Supernova Explosion

One day, I saw him wake up, it was 2 pm on a Sunday Afternoon. He had woken up earlier than he usually did. I was with him in his room, as always. He lifted the curtains and saw it was a rainy day. The Sun was hidden by the clouds, a few sun rays managing to penetrate through them. Krishnamrit entered the balcony and I followed after him. Looking down from the balcony he saw, two couples passing by, holding hands, looking happy. I followed his gaze wondering if deep down he was wishing he was that man with the girl he liked in the past. I saw his expression. A look of jealousy, sadness, loneliness and melancholy. Deep down inside, i felt that he deserved to hold someone's hand as well, that he deserved to have someone to love as well, but he didn't have it, because he never reached out, he never made an effort. After all he was a shut-in. Someone who spends their life in their room, someone who doesn't attend school, someone who doesn't make efforts to create relationships. Someone who gives up on life and accepts nihilism, falling into deep despair but even then they feel envious over a couple passing by as human beings are possessive creatures, they want everything for themselves as it makes them feel powerful, it is their animal instinct. Even if they give up on relationships they still feel the desire for connection as loneliness is a predicament they all find themselves in. A predicament I found myself in, seeing the death of the multiple roaches. I saw him walk back inside and followed after him, he had a sad, resigned and irritated expression on his face as he entered the bathroom to brush his teeth. He had dark circles under his eyes and an exhausted look on his face before the day even started. He was brushing his teeth looking at himself in the mirror, making a disgusted expression. I knew right away that he was cursing himself for his appearance, believing it to be the reason people show a dislike towards him.

"He doesn't look that bad, surely his face isn't the most symmetrical, surely he has a few marks on his face, surely he doesn't have the best looking eyes, the best looking nose, the best looking lips, the best looking eyebrows, the best looking hair, but he doesn't look as bad as the piece of garbage from a trashcan that he believes himself to be, and he just woke up, ofcourse he isn't looking good. Is he an idiot?", I thought to myself, seeing him brush his teeth in irritation.

He then walks out of the bathroom, wiping his wet face and hands with a towel. He proceeds to go downstairs and I follow after him. He looked at his mother who was lying on the couch, her eyes were closed as she was resting, tired from all the work she usually does. She had already prepared breakfast for her son. He looks at her for a moment and then puts his hand forward to grab breakfast. He takes it, turns around and starts walking back inside. His mother's eyes open from the sound and he sits up on the couch.

"H- hey wait, come sit with me", she speaks, in a desperate attempt to fix her broken relationship with her son, a sad expression on her face.

Krishnamrit stops in his tracks for a moment, still holding the plate of breakfast in his hands. He listens to her words with a sad, guilty and resigned expression on his face, but he doesn't respond and simply walks up to his room, in silence. I follow after him again, as usual, going everywhere he does. He sighs and sits down on his bed, eating the food in silence. Probably still thinking about his relationship with his mother. In an attempt to distract himself, he turns his phone on and starts using social media. I look at him scrolling through social media. He was scrolling through multiple posts, of couples sharing deep and intimate moments with each other, posts of friends hanging out and having fun, posts of families going on vacations and enjoying their lives, posts of people doing all sorts of stuff together and being happy. I saw the same look of sadness, envy, loneliness and melancholy in his expression.

"He shouldn't use social media, it's just a place filled with toxic assholes who want to let their frustration out and those people in the posts surely must have a life filled with suffering as well", I thought while sighing to myself, seeing the look in his eyes.

I saw him keep scrolling until the expression on his face got worse and worse, until it turned into anger and frustration and he threw his phone away, his phone falling down to the ground. I then see him lay down on his bed, looking up at the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought.

"What's he thinking about now?", I think to myself, with a curious and perplexed look on my face.

Seeing his expression of reflection and self-pity, I immediately understood that he was thinking about his life, probably wondering about why he can't form relationships and deep connections. His face then turned to one of resignation as he closed his eyes and fell asleep, for the second time. He had a stressed expression while sleeping again, so I decided to fan his face again with my wings, seeing his face go from stressed to relaxed. I kept looking at him sleep, for hours and hours, wondering what I should do to help him. Wondering if there is a way for me to lessen his suffering.

