Smiling while cutting

Felix has, subconsciously, brought me back home. I don't blame her though. After all, it was time to finally start the plans I had announced.

We were in my room, me sitting in my bed, Felix floating through the room. She seemed to enjoy her ghostly nature and the perks that came with it.

"So, what's the plan?"

"Um... Uh... It's easy!" Felix seemed to struggle at first, then she finally began sharing the plan she seemed to have carefully crafted. "So, ya said ya wanna be sad, right? Well, for that, we first gotta make you real happy! Ya need a real good life! Then, we can shatter allat and then ya will be real sad. That's how writers did it back in the day as well. They wrote something happy, they let you bond with the characters and allat. And then they take everything away, they make everythin bad and allat. Only then do ya feel real sad."

" You seem to know a lot about books... You told me about 'Faust' and now you're talking about them again."

"They are also a form of art, ain't they? These days, novels that tryna hit ya in the feels don't exist no more... They just like drawing. Ya just did it cuz ya did it. There ain't no deeper meaning... Well, no. That ain't right. There is a deeper meaning most of the time, but there don't need to be a reason to write... Ya get it?"

"Partially... So the current objective is becoming happy? How exactly will we accomplish that?"

"Uh... Easy! We gonna make ya suffer, then when suffering is gone ya will be glad. And then we use that to expand upon the happiness. How's that sound?"

"We seem to go in circles, don't we? Next you will tell me to get happy first..."

"Nah, nah! We spin this round now! Cmon, go to ya bag and take out the knife."

I shrugged and did as she commanded. I could already predict the direction this would turn to. After reaching inside the bag and taking out the knife which had already cut into my skin a few hours prior, Felix gave me my next objective;

"Cut yaself. Till it hurts."

"What? That won't accomplish anything."

"Course it will! Ya are already rebelling right now, ain't ya? That means ya don't want to do it! Cuz doing it will cause ya to suffer."

"Well... You are kind of right."

"Cutting oneself was a clear sign of self-hatred and depression back in the days. So you cutting yourself is an action which is deeply connected with strong feelings. Ya could even call cutting the light version of suicide, so there's that!"

It didn't take much to convince me. The state I was currently in made my mostly obedient to Felix. She seemed like a prophet, teaching me how to properly live. When she said that even my protests are part of the plan, she had convinced me. Everything she said seemed to make sense to me, so why complain?

"Where should I cut myself though?"

"We don't want ya dying, so avoid vital areas. And don't cut too deep, understand?"

"The depth part I understand, but what are those vital areas?"

"Uh... To be honest, Ion know. But the wrists are very dangerous, so don't do it there. Rather do it somewhere thick, I'd imagine. Like... A bit below your shoulder?"

I nodded and obeyed. I stripped off my newly bought blue sweater and laid it down beside me. Then I took a deep breath, positioned the still bloody knife near my arm... And cut inside.

A similar feeling to this morning pierced my body. However, this morning I only stabbed my finger a bit. Therefore, the feeling was very small back then.

But this was different. The sharp iron cut right through my flesh. And with it came another feeling... Pain.

It wasn't my first time feeling pain. Just that morning I had felt it. And in the span of my life I had also felt it multiple times. Especially when I was younger I often did reckless things. Therefore, me hurting myself was only normal back then. But it always happened on accident, never because I wanted to be hurt.

This one is different. I wanted this pain. And despite that, it was probably the worst pain I had ever felt. It's not as though the pain inflicted to me itself was that bad. Don't get me wrong, it was very unpleasant. And it definitely hurt. It was hell on it's own. I was suffering. But I wasn't only suffering physically; Throughout all of that, it felt as though a part of me flew further and further away. It felt like every cut cut straight into my very essence, into my very soul and hurt not only my body, but also the very thing I am.

I cut on and on. With every time the knife cut through my flesh my pain accelerated. It hurt. It hurt even more. I wanted it to end. But I looked to the side. And there I saw Felix, happily watching with a small smile. And I knew that this was needed for what I wanted to do. So despite my suffering, I kept on. I kept on purposefully suffering.

The pain grew. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to stop. I needed to stop desperately. And then I felt something else. While currently 99% of what I felt was pain, there was still that one percent. Something wet strained down my cheeks. I slowly realized what was happening. I still felt the pain. But I also felt the tears flowing down my cheeks more and more.

My suffering has brought me to tears. I was... sad. I was suffering. I was as low as I had never been in my entire left. Despite that... No, because of that...

I couldn't help but smile happily.