Dive

My head hurts but I'll be fine. It's just another day and the mission didn't really take as long as expected so that is a plus. I've already been cleared by medical and as always they tested to make sure that I wasn't hit by a stray quirk and I am in the clear!

I let myself stretch a little coming out of the locker room but other than a few people yelling out hello no one really had time to stop and talk. I already turned in my paperwork from the mission reports and it's been a week since I've been home so it was fine to go get groceries and do a little light cleaning. Who knows maybe I'll even get a bit of time to relax tonight? I can hope can't I?

I walked down the street and it wasn't until I was halfway through the grocery store by my house that I realized that I was getting enough for two again.

"I really need to stop doing that," I sighed but all I did was look at the hand basket not willing to actually put any of it back. Forget it, I'll just make enough for two meals so I only need to cook once.

I looked back in the basket for another minute before letting out a sigh and continuing on again. Ever since Mom passed away I've been so lonely but I don't have the heart to move out of the house now that she is gone. I just can't. The thought of just leaving for somewhere far away is tempting, some days more than others but still, I'm here.

I was halfway home when I heard someone calling out my name, my actual name. I looked up confused until I saw Aunty waving to get my attention and I saw Uncle with her letting me smile for the first time since leaving headquarters.

"Aunty, Uncle it's been so long," I hugged them, happy just to see their familiar faces.

"Izuku you've grown so much! I thought you were only gone for two weeks?" Aunty teased me and I just laughed. She complains about me growing too fast every time I see her but I think she keeps thinking of when I was little, before going to UA. She saw my bags and I know that she knows that I still bought enough for two people instead of one. I really can't shake the habit.

"Izuku, Masaru and I are making a barbecue for dinner, why don't you join us tonight? Go put that away for tomorrow and get cleaned up and you can help fire up the grill," Aunty started making plans as if I already agreed and Uncle just chuckled and nodded at me in understanding but I could tell that he really did want me to accept.

"We would love to have you," he added when Aunty paused to breathe and I laughed a little.

"Okay, I'll be over in a little while then," they gave me more hugs and I was sent on my way again. Knowing Kacchan he is probably on a mission, the last that I knew, he was in America. Not that I'm any better but I need to stay close enough to take care of the house but when I do get sent overseas Aunty and Uncle are usually happy to keep an eye on things for me. I think they like to stay over once every couple of months because they usually go a little over two before asking when I'll be leaving again. Kacchan is constantly going to other countries and I can't blame him, any time I go I can forget for just a little while. We all miss her so much.

It was a bright day, the skies were clear and the sun was shining even as it sank slowly further down with each passing minute. I wonder why it is that I'm only just now noticing how pretty today is? I turn to leave my room but see an old notebook on the bed side table. The notebook Mom found just before she died. No, I can't think about that.

It will be dark soon and I had to stop myself from just walking in and actually knocking on the door. They prefer for me to walk right in but there was once that Kacchan was here and only in his underwear and that would be okay if at the time he wasn't hard. Aunty and Uncle were not home and he had just woken up so yeah. That mental picture plagued my fantasies for a long time, something I really didn't need at the time, not with everything that I was going through.

"Come in Izuku!" I heard Aunty call out and I smiled at the familiar feeling of just being home. I opened the door smiling but froze the moment I heard the voice that followed. I wasn't paying attention, my guard was down, how could I forget? It's the first day of the month that I've come over and this is something Aunty does every time thanks to Mom.

"Welcome home baby, I love you so much and I'm so proud of you. You really are my hero," the recording of Mom's voice telling me how proud she was of me and how happy she was played and I couldn't stop my heart from squeezing inside of me. Mom was sick, so very sick. And she had to find that damned notebook when she was so weak. She kept telling me that she was happy she found it, because it gave her the strength to fight at least one more day. She asked Aunty to play this recording for me once a month and we agreed on my first visit of each month so I should have known better. Hell even if I wasn't on a mission this past week I should have known better for no other reason than today is the first of the month. This is my punishment. My punishment for that notebook.

"Izuku?" Aunty asked worriedly and I tried to wave her off but she already saw the tears and came running to hug me. "We can stop playing the recording. Inko would have never wanted it to hurt you I swear," she started to get angry at the whole thing but I just shook my head no.

