Pangs Of Regret

I loved Pokémon. The idea of raising partners who'd fight beside you. The idea of creating a show of some sort with them. It appealed to me. I honestly wished there had been a dedicated beauty show for Pokémon. Looking over different fanfictions and reading the story from start to finish I found the anime wonderful. The manga was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy though. Still the Anime... I loved it. When I watched the show, it was like I had a friend nearby that seemed to understand me. The concepts of the show itself and the what ifs in the series. Hurt me in ways I couldn't understand. Remember that scene with Ash when he had to let his Butterfree go? I had cried hard. Yet, they also gave me strength. An idea of what it would be like to live in that fantastical world.

Now I wasn't 100% "Alone" in life. Sure, I had talked with others about things I liked. Honestly though, nobody understood the points I brought up. They would always say, "Why overthink the anime? What was the point of what ifs, it's not like the stories are real." While everyone talked about how cool a fight scene was, and I would agree that most of them were super cool. I liked a bit of the action myself. I found myself more drawn to the personalities of the cast of different series. The people behind the screen, the what ifs they specified to me that didn't matter. It screamed out to me in a way that drawn me in.

I wondered what it would be like to live a different fantasy life. Those around me seemed to like the idea from a combat or action perspective. They liked the idea of being some sort of MC. Weirdly enough to them though, I didn't think the same. I loved slice of life anime as a whole over all the "world is ending" issues. I would just love to meet Ash and tell him thanks for everything he had done for my childhood. The shows I had watched were part of who I was growing up and honestly, they felt real to me in a way. Sure, they were fantasy, but some lessons I learned and kept in my heart stayed true, past fantasy.

The ways I wanted to treat people around me. The ways I'd try to help people around me. I just wished others around me could understand that. That honestly, I was tired of living in a world that people cared little about each other. I'd try, but I alone couldn't make a friendship. Maybe thinking back on it I was looking for more. A family of some sort, one reason I absolutely loved Fairy Tail. Family wasn't just your immediate by blood related people. Families were chosen. I guess however that I was too weird for people to consider close?

And for those people that considered themselves my friends, were merely that on the surface. They honestly didn't get my hobbies or the things that made me excited. I'd share it with them. Tell them. Talk with them, and I would listen to the things they like. I gave them gifts, each one according to what I knew about them. When birthdays or Christmas came up, however. My gifts never fit the things I told. I'd get them what they loved; I'd see them wear the clothes I got all the time. I'd see the games played. Collectibles showed off. Me though, I would get things like a shaving kits, cups, mugs, and whatever they could think of out of typically common gifts to give. Like Cards.

I had tried joining online chats or see if certain clubs existed with people that liked similar things to what I liked. Especially for places close to where I lived, but I was in a more rural area so places according to my hobbies didn't really exist. Online chats also kind of lacked a human touch to them. So, I was frustrated for years, decades. People just didn't seem to click with me. Honestly, I wondered for so long if it was me. I hadn't cursed by like 2 times in my life. I helped people if they ever called for help. I had been right there heading straight from my house. Even when I got a Girlfriend that was gorgeous and seemed to have similar interests.

After dating for a couple years, I started showing parts of who I was. Someone I was generally interested in and happy to be around. Her smile, the way she acted. It was like I finally had found another part of myself. Then it showed over time that they were uninterested in those hobbies. They faded over time, maybe she considered them childish. Honestly though I found that she was honestly just more interested in what others had going on. She'd stay on social media for hours. Sure, I didn't expect them to per say love those shows the same way I did, I was honestly just happy with the bit of interest as it showed in interest in me. But no.

I'd play the few games she loved and was addicted to with her all the time. I'd try to ask her about the things going on. Her day. Getting into the lore of the games and enjoying myself with her. I tried to learn about her hobbies. Was able to learn trivia about it. We'd go out around town, and I would hang out and have a great time with her. But when each day would end, she'd focused on her own interests and games more. Rarely ever would they set aside these things and just try to learn about the things I liked. Maybe once a week they would give my hobbies a few minutes of attention or they would watch one or two episodes of some sort of anime with me. Once they were done, however they opened their game or social media or anything else and focused on it. She had ADHD and blamed it on it, but the thing was. I also had it. Even when I wasn't the most interested in something. I was still interested in her and gave her my time. I realized then... That they weren't really interested in me. I loved them, I'd give my life for them. But they just didn't care.

Still, that was the usual wasn't it. That's how it'd always been. Even my parents never really got into anything I liked. I tried sharing and they would tell me to leave them alone when I was younger. It would simply be the same here. So, with the same things heard and seen all my life. I grew tired. I couldn't afford counseling. God knows I needed it. I didn't make enough for that in a rural area. Prices for that kind of stuff was set to be more affordable for city like areas where they have a higher customer base and can afford to lower the price a bit per individual. So, I went to the one thing I knew. Pokémon, Naruto, Fanfiction, Manga. It didn't matter to me. In those worlds I was a friend of those characters. I was someone who was part of the story. Even if it was from a distance as an observer, or something made up in my head. I think it also kept me alive for those years. I also developed a bit of a love for My Little Pony. The friendship is magic series. Stuffed animals I also gained a bit of a liking for. Candles, I loved the scent and they helped me calm down.

I dreamed!!! I hoped for a change. Then the day I hoped for finally came. My death. A freedom from the pain I never wished to end myself. Still even with all that and still not being the closest with anyone. I just wished all those people a good life in my last moments. That nobody I left behind would feel like I had day in and day out. That they felt loved and never appreciated. For that pain, I knew and would wish on no-one. Who knows... Maybe that's why most people are hurt in our generation. Most have short attention spans and can't focus on each other's lives when they need it. They procrastinate till it's too late. Well, such thoughts were for someone else though as I felt my consciousness slip from my body.

A mind tore by life, striped from its body by the cold embrace of a truck. Maybe even Truck-Kun.