BURIED FEELINGS

LISA:

Students went helter-skelter on the sound of the bell. Emergency calls ignite such havoc because no one knows who has been marked. Hence, everyone is terrified.

Understanding the bell gave me no room to think but only to grab Gabby's hand, and march to the assembly hall.

Junior students peed on themselves at the sight of the entire unsmiling Reverend Sisters of Louis Nobis, lining the stage. The seniors and prefects tried to comport, yet, their shaky legs were quaking the ground.

"Good afternoon, students!" Reverend Charity, the principal, greeted. No, she yelled.

"Good afternoon, Reverend!"

I didn't shout a response. I have no energy to. I have preserved my only strength for the call-up to the stage. Why waste it on a mere response?

"Lisa Perezo!"

It came. My name echoed. Gabby tightened her grip on me, and my throat went dry.

"Step up to the stage!"

Students began to murmur as I took slow steps to the stage. I couldn't look at the Reverends but I glanced at Reverend Sarah's disappointed face. I wasn't surprised. I could have been if she looked concerned.

"You may all be wondering why Lisa Perezo called us out today," Reverend Charity began. "It is heartbreaking and shameful to have her before everyone for an unforsaken rumor," She looked my way, shaking her head in disgust. "It is maddening and irritating, and I am bittered to have this rumor on my table!" She yelled.

Yelling isn't only sore for the students, the Reverends are not to do that either.

"Holy Mary, have mercy on me." Reverend Charity prayed and made the sign of the cross.

That brief Litany of Holy Mary is an adopted call-back-to-order phrase at Louis Nobis. We say it when we err. Yelling, insulting, fibbing, or erring as little as pranking and teasing, requires the Litany.

The other Reverends joined the Principal's short penanced prayer and so did the students, copying her sign of the cross.

The frightened students have no option. Their confused state can copy anything at this point. Having me on the stage, being screamed at is not something that should happen to a loved student like me. So, they are shaken to the core.

"Lisa Perezo," Reverend Charity turned to look at me but stopped halfway. "I dared to refuse the allegation, to believe in the morality and discipline Louis Nobis has cultivated in you all these years. I dared to swear…!" She paused at the word and retraced. "Holy Mary, have mercy on me." She did the cross sign again and as programmed, everyone replicated.

We also do not swear at Louis Nobis. It is against our religious beliefs. For Reverend Charity to go astray, she is furious to contain herself. She had sworn, spoken, and acted out of anger, and that is my fault.

However, she should have been more preserved. The rule demands we control our emotions at all times. Reverend Charity's actions are conveyed from the annoyance she failed to control. Therefore, after the gathering, she would have days of solidarity and retreats, a penance for unhealthy and unholy outbursts.

"Lisa Perezo has proven to be bound in darkness," she continued. "A trait we live day and night to fight, abolish, and cleanse. Yet, she refused to be free."

I examined the students before me to see that their confusion had tripled. They are all begging to understand.

"Darkness can't dwell among us!" She thundered. "Holy Mary, have mercy on me."

Yes, the cross sign followed.

"I can't condone a lesbian under my watch!" The students screamed as she let it out, making her 'Holy Mary, have mercy on me,' inaudible and unheard.

"Lisa Perezo!" She began after many failed attempts to calm the students. "Lisa Perezo is a disgrace to our belief and doctrine. She has no place among us; in the world of the righteous. She has no place in the light. No place!"

The other Reverends looked as disappointed as Reverend Sarah. They all blend to condemn me with their expressions.

The students' uproar made it worse. They all went against me and for a moment, I wondered if what Gabby said about having more lesbians in the school was true because no one looked guilty.

Gabby! I sighted her among the crowd and our eyes locked. None of us were in tears, but the agony in our eyes described our pain.

"Before I cast this darkness into doom," Reverend Charity continued. "Is there someone who knows about Lisa before now?"

The students looked at each other in despair. Most eyes turned on Gabby, but I kept my stares on her, ensuring she read through them and did not step out.

She shouldn't ruin her life for me. It is not the time to be a heroine.

"Confess now! There could be a lesser punishment for concealing this abomination!" Reverend Charity yelled.

Lesser punishment? There is no such thing. Gabby understood as well. She stayed unmoved to my satisfaction.

"No one, I see." Reverend Charity huffed. "I won't ask for self-confession either. If no one would admit to being a keeper of sin, who would admit to being a sinner? But I tell you, hiding lesbians among others, until you repent and seek the light, Louis Nobis won't be a place for you!" She cried.

Uriel! Where is she? I searched among the students for her and beside Emily, the regulatory prefect, she stood, looking plain and unconventional.

Gabby is wrong after all. Uriel has no feelings for me. The disgust she displayed on Saturday was as I saw.

Uriel brought me this shame. I won't forgive it. It may be my fault to have kissed and imposed my feelings on her, but for taking the recordings to the Reverends as she threatened, she is going to pay.

