Red Supergiant

Krishnamrit had now grown even older. He was in highschool and had now become a full time shut-in. His relationship with his mother had gotten even worse. His days were spent in his room all day watching movies, shows, anime, reading manga, comics, light novels and he would watch hentai at night to jerk off and engage in self- pleasure. He would only go outside once every three months to buy a lot of cigarettes that he would smoke all day, everyday. Krishnamrit had learnt every method of escapism. He had fallen into a life of boredom, nihilism and deep despair. Every night he slept, he wished he would not wake up the next day. He had lost all ambition in life and he didn't even have the energy to do his normal daily chores. Once his dream of becoming an astrophysicist had now crumbled to dust as he had lost interest in everything. He felt that everything he did was pointless, that his life was pointless, being not born perhaps would've been far better than only being born to be weak and incompetent, unable to achieve anything he wants, making no efforts to achieve anything he wants, yet complaining when he didn't get what he wanted. He had given up on life believing there was no value in his existence, that there was no value in other people's existence. If there was no value in his life then why would there be value in anything related to life? Why should he give all his efforts in education to become someone of status and intellectual prowess? Why should he become a scientist? Why should he become a politician? Why should he become a psychologist? Why should he become a philosopher? Why should he become an artist? Why should he become rich? Why should he follow self-improvement and make his life better? Why should he follow spirituality to attain some non-existent nirvana? Why should he follow religious morals and values and devote himself to God? Why should he form deep and meaningful friendships and relationships? And the people who become all of that, the ones who become scientists and mathematicians, the ones who become spiritualists and psychologists, the ones who become priests and politicians, the ones who become philosophers and intellectuals, what do they achieve by making contributions in their various fields? Giving people different ideologies to kill and exploit each other? Giving themselves reasons to enact war and violence upon other countries? Giving themselves the illusions that they know or understand something about the universe enacting their power upon it so that they don't feel weak and insignificant and fall into nihilism and deep despair? The people who try to create deep and meaningful relationships, what do they achieve by that? In the end those friendships and relationships end, making those people hate each other. They won't only hate each other but hate each other's gender as well, going after each other whenever they can. And now he must become one of them and contribute to this vicious cycle?

"Bullshit, I'd never do it", that's what he believed deep down but if he would never do it, what would he do? Nothing. He could do nothing.

Despite his denial of doing anything, he still had a deep desire for a good life, for meaningful relationships, for respect, for love, for intelligence, yet he never could achieve any of those because he was weak, he was incompetent, he was stupid, he was ugly, which kept him in constant conflict with himself and others, only adding to his suffering.

All he did was eat, sleep and masturbate, seeing the drastic change in his life, I couldn't help but think to myself.

"A life filled with nothing but survival and reproduction, simple life and death"

One day, he woke up, without wanting to, he had dark circles under his eyes. He stayed up all night watching hentai again. He sits up in his blanket and yawns with a tired and disinterested expression, his mom opens the door to his room and walks in with a plate in her hand.

"Here's your breakfast", she says quietly, putting it down on the table and then leaves, not speaking much to him.

"Yeah sure", he replies before she leaves, he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then comes back to sit on his bed to eat breakfast. He grabs his laptop and puts it on his lap. He turns it on and starts watching some random anime while eating his breakfast. He kept eating it and watching the show, there was a fight scene playing on his laptop but he wasn't paying attention, he just kept eating, zoned out, his eyes reflecting the light of the laptop screen. I was also looking at him and the screen, seeing his dead expression. He had been watching these shows for such a long time that he doesn't even find them interesting anymore. They are all the same. I sigh and think to myself.

"Why does he even watch them if he doesn't like them?"

After eating breakfast, Krishnamrit closed the computer in boredom and frustration and went outside to the balcony. The clouds covered the sky, he lived on the third floor. He took out a cigarette and started smoking wondering about what must be going on in his school. He hadn't been to it in three months, since he gave his exams. He looks up at the sky seeing the clouds cover the sun, not letting the light reach him.

"I hope this kills me", he mutters to himself while smoking, I stand on the railing of the balcony seeing him wish for the end of his life. I clearly didn't want that, so I flew up to him and sat on his cigarette.

"GYAAAAHHHHH", he screams and spits his cigarette from his mouth, he moves back looking at me on his fallen cigarette. He tries to crush me with his feet but I quickly fly away and hide in a corner.

"Damnit, that was my last", he mutters to himself in annoyance but then sighs and goes back inside his room. He started using his laptop again, watching random movies, shows, anime, he lost track of time and it was now evening. He started feeling annoyed and frustrated as another day came to an end, a day devoid of anything. He went downstairs to grab some snacks. His mother wasn't home as she was working. He takes out some snacks from his fridge and starts chewing them down thinking eating will make him feel better but nothing happens. He just puts the food down in frustration and sits on his couch wondering what he should do. He was feeling sweaty as he hadn't bathed yet so he decided to take a bath hoping it would make him feel better. He enters his bathroom and fills his bucket with extremely hot water. He pours the water on his body taking pleasure in the burning sensation given to him by the extremely hot water. To him it felt like he was a step closer to death. The thought of dying and being freed from his boring lifetime was pleasurable. He kept pouring it down on his body feeling the burning sensations which were painful yet relieving and satisfying. He then comes out of the bathroom after bathing. He bathed for so long that it was nighttime now. He went out to his balcony again and looked up at the night sky, gazing at the Musca constellation, a giant insect in the sky. He had a dark expression on his face as he looked down from his balcony, wondering if he should jump. If he did, he would be saved from all of the nonsense that plagued his life. He climbs up a little to jump but I again fly in front of his face making him fall back.

"GYAAAAHHHHH", he screams again falling to the ground. "Where is this damn cockroach coming from?", he spoke in anger, he then held his head tightly in frustration that he failed to kill himself again.

Every night he used to attempt to kill himself. Sometimes by trying to choke himself to death, sometimes by trying to strangle himself with a chain, sometimes by eating multiple tablets, sometimes he used to try to cut his hands, sometimes he used to punch himself, sometimes he used to scratch his whole body to harm himself, but every time he did, every time he tried, every time he wanted to end it, everytime he felt it was the end of his life, he failed. There was something keeping him alive, hope or just a survival instinct he didn't know but he continued to live despite wanting to, and every time he tried to do it there was with him, as a witness, a cockroach. He was now getting angry at his failed attempts and the annoying cockroach that kept attacking him, saving his life, intentionally or unintentionally he didn't know but he was tired, both mentally and physically, so he thought perhaps he should give up on trying to kill himself and just live pathetically until he dies either by accident or naturally. With this thought he just went to his bed and lay down, a tired look on his face, more tired than ever before, he tries to jerk off to pleasure himself again but just falls asleep as his eyes close from exhaustion. Seeing him fall asleep I sigh in relief and think to myself.

--He is pathetic but.....

....I can't help feeling bad for him.