"I just forgot it was the first," I tried to reassure her but that didn't help to calm her down. As much as she loved Mom she wouldn't do this if I hadn't agreed to it. It hurts, it hurts so much but every time I go through this I can't help remembering that I'm alive and I'm not alone. Not with Aunty and Uncle here with me.

I let the tears fall and a small smile settled on my face as I started talking about things we used to do together. Anything really, anything at all that would make Mom smile. I don't even know when I got pulled outside with Uncle to grill.

"You've gotten pretty good at grilling over the last few years, Izuku. Were you hiding a talent?" Uncle teased me, handling me a beer. I accepted the beer while chuckling to myself.

"Maybe we should stop listening to the recording for a while," I muttered after what was probably my seventh beer. We were eating inside and Aunty kept a cold fresh beer in my hand almost all evening. "As much as I miss Mom it seems to hurt more than it helps now," I tried to explain but Uncle just patted my shoulder.

"It's okay, we'll keep it to holidays and birthdays for now," he nodded as if that were what I asked for while Aunty took three more empty beer cans from me and Uncle gave me another. At this point it's almost a ritual and usually I would stop about now. Drink a large glass of water and take some medicine before going to sleep but that's not what I want. Right now I just want to forget, just for a little while.

"Would it be bad if I just forgot it for tonight?" I mumbled, eyeing Auntie's drink knowing that I really didn't need the vodka but it's not like I'm going anywhere tomorrow anyway.

"One night isn't so bad, just don't let it be a habit," Uncle answered after a long silence. I'm not a drinker and I usually don't drink at all unless I'm with Uncle and Aunty so I don't think they really need to worry about me becoming an alcoholic and drinking my life away.

"Don't give him a hard time, he is always working and sober," Aunty lectured Uncle before making me a drink. I have no idea what it was called but I could feel my body relaxing at the liquor fire rushing through me.

***

I woke up on Aunty and Uncle's couch with my head splitting. Everything from last night was already cleaned up but I have a vague memory of helping Aunty with the dishes so it wasn't too surprising. I also remember Aunty giving me one more drink while we were cleaning up. Urg, I'm never drinking again.

I got up and just like I expected I was alone, both Aunty and Uncle had to go to work but they left medicine and water on the coffee table next to me for when I woke up. I did what I was supposed to and locked up behind me before going home and taking a shower and brushing my teeth. After a hot meal I felt much better but again, I was alone.

I let out a groan. The trouble with being a hero was that I made almost all of my friends in highschool and they are almost all heroes so no one is free. My one friend that I made as a child was Kacchan and yeah, he is a hero too.

I let out another sigh and after cleaning up what little needed to be done I got dressed and left again. Maybe I need to actually go out and make new friends? I'm an adult and it's not weird to make friends at a bar right? I think I remember hearing Kaminari talking about a place he liked to go to relax. Was it called The Tipsy Rose? I found it pretty easy and it's pretty close to home so at least there is that and it looks like there is a show tonight, a musician will be playing.

I made an order for a bucket of beer, I'm not doing anything hard again that was awful, and a plate of appetizers, picking a corner to relax in so I could watch the show. Who knows maybe I'll see someone I know?

I was actually having fun, I don't know how long I've been here now but the music was good, the energy was good and the food and beer was good. My phone rang right after it was announced that they were taking a five minute break and I sat back and opened a new beer and answered my phone.

"Hello?" I asked, still smiling from the girls that had just walked away. They had been getting harassed and decided to use me as their "friend" to scare off the pervert. I don't however believe them when they say that they didn't recognize me but that's okay.

"Where in the fuck are you?" I heard Kacchan's voice and he sounds so pissed but I don't really know why.

"I'm at the Tipsy Rose, are you back in the country? You should come out, there is this local band that is really good playing tonight," I laughed only for one of the girls to come back.

"Deku~, help a girl out please~," she whined a little but her voice was pleasant to listen to.

"Kacchan, I have to go right now but you should come. I'm coming, I'm coming. Sorry Kacchan, I need to go," I hung up and followed the girl to the rest of her friends to find the pervert from earlier flirting with one of them.

"Do you really have nothing better to do than harass people?" I groaned and the pervert turned around already pissed.

