chapter 34
Mrs camble had walked orderly down the hall, her head drifting forward as her office lay open the door spilling a substance that lay inside.
Her hands gripped the doorway as her eyes struck open, wide at the pile of paper that lay scattered over her desk. Spilling into the floor.
Crumbled in balls, smeered, soaked, as she came closer the scene built itself for each one was covered with words, some almost completely black others ripped into peices she walked as if in slow motion dropping into her chair almost shaking at the image of his life he'd just given, revealed. Wrote.
She'd sat there motionless, attempting to find a way to order the situation, maybe even note it for herself. For it was after she'd tried to write a report she'd left the pen and board on the edge of the desk, as it was the story in front of her that was the report. The only progress she'd needed to note, it was his order, his puzzle he'd made for her to put together. After all it was her that let him find each piece, paint them.
And now he had made them for her to connect, a thank you in thousands of words.
Leaning over the desk shed reached her arm out gripping the rough paper that spread up her arms in a shiver like the words that lay on them produced.
October 13th 1985
It's getting lonely here, it's so cold I hate it.
My dad came by the other day, we talked for a bit but it got nowhere as usual.
Sometimes I don't think he actually wants to talk to me, rather just say something so he feels better, its stupid when he tries to pretend in a kid.
Sometimes I just wanna yell, I want to scream, I want to tell him I know he's "fucking fraud" and I didn't think I gave him permission to steal an expression from me, I don't want him to see my thoughts it's not fair that he gets to say the things he does.
Why can't I do that, why can't I say all the things I want to. I want him to know me. "To know me differently, know me better, maybe then he'll see me for a different reason, I could tell him wh-
Mrs camble had squinted her eyes where the words blurred, smeered into a dark black stroke, spotted with a dried tears that spread the black, so long ago it crusted.
She'd put the page down slowly, her breathing attempting to level itself out as she picked up another page.
October 23 1985
Percy and wren keep getting ahead of me, there too fast I can't catch up, I want them to see me get better too, then maybe wren and I could talk again, but this time I would know how to-
September 6th 1985
why dont you understand, I know she won't come back, that's why I held onto her, maybe I can remind you. I can remind you why I wanted to remember.
"If I called you dad again would you go back there, see everything you missed the first time" maybe there you'll find me. You'll hear me ag-
January 2nd 1986
Hi Mrs camble I wanted to let you know that I don't hate you, I got mad today and I didn't want to, your always so calm and know exactly what to say to me when I get weird. I scare myself sometimes and It makes me act differently, you already know this I'm sure. I hate how pathetic this sounds, it makes me feel weak, useless, and before you tell me I'm not I want you to just know that I know that.
So don't forget that I know it, "I mean I know it, I do, really I do Mrs camble" and I think it's because you keep telling me that I make myself think that, but Mrs camble if I were to try and tell you what I think. This page would go on the whole book, until you would have to buy me another, like another five bucks.
Even then I'll still be thinking. Because it doesn't stop, and it doesn't always empty when I write. It just came Mrs out so I can say it easier or maybe not say it at all, just think it again, differently.
Maybe next week I will be better for you, I can be calm too, I think I can do that for you.
Just like you've done for me, you've always done it for me, I've never seen you mad or sad or anything.
Now I know you don't always feel that way, it's impossible, everybody has to feel mad, and sad and mad, but I like that you don't do it for me like they used to. You make me wanna do it to. "Even though it's hard I think I will try, for you Mrs camble.
So don't forget that I know it, "I mean I know it, I do, really I do Mrs camble" and I think it's because you keep telling me that I make myself think that, but Mrs camble if I were to try and tell you what I think. This page would go on the whole book, until you would have to buy me another, like another five bucks.
Even then I'll still be thinking. Because it doesn't stop, and it doesn't always empty when I write. It just came Mrs out so I can say it easier or maybe not say it at all, just think it again, differently.
but Mrs camble if I were to try and tell you what I think. This page would go on the whole book, until you would have to buy me another, like another five bucks, y-yeah another five bucks I think.
____
Mrs cambles hand had cupped her mouth as she'd read through most of what he hadn't repeated, for the rest of the ten paragraphs had repeated the first five, in attempt to make it better as he stated popularly.
*September 8th 1985
"Oh shut up, just shut up for once.
All I wanted was to be seen, not just observed. There's a fucking difference"
*October 9th 1985
He got mad at me, very very mad at me Mrs camble, I didn't mean to do it, i didn't mean to i didn't mean to do it again.
He scares me when he gets loud it hurts my ears alot, yeah it hurts my ears alot-
"God it hurts-
January 13th 1986
Hey Mrs camble, I think I'm getting better just like you said, did you see how I was this morning did you see how I was calm like you, just like you.
Did you see how talked to you more, I think I saw I liked when you smiled and told me about it, and when you-
Yeah that was great it helped me, thank you-
_____
Mrs camble arched over the table a hand pulling the hair off her face as she set the paper down, whipping her eye that had begun to water, for the peices did not come together, they were never together in the first place. They couldn't be out together, they couldn't be brought back, used to hurt him more, they were there to show her she's not gonna complete him she's gonna watch how he's done it in his own way, he'd begun to change, heal in his own way.
She'd begun to slowly unravel the crumble paper teeth marked breaking them in half the page covered with smeered words, scribbles and forcfull lines with the pen that cut through the page.
"Why did I have to see that aga-
"When did I say he could bring her back to-
"No please I can't keep doing this, mrs-
I wanted you to think I was getting better
Getting bet-
..can you pretend.
___
Closing her eyes she hunched over the table sniffling her eyes caught a number on the bottom of the note she read while a smile spread across her face, a chuckle and a whipe of the mascara that smeered beneath her eyes shed took from the chair to her feet standing over the pile as she'd use her sleeve rubbing it under her nose before picking the papers up, each one a different number, she leaned them out across her desk the smile growing wider as they'd gone in an order, a tiemline that became a testimony he needed her to see..
The month of September had scratched with messages of hatred to himself, arguments, fights..
The month of October dragged with thoughts, ideas, memories, regrets..
The month of November carried through apologies he never said, regrets he promised to show up, and letters to family he couldn't talk to..
The month of December had filled with promises, deals with himself, a bet on his soul to heal.
The month of January sent to Mrs camble, attempted thank you's, agnolegment of what it was doing, acceptance of the idea of healing.
February 2nd 1986
I'm not gonna see you in the morning Mrs Camble not this week, but I have something else for you, even if I'm not there today you can work on this, and me next week.
Give me a little bit of time and I'll come back better than before I know it. I'm so close Mrs camble..I'm getting so close.
I'll tell you all about when I come back, with my own voice I'll lisgu about it with you, I'll let you see me ok Mrs camble, I'm gonna come back ok, just like you spent so much time trying to help me to be.
So don't go anywhere, don't go anywhere yet. I'm almost done, I'm almost there for you, for all of them that waited.
I'm coming back, I'm coming back to myself, we're gonna make amends, we're gonna work together again, and I'm gonna get rid of him, I won't be hungry for it anymore, I won't give in, I won't fall again Mrs camble.
I know my other writing is hard to read, I said to do that, but I left this one for you Mrs camble, can you read it clearly, can you read it for me.
Fraser doesn't know about this one, and I won't tell him, if I let him remember my struggle he won't be able to remember my rise.
So Mrs camble. Remember who I was before. And see who I am now.
Thank you.
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Folding the papers into a pile she lay the final sheet on top. "I can read it ronin" she said with soft smile and watery eyes that held the next words until ready to let them out.
"It's very clear, very clear"