Depression

This time after a month Lasya and her mother visited her doctor once again. He asked her what she did the whole month but her answer was the same. She stayed at home and watched anime and foreign series. Just the difference was she thought about lots of things to write more songs.

"What have you written in this month?", her doctor asked to find out about her mental health.

"I did write more things in this month a there were lots of things going on in my mind", Lasya replied. "She only did that. The doctor I think you should ask her to reduce her screen time and go out to spend time with her childhood friends", her mother spoke and gave side eye to Lasya. He laughed as Lasya glowered.

"Your mom is right! Why don't you go out and spend some time with your friends?", he asked her out of curiosity. "I tried to spend time with them but don't feel I belong there. I feel so inferior that I end up standing stiff and alone far away from them. It's just not my place", Lasya replied and pouted. She was fudging her fingers still anxious about telling her feelings to someone.

"It's because you have lived away from them for a long time. I think things will change once you start to spend more time with them", He replied and smiled. "How about you show me your new song?", he asked and Lasya handed her phone to him happily.

Memories

Tears were streaming downWithout my consentI was staring at my reflectionWith confusionMy breath hinchAnd my Heart becomes heavySoon enough I was pantingFor more breathEyes were bloodshot andHands were shakyStiffness grew up in my chestAt fast paceWith the flashback of memoriesI cried my heart outHappy moments like thisHeld most deadlier sound

"Why did you write this poem?", he asked after reading it carefully.

"My memories always hunt me down. Every night in my dream someone is hunting me until I die. One day I dream about suicide. I slit my hand while lying in bed with my ex. Even if I am driving, breaks always disappear and I die in the end. I am having these dreams since high school. Then when I woke up, I remembered things from the past when I felt happy and then when I felt sad", Lasya replied while playing with her fingers.

For Lasya her psychiatrist was like a place to open her wounds. She will never get hurt by doing that. But due to her trauma, she was always nervous when she needs to talk to someone face to face. When she talks with her friends via text, she feels extroverted but when it comes to talking face-to-face, she acts like she is introverted.

Her calmness makes her family worried more than anything. Her mother and father missed her cheerful personality a lot. She did start to talk with them but she still spends more time alone.

After hearing her words, he nodded but didn't say much cause he knew she needed a heart to listen nor a mouth to lecture her on everything.

I want to be me!Do I have to keep fighting so I can live my life in peaceDo I need to satisfy them to set myself freeI hate my attitude I hate having a high EQI hate people's hungry look cause I am a girlI hate my hairI hate my looksI hate my bodyI hate my attitudeI hate when I am fragileI hate being a weekI hate everything about me

I am tired of this world where I can't live the way I amI am tired of living while thinking of others' intentionI want to fly high and set myself freeI want to chase my dreams without difficultyBut every time I try, I feel chockedEvery time I stand up, I feel chained by fearsI hate my fears I hate myselfI hate it when people look at meAll they want is my bodyBut they don't know I also have feelingsI hate it when I can't go outI hate it when I hide in the crowdI hate to admit my health issuesI hate to fight with myselfI hate to live in my cageI want to set myself free without any boundariesI want to be me!

Peace

Have u ever wondered what is loveWhy people wore smilingly faces when their hearts tearing apartWhy it is important to let your heart bleed for your other halfI loth this love I hate being in loveCase everything is fake just for a showI hate being weak I hate being a crybabyCause every time I fell, I fell in abysI don't have anyone it's only meI want to be alone but I hate to be lonelyI wish I can start over my whole fucking lifeI wish I could disappear to end all the miseryI wish to create a better future even if it is slightly goodI wish to be someone else even if for a dayWill I become admirable?Will everything be worth it if I become...Nah it won'tI want to be me I want to live myselfWithout getting worried about shitty societyI want to be me I want to teach others to live themselvesBy speaking about what they feelPeople will always try to tear you apartYou have to be bold you have to be smartYour situation will be nothing at that momentDon't get attached to anyone no matter whatThose sleepless nights still hunt me downI want to be at peaceYeah, I just want that

"Haven't you thought about working?", her doctor asked while giving her back her phone. Before Lasya say something, her mother talked. "One of her teachers asked her to join the college as a teacher but she didn't want to go there so I didn't force her. Now she looking for a job."

"Then how about working here in the hospital medical?", he suggested which made Lasya smile. She nodded instantly. "I would love to! When can I join?", she quizzed excitedly.

"You can join from today. I will tell them that I am sending someone as an intern", he replied and Lasya smiled. With that, she bid him goodbye and went to the hospital pharmacy.