"You can't be sleeping with all of them!" He spat back at me while I just lifted an eyebrow and all six of the girls surrounded me and hugged me. I suppressed the shiver from having so many people so close but the guy just yelled at his "friend" and they left saying something along the lines of this obviously being my turf.

"Thank you so much!" One of the girls gushed and gave me a hug.

"Not a problem, I'm a hero after all," I smiled politely at them and in the end they asked if they could take pictures with me, getting the bartender to take several with all of us. They even joined me at my table and they started to "dish" about which guys were worth talking to that were here right now. I looked around and saw a blond that oddly resembled Kacchan.

"I think I prefer blonds," I answered but looked away from the blue eyed guy that sent a wink my way. "But who knows," I chuckled dryly but instead of the girls asking far too personal questions they shared a look before agreeing whole heartedly that there was just something eye-catching about blonds in general.

"Oh and the ones with blue or green eyes," the girl who said she liked guys with dark hair fanned herself and I laughed. I already know that she is the only one that hasn't caught on to the fact that I'm gay yet.

"Red, the more piercing the better. Makes my heart speed up or stutter," I sighed and several of the girls giggled. Another one scooted closer and leaned against my arm before whispering in my ear.

"I see a blond with red eyes coming into the bar now," she giggled pointing and when I looked up following her finger I held my breath. Soft ash blond hair over his pale smooth skin, a dark tank tightly stretched across his hard muscles came in and when he turned, looking around like he was looking for someone or something I caught sight of his bright red eyes. He found me.

"Beautiful," I whispered and they were all giggling at my reaction but I couldn't help it. I've had far too much to drink even if it was just beer, it probably didn't help that I drank so much last night too but oh well.

"I could have sworn my hag said that you weren't a heavy drinker," Kacchan growled and I couldn't suppress the shiver that raced through me from his deep voice and even if Kacchan didn't notice, the girls I was with certainly did if their giggles were anything to go off of.

"Glad you could make it Kacchan. Want to join me for a beer?" I motioned towards the bucket that still had two beers left and he paused.

"Is that what you've been drinking this whole time?" He asked and I nodded. One of the girls next to me scooted away and made room for him, the band took to the stage and people started getting up and moving around again.

"Oh my God, I love this group! Deku you have to dance with us! You too Dynamight!" One of the girls pulled me away from my seat before I could open the beer and someone else pulled Kacchan and somehow we were in the middle of the dance floor and everyone was cheering and singing along while dancing. I couldn't help joining in on the fun and they asked for a few more pictures, this time while kissing my cheek, only my cheek which I agreed to.

The one that was depressed after finally figuring out that I was gay was a little touchy during hers but she also thanked me the most. By the time Kacchan and I were back at our table to drink our beers they had decided it was time to leave since the show was over and we said our goodbyes. They tagged us both in the pictures they took when they posted them online and the fact that I was surrounded by so many girls getting kisses really ticked Mineta off but I had a lot of fun. Several were shocked that I of all people was actually at a bar, how old do they think I am? And even more couldn't get over the fact that Kacchan was with me and that the same girls were kissing on him too. He however was too shocked at getting said kisses and I don't think they actually asked him first and just assumed it was okay because of how livid he looked when he saw them kissing me.

"Is this how you spend your time when you're not working?" He asked in the now much quieter room. It's a little odd how big the difference is from only ten minutes ago.

"Umm actually this is my first time here," I smiled before taking a drink. "I just needed out of the house and something Aunty said last night made me curious and I remembered that Kaminari mentioned this bar and so here I am," I grinned at him but I closed my eyes, too embarrassed by everything to actually look at him.

"Those girls?" He asked and I laughed.

"Only met them tonight. Someone was bothering one of them and came asking for help. Although somehow the guy took it that I was their lover but he left them alone so none of us corrected him," I laughed some more. I finally looked up to see him watching me but I relaxed now that he doesn't look angry anymore. "But it's been a lot of fun, too bad the kitchen closed shortly after I got here though. Their wings are amazing."

Somehow Kacchan looks a lot calmer than I've seen him in a long time and he isn't trying to grab me and force me to go or do anything either so I took it as him actually enjoying his time with me. At least for now.