I won't forgive her. She will receive every embarrassment and pain I am feeling on this stage. It may not be today, but Uriel would ache more than I did.

I retained my spiteful gaze at her and hoped she understood every ill plan in me. I will leave in shame, but I will await her outside Louis Nobis. Our next encounter after school will be a disaster.

"Lisa Perezo!"

I heard my name against my spite on Uriel.

"Lisa Perezo!"

The yelling came again and I reverted to the Reverends to understand I had been expelled and ordered out of the school.

I walked down the stage bolder than I walked up it. I blocked the sounds and screams of everyone, leaving only my hard breathing and rapid heartbeat.

I headed towards Uriel. I thought I could hold it in and wait until she left Louis Nobis to get my revenge, but my anger riled more than I planned. I headed towards her, feeling numb and heartless. I do not know what I would do to her but I must see her bleed to death.

Yes, I am a darkness. I have no place in the world. I have no place in my parent's house as well. If I am taken to a juvenile after I answer to the demon demanding Uriel's life, that would be a place for me.

Holy Mary, have mercy on me!

"Lisa!"

I heard my name but was too absent to acknowledge the caller. All I wanted was to pull Uriel to the ground and stomp on her.

"Lisa!"

The call came with a hand, folding me tightly and bringing me to a stop.

No! I am only steps away from Uriel, who knows better not to have moved but to remain on the spot waiting for her death.

"Lisa…"

The voice came again in a milder tone and like a pressed button, I blinked and lowered my face to the voice and met Gabby in tears, shaking me out of numbness.

"Lisa," She held my face. "Can you hear me?"

"I want to kill her," I said to Gabby. "I will kill her!" I screamed louder to everyone's panic.

Uriel has woken a different version of me. Darkness! Demon! She has woken me whole.

I turned mad and threatening. Everyone moved away from me, murmuring and screeching in despair.

"Look at me, Lisa." Gabby pleaded. "Hey..."

Except for her, everyone else went backspace.

"I will kill you," I screamed louder and Uriel stumbled to the ground in tears.

Emily held onto her. It is strange though; witnessing Emily everywhere around her. And funny to see I took notice of it.

"I will kill you!" I screamed.

"Lisa!" Gabby's voice settled in and I matched her gaze in tears. "Lisa, please…" She begged.

"I will kill her."

"Oh, Lord!" Gabby hugged me. "Pull yourself together, Lisa. Everything will be fine…"

"No…" I cried above Gabby's shoulder, staring at Uriel in Emily's arms. "I hate her."

"Calm down, Lisa. Calm down."

"I hate you!" I yelled and Uriel flinched.

She hasn't dared to look at me. I wanted to see her eyeballs as I pronounced my hatred and intention to kill her but she avoided me well.

"Out of the school, you demonic spirit!" Reverend Charity yelled.

"Demonic?" I huffed.

"No, Lisa." Gabby restricted my next action. "Come on." She said and pulled me out of the crowd.

"Let me go!" I struggled in her grip. "I must show everyone my demonic spirit! Let me go!"

It is astounding how the slender Gabby managed to drag me out to the school park. It is unbelievable to realize she is the only one who cares about me. Only one.

"Lisa?" She called when we were in the vast space of the school park. "Are you alright?"

"No!"

"Lisa…"

"Arrg!"

My scream came with a breakdown and tears, and I slumped on the grass, weeping aloud like a baby.

"Lisa…"

I don't recognize myself. I hate this feeling of hatred. I do not like what is bubbling within me. I hated that I still wanted to take Lisa's life.

"I will kill Uriel."

"Enough, Lisa. You are not killing anybody."

I would if I could. Uriel deserves to be strangled by me, but then, I should consider the one person who is risking her academics to stand by me.

"Gabby, I have stained you."

"You didn't," Gabby sniffed. "No doctrine can stop me from caring for a friend."

"A friend?" I laughed aloud at Gabby's confusion.

"Lisa, you must get hold of yourself. You…"

She diverted her attention to Pamela, Evelyn, and Jeriota coming with my belongings.

"I am sorry, Lisa."

"Don't be."

Students gathered at every corner, entertaining themselves with my predicament.

"Reverend Charity ordered you back with us," Pamela said to Gabby as they dropped my boxes before me. "Or we get your belongings as well." She added.

Neither Pamela nor Evelyn showed a little care. I wasn't expecting any from Jeriota, but it broke me to stare at their unconcerned faces.

Gabby looked at me, sadness oozing from her teary eyes. She quickly hugged me.

"I will see you in three months," she said.

"Gabby!" Jeriota screamed after her.

She hugged me again and on a slight pat on my back, she let go and ran out of my sight, leaving me alone in the world.

Well, I wasn't alone. When the quest of how to leave the school slipped in, my parents' car drove into the park to my surprise and shame.