Chapter 1- Simon

Sam's cuddled up against me, her head resting on my chest and my arms gripped tightly around her middle- I can't let go. Her soft snoring (which she denies she does) is all I can hear tonight. The willow tree provides us protection from the cold night breeze. It's two in the morning and we only just stopped fucking. I cannot get enough of her. Her tight little pussy, the way she moans my name and gasps as I slide in her the first time, the way her nails rake along my neck and up into my hair. It's all too much. 

Sam looks at me like a man not a monster. She sees me, the real me I conceal behind the mask. I run a hand down my face desperate to shake off this fucking feeling of losing control. 

The thought of leaving her this week for god knows how long is breaking me to pieces. The worst part is I don't know how long I'm going to be away and I never assume I'm coming back. I never had anyone to come 'home' for before so it didn't matter if I died. I need to come home to Sam. I need a life with her, I want a future with her, I want a family with her, I want everything. 

This mission won't be an easy one seeing as the last one was a complete fucking disaster. We didn't expect the ambush and to have so many of our own lost was a fucking tragedy. We need to go back for the captives but I honestly think it's a suicide mission. Usually I go into these missions with the scope, the direction, with a clear head but I can't focus on anything but Sam right now. 

Tucking the letter in a nook of the tree trunk, Sam starts to stir so I stroke her hair away from her eyes tucking it gently behind her ears. 

"Si?" she murmurs barely audible as she turns into my chest trying to get closer as she shivers against the cold. 

"Hey sleepy head, you wanna head back now?" I ask gently sitting her up against me, letting her stretch out after being curled up for so long. 

"Do we have to?" she sighs, turning to face the moonlight. 

Her face is illuminated by the moon, her gorgeous plump lips and button nose are deliciously perfect. Everything about Sam is perfect. The way her hair falls down her shoulders, the way her nose crinkles before she sneezes or when she sleeps in the crook of my arm with her leg thrown over me and she dribbles on my chest. I love it all. I love her...but the words just keep getting stuck in my throat. 

"I'll carry you back baby, come on you need some sleep, you've got a big day tomorrow" I say as I stand pulling Sam up with me. 

"And why's that huh?" She pouts. 

"Wll you're tired because you keep sucking my cock and begging me to fuck you again and again and tomorrow you've got that CPR training and trauma survival with the team" I raise a brow at Sam and she covers her mouth giggling at me. 

I pack up the blanket into the basket and turn to Sam taking her tiny hand in mine. I go to move but realize Sam hasn't started walking. She's stuck motionless looking out to the moon, tears spilling out from her eyes and her bottom lip quivering. 

"Si, I can't go. If we leave here, you have to go back on another mission. To try and save the rest of those people right? I don't want you to go Si," her breathing hitches and her tears flow. 

Sam's shoulders shudder as she silently cries crouching to the ground and hugging her arms around her knees. 

"You can't leave me here Si, can't I, can I not just come with you? You'll need a medic right? I can just come too and that way you don't have to leave me? Yeah we can talk to Price about it tomorrow and he'll let me right Si? Please, please don't leave me" she cries. 

I kneel on the cold ground tugging her into my arms. Sam cries into my shoulder and I let her. I kiss the top of her head and stroke her back. There's nothing I can say and I'm not going to lie to her. I just hold her close. 

I pull her slightly back from my chest, tipping her chin up to look at me, "Baby I do have to go back. We got our orders this afternoon. I leave on Thursday morning. But listen to me Sam, never in my life have I had a reason to come home before. It didn't matter if I didn't matter if I took a bullet to the heart but now it does, all because of you." 

I wipe away the tears that continuously spill from her heavy eyes. 

"Because of you Sam I actually think of a future for myself, for us. I want a life with you, one where we are happy, where you have hundreds of my children, a life that we make together, you and me baby. I can't promise I'll make it back, I can't promise I'll make it back in one piece either but what I can promise is that I'll try. I promise you I'll think of you every second I'm away from you. Your smile will light my darkest nights and your love will keep my dark heart beating. Please, don't cry baby," I inhale trying to catch my breath, I hate to see her hurting. 

I pull her back into my arms and hold her close. I don't really know how long we stay like this, curled up together, Sam crying into my arms but eventually her breathing slows and she's fallen asleep again. 

I stand lifting her high into my arms. I hold her close, walking her back to base. She's as light as a feather but the weight in my chest is hard to bare. I didn't want to hurt her and a huge part of me feels guilty for letting her in but I can't help it - she's my dream girl. I love her.