"LAST CALL! The bartender called out and I looked up to see that it's three in the morning and groaned. I still have four more days before I can go back to work. Something about me not using the vacation time for too long and that the hero association was somehow abusing me because I didn't take time off. The time I took for Mom somehow doesn't count.

I paid my bill and Kacchan actually waited for me at the door. "So what brings you here? Did you actually come because I invited you?" I asked, I probably drank far too much but I still feel good and it wasn't enough to make me sick like last night.

"My hag called, she couldn't find you and apparently you weren't home like she thought you were supposed to be," he sighed and I nodded in understanding.

"Aunty and Uncle do a lot for me. Ever since Mom died… I don't know what I would do without them. I'm all alone now after all," I smiled when I saw the stars above our heads.

"You're not alone, you'll make my old man cry if he ever heard you say that," Kacchan groaned, running a hand through his hair.

"Aunty and Uncle are like family," I agreed but neither of us needed me to say what I thought next. I don't have any family left. My dad is somewhere in America, probably has a new family I don't really know and I doubt that Mom would have told him that I have a quirk now because that was the whole reason he left. All Might, my mentor, died when we were in high school still and now my mom is gone. No grandparents, no actual aunts or uncles, no cousins, no one. I'm alone.

"Who knows, maybe one day I'll get a lover," I sighed looking up at the stars but I'm not hopeful. The only person I'm interested in has no interest in me and I can't see myself going on an actual date because of that.

"You want a lover?" Kacchan asked, sounding confused but I just laughed.

"Yeah, someone I can come home to and just forget the rest of the world with. Someone that I could love and be loved by without worrying about pressuring them too much," I chuckled sadly. I am the number two hero right now and the only person not pressured by me has to be Kacchan. "But I guess being too successful is a thing, no one actually wants me unless they want to try and use me for something, just like those girls who only wanted me to protect them from a pervert but that is actually a lot nicer than normal. I went on a date last month with a guy to find out that he just wanted me to pay for everything. Flat broke."

"Destined to be alone, sounds about right," I felt a tear slip past and trickle down. I quickly wiped it away though and just cleared my throat. "Anyway I'll apologize to Aunty for making her worry in the morning. Thanks for spending a little time with me though, it was nice." I unlocked my door and opened it but didn't walk inside. My big empty house that always felt far too small until recently, now felt like it was ready to swallow me alive. I don't want to go inside alone.

"Would you like to come in? I don't think I have any beer but I can make some coffee if you would like?" I smiled at him but he looked like he was deep in his thoughts. I guess I was really hoping for too much after all. "Right, sorry you're probably busy."

"No, I just didn't expect you to actually invite me in. I've been in France for a long time now," he answered and I brightened since he agreed and I led the way inside.

"I didn't know you were in France. I thought you were in America," I prompted him while I pulled down a couple mugs and started the coffee pot. He told me about his time there and the coffee was gone before I really knew it, bringing our blissful conversation to an end.

"The sun is already coming up, Aunty and Uncle are probably awake by now getting ready for work. I'll text them now," I tried not to sound too disappointed but when they both sent me an okay message I was already done. "You could stay if you like? I mean there is plenty of room and I'll just be sleeping so," I trailed off already knowing better. Kacchan's house is literally down the road, why would he stay with me?

"Deku if you want something say it. I'm not a mind reader," he groaned and I don't know what made me do it, maybe I didn't have nearly enough coffee or maybe it was far too much alcohol in such a short period, I just don't know but the one word answer I said next changed things.

"You," it was such a small word, almost forgotten in its simplicity but right now it held so much meaning that I just didn't know what to do. I held my breath almost hoping that he didn't hear me but the understanding silence told me that he heard me just fine.

"Are you sure you only drank a few beers?" He asked after a long time and I nodded, my face got hot and bright red from my embarrassment but I didn't back down. "Then show me the way," he whispered in my ear and my head snapped up to see his teasing smirk but I did it anyway. I led him to my room and he saw my big empty bed. I watched him turn to face me and as he kept eye contact to undress in front of me, the only time our eyes didn't meet was when his shirt went over his head, letting me breathe and quickly strip my clothes off.