"Perhaps, I should try speaking with him, I've been watching him his whole life, never attempting to communicate, I need to talk to him, he needs it now more than ever, both me and him", I think to myself as I make the resolve to speak with him this time, after he wakes up. Perhaps it would offer him the connection he desires, despite me being a hideous cockroach that he doesn't even know exists.", I thought to myself, making the resolve to speak with him, tho a fear deep down that my confrontation with him would end like the roaches that I tried to connect with, years ago, would end like the humans I tried to connect with, years ago but I still keep the decision believing I should atleast try, waiting for him to wake up.

After many hours, he opened his eyes, it was evening now. He sits up on his bed and wipes his eyes. He was sweating all over his body and his hair were looking messy.

"Damnit I forgot to take a bath", he mutters to himself in irritation as he scratches his head.

He gets up to grab his clothes from the almirah, he then takes his towel and enters the bathroom. I stay back, not following him inside, waiting for him to come out. He takes a long one hour bath. Possibly pondering over his life again. He then comes out, wearing a shirt and jeans, looking ready to go out, determination in his eyes. Looking at his resolved face I understood that he's finally gonna leave his house and go out, after three months. I was happy for him, perhaps he would meet new people, perhaps he would finally make some friends, perhaps a change in atmosphere will bring some positivity in his life. I see him walk out of his door and decide to not follow him this time, letting him go alone. I go out to the balcony to see him walk away from the house, in his usual timid and reserved manner. I see him walk as it starts raining and he disappears into the distance. I keep staying on the balcony looking up at the sky as the rain gets heavier and heavier. I see multiple people walk by carrying umbrellas, realising Krishnamrit didn't take one with him.

"Heh, I bet he'll probably return home all soaked", I think to myself, imagining him wearing wet clothes, in irritation, blaming himself for not taking the umbrella with him. I wait on the balcony for hours and hours, seeing the multiple people pass by. Some were couples, some were friends, some were families, realising Krishnamrit had gone alone.

"Should I have gone with him? He must be probably feeling lonely and envious again seeing all these people. No it doesn't matter, It's not like my presence would make a difference, he hasn't noticed me in all these years of his life, why would my presence make a difference now and I am a cockroach after all, not like I can speak with humans and I'm gonna try speaking with him anyways after he returns home", I think and sigh to myself, feeling quite useless because of my inability to help him and also lonely and frustrated because of my inability to speak with humans, yet slightly determined, to make atleast one attempt at conversation. All these years spent among humans yet no communication with them even a single time. Any attempt at conversation, they could not understand. It was something that I wanted to break. Perhaps Krishnamrit would understand him because of their shared solitude. As Krishnamrit walks he sees a shop selling cigarettes. He stops for a moment wondering whether he should buy a packet or not. He feels tempted by the idea as he was quite the addict yet he tries to resist.

"Damnit, I shouldn't be thinking about it right, I made the decision to make my life better, I shouldn't be doing this", he keeps trying to resist it but his desires and addiction are too strong.

"Fuck it, I'm buying it", he walks over to the store and buys packet of cigarettes. He keeps it in his pocket and continues walking. Feeling guilty over his decision yet a hint of fulfillment of his desires.

Meanwhile back at the house, on the balcony, I keep waiting, looking up at the sky. The rain kept getting worse. The people on the streets were now starting to lessen. Everyone was going back inside their houses as the rain started getting more fierce.

"He's taking too long to return, did something happen?", I wonder to myself, worried about him, as it had been hours since he left. It was now almost midnight. There was no one on the streets due to the intense rain. The wind was blowing so fast that I had to go back inside the room. I was now more worried about Krishnamrit's safety, though I knew there was nothing I could really do as if I went out there I'll be killed.

All of a sudden, a power cut occurred, the whole house went dark. Nothing could be seen. So, I just went to a corner and sat down. Waiting for Krishnamrit to return. It was 1 am, I had started growing more and more concerned, wondering if he got caught in an accident or whether he was just waiting for the rain to stop so he could return home.

