Alone again

Felix left shortly after. It's not like she had anywhere to go. But she seemed to sense something inside of me. It appeared as though she understood my deepest emotions more than I ever could. And so it seemed as though she realized that I merely wanted to be alone right now. 

And so I laid alone again, just like I did some hours prior. However, I was an entirely different person right now. I had learned that Felix was a ghost. That she felt happiness. And that I also desired to feel emotions. I learned about many emotions. And I also got my new goal; Achieving the greatest of emotions in the form of sadness.

Felix told me that she'd meet me tomorrow, just shortly before school. She even gave me a spot to meet her. She really seemed to think all of that through. 

Not that I care much. I only wanted to... I don't even know.

So much had happened... and despite that, not really anything happened. I felt a feeling which was... strange. Not like anything in particular happened with me... But something still happened inside of me.

'Desire.'

A Desire has awakened inside of me. That was something unusual. I do not know if prior to those events, such a desire was ever present in my life. It probably was, though. But I do not remember it in the slightest. So when it was there, it really just went over my head.

But this one was different. Every inch of my body, every fracture of my soul... Everything I had wanted to achieve and satisfy that burning desire.

I wanted to feel. Though wanting to feel is in itself a feeling, you could say. But that's not what I wanted.

Happiness. Rage. Sadness. Disgust. Fear. Surprise. Love. 

I wanted to achieve everyone of them. I wanted to experience them all. I wanted to experience every single emotion, no matter what. That desire was already an emotion. So I was good to go.

I stared at the ceiling. At this very time, just one day prior, I was... without any sort of aim. Nothing in my life was significant. At least nothing felt significant. Nothing felt... at all. But that was different now. I wanted to achieve something. I wanted to acquire something. Even though I, up until this point, never had the feeling of my life being worthless, it now seemed like that. At least in retrospective. After all, what really was my life worth?

It's not like I had any goal. Or really anything. I had nothing. My life didn't serve any greater purpose. But now I had something that other people around me could only dream of. I felt like I had been chosen. I was the one person who could achieve it. Everyone around me was foolish. They didn't know anything. I had a vision and they didn't have it. 

Was I about to become crazy? Were I already crazy? Am I still... Myself? Is it even important? Is there anything important in my life aside from achieving my goal? Is there anything important in my life aside from feeling every emotion?

I didn't care about it.

All I did care about any of that.

My goal was there.

And it was my turn to achieve it.