He let me memorize his body, enjoying the view. I stepped forward and even with the trembling of my hand I met his skin. He let me explore his body when I came close and he easily kissed me. The world stopped, I picked him up, his legs wrapped around my waist and climbed into the bed. I covered him with my kisses, not believing that I wasn't dreaming for even a moment. He tasted sweet like hot caramel mixed with the coffee from just minutes ago, his body was strong and even with how tightly his muscles were wrapped in his skin they moved flawlessly. I kissed everywhere I could reach. His low moans let me know that I could keep going.

I licked at a nipple and heard him gasp but that only convinced me to go further down. His cock in my face I licked from his base to the tip loving how he shook a little and the fact that he couldn't hold his voice in at the sensation. I sucked him in, letting my head bob and just letting myself do what I want. I don't actually know how long I was blowing him for but it didn't feel nearly long enough when his body shook and his cock throbbed in my mouth. I swallowed, not letting him go while his voice sang around me. Once I was sure I had swallowed it all I moved down again.

My tongue searched and explored every little crease and the fact that Kacchan moved in whatever way I wanted was helpful. I don't think he would have let me eat his ass if we hadn't been drinking but I also don't have any lube at the moment. I turned him over and once I was sure body was relaxed enough I kissed up his back and to his shoulders.

"Are you ready?" I whispered after kissing up his neck and biting his earlobe. The noises he could make are still fresh in my ears but the simple "yes," he answered with has my attention at the moment.

I moved my hands back down to rub his butt enjoying how he seemed to melt as I continued to rub and once I was sure he was ready I lined up and pushed in slowly.

He flinched at first but he quickly relaxed and moaned, my kisses and light bites distracting him enough to push further.

"You feel so good," I whispered in his ear but I felt him start to tense and moved my hands from his butt to his hips and gently rubbed to try to soothe it away. When I felt him relax I started thrusting again, his moans filled the air with the grunts of effort from me. Every time I felt him getting close I slowed down loving how frustrated he would get but he never snapped at me.

Once I couldn't hold back enough and his body seemed to collapse under me. His orgasm had left me breathless but I still haven't finished so…

"More?" I begged in his ear, his nod exhausted but he was still willing.

***

I woke up before noon even though neither of us fell asleep until after the sun was up. The fact he was laying next to me fast asleep with his now marbled skin told me that none of it was a dream. I couldn't keep my hands away, his tight muscles seemed to be begging to be touched and I wanted to do exactly that. I let my hand trail up and down his naked skin, feeling the hard strong muscles just under it. He moaned in his sleep, making me smile at how erotic he truly is.

I looked around to see that yeah, we are actually at my house but somehow it doesn't feel nearly as empty as it has been. I giggled a little but went silent when Kacchan started rolling over, still asleep. Once he calmed down again I got out of bed and snuck down to the kitchen. I've gotten really good at cooking recently, I wonder if Kacchan will like it?

***

It's been half a year since that night and even though we never really talked about it Kacchan and I go to a bar together at least once a month sometimes once a week and tonight is not too different except that I'm not drinking a beer. No, I have something with enough vodka in it to make me sober for the next year but somehow it's also my third one tonight and that's not including everything else I've had.

I saw some girl twirling her hair flirting with Kacchan who usually turns them away in a blink but instead he was smiling and flirting back.

"Come here often?" She asked, still twirling her blue hair.

"Wouldn't you know?" He teased back and my heart dropped, he usually only uses that tone when he is ready to go to bed.

"Come on, we can go somewhere more fun?" She sang and Kacchan actually pushed off the wall he was leaning against to follow her but I pushed him back making him look up at me confused.

"Deku? Why are there two of you?" He looks far too confused while looking back and forth between me and the girl and now I understand. She was using her quirk on him.

"You're under arrest," I recited the lines I was supposed to say and made a call for a detective friend to pick her up.

"Under what charges?!" The girl demanded and I made an ugly face at her.

"Attempted rape and assault on a pro hero," I listed off so that the detective would hear me and he said he would be here in about two minutes since he was so close.

"What hero did I assault?" She demanded not bothering to deny the attempted rape charge.

"Oi Deku, why are you arguing with yourself? You should have told me you were hit with a quirk and there were two of you. We can have a three way," he giggled, far too drunk to realize what was going on.

