Chapter 35

One more kind thing I did for myself today is that I stopped being delusional or creating imaginative endings to my incomplete stories. Why? Sure it may seem harmless and that some delusions won't affect me that badly but I know myself best. The more I imagine it, the more I will try to manifest it and when it doesn't happen the way I want it to, I end up questioning myself and cursing myself for acting so dumb and honestly, I'm so done with that now. Except for meeting my oppas, I exculde that from the upper delusion criteria.

I don't know why but today I suddenly didn't want to send any snaps. I usually would spam my snap friends with everything interesting that happened in my life but today I didn't want to do that. I didn't want anyone to have access to my core memories. I didn't want to do anything with anyone neither did I want anyone to do anything with me. It felt as if I was trying to prove a point that I was having fun without some people in my life(my previous friends) and I was still living THE life but who was I trying to prove it to and why. It didn't really matter to anyone with what I was doing, the only person it matters to, is me. Just because I see people partying and drinking and doing all sorts of stuff while I stay at home doesn't necessarily mean that they are happy and I'm sad. That's the thing about social media you know, it creates this unrealistic standards that you need to be more sociable and have more friends to live your best life but on the other hand, if you think you have the worst situation then there's a million other videos online that proves you wrong. I'm not saying it's bad but it does effect us in so many ways and whether it's good or bad it's all up to you. Sometimes you even see stuffs that you truly relate to you and it gives you the feeling that you're not alone in this mess.

Well enough with my advise. Right before I started writing this, I went out to smoke and I had chosen this completely new dark alley so I wouldn't clash with my sister again. I was just starting when this random guy comes up to me and asks for my cigarette. I said that I only had one on me and he asked if I didn't have another one? Like wtf. I just said I only had one and then he asked me to give him mine and I said that I didn't share and quickly left. I got home and told my brother about it and he wanted to go after him but I told him to sit his ass down. Right after that, my sister came and she showed us our youngest brother's love letter. It was really hilarious with some sort of broken poetry in it. Something that said, he likes her heart, kind heart, something heart. Conclusion: way too many hearts. All three of us were busy laughing like jackles.

Then we talked about the good old days and laughed even more. I kept on asking my dad about the cat because that social mofo didn't come home, again. I was gone for some minutes and when I returned my dad brought the cat back home. I didn't let it go outside and that cat bit my arm. He should really thank the Lord that he's got a cute face otherwise I was ready to smack the living hell out of it, just kidding I wouldn't and can't bring myself to hit a cat or any animal in particular.

Well here's a secret I'm telling you and that is I still can't bring myself to throw away those beautiful things. Which is the things my Shayla gave me when we were dating back then. I still kept it save heck I still have that pull tab from the juice he drank, the passport size photos(one of them still in my phone cover since I never took it out), the pokemon card, the little cocktail umbrella and a purple keychain. All those photos we took and the screenshots of our video chats. The videos I made for him and screenshots of our chats from the very first day we started texting each other. I'm clinging on to it but not in a I wish I could get him back(which won't happen) but more of, those were the days that I really fell madly in love. I don't look back at it with obsession but with content and satisfaction that I found someone really precious like him. I'll delete it when I finally fully move on from him and until then it's my little secret treasure box. And even if I don't I'll still have the memories. I know I'm a contradictory person who tells other people to move on while I'm still stuck on someone. But hey, sometimes the heart wins over the mind and the mind has no option but to let the silly heart have it's butterfly moments and I feel that it's a part of healing too.