Finally, after hours and hours of waiting, he walked inside the room. I was happy to see him and walked closer to him, but then I stopped. He was walking while keeping one hand on his shoulder. Blood was dripping from his shoulders. He was looking severely beaten and bruised. For a moment, my eyes widened in shock, wondering what must've happened to him, but then I remembered, years ago, when he used to get bullied, beaten up everyday. It was a familiar sight. I immediately understood what happened to him. Krishnamrit simply walks to his bed and lies down. He was looking completely exhausted. He looked up at the ceiling again, contemplating something. He had a look of sadness and regret. He just crouched on his bed and started crying while holding his body. I looked at him crying with softness and empathy. Perhaps it was the time I finally tried to help him, and myself. I started walking closer to his bed, determined to speak with him.

"Hey Krishnamrit it's me!", I speak, trying to sound cheerful, in attempts to lighten his mood. He takes a glance at me. His eyes were still teary.

"Huh", he mutters to himself with a look of confusion. Seeing his expression, I looked a little disappointed but then I tried again.

"Don't you remember me? I'm sure you've seen a cockroach many times, it was me, every time, I want to talk!", I speak again, trying to sound cheerful again, hoping he would respond this time. He still keeps looking at me confused, clearly not understanding what I said. He now sits up on his bed and looks at me. Trying to hear and understand what I said. I then sigh to myself knowing it would take more effort to make him understand me.

"You feel lonely, don't you?", I speak, this time in a louder voice with a more serious tone. His eyes widen in shock, horror and confusion. I expected it. Clearly no one had seen a cockroach ever speak, so his reaction made sense. He kept looking at me in stunned silence. The look on his face showed his bewilderment . He kept looking at me for a while and then averted his gaze. Turning back to his bed, probably believing, what he saw, was a hallucination. I look down and sigh to myself. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I then get a little closer and speak again, in a louder voice.

"Hey respond to me. We are speaking the same language, aren't we? Do I not exist for you? My name is Krishnamrit. I have been observing you, I feel lonely, you feel so too, don't you?", I speak again, with a hint of annoyance and desperation. Hoping to shock him by using his name as my own. Yet again, I get no response from him. Only his shocked expression of contemplation. His expression kept changing, from shock to wonder, from pride to fear, from thoughtfulness to hurt, and for a moment, his expression turned to one of disgust. Seeing him make such a disgusted face, hurt me.

"W- what's with that face? Does he find me disgusting? Because I'm a cockroach", I thought to myself, wondering why he made such a face. I had spent so much time with him. Seeing him discard me like that hurt me, despite the fact that I understood he clearly wouldn't understand me. I kept wondering to myself what the reason could be. I started to feel a little disappointed. I then try again.

"H- hey Krishnamrit, respond to me", I try again, trying to appear cheerful again, yet a hint of desperation in my voice. However, much to my disappointment, he didn't respond again, he just turned back on his bed, trying to fall asleep, trying to believe that what he saw was a hallucination. I feel hurt again, but then I start feeling angry. I was just a hallucination to him? I had spent my whole life with him. I saw him grow up since childhood. I was there every moment of his life. Every moment he felt happy, every moment felt sad. I helped him fall asleep when he couldn't, I saved him from himself when he tried to kill himself. Yet, I was invisible to him. I was nothing more than a cockroach after all. I knew that. I understood that. Yet it still didn't change how I felt. I felt hurt. I felt angry. My disappointment and hatred for humans gets the better of me as I look up to him again, and then shout.

"Why do you humans always ignore me? Is it because I am a cockroach? Because I am hideous? Do I not exist for you? Am I insignificant? You don't know how I feel, you don't understand my loneliness. You don't know what it feels like to not be able to tell people that I can understand human emotion, that I can relate with humans, that I am capable of understanding, that i can feel like humans do. You don't know how lonely it feels when humans simply walk past me, even when I try to speak with them, they don't understand me, they don't believe me, because I'm a cockroach, even worse they try to crush me with their feet, I have to worry about my life everytime I encounter a human, if your life is terrible, MINE IS FAR WORSE, you can't possibly understand, after all, you're a human". I burst out in anger. I then turned around and left in hurt and disappointment. As I walked outside the room, I heard Krishnamrit say.

"W- wait", he spoke as he was shocked and felt guilty that he ignored me, he felt guilty that he pushed someone away again, yet I didn't respond to him and simply walked out. All the others rooms were covered in darkness due to the power cut. Only his was slightly lit due to the small rays of moonlight managing to penetrate through the clouds, coming inside, through the window. I walked out, in darkness, as the rain had now taken the form of a thunderstorm.