful of units are going to teleport in. That should be plenty, though, to overwhelm a town full of novices."

Stop! Don't tell me this.

"You know a fallen angel called Duke? He went missing in this town."

…?

Oh yeah, I remembered him: He'd challenged Wiz to a fight, claiming he was going to become a general of the Demon King's army.

"There's my answer. Did you take him out, too? I got a report from him before he disappeared. He said to be wary of you."

That bastard! He didn't need to do that! But I did seem to remember him saying something about Axel being considered an important strategic point. In other words, if this town was attacked…would it be my fault?

Okay, I couldn't worry about that right now. If I heard any more than this, I was going to be in real trouble!

"Hey, don't get the wrong idea, all right? The army's had its eye on this place for a long time now. From back before you really got their attention by taking out all those generals and bounty hunters."

Stop…!

... "Wh-why is that…?" I couldn't seem to get my mouth to work when I wanted it to, but now it forced itself open. Even though I knew that hearing more of Serena's secrets would only tighten her puppet strings around me, I couldn't seem to stop myself… "Exactly because this town is full of novices," she said. "Because this is the first place they go. I may be a general of the Demon King now, but I'm still human. I used to be an adventurer once myself, y'know? When I wanted to get my start, where do you think I went? That's right—I came straight here to Axel.

Everyone gets their first quest here. It's 'the town for beginning adventurers'!

Built specifically where the world's weakest monsters live."

In game terms, it's the starter town. If it was supposed to be all beginners and novices, though, why did I feel like my group and I had so much trouble?

"So here's the question: What if this town for novice adventurers was to disappear? For a complete and utter beginner, even the rusty blade of a goblin, normally considered a nice, easy target, is dangerous. And Giant Toads, which are simple enough to hunt if you get a few people together, live only in this exact area. So if this town disappears, where do novices go to train?"

…Ahhh.

"Starting to get the picture? With the exception of the Crimson Magic Clan and their weird farming gimmick, every single adventurer worth their salt starts here. They raise their levels, then move on to other towns. At least, everyone does who doesn't have a special reason to stay here. And after that, one way or another, they always end up getting in our way."

No, no, I couldn't listen to this… "Now that the guys with the weird names have stopped showing up, if we can get rid of this town, the supply of adventurers will dry up. And the leader of the Demon King's generals, the Demon King's daughter? Pretty soon she'll be commanding a major assault on the stronghold defending the front lines, along with the capital. Betcha a lot of adventurers will get hurt very badly. They'll all carry on, in the blind faith that more fighting strength is on the way. And when they hear that this town, this incubator for adventurers, is gone, what do you think will happen?"

Well, I guess their morale would drop, obviously. In a world teeming with monsters, rebuilding a single town could take decades… Arrrgh… My consciousness is…slipping away… "Had about enough of my story? This power isn't a curse. There isn't a person alive who can resist it. Not even a man of your caliber. But don't worry. If I give an order you really don't want to follow, you can fight it. But doing so will hurt —badly. I know you; you're not just going to go quietly along with my puppeteering, are you? Now, I think I'll have a little fun seeing just how well you can resist my commands…" She sounded pretty eager. I finally felt like I couldn't think anything anymore… The last thing I heard was Serena whispering to me.

"Bend your ear to me… Isn't there something that smolders deep in your heart? All the humiliation you've endured up to this moment, the outrages, the injustices, the mockery…bring it to mind. The people of this town don't take you seriously, do they? Don't they make fun of you for being in the weakest class?

Aren't you angry with your party members for always slowing you down?"

Her words worked their way into my chest; they sounded so lovely.

"That's right. Ask yourself: Why do I always have to clean up their messes?

Well, you don't have to put up with it anymore. Throw away the goodness of your heart. Cast aside common decency. Rid yourself of restraint and virtue.

Join me in taking revenge. My comrades will reach this town eventually. When they do, you will join my puppets and me in striking from within. Yes, let us have vengeance on the people of this town. Let your former party members know of your wrath!"

"Wiz, are you okay? Hey, do you recognize me?"

"…? Lady Aqua? And…Vanir? What's the matter? Why are you looking at me from so close…?"

"Mm, if you lack your memories of the immediate past, then there's no need to recall exactly what happened. It will go well with you if you don't try too hard to recall it."

"H-he's right! If you don't remember, I'm sure that's a sign that it's best for you not to!" Aqua, crouching beside Wiz, called, "Kazuma, I think it's time for us to go home. I'm scared of Darkness and Megumin—while you've been away, they've been moping around the mansion acting like bears in a cave. I need you to come back and make them feel better."

Then she came walking toward me. She kept her distance from Serena but reached out to lead me home… I dodged her outstretched hand.

"...…?" She looked at me, befuddled.

Serena was watching her, obviously enjoying herself. Her shoulders started to tremble as she tried to hold back her laughter. "This man, you see… He says he never wants to go home to you again. He's my comrade now. Isn't that right, Kazuma? You don't need the potion that cures puppetry anymore, either, do you? Go ahead—tell her!"

