Chapter 33

Actually I don't know if I can even continue this book anymore because life's really been calm nowadays. Since it's way too calm I don't know what to update it with. Things are going pretty smoothly but yes, sometimes I do want to go out and hangout. What's holding me back you ask? Because I'm broke as hell. When you don't have money you don't have the say in whether you should go out or not because the answer is obvious. You can't, even when you want to.

My mom's brother is helping me with finding a job and he did ask what kind of work would be suitable for me in the long run. Well I told him that I like being near books and that's where my sole interest lies in. That's not a lie, I really do feel at peace near books. In the last two years I may not have been able to read that much but now that I'm finally starting this habit again, it feels nostalgic. I'm taken back to those days where I would read all the time, not having any unnecessary conversations just to fill an empty void inside my chest. I now feel very accomplished and completed. And when I say accomplished I say it not in a career way but in a life way. I hardly remember the last time that I was truly happy and at peace. Now that I finally have it I'm not risking it again for anything or anyone.

I want to be there for myself first and not discard my own needs for others. The only thing I sometimes feel sad for is the nice people that I left due to my immaturity. Those people did really want the best for me and loved me unconditionally, like if they didn't then they would've left me first for behaving recklessly. But they didn't instead I was the one who ghosted and eventually left them. But maybe it was meant to be. Things that are meant to happen, will happen, maybe not now but eventually. We can't do anything about it except, accept it with open arms. You did things you thought were right, they reacted to your actions they thought was best and you guys fell apart. It was nobody's fault but fates.

Maybe you were meant to cross paths, not to stay but leave with a lesson and that's when you'll have a character development and be at peace. You can't forever stay in the loop of what ifs, so the next time you think about a what if just directly answer it with a 'Things happened and I learned from it so let it go.' Not because it wasn't a beautiful memory but because you enjoyed that memory in the past and you can't keep on reliving it for you can't move on from it. Focus more on the now and do things that you've always wanted to. Go to that hike you promised you'd once go, read that book you've left in the middle, do the things you've always procrastinated. It will be hard at first but remember that if not now then never. To sum it up, do whatever you like and be wherever you want to. Live like it's your last day on earth.