"Dynamight, I need you to focus right now," I said, saying his hero name clearly to get his attention which it did and the girl went pale hearing it. "You need to give the detective your statement, let's go outside and then I'll take you home," I tried to coax him. He followed and the detective was less than amused at the fact that even after he got there the girl still hadn't released her quirk from him.

"I can't! It's a timer, it lasts for about four hours," she finally caved when Kacchan insisted that there were still two Deku's. She was charged with misuse of her quirk as well as using it on someone without consent along with several other drug and sexual crimes that I didn't even know about.

Once they were gone Kacchan leaned in close and whispered, "Can I get laid now? I want my lover." He has never once called me his lover before.

How can I say no to that? I quickly took him home and I was able to get my frustrations out as well as show my excitement. Kacchan was lying under me gripping his pillow facing away when I pushed in and held it. I'm not ready to cum yet.

"Kacchan, what are we?" I asked him and I heard him growl in frustration.

"What the fuck kind of quest-," he moaned out as I pulled out and thrusted back in again, keeping my movements slow so that we could really enjoy this.

"Please Kacchan, I want to hear you say it," I moaned lightly in his ear and gave one quick thrust before slowing back down again. The way he gasped at it though makes me think that I should ask him more questions during sex.

"Lovers, I love you. I wouldn't do this with just anyone," he answered, his face red and it traveled down the back of his neck but he wouldn't look at me, not right now anyway.

I let out a soft whine and I could feel that Kacchan was getting irritated but I didn't let him say anything else before I said, "now I really want to blow you. Can we change positions? I want to see your face." He paused before nodding and I pulled out of him. Once he was on his back I pushed back in and kissed him with everything I had before pulling out and leaving him dazed. I might need to do that again in the future.

I went down to find him already almost there but thanks to his hands tangling in my hair I didn't let him go until well after he came and then I didn't let him sleep until far too late into the night. His moans sang for me and I didn't want it to end.

***

"Deku we need to talk," Kacchan came barging into my office looking pissed and I can't help reviewing everything I've done since I saw him this morning but nothing I did seems to be enough for him to be this angry. It wasn't even his normal loud anger, this was a silent, sad rage that honestly felt like it could kill. What exactly happened?

"Umm okay, we were just about done anyway," I turned my attention back to Fatgum who looked amused but stayed silent. It was an open secret that Kacchan and I were romantically involved. Not secret enough to try and hide but enough that the press didn't hound us day after day like some of our friends did.

"Good luck," Fatgum winked at me and I nodded, something tells me I'm going to need it.

"So what's going on?" I turned around with my brightest smile hoping that I could relieve whatever was pissing him off.

"What's going on? You're really asking that? Now?" He snapped at me and I couldn't help getting more confused.

"Um, yes?" I hesitated but I really don't have a clue about what could have made him this mad. He reached into his bag and pulled out an old notebook that made my heart stop. "Oh."

"Oh? Is that all you have to say? Oh?" He snapped and jumped to his feet again. I mean what am I supposed to say, he found the notebook and from the way he is reacting it's a safe bet that he read a good chunk of it.

"Fine! I'll say it!" Kacchan has tears in his eyes and I just don't understand why. Why would he care about something from so long ago? But then I think about how I would react if the roles were reversed and I stay silent. His voice trembled and he suddenly got very quiet. "Do you want to kill yourself?" Oh.  I wasn't expecting him to actually ask.

That notebook was something like a diary, the darkest kind. I figured that in order for me to be the bright and happy kid Mom needed and wanted me to be I needed to let all the bad out somehow and that is where that notebook comes in. It has everything bad I ever thought growing up. Not mundane things like I don't like spinach or whatever but like Kacchan telling me to take a swan dive and how it made me feel after the fact. It did not say anything about how I met All Might that same day but it did have the villain attack where I wanted to scream and ask if dying was the only thing I was actually good for. All my notebooks were black but this one has a name. My death note, I heard there was a popular anime by that name so most didn't question it but if I ever disappeared then I would leave this behind in my place.

"DEKU!" Kacchan yelled and I snapped out of my thoughts. I gave him a sad smile and simply took the notebook, careful not to hurt it in any way.

"This was a long time ago, I can't ever forget how I felt back then," I didn't meet his eyes but not from feeling guilty, actually my conscience feels completely clear, no I just feel drained when I see this notebook. I trail my fingers over the cover that had a bad drawing of a sun on the cover practically carved into it from years of doodling.