As Lady Serena spoke, I said, "I'm going to become a follower of Regina. I'm going to follow Lady Serena in everything I do from now on. Say good-bye to everyone for me."

8

Lady Serena walked ahead of me, lost in thought. I wondered what was wrong. Was she worried about something? Then she stopped in her tracks and turned back to me. "So…you're my puppet now, aren't you? You'll obey everything I say, right?"

Strange that she should ask about something so obviously true. Giving her a serious look, like I couldn't imagine why she was asking, I said, "But of course, Lady Serena. For your sake, Lady Serena, if you told me to hold up that heavy-looking chest of yours all day in place of a bra, I would gladly obey."

"Er, r-right, that's good. I would never order you to do something so stupid, though; don't worry. None of my other puppets have offered to become followers of Lady Regina, though, so I was just wondering. Hrm… Guess I'm overthinking it…" She continued to look perplexed by me but nonetheless resumed walking.

After a moment, her shoulders began shaking, as if she couldn't restrain her joy.

"Finally," she whispered, softly enough that only I could hear. "Do you understand what this means, Kazuma? Do you know how long I've waited for this moment?! How long I've felt suffocated in the Demon King's army, ever since those Crimson Magic morons kidnapped Lady Regina and sealed her up?!"

"I don't know, milady."

"Then shut up and listen! For some reason, several years ago, Lady Regina's seal was suddenly broken. I thought that would restore my power, but that only happened recently. One day, out of the blue, the power I'd received from Lady Regina came flooding back! She finally gave me her blessing as recompense for all the years I've labored for her!"

"Maybe you were just the only follower of Regina left, Lady Serena."

"I told you to shut up and listen; don't rain on my parade!"

After I'd said I would become a follower of Regina, Aqua howled something tearfully, but Lady Serena led me away, and we left Aqua and everyone else behind. Incidentally, I gave Aqua the un-puppet-ification potion I'd gotten from Vanir in order to stop her crying. She didn't seem to understand what it was, though. Now that I was a respectful and obedient follower of Lady Serena, I didn't need to have such a dangerous thing around.

Then Lady Serena told me that, now that she had a superb pawn like me in her possession, she was going to move to a new base. Apparently, she had been even so kind as to weaken her control over her other puppets in order to strengthen her control over me. I guess she had a finite quantity of control or something. Maybe there was even a limit to the number of people she could puppet at one time. The very fact that she was interested in increasing her control over me was a sign of how much she needed my strength and me.

As Lady Serena walked ahead of me in high spirits, I decided to take the opportunity to ask something that seemed pressing. "By the way, Lady Serena," I said. "Are there any conditions that would free me from being your puppet?"

Lady Serena stopped cold at that. "Are you really my puppet? If you are, why would you need to know that?" She didn't look at me, but her voice was hard.

"Oh, it's just that on the off chance your control over me should falter, Lady Serena, I would certainly find that most disagreeable. I want to be able to steer clear of anything that might undo this condition."

She seemed surprised by how calmly I answered. Finally, she turned and looked at me; then she took my face in both hands and scrutinized me very, very carefully. "Are you…? No, I feel Lady Regina's power emanating from you, and very strongly at that. Weird. I wonder if this is… You know, if I made my control too powerful, and the brainwashing is working too well… You're less like a puppet and more like a servant thinking and acting on his own. Hrm, well, never mind—that's perfect for me. You just keep at it."

"Certainly, Lady Serena," I replied promptly, and she looked pleased.

"Excellent. Then let me answer your question—and this will be something else you owe me for. The first thing is if you repay your debt to me. I think you knew that already. Next, is having a strong sense of faith. You remember how when you tied me up and exposed my panties, everyone came to their senses for a moment? A particularly fortuitous happenstance, something that makes people give thanks to their own deity for their good fortune, is dangerous. I don't know what god you believe in, but watch out, okay?"

"It's all right—I believe in Lady Regina. If I was to stumble into a sexy situation with you, Lady Serena, like if I walked in on you in the bath, for example, I would give tremendous thanks to Lady Regina."

"O-okay… I mean, don't force it, all right? Everyone believes in something, no matter who they are. It doesn't have to be one of the gods. Some people worship devils or even Dark Gods, but there's always something. Before you came to have faith in Lady Regina, what did you believe in?"

"Nothing. I was nonsectarian."

"Ha, nonsectarian, nice. Well, if you don't want to say, that's all right. I think we're going to get along just fine, buddy."

"Buddy." She'd called me "buddy." It inspired me to work even harder for Lady Serena's sake.

We were standing in front of an attractive little inn.

"I think we'll stay here for tonight. Looks a little expensive, but we can indulge every once in a while. All right, Kazuma, cough up the cash."

My reply was immediate. "No way."

"What did you just say?"

"I said I refuse, ma'am. If I was to pay money, that would mean repaying the debt I owe you. I would no longer be your puppet."

