Chapter 24: Five Years

It has been a total of five years since I last saw her face in person. What would it be like? I am more calm, more stable, and more conscientious.

As we gathered at the mall, memories flooded back from our college days. Charlize and our friends joined me at the green field where we used to film videos, reminiscing about old times. They mentioned Jackie was already at the mall, and soon enough, she entered the restaurant where we had a reservation.

When Jackie walked in, my heart skipped a beat. Her presence was as captivating as ever—those starry eyes and radiant smile instantly brought back a rush of emotions. I longed to embrace her tightly, but I restrained myself, offering a reserved wave instead. It felt like an everyday greeting, masking the deeper feelings I harbored.

Joseph joined us, sitting on my right, and Jackie initially sat beside Charlize on my rightmost side. Sensing the distance, she later moved to sit on my left. I was thrilled to have her close. While eating, we had a pretty healthy discussion and I would like to think that I made some appropriate moves for Jackie. Like reaching out for some food for her or pouring her a drink when she asks. I was just a tad bit late to realize that it would have been better if I was a little bit more proactive in noticing what she wants. Throughout the meal, we caught up on daily routines, recent events, and shared stories from the past five years. The atmosphere was comfortable, and I couldn't help but notice that both Jackie and I were single now.

In that moment, optimism crept in. Could this be the right time for something more? The idea lingered as we engaged in lively conversation, exchanging updates and enjoying each other's company. The group bantered about significant milestones in our lives since college, highlighting how much had changed yet how familiar and interconnected we still felt.

As we finished our meal, I found myself silently pondering the possibilities. Maybe this time, our paths would align differently. The thought lingered in the air as we prepared to move on to our next activity, an initial plan from board games shifted to laser tag—a change that sparked excitement and camaraderie among us.

However, despite the fun and laughter during laser tag, I couldn't shake the desire to spend more personal time with Jackie. When she suggested grabbing ice cream afterward, I eagerly suggested joining her. But as our friends opted to head home, it seemed like the only people left were just the two of us. I said "Let's go eat some of that famous ice cream yeah?" she replied "I have got to head home, I realized I have some things to do." It is what it is, classic Jackie. Nothing wrong about it though, but I really just wanted to get it off my chest. On how I felt about her. She said goodbye without a hug.

That said, we just dapped each other up. I was caught off guard when we had a perfect dap on the first try. I guess that was already the most intimate moment we had. Years not seeing each other really make it difficult don't it? I guess that's just what happens when you're disconnected for a long period of time.

It's evident to me now, based on our recent interactions, that Jackie's feelings and behavior towards me haven't changed much over the years. She still treats me with kindness and includes me in group activities, but she maintains a certain distance, particularly avoiding situations where we would be alone together. Despite being a significant presence in our friend group, it seems our relationship remains static, like an asymptote in mathematics—you can approach it endlessly, but you'll never quite reach beyond the point.

Nevertheless, the job's not done. I still haven't told her. I do not expect my love to be reciprocated. I just know for myself that deep down I have got to say that I like her. i like her. I LIKE HER. Did it ever occur to her that I was always nervous and can't walk up to her and just say those simple words. I'm not even sure if I am a great guy, a good guy even at all. I never knew if I ever had a fighting chance.

Our friendship has endured through various phases of life, yet my feelings for Jackie have remained constant. Despite the uncertainty of her response, I feel compelled to share my truth. Whether it alters our friendship or brings about a new understanding between us, I believe it's essential for my own growth and clarity to articulate how I feel.

There was a notification from the group chat. It showed that they are planning a south side road trip months from now. To further our friendship and to go out on an adventure. This group of friends, calling out Joseph, Charlize, Jackie, Dane, Alicia, Nate, Nikita, Brianna, and Rudolf. These were my associates in college, my friends, and study buddies. We were in a student tutoring organization together and I was glad that that's the organization I chose. They are built different.

I called up my friends David and Dennis, they shared their wisdom. Both of them had the same thoughts about my current situation. They said "This Jackie.. see Jackie does not see you as a guy she'll fall in love with. She sees you as a friend. She proposed to have ice cream. But when you insisted that you both go together, she backed off. She is still the same person towards you all those years ago. Things remain the same. You rarely see each other, so even if confessing your feelings doesn't turn out well—it kinda doesn't really cost you anything." This gave me a realization. That they were right. I was too held on to the past. I have got to simplify the situation and its constituents.