"Deku, did I do this to you?" He asked and I looked up to see him looking at the notebook in my hands with a level of fear that I don't think I've ever seen before, not on him.

"Kacchan, I don't want to die," I gave him a weak smile and he looked at me hoping, begging that I'm not just trying to smooth over the notebook altogether but he needs more than just that. "Kacchan this book was so that I could live. Every time life got to be too much I opened its pages and let it all out of me. I poured it out so that I could live, not so that I could die."

"Deku, I need help understanding this because it doesn't make any fucking sense to me," Kacchan tried to keep calm, really he did but I carefully put the notebook down and closed the blinds to my office and locked the door. He didn't stop me and simply waited for me to finish.

"I guess it's easier to explain that once it was written in those pages I could just let it all go? It wouldn't eat at me or hurt me anymore once it was written," I tried to explain but I still don't think it was actually helping. Kacchan however was visibly calmer. "Kacchan? Could I? Just a little?" I asked and he looked even more confused so I gently pulled on his waist and tugged him against me. My eyes staked their claim as they trailed down his strong, lean body.

"Deku, I am pissed. No worried? Both and sex isn't-," he stopped talking the moment his belt hit the floor and he looked down confused as to how I did that so fast.

"I know and it's all because you care about me and I can't think of anything hotter. Sorry, I just want you so bad," I whispered in his ear, gently turning him around so that I was behind him and took out a condom, slipping it on quickly.

"Deku?" Kacchan looked even more confused than before, and conflicted.

"Don't worry I'm not trying to distract you. We can talk about it afterwards, I promise," I whispered in his ear and I felt his body relax against me.

"We will talk about it," he threatened and I giggled before thrusting in and listening to him moan, thoroughly distracted now.

***

"I wrote that notebook because I couldn't let my anger go and Mom was always worried whenever I wasn't happy," I explained, holding Kacchan in my arms. We were on the couch in my office and it was late, everyone thought that we had left early and that was fine, it meant that no one tried to disturb us. I cuddled the man I loved in my arms while he silently listened.

"Did you read everything or just a little?" I asked, knowing there wasn't nearly enough time for him to actually read it all but it's only the last entry that I'm actually concerned about.

"I read the end," he answered, his voice low and I could tell that it wasn't exhaustion that did it but a mix of fear and grief.

I started to recite the hateful lines on the page that I knew far too well to have only written them once. "Sometimes I blame Kacchan for never noticing. How is it that every time he grabs one of my notebooks it's always one of the hero analyses for the future ones? More than once I would only carry around this notebook but somehow he never grabbed my notebook when it was the only thing that I was carrying. Does he know? Does he know all the fear and hate I feel and simply avoided it? Should I actually take the dive he told me that I should just today? No. He went too far, true but Kacchan is a hero. And even now he is my hero."

I took a deep breath and before Kacchan could speak up I added. "You should have turned the page. There was one more entry. Something very different," I played with his hair, smiling to myself and he jerked to turn to see me on the far too small surface of the couch. I smiled and let him go so he could see for himself. He glared at me, as if I were trying to trick him but I just smiled all the same. He stood up and went to my desk that I left the notebook on. I watched him flip to the back and he took a deep breath before flipping one more page. Of course I know what I have written there by heart too.

"Kacchan is my hero but he is more than that. I'm in love with him but I can't hold him back. Today I was told something amazing and I ended up crying in front of my idol but that is okay. Today I was told that I too can be a hero. And if I can, then maybe Kacchan will let me stand close to him too. So this will be the last time I write here. I won't let these thoughts hurt me anymore."

Neither of us said the words out loud but I saw Kacchan cover his mouth and try to control himself but when he came back he showed me the page and there was a single line that I don't remember writing just a couple lines down.

"and I will watch over you both. ~Mom~"

And I was about to burn it, to finally shut this chapter of my life and Mom really just turned this whole notebook on its head.

"Deku, let's get married." Where did that come from?!? I looked back at him, my head snapping up only to see his tears brimming but not escaping. He looked so determined, so handsome and the bright red of his eyes sparkled so much more from it.

I kissed him.

End.