Twilight Restless Minds

Chapter:22

Well it might be the smile

Or the way you look into my eyes

Baby ooh what to do

I won't know until I kiss you

That's why, that's why I got to have you

I got to have you baby

Devin~ I Want To Kiss You

~Edward~

My life fucking sucks balls.

So, if I hadn't been high as that Space Needle thing in Seattle, I would have pissed my jeans right there on the balcony. When I took her out there, it never even occurred to me that she would make the window observation. But she leaned over and I swear to God, a look of wistful wonderment filled her eyes as she asked if I could see her window from where we stood.

Her goddamn window.

Holy Christ.

I completely panicked, almost turning green with nausea. But before I could actually answer or think of anything clever to divert her attention, Jazz walked in and saved my ass. I knew I owed him big, and he had no clue as to what a humongous favor he had just done me. If she ever found out it would sever any impending friendship with her. Not to mention adding "creepy voyeuristic pervert" to my reputation as the "scary quiet freak who dressed well and avoided estrogen like the plague."

Hey, at least they'd stop thinking I was gay.

However, keeping in mind the fact he called her, "Babe," and casually threw his arm around her shoulders when he ushered her out of my room…I should have beat his ass, so in my book we were even.

My clever plan of being a complete dick to her was total fail. The conversation we'd had on my balcony, though wholly benign, could be interpreted as highly intimate for a person who hadn't touched or spoken to a female under the age of eighteen in over a year. Which I should take the opportunity to mention here- the restraint and commitment that that entailed was work, even for someone as regimented and methodical, regarding mundane daily practices such as I was.

But at some point, I figured I could have innocent conversations with her as long as I didn't touch her…or let her touch me. That was the tricky part.

She had moved to playfully slap me on the arm when I was teasing her about being a spaz and I yanked myself back as if she had cooties and we were in the second grade. She was either going to think I was a total pussy and scared to get hit by a girl, a germaphobe, or even a haphebaphobic, which is what most people thought anyway. It was easier to let people assume I had a fear of being touched than to reveal the ugly truth. I suppose it was always easier to hide under a mask than to wear the scars of a damaged and fucked up past outwardly on my face.

Particularly scars that I didn't earn. Well, not really.

Besides, I knew half the Forks High School population thought I was gay anyway. I never defended it or denied it, and I knew there were rumors going around about me since the first week we'd arrived. It wasn't a farfetched notion- I mean, I dressed better than any of these lame K-Mart brand t-shirt wearing motherfuckers would ever know, I drove a sixty thousand dollar car, I never spoke to, touched or looked at anything with breasts, I was a complete neat freak, and totally anal retentive with a generous amount of OCD thrown in. Except for being outwardly flamboyant, I was just about everything the stereotype entailed and more.

Regardless of the reputation I had earned, I figured it was better that way, since all the girls left me alone. Apparently, the gay male population of Forks was still hiding dubiously in the metaphorical closet because I hadn't once been propositioned by a single guy. If I thought about it hard enough, I might actually be offended by that.

But considering I was a completely indifferent jerk to just about everybody that crossed my path, it wasn't a surprise that I had few guy friends, not that I really wanted any in the first place. Jazz and Emmett's companionship was sufficient enough for me to survive on until things changed.

But none of that shit even mattered to me because until two days ago, not a single one of these generic, small town - trying too hard to look like a Hollywood starlet girls caught my attention.

Now that Bella Swan moved back into town, I was pretty much fucked.

Never in the literal sense.

But here was Bella, out on my balcony with me barefoot, laughing and completely unguarded as her hair blew in the wind. I was terrified of making an ass of myself…and truly, that was a first for me. In Chicago, I never once had a problem talking to girls because I didn't really give a shit about any one in particular. Conversation flowed, and I came off as suave, probably even a little cocky …a few traits I probably inherited from my biological father. I also had a ton of female friends, so talking to girls was actually routine. Now, I was just a mess. And it was all Bella's fault.

I actually had to brace my foot on the balcony rail to stop my leg from shaking because apparently, Bella made me nervous. It was extremely difficult to reign in particularly when being high- for whatever reason, she had a power over me that let some of the walls crumble, much to my protest. It was frustrating, because she was so easy to talk to, so I shouldn't have been shitting myself in her presence. Deep down I knew why that was though.

I never felt this strong of a draw to a girl before. Ever.

After she left that night, I discretely watched her walk home and smiled when she dropped her keys twice at the front door. Jasper watched too, making crass comments about her ass that made me want to tackle him to the ground and rub sand in his eyes.

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