"Y-yeah… Of course… Wait, but— Huh? Ahhh, forget it…" Lady Serena, looking somewhat confounded, pulled out her purse. Then she opened it and… "Oh! Crap, I forgot Vanir fleeced me again! Kazuma, forget about debts or whatever for the moment and give me some money! I've released several of my other puppets to make my hold over you stronger. Lending me a few coins won't stop you from—" "We mustn't, Lady Serena! It starts with a few coins, but it'll lead to your undoing! In all the manga and video games I know of, the villain always has a handle on things and then gets lax at the last minute, leading to their defeat.

We've got no choice. I'll go try to wheedle some money out of someone."

"'M-manga'? 'Video games'…? A-anyway, okay, sounds good. Wait… But wouldn't that mean I was asking you to repay a favor…?"

I left Lady Serena muttering to herself and went over to an adventurer wandering around near the inn. "Excuse me, my good sir, but might I have a moment? I hate to say this, but Lady Serena over there is hard up for cash and can't afford a room at the inn. Would you be so kind as to spare some of your abundance for the poor, pitiful Lady Serena, who simply has no idea how to get by in the world?"

"What?!" I heard Lady Serena exclaim from behind me.

The man in front of me, though, got out his wallet without a second thought.

"Lady Serena's in trouble? Just leave it to me! I can't let poor Lady Serena… Lady Serena? Why am I calling her 'Lady'? …Eh, anyway, here. Geez, a priest begging for alms. Try to keep it together, huh, Serena?"

"Oh… U-um, yes, thank you…" Lady Serena looked at the ground as if embarrassed. The man gave us some cash and then wandered away.

Apparently, he was one of Lady Serena's followers—or had been. Giving us the money just now had released him from his puppet status, but that didn't matter.

After all, Lady Serena had me.

"Oh man… That guy was a pretty capable adventurer… Well, no choice, I guess. Let's go, Kazuma. Take that money and pay the nice inn people."

"Yes, ma'am. Now, before that…" I went over to Lady Serena, who was looking tired somehow. Before I paid for the accommodations, I grabbed her ample bosom. And then, without a word, I squeezed.

""...…"" Lady Serena and I looked at each other silently.

I continued squeezing her soft breasts.

Then Lady Serena abruptly swept my hands away.

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-what the hell?! Hey, hold on! What are you doing? Seriously, what are you doing?" she shouted, heedless in her panic that anyone might see us.

"Calm down, please, Lady Serena. People are looking."

"That's my line! Of course people are looking! What do you think you're doing, just grabbing my breasts out of the blue?!"

She said the strangest things.

"What are you talking about? I went and got that money for you, didn't I, Lady Serena? In other words, I owed you a little less than before. If I didn't derive some additional benefit from you, my puppet-ification might have come undone. But you don't have money, my lady. So I figured you could pay me this way."

"?!?!?!?! R-really? Wait…what? Something's wrong here. That adventurer saw himself as giving the money to me… That caused him to look down on me, and that's why he was freed from my puppeteering, so that basically means I got the money myself… Huh?"

I ignored Lady Serena—I didn't really understand what she was talking about anyway—and went to pay for our accommodations.

"Hoo… I thought I'd really gotten my hands on a trump card, but now I'm starting to wonder… I feel like I hardly know what's going on anymore…" Lady Serena sighed and closed her eyes, lying back on the bed. She seemed to be worried about something; I wondered what could be the matter.

Poor, tired Lady Serena. Maybe I should rub her shoulders.

"That sounds very stressful, milady. May I give you a shoulder massage?"

"Hmm? Would you? That sounds nice, actually…" She opened one eye.

"…Hey, what are you doing in my room anyway?"

She said the strangest things.

"What a question, ma'am. With that amount of money, I was only able to rent one room. Don't worry about me; I don't mind if the bed is a little small for two."

"I'm not worried about you! I'm worried about me! What is it with you?! How can you act like us sleeping together is totally okay?! I thought you would be more of a shrinking violet when it came to women!"

"You commanded me, Lady Serena. You told me to abandon restraint, goodness of heart, decency, and virtue. I'm simply following your orders, milady, but it feels like I've been reborn somehow."

"Is that what this is about?!" she yelled, sitting up in bed and clutching her head. Then, sounding spent, she said, "So…if I was to tell you to forget those orders, I'd be incurring an exceptional debt to you, huh?"

"Lady Serena, you took the limiter off my heart, and it's brought indescribable fulfillment to my life. If you order me to control myself again, it would take a lot more than a little boob squeeze to make up for it."

"Urgh," Lady Serena groaned, sitting on the bed and holding her head in her hands. "Hey…why do I have to provide you a place to sleep? You could at least get somewhere to stay on your own. My other puppets have always done that."

"I believe the situation is different with me. Unlike those other adventurers, I'm no longer able to go back to my home because of you, Lady Serena. That makes you responsible for me now."

"Grrr!" she exclaimed. "W-well, now that you've joined us, victory is practically ours. I'm going to work you like a dog from now on! Starting tomorrow, expect to earn your keep!" She clenched her fist emphatically, but she sounded like she was talking as much to herself as she was to me.